I Love Television

I‘m gonna come right out and say it: I’M SICK OF ZOMBIES! I know that zombies are supposed to be the “new” vampires—but I’m not sick of the old vampires yet! Actually, that’s not true: I am sick of pasty-faced vampires and their weak-kneed, lip-biting human girlfriends, but I’m totally still psyched about Native American shirtless werewolves with smokin’ hot abs. (Team Jacob 4-EVAH!)

But stop trying to distract me! I’m talking about zombies here—and how they’re the monster equivalent of Amy Winehouse (both zombies and Amy Winehouse are played out, look like shit, and devour human flesh). Anyway, because you people never take my word on anything, here are three significant reasons why zombies are stank:

1. No abs. Name one zombie with six-pack abs. You can’t. (And don’t say “The Situation” because he’s not officially dead yet.) Anyway, even if zombies did have abs, they’d probably slide right off their stomachs. GROSS!

2. Zombies drag ass! Let’s say you’re trapped in a shopping center or mall, and oh, look: Here comes a zombie—arms outstretched, head cocked to the side, and dragging a broken, festering leg. OH! BETTER RUN! (Right after I try on this tank top from Forever 21 and eat a hot dog at Orange Julius.)

3. Zombies are overly infatuated with eating brains. BRAINS! BRAINS! BRAINS! Shut up about the brains, already! How about my testicles? Ever thought of those? They’re right here! Just dangling
between my legs! Ready to pop in your mouth! And you don’t even have to break through a skull to get to them!

Jesus stinking Pete. Idiot zombies.

And yet? The media world looooves zombies, and you can’t swing a severed half-eaten arm without hitting some new book, movie, or TV show based on the undead. Okay, that’s not exactly true: There are two upcoming zombie TV shows—but there’s only one Glee! Does that make any sense to you?

Anyway, starting next week there’s AMC’s The Walking Dead (debuts Sun Oct 31, 10 pm), which is based on the graphic novels (they’re called “COMIC BOOKS,” nerd!!) by Robert Kirkman, and will probably be… okay, pretty awesome. It tells the story of a sheriff who awakens from a coma to discover (goddamnit!) there’s been another zombie apocalypse! Leading a band of survivors, the sheriff searches for a new home, while fending off gut-chompers and trying to maintain his sanity. Kind of like Battlestar Galactica—but without spaceships and with rotting flesh.

And this week marks the debut of a British series with a far lighter touch entitled Dead Set (IFC, Mon Oct 25, midnight). Here, the cast of the reality show Big Brother is cheerfully sniping away at each other when they discover a zombie infestation is under way outside their house! Now they must work together—or screw each other over—in order to survive. In other words, it’s just like the regular Big Brother, except with a dead person slowly chewing on your anus.

Which reminds me, that’s another thing I hate about zombies: They smell like anus. Is it gonna kill them to apply some Lady Speed Stick? (Hmm… maybe they don’t want their armpits to fall off.)