Look, guys! In case you haven’t noticed, I have some opinions about things! For example: scones. Who was the freaking idiot who invented scones? THEY’RE TERRIBLE. I refuse to do any research on this—because it’s not going to change my opinion—but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that scones were invented in 1872 by a French baker named Pierre L’Idiot. He left stale bread out on his counter for two weeks, but instead of throwing it away, he said, “Sacré bleu! I will sell zis stale bread to zee Americain toureests and tell zem eet iz zee cookie! And zen? Because zee Americains love everyzing FRANCH, zey will be too embarrassment to admit zat zee cookie tastes like merde!”
Rest assured, I have a lot more to say about scones—and how they taste like Duraflame logs—but today I’ve decided to stay on topic and talk about a new TV show debuting this week (which I also have opinions about!) called Teen Wolf (MTV, special two-part debut Sun–Mon June 5–6, 11 pm).
Here is my opinion on that: It’s gonna stink… SEXY. On the “stink” side, it has almost ZERO in common with the 1985 classic of the same name. First of all, it doesn’t star Michael J. Fox. Second of all, it also doesn’t star Jason Bateman, who was in 1987’s Teen Wolf Too. Instead, it stars some young twerp named Tyler Posey. (Just my opinion, but I’d kill myself if I had that name.) Third of all, the new teen wolf doesn’t even play basketball—he plays lacrosse! This is a game that sounds like it was invented by Pierre L’Idiot—but was actually conceived by Native Americans (but only because they didn’t know how to play basketball).
Whatever… WEREWOLVES DON’T PLAY LACROSSE, YO. They make up cool “wolf” dances at the prom, ride on the tops of vans while “Surfin’ USA” plays in the background, and, most importantly, WIN CHAMPIONSHIP BASKETBALL GAMES.
On the other hand, no one would ever want to bone the 1985 teen wolf. He looked like a walking mustache—Tom Selleck’s, to be exact. That’s too hairy for me. I’d much rather bone something like Sandra Bullock’s mustache.
That is why I’m kind of into this new, sexy-fied 2011 Teen Wolf. Instead of all the hilarious high jinx, this version has a Twilight vibe—except with WAY more sex and WAY less Mormon undertones. Tyler Posey (UGH!!! Change your name, idiot!) plays Scott McCall, a young outsider who goes wandering around in the woods one night, and—CHOMP!—gets snacked on by a werewolf! Naturally, Scott becomes a werewolf, too, which causes all sorts of teen drama. While his lacrosse skills may have improved, being a werewolf is ruining his love life with new school hottie Allison (Crystal Reed), which is just fine and dandy with her dad, who’s—wait for it—a professional werewolf hunter (and kind of a dick)!
So even though the new Teen Wolf is gonna stink—it’s a sexy stink, which I will take any day over a scone. WHICH IS THE MOST DESPICABLE COOKIE IN THE WORLD! Curse you, Pierre L’Idiot! CURSE… YOU!!!! 
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 1
10:00 NBC LOVE IN THE WILD
Debut! In this new reality show, singles hook up in the jungle. Now they can get malaria as well as herpes!
10:00 OXY THE WORLD ACCORDING TO PARIS
Debut! Paris Hilton returns with another reality show and desperately needs a new catchphrase other than “That’s hot.” How about “That’s tepid!”
THURSDAY, JUNE 2
10:00 ABC LOVE BITES
Debut! “Loosely connected tales of love, sex, and romance from the creator of Sex and the City.” SHE… MUST… BE… STOPPED!!
Midnight TOON CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL
Season premiere! A brand-new season of the hee-larious Grey’s Anatomy parody, helmed by Rod Corddry!
FRIDAY, JUNE 3
8:00 NBC FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
Eric worries he’s losing control of the Lions, Becky enters a pageant, and… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
10:30 IFC WHITEST KIDS U’KNOW
More surreal sketch hilarity—tonight addressing such topics as “the future” and “adults dressing as babies.”
SATURDAY, JUNE 4
8:00 NBC STANLEY CUP FINALS
Game one in the series, featuring the Boston Meatheads versus the Tampa Bay Toothless.
8:00 FAM THE SIXTH SENSE—Movie
(1999) “I smell dead people.” Wait… there’s nothing special about that, is there?
SUNDAY, JUNE 5
9:00 MTV 2011 MTV MOVIE AWARDS
If the Justin Bieber 3-D movie doesn’t sweep every category, I will go on a killing spree.
10:00 ANI FINDING BIGFOOT
Debut! A new reality show about Sasquatch hunters. Sorry, yeti—your show on TLC wasn’t picked up.
11:00 MTV TEEN WOLF
Debut! An unpopular teen gets bitten by a werewolf and the next day grows pubes. COINCIDENCE??
MONDAY, JUNE 6
8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
The boys stage a comedy roast at Ashley’s expense, who then cuts the field of bachelors down from 15 to 0.
9:00 FAM SWITCHED AT BIRTH
Debut! Two teens discover they were “switched at birth” and (surprise!) the “poor one” isn’t very happy about it!
TUESDAY, JUNE 7
8:00 BRAVO INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO
Host James Lipton crams the studio tonight with the hilarious cast members of Modern Family.
What the freak is a “scone” anyway??
Scone = Uppity biscuit. Humpy = tasty Honey-Ham. Humpy + scone = Ham & Jam scone. yummmmy.
Scones were invented by the Scots. The same folks that brought us haggis, bagpipes and kilts. Any people who enjoy their willies getting rubbed raw by rough wool and who think that the sound of geese being tortured is music, are going to like eating rotten guts and wooden pastries.