I Love Television

Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) once famously called the internet “a
series of tubes.” Naturally, this is a ridiculously ignorant and naive
statement. Everyone knows the internet is actually a series of tubes
filled with porn. Try it for yourself! Just enter “porn” into your
Google search, and an internet tube will magically ejaculate porn all
over your face. HOWEVER! This is not to say porn is the only useful ejaculate to be found inside internet tubes. There are also
hilarious videos of people walking into glass doors, cats eating
peanuts, monkeys riding Segways, ATV riders getting decapitated by
garage doors, skateboarders breaking falls with their faces, RoboCop
riding a unicorn, my ex-lover performing a song about how I suck in
bed, Target employees getting run over by shopping carts, employees
urinating into company watercoolers, girls kissing each other, Gary
Busey, old person fistfights, Latino midgets dressed up like Sarah
Palin, aaaaaand… did I mention porn?

HOWEVER AGAIN! Are the internet tubes a suitable replacement for
television? Answer: Yes and no. “Yes” because television is
embarrassingly behind in “porn and
squirrels-on-water-skis”
technology. “No” because watching Audrina’s huge donkey-teeth on The Hills is naturally more edifying on a larger
screen. On the other hand, when it comes to “pure entertainment,”
internet tubes are not only catching up to television—they’re
squirting out twice as much. Just this past week we celebrated three
major advancements inside the InterTubes:

• The One-Year Anniversary of Hulu.com: Kind of like the
YouTube tube for television, Hulu is a clearinghouse of great TV,
featuring clips and full episodes of The Office, Saturday
Night Live, The Simpsons, It’s Always Sunny in
Philadelphia, The Daily Show, Battlestar Galactica,
and tons more. Plus anytime free films like Edward Scissorhands,
Starship Troopers, Ghostbusters—and with limited
ads, to boot! This wildly successful site is celebrating its first
anniversary—so if you haven’t tried its tube? It’s got a
bucketload of entertainment to shoot your way!

• The Debut of Strike TV: Originated during “the Great
Writers’ Strike of ’07,” Strike TV (www.strike.tv) features original
programming from Hollywood’s finest who are looking to strut their
artistic stuff—without bigwigs breathing down their necks or
stealing their ownership. Check out Global Warming (where
SNL‘s Kristen Wiig and The Daily Show‘s Aasif Mandvi
portray star-crossed office romantics searching for love and tech
support) or House Poor (starring Mindy Kaling from The
Office, who’s trying to trick people into giving her stuff for her
new house). And according to the tube’s managers, there are even more
shows on the way! SQUIRT!

• Introducing MTVMusic.com: After years of stupidly
refusing to show videos—MTV brings its humongous backlog of
classic and new vids to the InterTubes! Seriously, I spent a better
part of a business day surfing and watching such awesome and hilarious
classics as Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up,” Van Halen’s “Hot
for Teacher,” Beastie Boys “She’s on It,” and the most embarrassing
song Prince has ever written, “Batdance.” See? The InterTubes are good
for something other than porn, and… well, I think I’ve waited long
enough. Back to watching porn!

9:30 NBC 30 ROCK

Seated next to each other on a plane, annoying Liz nearly gets
cracked over the head with Oprah Winfrey’s book club.

10:00 MTV 50 CENT: THE MONEY AND THE POWER

Debut! Rapper 50 Cent shows young people how to be successful. Tip
number one: Get shot nine times.

8:00 CW EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS

Tonya begins wearing a bra to school to attract attention, which
actually really worked great for me.

9:00 SCIFI YETI—Movie

(2008) An abominable snow monster chases a college football team who
crashes in the Himalayas. I got the Yeti by three points.

11:00 FOX MADTV

Host Jeff Probst (Survivor) changes things slightly by voting
unfunny cast members off the show.

10:00 HBO ENTOURAGE

Eric freaks after learning he has to work with his archnemesis Seth
Green.

10:30 HBO SUMMER HEIGHTS HIGH

Debut! Hilarious Aussie Chris Lillie portrays two students and a gay
drama teacher in this high school mockumentary.

8:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL

Blair dislikes Eleanor’s new boyfriend Wallace Shawn (who I will
admit kind of creeps me out, too).

8:00 BRAVO INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO

For their 200th episode, Studio flips the script and lets guest Dave
Chappelle interview host James Lipton! Whu-WHA?

8:00 CW 90210

Jealous Naomi ruins Annie’s Sweet 16 birthday party. Annie responds
by ruining Naomi’s face.

10:00 SCIFI CHA$E

Debut! Hunters track down human prey on a deserted island and…
wait. NO GUNS?? BOOOOOO!!!

8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL

Paulina gives the girls tips on how to pose with a dead fish. So
many jokes, so little time….

10:00 SCIFI ESTATE OF PANIC

Debut! A new reality show where contestants must navigate a
“haunted” mansion. Tonight’s challenge: “Don’t Trip on the Corpse.”