I Love Television

In a week filled with crappy season finales, there is one TV show that I hate—yet “hate” to see go. Yes, this week brings the final episode EVER of Smallville (CW, Fri May 13, 8 pm). As a young TV columnist, I grew up with this hilariously operatic teen drama featuring postpubescent hunky hunkster Clark Kent (played by the muscley if not particularly talented Tom Welling). I’ve written at least umpteen columns about Smallville, all of which have devolved into lengthy, practically unreadable essays involving Welling repeatedly whipping off his shirt, accompanied by intense descriptions of the height, circumference, and hue of his nipples.

Well, those days are nearly kaput, my friends—and not because my previous columns have landed me on several pedophile watch lists. Just as Superboy has grown into a SuperMAN, I, too, have matured. No longer do I drool like a hormonal tween at a Justin Bieber concert—because frankly? Tom Welling is like 34 years old now (!!!) and his nips look like shit.

The show lost my interest a few seasons ago—thanks to deteriorating story lines, and the departure of Michael Rosenbaum (Lex Luthor) and the maniacally hot Kristin Kreuk (Lana Lang). In fact, I wasn’t even upset when Welling stopped taking his shirt off, because, as mentioned earlier, his nips have become a national embarrassment.

Where once these teats were a model of structural perfection—a luminous coral hue, areolas 1.2 inches (30 mm) in circumference, and nipples five stacked quarters high—they are now a sad leathery shade of brown, cracked around the edges, and drooping in unceremonious defeat. ARE WE TO BELIEVE THESE ARE THE NIPPLES OF A SUPERMAN??

“Hey, hey, Humpy! Easy on Tom Welling’s nipples, already!” I hear you cry. “You’re no spring chicken. I seriously doubt your nipples are much better!” OH, YOU WANT TO SEE MY NIPPLES, DO YOU? Well, here!

Observe the nipples of a god!! As you can plainly see, MY nippolinis are the stuff ancient sculptors would spend their lives trying to re-create. My areolas? A hot 25 mm in diameter. The color? A perfect blend of eumelanin (brown pigment) and pheomelanin (red pigment)—or in layperson’s terms, the color of a glorious sunrise. At their most erect, they rise (majestically, I might add) to a whopping 14 mm—long enough to hang your average hat or participate in a ring-toss competition. They often cause those who are five-foot-four to receive ocular damage. Why, yes—they DO have the ability to cut glass. And if I fall forward, it’s unnecessary for me to put my hands out to catch myself—THAT’S how perky my nipples are!

That being said, I will absolutely watch the final episode of Smallville. I’m interested in the return of Rosenbaum as Luthor, Lois and Clark’s wedding (which will be ruined, I assume), and, of course, what we’ve all been waiting for: Clark finally donning his Superman suit. (For which I’ve graciously volunteered my services as Welling’s “nipple double.” NO NEED FOR THANKS. Just wear eye protection.)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 11

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Only four more contestants! Our national nightmare is almost at an end!
9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY
Phil and Claire change their “good cop/bad cop” roles to “not unfriendly cop and Bad Lieutenant.”

THURSDAY, MAY 12

8:00 NBC COMMUNITY
Season finale! A paintball war inspires the study group to put less important things aside. (Seriously, do these guys ever study?)
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
They are the four words no one EVER wants to hear: “Dwight… Schrute… acting… manager.”

FRIDAY, MAY 13

8:00 CW SMALLVILLE
Series finale! Lex Luthor drops by to “congratulate” Clark on his wedding and challenge him to a “nipple-off.”
10:00 DSC SWAMP BROTHERS
Debut! In this reality show, hillbilly swamp brothers wrassle gators, snakes, and (soooooo-weeeee!) each other.

SATURDAY, MAY 14

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by The Office’s Ed Helms and with musical guest grandpa Paul Simon.

SUNDAY, MAY 15

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: REDEMPTION ISLAND
Season finale! The final eight compete to see if anyone in America still gives a crap. (Spoiler alert: WE DON’T.)
10:00 AMC THE KILLING
Sarah and Holder gather new evidence while screwing over the FBI (#win/win).

MONDAY, MAY 16

8:00 NBC CHUCK
Season finale! Chuck and Sarah’s wedding is endangered by an evil mastermind, and the fact they shouldn’t be getting married.
9:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL
Season finale! Guest starring Gossip Girl author Cecily von Ziegesar—just in case you think you couldn’t care less.

TUESDAY, MAY 17

8:00 FOX GLEE
This episode is entitled “Funeral”—so you might want to have some Puffs and booze standing by.
9:30 FOX TRAFFIC LIGHT
Mike and Lisa get a hot new babysitter (good news!) who’s a tad on the insane side (bad news!).

Let’s compare nipple height!