Goddamn kids! I’ll tell YOU the trouble with kids today. All they care about are their goddamn Pokey-Mans, iPods, Sunny Ds, Pop Rocks, Kid Bopz, Razor scooters, internet porn, bear traps, sandwich fixings, IUDs, Elmo, karate lessons, Santa Claus, Katy Perry, Lady Goo-Goo, Shaun Cassidy, sexting, unicycles, jaguars (the animal, not the car), fist pumps, saxophone solos, binge drinking, caramel corn, raising the national debt ceiling, monster trucks, flash mobs, Pogs, Ninja Turtles, pizza pie, Dig Dug, Indians, mayonnaise, Pilates, graffiti, wedgies, swirlies, weight lifting, tongue piercing, Cracker Jack… (DEEP INHALE)… fried shrimp, the MTV, go-go dancing, beat poetry, ice cream trucks, Steven Seagal, Japanese war memorabilia, pogo sticks, diamonds, Silly Bandz, Halloween, handjobs, and comfortable shoes.

Oh, and kids’ TV shows! If you gave a kid a choice whether they’d rather watch Hannah Montana or an acclaimed documentary about the economic collapse of Wall Street and the corrupt financial mechanisms that bilked billions out of bankers and hedge fund managers, they’d pick… wait… now I’ve forgotten what the choice was. OH! They’d pick Hannah Montana every time!

And because you’re gonna look like a goddamn IDIOT to teenagers if you don’t already know this information, here are three shows debuting this week catering to the kidtarded tastes of today’s youth.

• My Babysitter’s a Vampire (Disney Channel, Fri June 10, 7 pm): A teen left in charge of his little sister screws it up, which leads his parents to hire a professional babysitter—WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE A VAMPIRE?? WHAAAAAT? Expect over-the-top acting, teeth-grinding puns, and thinly veiled references to necrophilia and the oral manipulation of genitalia.

• Kickin’ It (Disney XD, Mon June 13, 8:30 pm): The owner of the worst martial arts studio in the universe hires a smart-mouth wise-ass punk (and kung fu expert) to whip his students into shape. THIS IS A CRAP IDEA. Kids shouldn’t know how to beat up adults; this could make me hesitate before smacking the teeth out of their smart-mouth wise-ass punk mouths.

• The Nine Lives of Chloe King (ABC Family, Tues June 14, 9 pm): Based on the tweeny book series, a teenager discovers she’s descended from an ancient race of cat-people or something, and develops “enhanced speed, hearing, agility, and the ability to climb objects using her claws.” Ack! That sounds like my ex-wife!! PASS.

Now if these kids REALLY want to watch something good, they’ll tune into the HUB Network (check your cable/satellite provider for availability), which features poop-tons of great cartoons from when I was a little smart-mouth wise-ass punk. Watch Transformers, Where on Earth Is Carmen Sandiego?, My Little Pony, G.I. Joe, Fraggle Rock, and the best children’s show in the history of the goddamn universe, Jem and the Holograms! EEEEEEE!!!

So put that in your pipe and don’t inhale it, you smart-mouth wise-ass punks! Or if you’d rather, go on back to your goddamn roller skates, Justin Biebers, Hubba Bubba, PCP raves, slap bracelets, corn dogs, Malibu Barbies, vodka eyeballing, Lisa Frank notebooks, yo-yos, Doc Martens, hacky sacks, streaking, coonskin caps, Marlboro Lights… (to be continued next week). recommended

6 replies on “I Love Television”

  1. “bear traps, sandwich fixings, IUDs, Elmo. . .”

    What is “Sarah Palin’s shopping list?”

    (Says the ghost of the Great Carnac)

  3. HOLD ON HUMPEY,HERE’S MY TAKE ON WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW ABOUT KIDS…1.POKE’MON NOT POKEY-MAN! 2.I-PODS ARE MUSIC DEVCES 3.SUNNY DS IS CHEAP OJ! 4.POP ROCKS ARE A CANDY! 5.KIDZ BOP IS KID VERSIONS OF REAL SONGS 6.RAZOR SCOUTER ARE BETTER THAN WALKING 7.INTERNET PORN???ARE YOU JOKEING???8.BEAR TRAPS???(SEE NO7.)9.EAT ME10.IUD..???11.ELMO IS FUNNY!.12.KARATE LESSONS ARE COOL(I STARTED WITH KARATE AND I NOW KNOW DEFENDU AND KRAV MAGOV)13.YOUR ON SANTAS NAUGHTY LIST…14.KATY PERRY…???15.LADY-GOO-GOO???16.SHUAN CASIDY???17.SEXTING IS FOR ADULTS ONLY!!!18.UNICYCLES ARE COOL(TRY AND RIDE ONE…IF YOU CAN)19.GO TO THE ZOO TO SEE PANTHERS!20.FIGHT THE POWER!!!21.JAZZ IS COOL!22.KNOW THE LAW:21+ ONLY!! 23.YUK I HATE POPCORN…24.ONE WORD:UNLIMITED!25.SHOULD I RUN YOUR CAR OVER WITH ONE OF THESE?26.BORDOM SUCKS,ANARCY AND CHAOS RULE!!!27…POGS ARE FOR COLLECTING(LIKE POK’EMON)28..TURTLE POWER!! COWABUNGA DUDE!!29.EVER KID AND ADULT LOVES PIZZA(EVEN ME)30.DIG DUG IS A COOL RETRO VIDEO GAME!!(CONT)

  4. (Cont)31.IT IS A CONDIMENT FOR ALL AGES
    32.WHAT ELSE?YOGA?KAMASUTURA?33.IT IS A ART FORM…34.I’D BE HAPPY TO GIVE YOU ONE35.SEE 34. 36.WHERE DO YOU THINK I GOT THIS BUFF BOD?37.I HAVE A DIFFRENT WAY OF PUTING METAL IN PEOPLE…38.LIKE I SAID,I HATE POPCORN… WANT MORE? OK THEN…39.I LOVE ANY SEAFOOD (INCLUDEING SHRIMP) 40.YOU HATE MUSIC ~TELIVISION~?!? THAN CHANGE YOUR ARTICLE TO I HATE TELIVISION INSTEAD.41.DANCEING IS COOL!!42.IT’S A FORM OF EXPRESSION (LIKE ANY FORM OF ENTERTANEMENT)43.(REMBER THIS FROM A PREVOUS ARTUCLE??) ICE CREEEAAAAMMMMM!!! 44.HE’S A COP ON A&E’S LAWMAN 45.DROP~LITTLE BOY~ON THE STRANGER’S OFFICES 46.BOING!!!47.GIRLS LOVE JEWLERY..THATS TRUE FOR ALL AGES…48.SEE 47. 48.JIGSAW:HELLO HUMPY,I WANT TO WRIIE A RESPONCE TO YOUR ARTICLE…49.TO ANY WOMEN (ONLY)READING THIS …WANT TO GIVE ME ONE?OR A BJ?;-)…AHEM..MOVING ALONG…50.WALK IN MINE THEN…51.OH SURE,THAT’S WHAT KIDS WANT TO SEE…(cont)

  5. (CONT)JUST TRY TO IMAGINE THIS… HEY KIDS,IT’S THE BULL AND BEAR SHOW!!! BULL:HEY KIDS,LETS LEARN WHAT A 401k RETIREMENT PLAN IS!!! WON’T THAT BE FUN!! BEAR:HEY KID’S!! YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?IT’S TIME TO CHECK THE MONTAREY EXCHANGE RATES TO SEE IF YOU INVESTED IN GOLD!!! BULL IT’S HAPPY TIME WITH JIM CRAMER!!! NOW…GET THE PICTURE? DO YOU SEE HOW STUPID YOU SOUND??? NOW FOR YOUR SHOWS:VAMPIRES SUCK(FUNNY MOVIE TOO),…FIGHT ME IF YOUR LOOKING FOR A FIGHT…SOUNDS LIKE CATWOMAN…NOW FOR YOUR CARTOON CHOICES…1.WITCH TRANSFORMERS CARTOON ARE YOU REFERING TO?(many versions have been made)2.FYI THIS ALSO WAS A GAME SHOW!!3.VERY CUTE!!!4.HAVE HIM END THE WAR ON TERROR INSTEAD OF OUR TROOPS…5CHEAP JIM HENSON MUPPET SHOW…5.JEM? (I PEFER THE ANIME~ CUTIE HONEY~ OR ~SALIOR MOON~ INSTEAD OF THIS… I”VE GOT SOMETHING YOU CAN INHALE…(HINT:LOOK BETWEEN YOUR LEGS) KEEP E’M COMMING…1.TRY BOTH FORMS OF SKATING!2.???3.I PERFER BIG LEAGUE CHEW…4.GOTO YOUR METH/FENTANYL/HEMAPHRODITE ORGY RAVES HUMPY(cont)

  6. (Cont)5.???6.I PERFER LINKS7.DID YOU SEE TOY STORY 3?8.???9.make a note of this:you know nothing about human culture outside the box!!! 10.Try a hookshot instead(the web is loaded with sites that will teach you how to build one…)11.i “ll kick you in the sack for writeing a stupid article like this…12.see 11. 13. ANY WOMEN STREAKERS OUT THERE? 14.davy crocket you ain’t …AND LAST,BUT NOT LEAST(I WILL RETURN FOR NEXT WEEK)15.TRY ELETRONIC CIGIERETE INSTEAD!! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK HUMPY!!!

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