I Love Television

Fun Humpy family fact: I have twin sisters! And before you say
ANYTHING: No, they are not bisexual. And no, you have not seen them on
a Coors Light commercial, they do not walk around in bikinis, nor do
they like to get loaded and make out during spring break. Are they
attractive? How the fawk am I supposed to know? They’re my sisters! I guess they’re okay looking. I sincerely don’t know. What I do know is that when other guys meet my sisters, they are constantly
asking me to videotape it when they make out. Which would be fine
except for two things: (1) They never, ever “make out,” and (2) if they
did, the vomit would never stop squirting out of my mouth. BECAUSE
THAT’S GROSS!!!

“Oh c’mon, Humpy!” I hear you cry. “Since when did YOU of all people
become such a prudish schoolmarm? Surely you must agree that
identical bisexual twins are God’s most perfect creation.” As a
matter of fact, I DO agree that identical bisexual twins are one of
nature’s most miraculous phenomena. It’s rare enough when a single egg
is fertilized to form one zygote, which then divides into separate
embryos. But when the resultant twins also turn out to be
identically hot and identically horny for both sexes? Ah, truly
this is an occurrence so exquisite… so remarkably uncommon… even
Baby Jesus pales in comparison. (I’m sorry Christians, but
c’mon. You know as well as I do that if identically hot baby
bisexual twins were born in Bethlehem, the three wise men would’ve left

Baby J in a cloud of dust.)

HOWEVER! When the hot identical bisexual twins are MY sisters?
Ewwwwwwwww! Blechh! Pa-tooie! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr! If my skin could crawl
off my body, it’d be halfway to Arizona by now! So for the love of all
that’s holy, can we PLEASE never again mention the idea of my two
sisters oiled up, naked, and ramming their tongues down each other’s
throats? THANK YOU. Now, shall we discuss identical bisexual twins
who AREN’T my sisters? Yes? Again… THANK YOU.

This coming Tuesday (Dec 9) at 10:00 p.m., prepare to delouse your
TiVo for the season premiere of MTV’s A Shot at Love—but
this time? There isn’t a skanky bisexual Tila Tequila in sight, because
this bikinied walking petri dish has been replaced by… you
guessed it… identical bisexual twins! And curiously enough they’re
BOTH looking for the love on a reality show jam-crammed with horny
single guys and horny lesbian ladies.

Unnervingly entitled Double Shot at Love, the show features
the aptly named Ikki twins: Rikki and Vikki, who you may have
previously seen skanking it up in ads for Hooters and on that terrible
Criss Angel show. Together they will dry-hump and tongue-wrestle
every douchebag (and -baguette) in sight until they each find their
one and only true love! (Sigh! It’s like a Disney cartoon… with
genital herpes!)

Will I watch it? OF COURSE! It’s got hot identical bisexual twins
who aren’t my sisters. Will my sisters watch it? Well, if they do…
DON’T GET ANY FUNNY IDEAS! Blechh! Ewww! Pa-tooie!

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 4

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Tensions flare over how to spend a $4,000 surplus! (How about 400
Dwight bobblehead dolls?)

9:30 NBC 30 ROCK

Jack gets screwed AGAIN when the GE CEO (Rip Torn) awakens from his
coma.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5

9:00 ANI WHALE WARS

Check out this reality series about a whale-rescue organization…
staffed by a bunch of jerks!

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6

8:00 CMT HULK HOGAN’S CELEBRITY WRESTLING

Season finale! Four celebs enter the ring… three leave in body
bags.

9:00 SCIFI CYCLOPS—Movie

(2008) Another supercheesy SciFi flick, wherein two-eyed Eric
Roberts battles a one-eyed freak.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7

8:00 CBS THE AMAZING RACE

Season finale! The remaining teams race from Moscow to the finish
line in Portland (where no one will really care who won).

9:00 HBO HOUSE OF SADDAM

A four-part biopic of the rise and fall of Saddam Hussein. Features
the song, “Spider Hole, Here I Come!”

MONDAY, DECEMBER 8

8:00 BRAVO INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO

This week starring hunky Josh “No Country for Old Men” Brolin!

10:00 MTV THE HILLS

In a surprise twist, Heidi marries Spencer and… is she freaking
INSANE?!?

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9

10:00 BIO SHATNER’S RAW NERVE

Bill Shatner interviews ex-porn queen Jenna Jameson. Really, what
else do I have to say?

10:00 MTV A DOUBLE SHOT OF LOVE

Season premiere! The contestants learn they will be pursuing
bisexual twins, which renews their belief in God.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10

8:00 FOX SECRET MILLIONAIRE

This week, a generous millionaire goes to Utah Mormon country, and
can’t find a single deserving person. Weird.

8:00 NBC LITTLE SPIRIT: CHRISTMAS IN NEW YORK

A magical sprite gives tours of NYC (which happily bypass Rudy
Giuliani).

Where’s the show about omnisexual quadruplets? steve@thestranger.com