Last Days

MONDAY, AUGUST 3 The week kicks off with a twisty tale of
betrayal, revenge, and Krazy Glue straight out of Wisconsin,
where a quartet of women stand accused of brutalizing a man who
allegedly wronged them. Details come from the Daily Mail, which
identifies the alleged victim as a 36-year-old man lured into a
trap set by his wife and his alleged lovers: “The attack took
place after Therese Ziemann, 48, lured [the man] to a motel in Chilton,
Wisconsin, with the promise of a massage. [The man] voluntarily allowed
himself to be tied to the bed and blindfolded. As he lay prone on the
bed, Ziemann opened the motel room door and two other women, Wendy
Sewell, 43, and Michelle Belliveau, 43, burst in.” According to the
police report, the bound man’s underpants were cut off with scissors
before a tube of Krazy Glue was liberally applied to his wang. The man
also told police that Ms. Ziemann pointed a gun at his head and
genitals and punched him in the face. The alleged mastermind behind the
ambush: the man’s wife, Tracy Hood-Davis, who reportedly
contacted her ex-husband’s mistresses, alerted them of their
overlapping love interest, and laid out her plan for revenge. All four
women were arrested and charged with felony false imprisonment, with
Ziemann facing an additional charge of sexual assault. On Thursday, the
victim will join his alleged attackers in legal hot water, as the glued
philanderer is charged with a variety of crimes, including felony child
abuse (for allegedly beating his young daughters) and misdemeanor theft
(for allegedly stealing the ashes of his estranged wife’s dead
father).

TUESDAY, AUGUST 4 In much better news, the week continues in
North Korea, where this morning, Bill Clinton met with Kim
Jong-il to secure the pardons of Laura Ling and Euna Lee, the
American journalists who were researching a story on human trafficking
in North Korea when they were arrested for allegedly entering the
country illegally and sentenced to 12 years of hard labor. Today, Kim
announced he was granting the women amnesty; tomorrow, both will be
safely home. Congratulations, Ling and Lee, and good work, Clinton.

•• Speaking of presidents who promised lots but delivered
little to gay Americans: Today, Barack Obama turned 48 years
old. Also born today: American musical treasure Louis Armstrong and world’s biggest butt-hole Billy Bob Thornton.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 5 In much worse news: Today, America woke
up to the horrendous story of the gun-fueled bloodbath at a gym
outside Pittsburgh, where last night a well-prepared psycho
fatally shot three women and injured nine more before killing
himself. The gunman: George Sodini, a 48-year-old computer
analyst with dating problems and a deadly hatred of women. The motives
for Sodini’s massacre are thoroughly and creepily explicated in his
writings and YouTube videos. “I actually look good,” wrote Mr. Sodini
in a 2008 journal entry. “I dress good, am clean-shaven, bathe, touch
of cologne—yet 30 million women rejected me” (see Savage Love,
page 71). To hell with George Sodini, who reportedly spent months
planning his massacre and who is the worst kind of psycho—a
self-pitying monster. Condolences to the family and friends of the
victims—46-year-old Heidi Overmier, 49-year-old Elizabeth Gannon,
and 37-year-old Jody Billingsley, three women who didn’t know Sodini
and who only wanted to get through their goddamn Tuesday-night Latin
Impact aerobics class.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 6 Nothing happened today, unless you count
the amazing gathering of police and suspected drug dealers at
Seattle’s Langston Hughes Performing Arts Center (see page 13), the
swearing-in of Sonia Sotomayor as the third female and first
Hispanic U.S. Supreme Court justice, or the sudden and sad death of
John Hughes, the American filmmaker responsible for the beloved
comedies Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and National Lampoon’s
Vacation, the generation-defining teen dramedies The Breakfast
Club and Pretty in Pink, and weird other stuff like Curly
Sue (see page 57).

FRIDAY, AUGUST 7 The week continues with a death-defying
extravaganza on the streets of Seattle: the 2009 Dead Baby Bicycle
Race, in which a bazillion two-wheeled thrill-seekers in various
states of intoxication race through the city en route to a street party
in Georgetown for bands, booze, and—dear God—tall-bike
jousting. Congratulations to all the survivors.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 8 In worse news, today brought the midair
collision of a sightseeing helicopter and a single-engine plane
over New York’s Hudson River, an accident that left nine people
dead. In better news, tonight brought Viva VHS to Seattle’s
Northwest Film Forum, an event featuring a well-curated collection of
delights from the VHS archives of Scarecrow Video (antidrug
PSAs, celebrity rapping, casual ’80s racism) that left a couple hundred
people happy and exhausted.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 9 The week ends with a stunningly odd story
out of Florida, which commenced earlier this year when a woman in
Melbourne placed a Craigslist ad offering her child-care services. As
Florida Today reports, this ad caught the attention of a man who
inquired if the woman knew any special-needs caregivers, as he had a
developmentally disabled brother in need of day care. Before
long, the woman was taking care of the caller’s 40-year-old brother,
who for four months spent his days watching cartoons and playing video
games at the woman’s house, where she would bottle-feed him and
change his diapers. Unfortunately, as the woman eventually found
out, the caller and the “disabled” brother were one and the
same—a 40-year-old “adult baby”/diaper fetishist who
FT is not identifying because he hasn’t been charged with
anything. “It’s a weird case,” said Sheriff’s Lt. Tod Goodyear to
FT. “It’s really on a borderline of possibly being a fraud. He
is perpetrating something there because he’s doing it under a false
pretense.” Meanwhile, the alleged victim is hoping to throw the book at
her would-be passive molester: “I consented to change his diapers, but
I legitimately thought this man needed help,” she said to FT.
“How can that not be a crime for him to come into my house and expose
himself?” Florida authorities are trying to figure it out.