I Love Television

First of all, it should be noted that Charlie Sheen—if he’s still alive—is making me look bad. Not to brag, but I’ve been doing this “banging hookers/guzzling liquor/snorting goofballs” shtick for the last
15 years—and yet has a single producer from Good Morning, America asked ME for an interview? Is my taste in porn stars not good enough? Doesn’t my ability to inhale a seven-gram rock of blow off the ground from a standing position warrant a similar type of attention? It’s HORSE HOCKEY, my friend. HORSE… HOCKEY!!

However! I will once again agree to be the “bigger person” in this totally unfair scenario. BUT BEFORE I DO, LET ME SAY THIS: If I had known that achieving this kind of notoriety is as simple as doling out batshit-crazy quips (“Vatican assassin warlocks,” “I’m an F-18, bro”) while calling my boss anti-Semitic names and Thomas Jefferson a “pussy” (which he totally was—but that’s beside the point), I would have cultivated a mental illness years ago!

That said, I totally agree that Charlie Sheen should never appear on Two and a Half Men again. HE SHOULD HAVE HIS OWN NETWORK! Oprah has her own network, and it’s just about as interesting as watching mold grow on cheese. Charlie himself says he’s in talks with HBO (which HBO is violently denying) to star in a show entitled Sheen’s Corner—which is the most terrible title since The Vagina Monologues II: Vagisil’s Revenge. A piece of work like Charlie does not have a show called Sheen’s Corner. A piece of work like Charlie has an entire network of awesomely named shows… such as the following:

Charlie Sheen’s Super Sexy Submarine! Each week, Charlie Sheen and his crew of 13 porn stars violate the territorial waters of a different country in a nuclear-powered sub filled with booze and cocaine. And after that? Who knows what might happen? They may rescue (and make love to) a baby dolphin. They may assassinate (and make love to) Kim Jong-il. Or they may just decide to sleep for an entire episode. All I know for sure is that the periscope is shaped like a penis.

Charlie Sheen’s Totally Obscene Bathing Machine! Charlie travels the country along with (how’d you guess?) 13 porn stars in an 18-wheeler that’s been converted into one ginormous Jacuzzi. Along the way, he’ll bathe and interview celebs such as President Obama, Maya Angelou, and Stephen Hawking. He’ll also make violent love to each—and end each episode drinking the entire contents of the tub.

Charlie Sheen’s Wolverine Vaccine
Trampoline! Okay, the plot for this one is a little convoluted, but bear with me: Every week, Charlie (yes, yes—along with the
13 porn stars) snorts enough coke to turn his skin inside out. He rides a talking wolverine named “Kevin” to an alternate universe known as “Throw Down Bro-Town” where he delivers motivational speeches on “WINNING!” to stadiums filled with syphilis-infected Norwegian pygmies. He bones the pygmies on a trampoline, eats the trampoline, and then poops out a vaccine that will ultimately cure anyone suffering from advanced Jeffersonian pussification.

You’re right… not nearly crazy enough.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 9

10:00 MTV THE REAL WORLD
Season premiere! Season 25 begins with the roomies moving into their Las Vegas pad (which should be covered in plastic, if you ask me).
10:00 TLC HOARDING: BURIED ALIVE
A hoarder is forced to choose between his daughter and his hoard. (Why not start hoarding daughters?)

THURSDAY, MARCH 10

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
One of the final 10 is exterminated… wait… I read that wrong. Make that “eliminated.” Sigh.
10:00 MTV JERSEY SHORE
Sammi is texting someone, which makes Ronnie suspicious—since she can’t read or write.

FRIDAY, MARCH 11

9:00 ANI FATAL ATTRACTIONS: CROCS
Season finale! A man who sleeps with two crocodiles in his bed. Top THAT, Charlie Sheen!
9:00 HBO THE RICKY GERVAIS SHOW
Find out what Karl Pilkington would do when the world ends—and then do the opposite.

SATURDAY, MARCH 12

9:00 SYFY BATTLE OF LOS ANGELES—Movie
(2011) Not to be confused with the very similarly titled major motion picture Battle: Los Angeles. Nice try, Syfy!
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
The never-not-hilarious Zach Galifianakis returns as host, with musical guest Jessie J.

SUNDAY, MARCH 13

9:00 NBC CELEBRITY APPRENTICE
The celebs are instructed to write a children’s book, and OH BOY! I cannot wait to read Lil Jon’s!
10:00 TLC HOARDING: BURIED ALIVE
A hoarder is forced to eat her meals in her car… because she can’t fit into her house!

MONDAY, MARCH 14

8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR
Season finale! Brad hands out his final rose… along with a salve that’s supposed to stop the burning—but doesn’t.
9:00 VH1 WEDDING WARS
Debut! Engaged couples are dumped into the jungle to compete for—tuxes and wedding gowns? OHHH-KAY.

TUESDAY, MARCH 15

8:00 FOX GLEE
The Gleetards face the Warblers and Aural Intensity at regionals. GO WARBLERS!!
9:00 ABC V
An attempted coup against the aliens goes horribly awry. Moral: Don’t eff with the lizard queen!

WINNING!