Last Days

MONDAY, MARCH 2 This week of illicit lasers, funeral fairies, and
revolting NPR employees kicks off with the first of many odd and
episodic arrests. Yesterday afternoon in Lincoln, Nebraska,
sheriff’s deputies responded to a domestic-disturbance call at
the home shared by 20-year-old Acea Schomaker and his grandfather.
After resolving the intergenerational dispute, police left the home,
only to return minutes later after discovering an outstanding arrest
warrant on Schomaker alleging possession of drug paraphernalia.
Upon reentering the house, deputies saw Schomaker engaging in the act
that would make him an instant internet legend: smoking marijuana
through a chunk of garden hose duct-taped to a Plexiglas box, in which
was stuffed his girlfriend’s cat. As the Associated Press
reports, Schomaker told police that the 6-month-old female cat had been
“hyper” and he was trying to “calm her.” For his interspecies stoning,
Schomaker was cited for misdemeanor animal cruelty, taken to the
Lancaster County Jail on the preexisting arrest warrant, and released
after paying a $400 fine. Schomaker also faces new charges for
possession of marijuana and paraphernalia stemming from yesterday’s
saga, for which he remains unrepentant. “I know for sure this isn’t the
first time someone has done this,” Schomaker will tell the AP. “I’m
just the first one to get caught.” As for the cat: She was taken to the
Humane Society, where she was today listed in good condition.

TUESDAY, MARCH 3 Speaking of odd and episodic arrests, the week
continues in North Seattle, where early this morning a woman called 911
to report a strange man banging at her front door. Not only was
the man strange, he was armed, eventually kicking in the woman’s
front door and firing a shot from his AK-47 into the wall. As the
woman’s boyfriend told KIRO 7 Eyewitness News, the armed man—who
was also wearing a bulletproof vest—demanded to see someone who
did not live there and asked, “Where’s the dope?” When the
couple told the man that whoever and whatever he was looking for was
not to be found in their home, the man fired the aforementioned shot
into the wall, apologized, and left. Unfortunately for the
mysterious gunman, his wall-bound gunshot was heard by arriving
officers, from whom the gunman tried to flee in his Hummer before being
stopped by a dead end. Upon the man’s arrest, police discovered the
suspect was dressed “in a green police jumpsuit like those worn by King
County Sheriff deputies, but without patches or badges.” Also recovered
from the Hummer: a rifle, a handgun, and two Yorkshire terriers, which
were placed in the custody of animal control.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 4 The week continues with the eternal punch line to
the great joke of life: death, which recently claimed the uncle
of Tammy Fausel of Candler, North Carolina. Today brought the funeral
for the unnamed uncle, an event transformed from a private family
matter into a Last Days–worthy fiasco by the presence of
Nicole Leonard, a 25-year-old woman who appeared at the funeral
home to dance in front of the service, wave a wand around the casket,
and pry open the casket’s lid to lay her hands on the deceased’s head
before striking the body with a wand, throwing a flower display at the
family, and fleeing in a burgundy Toyota. Upon being caught and
questioned by deputies, the Greenville News reports, Ms. Leonard
revealed that she knew no one at the church and acted as she did
because “she felt that it was the right thing to do at the time.”
Leonard stands charged with disturbing a funeral and public disorderly
conduct.

THURSDAY, MARCH 5 Today brings a double whammy of splashy legal
proceedings, the first of which took place before the California
Supreme Court, which today heard arguments over the constitutionality
of the state’s gay-marriage-negating Proposition 8. As the Los
Angeles Times reports, the court “strongly indicated Thursday it
would rule that Proposition 8 validly abolished the right for gays to
marry but would allow same-sex couples who wed before the November
election to remain legally married.” Meanwhile in a lesser Los Angeles
court, troubled pop star Chris Brown was charged with two
felonies—assault likely to cause great bodily injury and
making criminal threats—in his alleged beating of
girlfriend/international pop sensation Rihanna. Among the alleged
specifics of the “brutal argument” described in the detective’s
affidavit: hitting, biting, death threats, and an attempted choking,
during which “Rihanna nearly lost consciousness but also tried to fight
back… at one point trying to gouge at Brown’s eyes.” The 19-year-old
Brown remains free on $50,000 bail. If convicted, he faces up to four
years and eight months in prison (but will likely get probation).

FRIDAY, MARCH 6 Obsessive readers will remember the ugly events of
February 10, when Last Days reported on Aaron Bruns, the Fox
News reporter who covered Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign
before being arrested on an array of horrifying kiddie-porn charges.
Nearly a month later, Fox News has yet to report a single word on
Bruns’s arrest. Nevertheless, in the spirit of bipartisan fair play,
today Last Days will dutifully report on David Malakoff, the
National Public Radio reporter who served as an NPR editor and on-air
correspondent before pleading guilty today to felony possession of
child porn. As the Smoking Gun reports, the 46-year-old Malakoff’s
guilty plea comes after the discovery of over 150 images depicting
sexual acts with minors on Malakoff’s work computer, which Malakoff
had, brilliantly, handed over to an NPR IT worker, who scanned the
computer for a virus and found a LimeWire folder packed with
kiddie-porn downloads. (Also in the spirit of bipartisan fair play: As
of this week, NPR has yet to report anything on Malakoff’s arrest.)

••Meanwhile in Burien: Today a 24-year-old man was
arrested on suspicion of being the freak who’s been pointing
high-powered laser beams at planes landing at Seattle-Tacoma
International Airport. Details come from the Associated Press,
which reports that more than a dozen Sea-Tac-bound planes have been hit
by mysterious laser beams since February, and while “none of the planes
had trouble landing… authorities say bright laser lights can be
dangerous as they distract pilots.” This afternoon the unnamed alleged
laser-pointer was arrested for investigation of first-degree unlawful
discharge of a laser.

SATURDAY, MARCH 7 Nothing happened today, unless you count the
surprise triumph of the University of Washington’s basketball team,
which clobbered the Washington State Cougars 67–60 to qualify for
next week’s Pac-10 championship or something.

SUNDAY, MARCH 8 Nothing happened today, unless you count that
ridiculously cute and/or hilarious thing your dog/baby/elderly relative
did. God, that was cute and/or hilarious.

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