I Love Television

You know, maybe there is something to being a Republican.
Sure, they happily make life hellish for everyone on earth who isn’t
already a member of the GOP—but what’s awesome about being a
Republican is that they have a little switch inside their heads that they can flick on and off whenever they’re faced with their own
disgusting morality. Let’s take the most obvious example: Sarah
Palin. When presented with wild exaggerations about her “experience”
and her voice which sounds like a cat begging to be let out of a
blender, Republicans simply FLICK their “off” (or “rational thought”)
switch, and suddenly Palin is that totally hot chick from
Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles. Or let’s take John
McCain. Umm… THE MAN HAS TRANSLUCENT SKIN. And his teeth look like
they’ve spent the last 30 years soaking in urine. And yet?
FLICK! Off goes the switch, and all Republicans see is a
muscular centaur with Ronald Reagan’s head, drilling for oil and
shooting animals in the face.

Anyway, that’s what I need: a flicky switch that can change bad
things to good. It would come in especially handy this week, since
there are so many new and returning television shows of dubious
value. Such as…

• Smallville (CW, Thurs Sept 18, 8 pm). Lana Lang
(Kristin Kreuk) is gone. Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) is gone. Also
gone are much of the cast’s “teen years,” which automatically means
they’re 20 percent less hot. So why should I watch this show anymore?
FLICK! Because (a) sexy Green Arrow (Justin Hartley) will be a
series regular, (b) as will the nerdtastic Legion of Superheroes, and
(c) Clark will finally start working at the Daily
Planet—which means his penis will be that much closer to Lois
Lane’s vagina. SOLD AMERICAN!

• Dancing with the Stars (ABC, Mon Sept 22, 8
pm). This is just another aging show like American Idol that’s
so mired in its sameness, it’s impossible to maintain giving a crap.
FLICK! On the other hand… this year’s cast of desperate
celebrities include gay *NSYNC member Lance Bass (who will be porking
every male dancer in sight), Olympic beach-volleyball star Misty
May-Treanor (who apparently has no problem with getting nude in front
of the entire world), and veteran actress Cloris Leachman (who is
roughly 143 years old and whose body parts will begin snapping off like
dried twigs by episode three). USA! USA! USA!

• Knight Rider (NBC, Wed Sept 24, 8 pm). If this
show was just an hour of drunken, shirtless David Hasselhoff
unsuccessfully trying to eat a hamburger, then I might be interested in
watching. FLICK! But wait! According to the producers, the new
Knight Rider car is significantly faster! FLICK! And it
has nanotechnology! (Though they’re not exactly sure what that means.)
FLICK! They also have a “batcave” of sorts, called the
“Satellite Surveillance Chamber.” Awesome, right? FLICK! Did
they mention that the main character has a new haircut? FLICK!
FLICK! FLICK! Goddamnit! Why isn’t this stupid Republican switch
working? FLICK! Drill, baby, DRILL! (Oh, whew! There it goes.)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 18

9:00 CW SUPERNATURAL
Season premiere! Good news and bad news: Dean is free from hell, but now he’s trapped in a coffin. Doh!

10:00 FX IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
Season premiere! Dee and Charlie reduce their monthly grocery bills by becoming cannibals.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 10

11:00 HBO REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
With the campaign in full swing, now’s the time to watch this hilarious and smart political snark fest.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

9:00 BBCA PRIMEVEL
Season premiere! A raptor is totally putting a damper on a shopping center’s Memorial Day sale.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

5:00 G4 SPACEBALLS: THE ANIMATED SERIES
Debut! Mel Brooks’s parody of Star Wars gets the cartoon treatment.

10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Pete jumps on an unexpected opportunity at the office and expectedly falls on his face.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

8:30 CBS HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
Season premiere! Barney finally experiences an emotion that some lesser beings sometimes describe as “love.”

9:00 NBC HEROES
Season premiere! Sylar declares war on the Company; the Company revokes his 401K.

9:30 CBS WORST WEEK
Debut! A British remake about a schlub who ruins every attempt to impress his girlfriend’s parents.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

9:00 CBS THE MENTALIST
Debut! A fake psychic helps the police but is constantly hampered by the STOOPID name of his show.

9:00 FOX FRINGE
A load of bus commuters are mysteriously fossilized, which means you better take your bike.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24

8:30 CBS GARY UNMARRIED
Season premiere! Funny guy Jay Mohr stars in this almost funny sitcom about a serial monogamist.

9:00 BRAVO PROJECT RUNWAY
Rapper LL Cool J drops in to teach the honkies how to design for black people.