Last Days

David Schmader is on vacation. In his absence, we’re thrilled to
present Last Days’ starry-eyed sister, Ann Romano. Enjoy!

MONDAY, AUGUST 24 The following is not a rhetorical question:
Is there a God? If indeed there is a God, then how could He
stand idly by, callously allowing the continuation of such utter horror
and hardship in the world? Example: the Hollyweird burgling
spree that has victimized both Lindsay Lohan and Audrina
Patridge (that donkey-toothed gal from The Hills). As
briefly reported last week, Lindsay had just returned from not embarrassing herself as a guest judge on Project Runway, when
she discovered her Hollyweird Hills home had been unceremoniously
burgled and ransacked. According to publicist Leslie
Sloane-Zelnick, many of LiLo’s “personal belongings were
taken—without remorse.” (Talk about being omniscient! How do
publicists know these things?) Even more shocking? Security-camera
footage shows an eerie resemblance between LiLo’s
thieves—a young man and two women—and the burglar and
burglarettes who recently robbed the home of the dentally challenged
Audrina. While the LAPD is in search of these bandits, Lindsay is doing
a little crime cracking of her own—via Twatter! “i know it
was not a ROBBERY,” twatted the underwearless Sherlock Holmes.
“electronics weren’t taken… just things that a certain old
friend knew meant a lot to me.” Ahhh… see what she’s doing there?
By sneakily dropping in the phrase “old friend,” Lindsay is
surreptitiously trying to make the mastermind expose him/herself! Like
for example… YOU, Samantha Ronson! Or YOU, Paris
Hilton! Or YOU, Brandon “Firecrotch” Davis! Tell you what…
Lindsay’s going to cut the lights and count to 10. If her sex toys and
underpants aren’t returned to their rightful place (which is to say, in
the general vicinity of her vaheena), there’s going to be hell to
pay!!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 25 Rest in peace, Senator Teddy
Kennedy, who succumbed to brain cancer today at the age of
77. A tireless advocate for civil rights, and most recently health
care, Senator Kennedy leaves behind a remarkable body of legislation as
well as a reputation for encouraging and achieving bipartisanship under
the most difficult circumstances. To say “he will be missed” is a gross
understatement. MEANWHILE… Pop singer and part-time
woman-beater Chris Brown was sentenced today to five years
probation, a year of domestic-abuse counseling, and 1,400 hours of
“hard labor” service (including graffiti removal and washing cars)
for assaulting girlfriend/singer Rihanna. He has also been
ordered to stay away from his former flame for five years, until his
probation period has ended. But for those of you who are concerned that
Brown may have sunk into a bottomless pit of depression after receiving
this sentence—fear not! Brown was spotted later on this evening
at West Hollywood’s Guys & Dolls club, singing and dancing on a
tabletop to Michael Jackson’s “Dirty Diana.” (Perhaps the judge can
amend Brown’s five-year sentence to include “staying away from
Rihanna… and everyone else in the world, while he’s at it.”)

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26 Another sad loss—this time for the
literary scene. Famed crime author, Vanity Fair contributor, and
raconteur Dominick Dunne passed away today from cancer at
the age of 83. MEANWHILE… Just when you’ve managed to convince
yourself that maybe, just maybe, America’s torture of terror
suspects started and stopped with waterboarding, a secret CIA
report reveals just the opposite. The 109-page report, released by
the Justice Department, details a litany of stomach-turning
abuses against suspects inside overseas CIA prisons. According to
the New York Times, these abuses “included suggestions about
sexually assaulting members of a detainee’s family, staging
mock executions, intimidation with a handgun and power
drill, and blowing cigar and cigarette smoke into prisoners’ faces
to make them vomit.” Oh, and of course there was plenty of
waterboarding as well—but you have to do something to
break up the day, right?

THURSDAY, AUGUST 27 And now it’s time for the latest news
from America’s least relevant art form… the Broadway musical!
A key scene has been dumped from the most recent revival of Broadway’s
classic hit Bye Bye Birdie, now starring Showgirls alum Gina Gershon. According to the NY Daily News,
Gershon plays Rose, who, in an attempt to forget her boyfriend, Albert,
performs a wild, erotic dance with a bunch of horny Shriners.
However, the producers are planning on cutting this particular scene
because, according to Gershon, “It seemed a little too gang
rape-y.” Phew! Good to know. So don’t worry, folks! The next time
you’re in NYC, be sure to catch the hit revival Bye Bye Birdie:
Now with 25 percent less “gang rape-iness!”

FRIDAY, AUGUST 28 Brace yourselves, ladies: That hussy
Emily Blunt has conned an engagement ring out of the dreamy
John Krasinski! You probably know John from his charming role as
“Jim” on The Office, and you probably know Emily from her wooden
attempts at scene-stealing in The Devil Wears Prada. Well,
Emily, kudos to you, you talentless, ham-fisted skank. Somehow, you’ve
snagged one of the very few available, nonmoronic, hetero men in
Hollyweird (not to mention one who always has perfectly
tousled hair). We hope you’re pleased with yourself, and we wish
you both all the luck in the world! (Also, confidential to “J.K.”: You
can do better! We can, and will, leave Hubby Kip at any time.
We have a suitcase full of mousse hidden under the bed in the guest
room, packed up and ready to go.)

SATURDAY, AUGUST 29 “We had a track record… of defending
the nation against any further mass casualty attacks from al
Qaeda,” former vice president Dick Cheney grumbled today on
Fox News. “The approach of the Obama administration should be to come
to those people who were involved in that policy and say, ‘How did you
do it? What were the keys to keeping this country safe over that period
of time?’ Instead… they’re going to go out and investigate the CIA
personnel who carried out those investigations.” (Those CIA
“investigations,” if you’ll recall, consisted of waterboarding and also of things like the much-admired Photography 101 course
at Abu Ghraib.) Apparently under the delusion that anyone still cared
what he thought, the diabolical puppet master continued his rambling,
adding that the Obama administration’s investigations of the country’s
use of torture were “intensely partisan” and that the whole thing
“offends the hell out of me.” Which reminds us: Can someone
please tell Dick Cheney to die already?

SUNDAY, AUGUST 30 Nothing happened today.

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