Last Days

David Schmader is on vacation. In his absence, we’re thrilled to
present Last Days’ starry-eyed sister, Ann Romano. Enjoy!

MONDAY, AUGUST 17 Hollyweird manicurists are working overtime
this week, sharpening the claws of two of Tinselturd’s biggest
stars—because there’s gonna be a cougar fight, y’all! Oh
yeah! Cou-gar fight! Cou-gar fight! Okay, fine—so
maybe Renée Zellweger and Jennifer Aniston aren’t
clawing each others’ eyes out yet… but a girl can dream, can’t she?
According to Us magazine, Jennifer is still hoof-stamping mad
about “butter face” Renée stealing her stallion, The
Hangover‘s Bradley Cooper. “She honestly feels screwed
over,” says one of Jen’s lippy pals to Us, adding that the
former Friends star honestly “doesn’t see what Renée
has that she doesn’t.” For once, Jen? We wholeheartedly agree! It
is nearly inconceivable that Bradley would prefer someone with a face
that resembles a mismanaged Mrs. Potato Head over your own. We mean,
it’s not like Renée is as beautiful as Angelina Jolie,
right? Or as poised as, say, Angelina Jolie. And if you’re going
to have your man stolen by someone, then at least make it someone as
genetically perfect as Angelina Jolie, wouldn’t you agree? But
to have Bradley ripped from your grasp by a skinny, bird-faced hag who
doesn’t even come close to the stunning allure of Angelina
Jolie? That really has to smart.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 18 You know Hollyweird is going downhill fast
when its celebs are incapable of making a decent sex tape. As
reported last week, a sexy home video featuring Grey’s Anatomy star Eric Dane, his wife Rebecca Gayheart, and dethroned
Miss Teen USA Kari Ann Peniche was ejaculated onto the internet.
Unfortunately, while the threesome sat around naked making up porn
names for themselves (Rebecca = Nina, Kari = Fifi, and Eric = Cocaine
Manor?), according to Dane’s lawyer, nothing even remotely sexy
happened! “Although the participants are nude,” says legal eagle
Marty Singer, “the tape is not a ‘sex tape.’ It is a private
tape made for only my client’s personal use.” Okay, fine—it was
for their own personal boredom and not for our Hubby Kip to
watch on his iPhone for 20 minutes in the bathroom. (But just so you
know? Kip was extremely disappointed.) MEANWHILE… As
you’ve undoubtedly heard, conservative screwballs have been
disrupting town-hall meetings across the nation in an attempt to derail
the discussion about overhauling the nation’s broken health-care
system. However, a few of these crackpots got a well-deserved
tongue-lashing tonight in Massachusetts from our fave gay
representative, Barney Frank. After shouting down the shouters,
Frank went toe-to-toe with one disgruntled dingbat who compared the new
plan to Nazism and Obama to Hitler, leading Frank to ask
her, “On what planet do you spend most of your time?” BURN! The
whack job’s second attempt to make her hateful point was also shut down
by Frank, who told her, “Trying to have a conversation with you would
be like trying to argue with a dining-room table. I have no interest in
doing it.” DOUBLE BURN! Note to everyone in the world: No more making
comparisons to Hitler, unless you’re talking about (a) Hitler or (b)
Renée Zellweger.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19 Earlier this month, a helicopter
collided with a small private plane over the Hudson River, killing
nine people. Today we learned what the air traffic controller in
charge was doing at the time of the accident: making jokes about
barbecuing a cat. According to the transcript taken inside the air
traffic control center in New Jersey’s Teterboro Airport, the
controller was on the phone with a female employee making jokes
about what to do with a lost cat located in the airport property room.
“We got plenty of gas in the grill?” the controller asked. “Fire up
the cat.” The National Transportation Safety Board said the unfunny
banter continued until one second before the crash, when the controller
presumably figured out what was going on. Seconds later, nine people
were dead. And even though this controller’s actions were despicable,
we staunchly refuse to compare him to Hitler. (However, Hermann
Göring and Chris Brown are still on the table.)

THURSDAY, AUGUST 20 Hey, everybody! Hitler stole Lindsay
Lohan’s cell phone! Okay, so maybe it wasn’t Hitler, per se…
however, a New York deli employee did refuse to return Lindsay’s
cell phone that she had left behind until he could check a security
tape to make sure it was hers. And that’s kind of Hitler-esque, right?
Naturally, LiLo was so upset by this slight that she threw a fit and
called the police. We mean, what else was she supposed to do?
Besides, didn’t the deli worker know who Lindsay was? According
to TMZ.com: “The deli worker had no idea who Lohan was.“
Ohhhhh!! Isn’t that just so… HITLER!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 21 So, speaking of Hitler… Brad Pitt,
the dreamy star of Quentin Tarantino‘s WWII flick Inglourious
Basterds, has some choice words for another Nazi film! “It was a
ridiculous movie,” Pitt reportedly told a German magazine about
Valkyrie, the WWII film starring Scientology poster boy Tom
Cruise. We’re not sure how Cruise reacted to the dis, but we did
track down Scientology’s supreme commander for comment. “Balderdash!”
bellowed Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. “As if the star of
Seven Years in Tibet and Legends of the Fall is in any
position to call anything ‘ridiculous’! More like… like… Seven
Million Years in Tibet! Because it was so long, you see! Or…
ah… Legends of the I’m Fall-ing Asleep! Because hello!
Bo-ring!” After several deep inhalations though his chest gills,
Klaktu regained his composure. “I apologize,” he said, unclenching his
tentacles and stroking his pet Denobulan ooze-ferret. “It’s just
so frustrating to hear this ‘Brad’ human giving Tom lip. I mean, Tom
worked really hard on Valkyrie! He had to wear an eye patch and
everything! Ah, well—when our gargantuan planet-destroyer, The L.
Ron, enters Earth’s orbit in chrono-year 2014, all nonbelievers will be
vaporized, so it makes little difference.” UPDATE! “Brad has
never seen Valkyrie, so this is not accurate,” Pitt’s manager
has told Us. When informed of this development, Emperor Klaktu
softened a bit. “Well… okay,” he grumbled. “Fine. But also—and
really, I don’t mean to harp on this—but Meet Joe Black?
Come on! More like… Meet Joe… Meet Joe… ah,
yes! Meet Joe 40 Minutes Too Long! Ka-ZING! Right? Am I right?
Well? Am I?”

SATURDAY, AUGUST 22 Nothing happened today.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 23 Nothing happened today, either.