Last Days

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 2 This week of crime, crime, and more ridiculous
crime kicks off with one of the week’s few non-crime-related stories,
as President Barack Obama announced his nominee for deputy secretary
at the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development: Our own
Ron Sims, the flamboyant King County executive who’ll step down
from his regional duties to take over management of HUD’s day-to-day
operations, including the agency’s nearly $39 billion annual operating
budget and 8,500 employees. Details on Sims’s trajectory come from KING
5: Born in Spokane, graduate of Central Washington University, elected
to the King County Council in 1985, appointed King County executive in
1996, then reelected to the post in 2001 and 2005. But to Last Days,
Ron Sims will always be the man who took time out of his busy (some
would say frantic) schedule to spend an hour onstage at Town Hall
debating Ken Hutcherson about the importance of gay rights. Sims
was solidly pro, Hutch was dimly con, and we were properly awed as Sims
displayed the kind of
empathetic-engagement-with-someone-you-violently-disagree-with that too
many of us are incapable of. Congratulations and good luck, Mr. Sims.
(Confirmation pending.)

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 3 The week continues with the continuance of
winter, predicted yesterday by an assortment of North American
groundhogs (one of which punctuated its prediction by biting New
York City mayor Michael Bloomberg) and represented today by the
blanket of ice and snow still paralyzing the majority of the
Midwest and leading to a reported 55 deaths nationwide.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4 Today commences the freakish crime wave that will soak the rest of the week, announced with a fittingly
ridiculous cavalcade of crime around Seattle, including but not
limited to the armed robbery of a bank in Wedgwood, the armed robbery
of a pet-food store on Capitol Hill, the arrest of a Capitol Hill man
accused of shooting at cars with an air rifle, the deployment of the
bomb squad to a downtown bank, a non-fatal shootout in a grocery-store
parking lot in the Central District, and the nonfatal running down of
an alleged car prowler trying to avoid police by fleeing across
Interstate 5.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 5 Meanwhile in northeastern Pennsylvania, a woman
was made to live through a mind-fucky nightmare, which she survived
only through a fluke of fate. Details come from the Associated Press,
which reports the mind-fucky nightmare went down this evening when
48-year-old William Krause allegedly talked his estranged wife, Marie,
into entering a bedroom with him by saying he wanted to show her
something. According to police reports, he then handed his wife an
apologetic letter, pulled out a gun, and announced that a
murder-suicide was the only way they could be together forever. Why we
know all this: When he pulled the trigger, William Krause’s
gun failed to fire, offering only a dull click and enabling Marie
Krause to call one of their sons to come help. The day after tomorrow,
Mr. Krause will be arraigned and jailed on investigation of attempted
murder.

•• While some men have trouble properly executing even a
single crime, others seem able to break laws in their sleep. Case in
point: Elvis Alonzo Barrett, the 46-year-old man in Boynton
Beach, Florida, arrested after being issued 50 traffic citations in
one day. Details come from the AP, which reports Barrett’s alleged
crime spree began this morning when police tried to pull him over for a
traffic violation and he fled, crashing into another car and a fence
before being apprehended by police, who reported finding crack cocaine
and a crack pipe in Barrett’s car. Rounding out Barrett’s charges for
eluding police, reckless driving, and drug possession are those
aforementioned 50 traffic citations, which include speeding, running
red lights, and not wearing a seat belt. Elvis Barrett’s driver’s
license has been suspended.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 6 Nothing happened today, unless you count the
criminal charges filed against three Fort Lewis soldiers accused
of a string of violent armed robberies in Seattle’s
University District. Details come from our beloved Seattle
Post-Intelligencer, which identifies the soldiers as Pvt. Robert
Lucas of Murfreesboro, Tennessee, Pfc. Chad Braden of Etna,
Ohio, and Pfc. Raymond R. Burrows III of Central Falls, Rhode
Island, all of whom were charged today with first-degree robbery in
connection with a pair of January muggings in the U-District. The first
allegedly occurred on January 10, when two students returning to the
Phi Gamma Delta fraternity house were confronted by three men, one of
whom wielded a semiautomatic pistol and demanded their wallets. One
week later, the same thing happened to two more frat members, only this
time there were two guns, and when the pistol-wielding men ordered the
frat members to hand over their wallets, one refused, getting
pistol-whipped for his defiance. While this young man was treated for
injuries to his head and face at UW Medical Center, police followed a
lead about an army private heard bragging about pistol-whipping a man
during a robbery near a fraternity, eventually arresting 20-year-old
Lucas, 19-year-old Braden, and 21-year-old Burrows, charging each of
the three with first-degree robbery with a firearm. All three remain in
custody at King County Jail in lieu of $100,000 bail; if convicted,
they face between seven and eight years in prison.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 7 As Last Days heads into the homestretch of
kooky crime week, we’d like to take a moment to reflect on what we’ve
learned. The deeper the recession, the bigger the crime wave. If
someone has a gun, do what he or she says. Crack is wack. And finally,
if you’re caught attempting to light oily rags in an off-limits
fuel-storage area of the Elliott Bay Marina, don’t spray the police
officers with fuel then try to escape by swimming away. As a
twentysomething man in Seattle’s Magnolia neighborhood learned today,
you’ll only be apprehended at the marina’s breakwater, then taken to
Harborview for treatment of possible hypothermia. (Thanks to the
Seattle Times for the saga.)

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 8 The week ends with the 2009 Grammy Awards, the
annual music-industry trophy lottery that—despite providing the
amazing sight of a 14-months-pregnant M.I.A. bouncing around the stage
like the freaky genius she is—was entirely upstaged by yet
another ridiculous crime story. Today’s players: poppy R&B
stars Chris Brown and Rihanna, with the former arrested after allegedly
beating up the latter (the day she was scheduled to perform at the
Grammys, no less). Stay tuned as Brown is schooled in one of few
universal truths of modern life: People don’t like it when you beat
up Rihanna.

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