I’ve got a super-awesome idea… that may be just a weeeee bit
“illegal.” BUT HEAR ME OUT, OKAY?! The economy is a poop-covered
cluster-eff swirling down a filthy rest-stop toilet. We hold this truth
to be self-evident. Therefore! It is more important than ever for the
networks to hold on to their viewing audiences, while continuing to
find out what they like—am I right? For example, I like
booze. And I like TV. So why can’t the networks figure out some way
to COMBINE THE TWO?
See, there’s this thing called “Thirsty Thursdays” that is
celebrated at bars, saloons, and ballparks throughout the country. On
select Thursdays, you stop in to one of these establishments, get
loaded for cheap, and then wobble home to be yelled at by your
nagging spouse. It’s an American tradition!
So here’s what the networks should do. Let’s pretend I’m NBC for a
moment, and I’m trying to push a particularly enjoyable Thursday-night
roundup of shows. I choose some select bars with lots of TVs and
advertise the fact that if you will sit down in the saloon and watch
My Name Is Earl, The Office, and ER all in a row?
NBC will pay for all your booze and get you stinking crap-faced
drunk!
WOW! What an awesome plan! Talk about gaining and attaining viewer
loyalty! (Of course, there’s the small matter of post-viewing public
inebriation or drunken fights over whether ER‘s Dr. Neela should
continue her gross affair with Dr. Brenner. But don’t stop me—I’m
on a roll!)
EVERYTHING looks better when you’re drunk—even NBC! Hey, that
could be their catchphrase. Anyhoo, this week’s “Thursday” has me
especially “thirsty,” and I swear I’ll watch every one of these shows
if the networks promise to keep my throat wet with liquor.
• Kath & Kim (NBC, 8:30 pm). Molly Shannon and Selma
Blair star as a dysfunctional mom/daughter team in this sitcom, which
was originally a big hit in Australia. Expect a lot of critical sniping
claiming it’s not as good as the original. However, thanks to NBC’s
“Thirsty Thursday” promotion, I will be too unconscious to
notice any significant difference.
• Eleventh Hour (CBS, 10 pm). Dr. Jacob Hood is a
government-hired scientist who fights “science crimes.” I am an
alcoholic who drinks beer other people leave on their tables.
• Life on Mars (ABC, 10 pm). Yet another import (this
time from England), Life on Mars tells the sci-fi-riffic story
of a cop in 2008 who’s hit by a car and mysteriously winds up in 1973,
where moral and pretechnological hilarity will surely ensue. They had
malt liquor back then, right? I am so there.
• Testees (FX, 10:30 pm). Kenny Hotz—of the
gut-busting show Kenny vs. Spenny—created this sitcom
about two roommates who become human guinea pigs for a medical testing
facility named “Testico.” Can the boys live normal lives even after
growing hair in weird places or an eye on their penis? I ask myself
this every day! (And now you see why I need to drink.) 
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 9
9:30 NBC SNL WEEKEND UPDATE
Debut! Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers, and the SNL crew present an expanded weeknight edition of the update.
10:00 FX IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
The gang must use CSI tactics to discover who left a poopy on Charlie’s bed.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 10
9:00 CBS THE EX LIST
Bella reunites with her ex-slacker boyfriend who is now way, waaaay too athletic.
9:00 USA THE STARTER WIFE Debut! A dumped wifey gets her life back on track in this show that nobody except lonely people will watch on a Friday night.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 11
8:00 NBC CELEBRITY CATWALK CHALLENGE
Tori Spelling hosts this contest where washed-up celebs humiliate themselves further by pretending to be models.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 12
9:00 VH1 ROCK OF LOVE CHARM SCHOOL
Debut! Sharon Osbourne helps the ho-bags from Rock of Love attempt to feign a little class.
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Don takes a business trip to L.A., where he gets to screw an entirely different class of people.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 13
9:30 ABC SAMANTHA WHO? Season premiere! Sam competes in a dance-off against an alumnus of Dancing with the Stars! Not… fair!
10:00 NBC MY OWN WORST ENEMY
Debut! Christian Slater stars as a schmo who has no idea he’s a superspy! I have similar concerns.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 14
10:00 ABC ELI STONE
Season premiere! Eli’s blindness prevents him from seeing special guest star Sigourney Weaver!
11:00 WE SEX CHANGE HOSPITAL
Debut! I know nothing about this show, and yet—what else do I need to know?
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15
6:00 ALL NETS PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
This is the very, very last presidential debate between John McCain and Barack Obama… so make up your goddamn mind already!
9:00 BRAVO PROJECT RUNWAY
Season finale! The final four present their designs, which I would never wear in a billion years.
This is pretty much the worst column ever.