Guys… gather round. It pains me to say this, but it’s time to stop ignoring the problem staring us in the face and actually do something to stop it. Otherwise, we’re just enabling this type of behavior, right? Okay, so we’re all in agreement—we need to act on this NOW, correct? Good! Steel yourselves, because we can expect a lot of resistance, and—oh. Get in position, it’s time!

Hello, TLC. I suppose you’re wondering why your viewers are gathered together in your living room. It’s because… oh no you don’t! You’re not going anywhere! You are going to sit down and hear what we have to say! As your loyal viewers, we’re here today to tell you how much your actions have hurt and affected us. I’ll start.

Look, TLC. I love you, okay? I really do. You’ve provided me with lots of laughs over the years. And even when those laughs were at the expense of others (I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, My Strange Addiction, etc.), it was still hilariously funny. HOWEVER, like a clown who repeatedly runs his tiny car over a bag of screaming kittens, your antics are no longer amusing. Let’s take a peek at your newest show debuting soon: Extreme Couponing (Wed April 6, 9 pm).

Okay. You’ve got to be freaking kidding me. A show about people who obsessively clip coupons? Yes, you’re right… I do love me some “crazy.” But this doesn’t even make sense! It’s like you’ve jumped from spotlighting generalized insanity (Hoarding: Buried Alive) to microspecific batshit craziness. What shows are you going to produce next? I Like Hitting Myself in the Face with a Hammer? I Didn’t Know I Was Sticking My Fingers Up My Butt? Wait. What? No, those are just imaginary show titles! I DON’T ACTUALLY STICK MY FINGERS UP MY BUTT (very often).

Don’t you turn this around on me! I’m the victim here! (You’ll pay me how much to star in a show where I stick my fingers up my butt? NO! ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, PROBABLY NOT!) Besides, I’m not the only viewer you’ve hurt with your insane programming. Listen to what Helen Morgan of Topeka, Kansas, has to say:

“Like most of America, I love cakes and midgets. But it’s too much of a good thing, you know? I was fine with Ultimate Cake Off and Little People, Big World. But then you went crazy with Cake Boss, The Little Couple, DC Cupcakes, Little Chocolatiers, Next Great Baker, and Toddlers & Tiaras—who, I know, aren’t strictly ‘midgets,’ but they are tiny and they love cake, soooo… yeah! Now? I can’t bear to look at midgets OR cake. Thanks a lot, TLC. You’ve ruined EVERYTHING!!”

See what you’ve done here, TLC? You’ve lost control! You need to accept that you have a PROBLEM, cancel these cake, midget, hoarding, children-hoarding, and couponing shows—and get some help. Do it for your loved ones. Do it for your viewers. But most of all, do it for yourself.

(Seriously, though… how much will you pay me to star in a show about putting my fingers up my butt?) recommended

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30

8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL
Tyra gives (unasked for) advice on how to handle fame.
10:00 SPIKE COAL
Debut! A new reality show about coal miners and the canaries they kill.

THURSDAY, MARCH 31

8:00 ABC WIPEOUT
This week is a “zombie-themed” episode, because… watching zombies bust their ass is funny?
9:00 FOX MOBBED
Debut! Flash mobs and Howie Mandel. The only thing missing is leukemia.

FRIDAY, APRIL 1

8:00 CBS CHAOS
Debut! A gang of rogue CIA agents defends national security—with hilarious results!
8:00 TOON STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS
Season finale! A special one-hour episode featuring lightsaber battles, Wookiees, and nerds creaming their pants.

SATURDAY, APRIL 2

8:00 NICK KIDS’ CHOICE AWARDS
Featuring Jack Black, Black Eyed Peas, Russell Brand… and umm… where’s the BIEBER??
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
This week’s host: Elton John! This week’s musical guest: Elton John!

SUNDAY, APRIL 3

9:00 AMC THE KILLING
Debut! An adaptation of the awesome Danish series, which depicts a murder in Seattle from three different perspectives.
10:00 TLC STRANGE SEX
Season premiere! Featuring a woman born with two vaginas. Okay, TLC—we’ll allow it.

MONDAY, APRIL 4

9:00 A&E RELAPSE
Debut! A show that purportedly helps hopeless addicts. Ding-dong, TLC! I think the door is for you!

TUESDAY, APRIL 5

8:00 ABC NO ORDINARY FAMILY
Season finale! The season ends for this superhero family drama, which will (probably) fly off into cancellation.
9:30 FOX TRAFFIC LIGHT
Because he’s a dick, Mike lobbies his boss to get a raise in order to make more money than his wife.

Admit you have a problem!!

4 replies on “I Love Television”

  3. I’m old enough to remember the days when TLC stood for “The Learning Channel.”

    I wonder how many TLC folks despise themselves for having to run the only programming people will watch (the kind where learning is nowhere to be found), and how many think what they’re doing is just fantastic.

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