I Love Television

If you are a man in today’s modern society, you need an
entourage. END OF FREAKING STORY! It’s simply not enough to go to
clubs, restaurants, movies, and concerts alone or with a date. If
you’re a guy, you gots to roll up on those joints wich’o boys,
yo! As you can obviously tell from that last sentence, an “entourage”
is just the latest thing white males have co-opted from black culture.
And the last thing you want to do is insult black culture, right? So…
get an entourage NOW! (By the way, thanks so much for the backward
baseball hats and baggy jeans, black culture. They’ve been working out
great.)

Anyhoo, now that we’ve determined you must have an entourage, this
is how entourages work: Every entourage has four members. You are
the handsomest, so you are the de facto leader. As the moral and
spiritual center of your gang of bros, it is YOU who decides if a party
is “wack” (wickity-wickity-wack if it’s super wack) or a girl is
“tappable” (or tippity-tappable if you’re really gonna tap that).
Each bro caters to the whims of the leader but has his own distinct
personality. For example, every entourage should have a “Funny
Uggo.” That’s an ugly guy who is really funny. (It helps if he’s an
alcoholic and deals dope.) Then there’s “Almost Handsome”—he’s
handsome enough to get women to talk to him but ugly enough for you to
steal those same women away. And finally, there’s the “Worm” who was
placed upon this earth to happily humiliate himself for your amusement.
(If there’s a suicide, it’s usually this guy.)

And what happens when you finally get an entourage? You just
chill, dude! Just hang with your boys, you know…
chilly-chilly hanging. And you keep it REAL. That’s the most important
thing, bro. The REALNESS. Aaaaand sometimes you take off your
clothes and sit really close to each other in the hot tub. Or have
long sensitive talks about your feelings on a romantically lit patio.
That’s how we “bros” “chill” it on the “real,” “yo”!

At least that’s how they do it on the MTV reality show Bromance (Mon, 9 pm), which stars Brody Jenner, who’s
most famous for his minor role on The Hills, being Olympian
Bruce Jenner’s son, and… yeah that’s about it. In Bromance,
Brody attempts to find a new “bro” to fill out his entourage from a
pack of square-headed dickrags. But here’s why it’s so great! Brody
spends the entire show either humiliating the dickrags or making them wildly uncomfortable with his overt homoeroticism.
If he’s not touching knees with the contestants in the hot tub, he’s
giving instructions to his bros while soaping himself up in the
shower—with wah-chicka-wah music in the background! I haven’t
seen anything this gay-porny since I rented Weapons of Ass
Destruction!

So if you’re looking for a master class in how to form an entourage
(or a special nude bond with a male friend), check out
Bromance—where they’re keeping it REAL! (As in
real, real gay.)

THURSDAY, JANUARY 22

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Michael and Dwight go undercover at their rival’s paper company.
Five bucks says fake mustaches are involved.

9:30 NBC 30 ROCK

Jack drags Liz to a corporate retreat, and Jenna works on her
absolutely retarded Janis Joplin impersonation.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 23

9:00 TOON STAR WARS: CLONE WARS

This week guest-starring Star Trek’s George Takei, who has now
appeared on every nerd show in existence.

10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

This episode is entitled, “The Disquiet That Follows My Soul.” BSG,
you have jumped the shark.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 24

8:00 TLC MISS AMERICA 2009

This year it’s on TLC, next year watch it on Boise’s public-access
channel.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 25

9:00 HBO BIG LOVE

Ana learns it’s not easy going out with polygamists—especially
when it’s a group date.

9:00 SCIFI PLANET RAPTOR—Movie

(2007) In the future, monsters rule the planet—that is, until
they get a taste of our rocket launchers. Ka-BOOM!

MONDAY, JANUARY 26

8:00 FOX 24

President Taylor must decide if she’s going to negotiate with
terrorists. Offer them iPhones!

9:00 MTV BROMANCE

Brody makes the final four contestants model extra-tight jeans.
Mmmm… hmmmmmm.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 27

9:00 ABC SCRUBS

J.D. tries to teach the staff “compassion” with help from special
guests, the Sesame Street gang!

10:00 FX NIP/TUCK

Christian goes to a breast-cancer support group—and not to
pick up chicks! Probably.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 28

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL

Auditions (aka the abject national humiliations) continue.

8:00 ABC LOST

The castaways try to stop the island’s erratic jumps through time.
(But first, can we stop by the ’70s? I need some coke.)

I’m feeling “bro-moerotic.”

steve@thestranger.com