I Love Television

Okay, apparently we need to clear a few things up. What you people
don’t seem to realize is there’s a major difference between
“reality” and “reality.” Let me break it down:
“Reality” is you waking up every morning with what smells like a wet
syphilitic dog in your mouth. You eat the exact same breakfast, and
then go to your exact same job, before coming back home to your exact
same house, where you watch the exact same TV before climbing into your
exact same bed, and inviting the exact same wet syphilitic dog back
into your mouth. On the other hand, “reality” is two screaming
skanks ripping out each others’ hair on VH1’s Rock of Love, a
wildly deluded and off-key singer screaming “My Heart Will Go On” at an
American Idol audition, or a half-naked muscle-bound tool
fighting his way through an army of crabs to bone bisexual twins on MTV’s A Double Shot at Love. DO YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE?

Well, apparently many of you don’t, because according to the New
York Post, certain people are questioning the “reality” of the new
MTV show The City (Mon, 10 pm)—a spin-off of The
Hills in which the cherubic and bone-tastic Whitney Port leaves California to take a job in NYC with famed designer Diane von
Furstenberg. As it turns out, some of these certain people work in von
Furstenberg’s office alongside Whitney, and are going so far as to say
the “reality” show isn’t “real” at all—but fakier than Hoaxy
McPhoneystein, the charlatan mayor of Baloneyville.

Sources tell the NYP: “[Whitney] doesn’t really work. She is
hardly ever in the office. [Plus, they] can’t get their work done
because MTV tells them they can’t move anything at their workstations.
They do so many reshoots that everything has to look exactly the same
every day.”

Oh, boo-f-bombing-hoo! The poor little cubicle drones aren’t able to
move their staplers! It really must suck BEING ON NATIONAL TV. See,
what these complaining poopy pants fail to realize is they’ve been
given the most precious of all gifts: They no longer have to
work in “reality,” because now they work in “reality.” Look,
nobody gives two craps about Diane von Furstenberg or her designs. But
now, thanks to Whitney’s “reality” show, Diane von Furstenberg
is no longer Diane von Furstenberg. She’s… DIANE VON
FURSTENBERG!

So to the complaining, petty, small-minded employees of the new
Diane von Furstenberg, let’s go over rule number one: WHITNEY
GETS TO DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS. If Whitney decides not to show up to
work for three weeks, then walks into your cubicle, eats your sandwich,
and craps on your day planner? THEN THAT’S WHAT WHITNEY GETS TO DO.
Because unlike YOU, she has crossed over. She’s no longer tied to the
stupid, boring rules of “reality.” She now solely exists in the
glimmering, shimmery world the rest of us only dream about. It’s called
“REALITY,” so remember this: She’s Whitney F-bombing
Port, she works for Diane F-bombing von Furstenberg, and YOU
go sleep with a wet, syphilitic dog in your mouth.

Get it? Got it? Good. Class dismissed.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 8

8:00 NBC MY NAME IS EARL

Earl tries to make up for getting his babysitter pregnant. There are
worse crimes.

9:30 NBC 30 ROCK

Jack outdoes himself once again when he bangs his mom’s nurse (Salma
Hayek)!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 9

8:00 NBC HOWIE DO IT

Debut! A new prank reality show hosted by Howie Mandel (which is
worse than any prank imaginable).

9:00 SCIFI STARGATE ATLANTIS

Series finale! The very last episode of this nerdtastic series. Give
it a hundred-geek salute!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 10

10:00 MTV A SHOT AT LOVE

The bisexual twins are stunned when a contestant walks off the show,
citing, “This just really grosses me out.”

SUNDAY, JANUARY 11

8:00 FOX 24

Season premiere! Jack returns to America to find CTU disbanded and a
new lady president that doesn’t condone torture. WTF?!

10:00 VH1 TOOL ACADEMY

Debut! Dickhole guys are sent to a relationship boot camp by their
naggy girlfriends. Ahh, love.

MONDAY, JANUARY 12

8:00 FOX 24

Formerly sexy CTU guy Tony Almeida returns with a devious plot to
screw over America, but good!

10:00 MTV THE CITY

Whitney finally gets up the nerve to tell her Barry
Gibb–look-alike boyfriend to stop playing with his stupid
hair!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 13

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL

Season premiere! Idol returns with a brand-new female judge. Will
Paula wake up long enough to claw her eyes out?

9:00 CBS THE MENTALIST

A high-school football star is murdered, presumably by a witch who
wanted revenge because he killed her cat. Ohh-kay!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 14

8:00 ABC LOST

Catch up before next week’s season premiere with this repeat of the
season four finale!

8:00 CW 13—FEAR IS REAL

The contestants are bummed when rats are found in the execution
room. Umm… what good is a serial killer who can’t kill rats?