Last Days

MONDAY, MAY 4 This week of stupid food news, multitasking bus
floozies, and triumphant hometown talent kicks off with the
United States Supreme Court, which once again turned
its attention to what is proving to be the defining event of the human
era: the split-second exposure of Janet Jackson’s
nipple during the halftime show of the 2004 Super
Bowl. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports
the Supremes today directed Philadelphia’s 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of
Appeals to consider reinstating the $550,000 “indecency”
fine imposed on CBS by the Federal Communications Commission
following the broadcast of Jackson’s so-called “wardrobe malfunction.”
Of course, this is the same court of appeals that last year shot down
the fine, citing the FCC’s failure to apply identical standards to
words and images accused of being indecent. (As the AP reports, the FCC
has typically issued fines for indecency only when the questionable
material was so “pervasive as to amount to ‘shock treatment’ for the
audience.” But since the flashing of Jackson’s nipple lasted only
nine-sixteenths of one second, the appellate court
ruled the incident should have been regarded as “fleeting.”)

Undeterred, the FCC appealed to the Supreme Court. And last week,
the Supremes narrowly upheld the FCC’s right to threaten fines against
even one-time uses of curse words (i.e., fleeting indecency) on live
television. Which brings us to today’s return of the Case of the
Briefly Exposed Celebrity Nipple to Philly’s 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of
Appeals, where CBS is hopeful judges will uphold their ruling that the
split-second nipple flash was not and could not have been anticipated
by the network.

TUESDAY, MAY 5 Speaking of totally important news: Today,
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden visited a Virginia
hamburger joint, where the president ordered a burger with “spicy
mustard, something like that… Dijon mustard, something like that,”
and all hell broke loose. The opening volley of
Dijongate came from Fox News’ Sean Hannity, who devoted a special
segment to “President Poupon,” featuring footage from the classic
Grey-Poupon-in-a-limo commercial and a million-dollar closer:
“I hope you enjoyed that fancy burger,
Mr. President!” Even better: the outcry from the wing-nut
right over the mainstream media’s conspiracy of silence regarding
Dijongate. (“Why is Fox the only news outlet brave enough to report the
facts?” went the wing-nut line of thinking.) Thank you, President
Obama, for insisting on your curatorial quirks (a medium-well burger
with only mustard? If you say so…) and inspiring a truly
post-postmodern nonmedia nonfrenzy. (And confidential to Sean Hannity:
Nothing that’s mass-produced in individual-serving packets and given
away for free at airports and sporting arenas can be classified as
“fancy.”)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 6 Speaking of ridiculous food stories: The
week continues with what history will remember as the Great
Oprah Chicken Riots of 2009, which commenced with yesterday’s
announcement on The Oprah Winfrey Show promising a
free KFC dinner to anyone who downloaded a coupon from
Oprah.com and continued with today’s
hordes of hungry coupon-bearers making headlines and
blocking traffic outside the nation’s KFCs. “Restaurants summoned extra
help to keep pace with the crowds, yet some customers waited an hour
and a half as the chain gave away millions of the meals,” the
Associated Press reports. “Stores ran out of chicken on Tuesday and
Wednesday… There were isolated reports across the country of
customers becoming upset at KFC stores as they waited.” Eternal morals:
Never underestimate the power of Oprah, chicken, or a nonproverbial
free meal.

THURSDAY, MAY 7 Nothing happened today, unless you count the
release of this statement from KFC headquarters: “We are so sorry, but
due to the overwhelming response to our FREE Kentucky Grilled
Chicken™ meal coupon, we can no longer redeem the free coupon at
this time. But we will honor our commitment to giving you a free
Kentucky Grilled Chicken meal… [We will issue] a rain check for your
free Kentucky Grilled Chicken meal at a later date, plus a free Pepsi
with our compliments. Your participating KFC restaurant will provide
you with the form you need.”

FRIDAY, MAY 8 The week continues with the riotous cavalcade
of dancing bellies, robotic comedy, avant-garde oxygen deprivation,
screechy judgment, and awe-inspiring carving of air hosted by yours
truly tonight at Chop Suey, where the third-annual Stranger Gong Show
went down in front of a roaring crowd. Walking away with top honors, a
ton of prizes, and $300 cash: Airpocalypse, Seattle’s
most impassioned air band. (How did an effing air band beat all of the
night’s other amazing acts? By driving the audience into worshipful
hysterics and inspiring the judges to bestow straight
10s, that’s how.) Relegated to second place but claiming first
in Last Days’ heart: Cartoon Capers, whose act
involved a table with an aquarium full of water at one end. The act
commenced when one of the men submerged his head in the aquarium while
the other stripped off his shirt, lay back on the table, and began
eating cereal off his concave chest. This
cereal-eating involved pouring cereal from the box, pouring milk over
the cereal, eating the milky cereal with a spoon, then sucking up the
remaining milk with a long straw. When the cereal eater was done with
his first serving, he poured another: cereal, milk, spoon, straw, the
whole process again. Throughout all of this, the other guy’s
head was underwater. After two and a half minutes (!), the
cereal guy stood up, the other guy pulled his head from the aquarium,
and the act was complete. The properly awed judges gave the act almost
straight 10s, marred only by judge Jen Zeyl’s title-denying 9, which
came with a wisecrack that was easily worth $300: “I loved it, but you
really could’ve taken the time to slice a banana.” Humongous thanks to
all of the night’s amazing acts, and see you next year (with a bigger
stage and fewer screechy judges).

SATURDAY, MAY 9 “I thought my threshold for bus behavior was
pretty high,” writes Hot Tipper Tania. “I dealt with the dude clipping
his toenails on the 49 and tolerated the woman using baby wipes to
clean her armpits on the 12, but here is where I absolutely draw the
line. Today, I was on the 15 headed toward First and Denny when I
realized the woman sitting across from me was jerking off the
guy next to her under his jacket. Did I mention this happened
at about 1:30 in the afternoon and the bus was PACKED? At first I
thought shooting looks at the “couple” would be enough to make them
reconsider their actions, but I was so wrong. To my absolute shock and
horror, when the woman’s phone rang, she wiped her primary jerking-off
hand on the seat in front of her, switched hands, and continued jerking
him off without skipping a texting beat. When I got off the bus, I took
a bath in Purell.” Dear Hot Tipper Tania: Thank you for surviving and
sharing and proving the old adage “Recessions make strange bus
hookers.”

SUNDAY, MAY 10 Nothing happened today, unless you count the
triumph of Seattle’s Garfield High School and Roosevelt High
School jazz bands, which claimed first and second place,
respectively, at the 14th annual Essentially Ellington competition
tonight at Lincoln Center. Hurrah for all.

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