I Love Television

Apparently, I’m the most desperately unhappy person you will ever
meet. Shocked? Well, you should be. Because even though I generally
trot through life with a smile on my face and a spring in my step (and
pants), a recent scientific survey has graciously informed me that
I’m pitifully MISERABLE.

The people doing the study, published in the December ish of
Social Indicators Research magazine (never heard of it),
allegedly polled thousands of subjects and came to the extremely
questionable conclusion that “unhappy” people watch more TV than
so-called “happy” people who spend their time reading, socializing, and
having sex. Thanks, Social Indicators Research magazine. Now I
will proceed to demolish your nonsensical argument point by point.

POINT 1: Social Indicators Research is the most TERRIBLE name
for a magazine in the history of the universe. It’s like if Out magazine were to change its name to Homosexual
Periodical (which actually isn’t half bad). So with such a
stoopid, irresponsible name, why should I believe anything else you
say? BURN!

POINT 2: Social Indicators Research makes the idiotic and
erroneous claim that “happy” people spend more time reading,
socializing, and having sex. But I maintain one can also be happy doing
these things WHILE watching television. For example, just last week
I met a librarian at a bar and porked her. As you can clearly see,
“sex,” “reading,” and “socializing” were involved, as well as watching
TV because I porked her during an episode of Gossip Girl.
Needless to say, we were both pretty “happy” with our arrangement.

POINT 2A: However! It should be noted that any or all of these
supposedly “happy” activities could be completely freaking miserable,
taken on an individual basis—”reading” for example. The writers
over at Social Indicators Research magazine are “reading” this
right now and saying, “God DAMNIT! I’ve never porked a librarian or
anyone else for that matter, because I’m a bitter, ugly Poindexter.”
Thus they can’t be very “happy.” Likewise, I “socialized” with the
porked librarian’s husband yesterday—I don’t recall her
mentioning any matrimonial entanglements—and during the exchange,
neither he nor I were very “happy.” However, the porking was good, so
I’ll agree that, generally speaking, “sex” makes one
“happy.”

POINT 3: I seriously doubt Social Indicators Research magazine asked the subjects what they were watching on TV that
made them so “unhappy.” My guess would be any of the following: Are
You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?, The O’Reilly Factor,
According to Jim, repeats of M*A*S*H, CNN’S Lou Dobbs
Tonight, every VH1 reality show, Lipstick Jungle,
anything starring Howie Mandel… really… do I need to
continue? Conversely, after watching a particularly good episode of
The Office, 30 Rock, or even The Hills, I’m in a
freaking GREAT mood. On top of that, I’m better able to “socialize”
than a social pariah who doesn’t watch TV, because he/she has never
heard of that dick Spencer Pratt.

HENCE, as a TV viewer, I’m “happier” than any of those ugly
Poindexters over at Social Indicators Research magazine. Their
lengthy “study” is hereby rendered moot, making them the laughingstock
of the scientific community. They lose; I win. Humpy 1,
Nerds zip.
Game… set… mother-effing MATCH. Oh… and burrrrrrn.