I Love Televsion

Do not speak to me. Do not make eye contact, do not make any
unnecessarily loud sounds—in fact, unless we’re engaging in
sexual coitus, I want you at least 500 yards away, making less noise
than a coma victim. Why? Because the new fall season of shows kicks
off next week, and I’ve got to be focused, yo! I’m going to be
watching hour upon hour of ridiculously horrible and amazing shows in
the next two months, and I need you to start being part of the SOLUTION
and not part of the PROBLEM.

Tut-tut-TUT! I said… NOT A WORD. I’ve got a bajillion things to do
this week, including making space in my TiVo (which means deleting at
least 200 hours of Judge Judy) and clearing out my
refrigerator (which means throwing away any trace of vegetables to
make room for (a) one case of Ritz crackers, (b) two cases of Cheez
Whiz, and (c) three cases of the best soft drink ever invented,
FRESCA). Oh! And I also plan on ripping the phone out of my wall,
discontinuing mail service, and covering my windows in aluminum
foil.

HOWEVER! Before I submerge myself into my self-imposed
sensory-deprivation tank of a living room, I need to speak with you
about two things:

THING ONE: Stop talking shit about the new 90210! Yes… yes… I realize I was talking shit
about it only last week—but stop changing the subject! After
actually seeing the premiere, my brains blew out of my left ear, and
splattered all over my nachos—making for a very confusing dinner to say the least. The new 90210 was suitably cheesy,
squirmy, and laughably charming—and totally reminded me why I
fell in love with The O.C. And yet? Other television critics
have pooh-poohed the show, calling it “remarkably bland,” and comparing
it to a “tacky mall jewelry store.” OH YEAH? Well, here’s what I think! Not only is the acting in 90210 roughly 40 percent better
than the old series, the teens are suitably hot, Jessica Walter
is a fantastic drunky grandma, and Shannen Doherty looks like Carnie
Wilson after her gastric bypass surgery. (That’s good!) So all you
hatas can SUCK IT!

THING TWO: Since I’m going to be too busy next week to properly
trash it then, let me say for the record that The
Mentalist (CBS, debuts Sept 23, 9 pm) is the most TERRIBLE name
for a show since Num3ers. THE MENTALIST? Really?
Naturally, this idiotic show is about a pseudopsychic who helps the
cops out whenever they’re too stupid to do it themselves. Here’s a
scene:

Stupid Cop: WOW. This case is certainly a baffler. Wish there was
someone I could call that could… heeeeey, hold on.
McSmitherson! Get me… THE MENTALIST.

McSmitherson: Sorry, boss. The Mentalist is in the hospital after
getting his ass kicked for having such a STOOPID name.

Annnnnnd… scene. Those two points being made, you may now go
away and leave me alone. EH! EH! EH! Not… another… word.
Remember: No eye contact, 500 yards, coma victim.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

8:00 FOX HOLE IN THE WALL

Holes! Holes! Holes! Holes! Holes! Holes! Holes! Holes! Holes! HOLES!

11:00 VH1 THE CHO SHOW

Margaret Cho and a family member star in a poignant video entitled, “Two Chos, One Cup.” Waitasecond…

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 12

9:00 FOX DON’T FORGET THE LYRICS

Season premiere! A roller-derby queen forgets the lyrics and elbows Wayne Brady in the scrabble bag.

9:00 USA MONK

Season finale! Monk gets hypnotized and reverts to his 9-year-old personality (which is only slightly more sane).

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 13

8:00 FOX COPS

Hilarity ensues in this episode about extremely stupid criminal behavior (because as we know, cops NEVER do ANYTHING stupid).

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

9:00 DSC SECRETS OF THE DINOSAUR MUMMY

WTF? A dinosaur mummy? Oh, hell no! I’m outta here!

10:00 AMC MAD MEN

Father Gill tries to get Peggy to “volunteer” to work on his church “project.” (I believe it’s the one in his pants.)

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

8:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL

Luckily, an earthquake traps Serena and Dan in an elevator together. Unluckily, a lot of other people die.

10:00 MTV THE HILLS

Lo asks Lauren is she’s like, into this new guy, and Lauren is all like, wow, I dunno, and sits there looking pensive.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16

8:00 ABC WIPEOUT

Season finale! The hosts try to run the obstacle course! HA! Not so easy is it?

8:00 CW 90210

Kelly and Brenda get in an argument over Ryan. Punch her in her stupid blond face, Brenda!

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL

Tyra forces the girls to get makeovers, causing freak-outs of epic proportions.

9:00 BRAVO PROJECT RUNWAY

The designers create fashions for college gals transitioning from drunks to businesswomen.

steve@thestranger.com