I Love Television

Perhaps now, more than ever, we can begin to understand the true
meaning of Christmas. Perhaps it takes a global financial collapse to
make us really take stock of ourselves and discover what’s truly
important about this holiday: focusing on the needs of others rather than ourselves. Let’s take MY needs for example.

You certainly don’t have enough money to buy gifts for all of your
friends and family. So just tell them this: “Friends, family… I’ve
discovered that the TRUE meaning of Christmas isn’t about buying
presents for you. It’s about buying presents for Humpy. So in closing,
may I wish you the merriest of holiday greetings… and suck it.”

With this problem solved, now all you have to decide is what to buy
me for Christmas. NO WORRIES. Once again, I have done all your work for
you with the following handy-dandy, aptly entitled, Humpy’s
What-You’re-Gonna-Get-For-Me List. Don’t thank me! It’s my gift to
you!

• Girls Going Crazy, Girls Going
Crazier, and Girls Going XXXtra Crazy DVDs (www.asseenontv.com, only $9.95 each):
The awesome thing about the As Seen on TV website is that it sells
EVERYTHING! Even things I’ve never seen on TV, such as this Girls Going
Crazy DVD series in which mentally unbalanced females go freaking nuts
and start whipping off their shirts. I’m looking forward to the next
DVD in the series: Girls Going So Batpoop Crazy, They’re Ripping Off
the Clothes of Innocent Bystanders While Screaming Unintelligibly and
Wildly Swinging a Samurai Sword.

• The Slanket (www.asseenontv.com, only $39.95): This
is f-bombing BRILLIANT. It’s a blanket… with built-in arm sleeves!
Hate the feeling of the blanket slipping off your shoulders when you’re
reading a book, sipping tea, or administering a handjob? Me too. So if
you want a decent handjob, buy me a Slanket.

• Heart Tops Nipple Covers (www.asseenontv.com,
only $10.95): I’ll admit it, my nipples are extremely sensitive. Not
only that, when excited, my nipples grow up to four inches in length
and are as hard (and dangerous) as ice picks. So buy these nipple
covers for me—unless of course, you WANT to go blind.

• ShamWow Towels (www.asseenontv.com, only $19.95):
You’ve seen the commercials for these, right? Starring that nutty guy
with a faux-hawk who looks just like Willem Dafoe? Anyway, these towels
can soak up to 21 times their own weight in liquid! Do you know what
this means? If I eat one before going out on a boozy bender, it’s
“good-bye hangover!”

• Battlestar Galactica Cylon Toaster (www.nbcuniversalstore.com/?v=sci-fi,
only $65): “Toaster” used to be just another racial epithet to fling at
those dirty, stinking Cylons—but now you can buy a Battlestar
Galactica “toaster” that actually makes toast! PLUS! Not only is
the end product delicious, a different message is burned on each side
of the bread—either “Cylon” or “Frak Off!” Oh, yeah? Well, Mr.
Cylon… I’m going to eat the frak out of you!