Okay, everybody... on three: One... two... three... REALITY SHOWS EAT DONKEY BOTTOM! Grrrr, I hate reality shows sooo much. Yes, I'll allow that some reality shows provide a certain grotesque, pornographic pleasure—for example, Real Housewives, Dance Moms, and MasterChef Junior. I'm also a disgruntled fan of the poorly acted dramatic re-creations on Investigation Discovery's I (Almost) Got Away with It whenever I suffer from stomach flus or debilitating hangovers. HOWEVER! Any show with Kardashians, tiny beauty pageant contestants/football players, Christians with a billion kids, gold/ghost hunters, loggers, "pickers," jackass chefs, horny bachelor/bachelorettes, house flippers, and morally bereft hillbillies only proves my ultimate point: REALITY SHOWS EAT DONKEY BOTTOM!
I'm pretty sure reality shows would eat less donkey bottom if they mixed up their formats a bit. Practically every one of these series force cast members to become either heroes or "bitches," orchestrate moments for the sole purpose of using their "record scratch" sound effect, and almost always end in gratuitously saccharine "hug moments" where everyone involved has learned "an important lesson"—which is about as far from reality as I can imagine. (To watch a perfect parody of these series, you must not miss Comedy Central's Kroll Show, in which comedian/actor Nick Kroll and a cast of wildly funny people absolutely SKEWER the worst of reality TV. It does not eat any amount of donkey bottom.)
All that being said... this week I'm going to recommend that you watch a new reality TV show. And no, I'm NOT a hypocrite, but you're a BUTTHOLE for thinking so! The show is called The Prancing Elites Project—you're already intrigued, aren't you?—and it debuts Wednesday, April 22, at 10 p.m. on Oxygen.
The Prancing Elites are a black, gay, non-gender-conforming dance troupe (already interesting enough, but it's about to get wayyyy more interesting)... from MOBILE, ALABAMA. (Uh-oh.) They wear tiny cheerleader-style spandex costumes and white go-go boots, and when they do their booty-droppin' dance routines at local sporting events and parades (often uninvited)? GURRRRL—IT GETS FIERCE UP IN HURRR! They are monumentally talented dancers who easily blow away the dance troupes officially representing the teams—but it shouldn't come as much of a surprise that their particular brand of fierceness (and color and sexuality) isn't exactly... ummm... welcome in the Deep South.
And that is what The Prancing Elites Project is all about: the five members of this extraordinary dance team practicing and performing, reacting to the firestorm of hate thrown at them, and choosing to continue dancing anyway... because it's where their passions lie. While the Elites became an internet sensation in 2013, they originally formed in 2004 as a group for those who'd been denied entry into dance troupes because of their gender. And despite the ugly comments they receive, the Elites continue to keep an unbelievably positive attitude and are determined to win the haters over to their side.
And THAT, my friends, is why THIS is a reality show you might not feel guilty about watching. Check it out, because not only does it NOT eat donkey bottom, its meals are 100 percent donkey-free.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
Season finale! Elizabeth and Paige take a dangerous trip to Rooskie Land!
10:00 OXY THE PRANCING ELITES PROJECT
Debut! The Elites teach some wicked dance moves to guest NeNe Leakes!
THURSDAY, APRIL 23
9:00 ABC SCANDAL
Cyrus tries to make America love Mellie again. (And pictures of her holding cute kittens aren’t working!)
10:00 FX THE COMEDIANS
Billy and Josh are nominated for the same award… and cue extremely awkward situation.
FRIDAY, APRIL 24
9:00 ABC BRUCE JENNER: THE INTERVIEW
Diane Sawyer interviews Bruce Jenner, and… nothing about this is going to turn out well.
11:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
Scott Aukerman welcomes special guest Lil Jon, who I’m sure will have a lot to scream about.
SATURDAY, APRIL 25
9:00 STARZ OUTLANDER
Claire and Jamie visit his sister. (Get out the boxing gloves!)
SUNDAY, APRIL 26
9:30 SHO HAPPYISH
Debut! Grouchy Thom (Steve Coogen) is old and unhappy, so he tries to find happiness—which only makes him more unhappy.
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Roger asks Joan for help with an (ahem) “clerical error.” (Somebody’s going to prison, isn’t he?)
MONDAY, APRIL 27
10:00 COM ARCHER
Archer must track down a murderer while babysitting his young son, Seamus. What could possible go wrong?
TUESDAY, APRIL 28
9:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD
Gonzales and Coulson hate each other… but not half as much as those dicks from HYDRA. So it’s clobberin’ time!
9:00 CW IZOMBIE
Liv eats the brains of a murdered mom, and starts having maternal feelings for the kid. THIS SHOW IS CRAZY!
Tweets gettin’ FIERCE up in hurr! @WmSteveHumphrey