As you know, this coming Sunday is Easter—which is when Christians bellyache about how we non-Christians "stole" the holiday and replaced "religion" with "bunnies and hard-boiled eggs." Well, don't get it twisted—because Christians STOLE IT FIRST. It was Christians who yoinked the name "Easter" from the pagan celebration of spring—but whatever. Sounded like a boring party, anyway. HOWEVER! The least Christians could've done was make Easter super awesome instead of super depressing! (For more information on "the fetishization of Christ's crucifixion," see the last 2,000 years of Christian history or consult your local library.)
So HELL YEAH we're going to add bunnies and hard-boiled eggs! Sundays are terrible enough without the extra guilt trip they're laying on us! (Besides, if your club doesn't serve candy—and, later in the day, egg salad—we don't want to join.)
That brings me to the subject of television. Networks are a lot like Christians—they pretend to be pious on Easter and Christmas, but the other 363 days of the year, they're gettin' CRUNK, y'all. For example, this week the networks are hiding their immorality underneath their mattresses (along with their porn mags and cigarettes) and pretending to be fine, upstanding Christians with the following shows:
• 8 Minutes (A&E, Thurs April 2, 10 pm): When I first read the title, I was like, "YAY! A new bull-riding show!" But then I was like, "Wait. People don't ride bulls for eight minutes." As it turns out, 8 Minutes follows "cop-turned-pastor" (UGH!!) Kevin Brown, who meets sex workers in hotel rooms—purportedly to have, you know, "sex"—but then forces them to listen to an eight-minute-long lecture on why they shouldn't be prostitutes! (And I thought I was kinky!) Obviously this guy is a SUPERCREEP, because while some women are certainly trapped in the sex trade, many see it as a legit life/career choice. And they really don't need some uptight honky shame-junkie "mansplaining" how they should live their lives. Treat this show like Sunday school, and never, ever go.
• A.D. (NBC, Sun April 5, 9 pm): Producer Mark Burnett—best known for cursing the world with Survivor, The Apprentice, and Shark Tank—is the devil behind this biblically based miniseries, which follows the birth of Christianity immediately following the death of Jesus Christ. Like its prequel (History Channel's The Bible), A.D. hopes to rake in more cash from gullible believers who currently have very little in the way of entertainment—if you don't count those hilariously bad Kirk Cameron movies. But don't worry, Christians! Since the series will also depict Jesus's magical resurrection ("Who's got two thumbs and just climbed out of a grave? THIS GUY!"), historical accuracy won't get in the way of a good time. BOOOOO HISTORICAL ACCURACY!!
• The Ten Commandments (ABC, Sun April 5, 7 pm): And of course, what would Easter be without a showing of Cecil B. DeMille's 1956 classic The Ten Commandments? This flick stars Charlton Heston as the Easter Bunny, who leads his people on a 40-year egg hunt across the desert to the "Promised Land"—home of the bottomless bowl of candy and egg salad. (SIGH. I love Easter.)
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1
9:00 VH1 WALK OF SHAME SHUTTLE
One-night stands get driven home by comedians, and hilarity ensues!
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
Philip and Elizabeth dream up a new, creative way of screwing over the CIA.
THURSDAY, APRIL 2
10:00 SYFY OLYMPUS
Debut! Like Game of Thrones except with Greek gods!
10:00 FX ARCHER
Season finale! Archer finds himself in deep poop in this parody of Fantastic Voyage.
THURSDAY, APRIL 3
9:00 VH1 BACKSTREET BOYS: SHOW ’EM WHAT YOU’RE MADE OF
A documentary following what the Backstreet Boys have been up to for the last two years. (Probably not much, but who cares? SQUEEEEE!!)
SATURDAY, APRIL 4
9:00 STARZ OUTLANDER
Season premiere! The addictive return of this sexy Scottish Highland time-traveling romance!
SUNDAY, APRIL 5
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Season premiere! The seventh and FINAL season debuts… in the swinging ’70s!
10:00 NBC AMERICAN ODYSSEY
Debut! In this “rah-rah America” drama, a female soldier tries to escape al-Qaeda territory and return to her family.
MONDAY, APRIL 6
8:00 HBO SINATRA: ALL OR NOTHING AT ALL
Part two of the documentary about the life (and sexy loves) of Frank Sinatra!
10:00 AMC BETTER CALL SAUL
Season finale! Jimmy’s neck-deep in trouble, and makes a life-changing decision.
TUESDAY, APRIL 7
9:00 CW IZOMBIE
When Clive refuses Liv’s help on a case, she wonders, “Is it because I eat brains?”
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
Raylan and Boyd search for Ava in the mountains. (Scary hillbilly alert!)
This is my evil twin’s Twitter. @WmSteveHumphrey