I Love Television

If you haven’t noticed, TV networks come up with a poop-ton of
STINKO ideas (Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? pops to
mind), and it’s pretty hard to imagine how these stinko ideas get
green-lighted in the first place. For example, let’s take two shows
debuting this week: One is a fairly decent idea, while the other one?
STINKO!

First there’s Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling (CMT, debuts Sat Oct 18, 8 pm), which—let’s face it—already
sounds like a pretty great show. Seriously, I could meet with a
network, tell them the title and nothing else, and walk out
with one full season of episodes and two nude prostitutes on each
arm. But the idea gets even better from there!

Ten washed-up celebs compete to see who can become the most
“realistic” professional wrestler, including Todd “Diff’rent
Strokes” Bridges, former pop princess Tiffany, Dustin “Screech from
Saved by the Bell” Diamond, one of those super-drunk girls from
The Real World, Danny “Partridge Family” Bonaduce, and
Frank “My brother is Sylvester” Stallone! And every one is gonna get
their freaking faces smashed in! Ahhhh… it’s like a beautiful
dream… and I refuse to wake up!

(One disturbing item of note: The celebs are being trained by two
pro wrestlers named—and I kid you not—Brutus “The Barber”
Beefcake and Brian “Nasty Boy” Knobbs. Both of those names make me feel
funny… down there.)

Anyhoo, that’s an awesome show to pitch to networks. Here’s one
that’s somewhat less awesome: Crusoe (NBC, debuts Fri Oct 17, 8
pm). Oh yeah. It’s THAT Crusoe: the dude from the old-timey
novel that gets shipwrecked on a deserted isle and hangs out with his
“friend” (aka gay slave). WORST… IDEA… FOR A… TV SHOW…
EVER. I can just imagine the NBC pitch meeting: “It’s
like a cross between Lost and MacGyver—that is, if
MacGyver had a gay slave.” NOT THAT I HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST GAY SLAVES.
Some of my best friends know people who have acquaintances who are gay
slaves. Apparently, they’re perfectly lovely people. HOWEVER! I myself
have never owned a gay slave, nor have I ever experimented with “gay
slavery” per se—not even at my liberal-arts college.

Jeez… where was I? OH, YEAH! So in this new TV show, Robinson
Crusoe and his “friend” (who just happens to wear assless leather
chaps, I bet) end up shipwrecked on a sexy tropical island, where
they build a stylish tree-house condo and fight off starvation, as well
as battle pirates and… hold on just a second… “bloodthirsty
cannibals”?!? NOW YOU’VE GOT MY ATTENTION!

No wonder NBC gave this project the green light! No one will
argue that it’s impossible to make an entertaining show where a dude is
stuck on a secluded island for 28 years—but throw in a gay slave
and bloodthirsty cannibals? Those are additions that can really
help pass the time! So I’ll tell you what: I’m going to give this show
a chance. And maybe I’ll even purchase a gay slave and a cannibal to
watch it with me. They would be under “Casual Encounters” on
Craigslist, right?

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Michael tells Holly he will pretend not to have a heartbreaking crush on her for Jan’s benefit. Good plan!
10:30 COM THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM
Sarah decides to trade in her stupid, poopy old friends for smart, less poopy new ones.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 17
8:00 NBC CRUSOE
Debut! Adventurer Robinson Crusoe finds more adventure than he can handle on a deserted island with a gay slave.
10:00 STZ CRASH
Debut! Dennis Hopper stars in this series based on the movie about intersecting lives in Los Angeles.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 18
8:00 CMT HULK HOGAN’S CELEBRITY WRESTLING
Debut! My money is on Willis smashing Screech’s face in.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
After Bart loses a winning $50,000 lottery ticket, Homer is less than pleased.
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Joan introduces her fiancé around the office, which unsurprisingly sends morale plummeting.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 20
8:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL
Vanessa blackmails Blair which leads Blair to ask Chuck to seduce Vanessa… wait. Which one of the androgynous guys is Chuck?
10:00 NBC MY OWN WORST ENEMY
After learning that he’s actually a spy, Henry tries to recall whether he’s ever done it with hot spy chicks.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 21
10:00 ANI LIVING WITH THE WOLFMAN
Debut! A scientist who lives with wolves introduces his new wife to the pack. Ass-biting hilarity ensues!
10:00 A&E ROOKIES
Debut! Police academy grads are followed for their first days on the streets. Tonight: How to use a Taser on a shirtless drunk guy.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 22
8:00 FOX WORLD SERIES
It’s game one of the World Series—and is it okay if we also have a “pretend” world series so the Cubs can play?
9:00 CW STYLISTA
Debut! A new reality-show knockoff of The Devil Wears Prada where editorial fashion-assistants are grossly humiliated!