I Love Television

Valentine’s Day is this week, buttfuckers! Which is why I’m taking this opportunity to advise you on what you’re doing WRONG in your romantic relationships. Just think of me like Dr. Phil—except I’m not pear-shaped, I don’t wear a pedophile mustache, I don’t talk like Deputy Dawg, I don’t offer people the absolute worst advice in the world, and, generally speaking, I’m not a despicable human being who deserves to be kicked in the junk, trampled by bulls, and shot out of a cannon into the feces-filled heinie-hole of Ann Coulter. (Insider tip: I DON’T LIKE DR. PHIL VERY MUCH.)

Here’s the first thing you’re doing wrong: Stop trying to find your life partner on Craigslist. It’s a great place to sell a used bassoon and an awful place to find love—unless your interests lie in a sweaty prostitute or an unsettling fellow named “Dargus” whose living room contains a startling array of animal skeletons. (By the way, if Dargus invites you downstairs to see the “well in my basement”—DO… NOT… GO!!!)

The second thing you’re doing wrong: You’re sleeping with the wrong people! (For me, there are no “wrong people”—but we’re talking about “you,” not “me.”) “Wrong” people include but are not limited to Dr. Phil, your cousin, any member of any popular alt-rock band from the 1990s, a guy you met in a knife store, a Juggalo (actually, some Juggalos are nice, but none are sexy), anyone who says they watch Two and Half Men unironically, ladies who own snakes, anyone who cried during Toy Story 3, anyone who uses the phrase “at the end of the day,” and anyone who refuses to have sex with me—because, after all, at the end of the day, if I can’t get them to have sex, what chance do you have?

The third thing you’re doing wrong: You’re not giving your significant other’s TV shows a chance. For example: Guys! Cougar Town (Wed, 9:30 pm, ABC) is actually not all that bad! There are a surprising number of intentionally funny lines, the humor is occasionally cruel and mean-spirited, and the characters are stinko drunk 78 percent of the time.

Girls! Don’t automatically pooh-pooh MythBusters (Mon and Wed, 7 pm, Discovery)—it’s one of TV’s few pleasures since MacGyver went off the air. Hosts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman use their special-effects expertise to answer such life-changing questions as “Can two colliding bullets fuse together?” “What’s worse: having an empty beer bottle smashed over your head, or a full one?” and “Can a person be launched 115 feet into a kiddie pool from a giant waterslide?” Men are inquisitive creatures, ladies. Celebrate their thirst for knowledge!

And finally, the fourth thing you’re doing wrong: Your valentines stink. This coming February 14, do this: Buy a box of Transformers or Hello, Kitty valentines from the drugstore. Write some super-hot erotic poetry on the back of each one and deliver them to the person you love. Prove to them that you’re willing to do something absolutely stupid in the name of love—because, after all, they’re totally worth it. (P.S. Suck on that, Dr. Phil!)