Last Days

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 7 The week kicks off with Labor Day,
the U.S. federal holiday that celebrates work and workers by
giving a whole bunch of Americans the day off. Not among the recumbent:
the hordes of musicians, artists, vendors, and tech folk who created
the final day of Bumbershoot 2009, where Last Days caught the
last half of an impressively melodic sit-down set by the Lonely Forest, saw the first half of a blowout show by
Visqueen, and got completely soaked.

••Speaking of impressive art: This evening brought a fresh
episode of Hoarders, A&E’s new documentary series created by
Seattle’s Screaming Flea Productions that chronicles the lives of
people who literally cannot throw anything away. Last Days has
seen all four episodes of Hoarders, and here are some things we
have learned:

1. Hoarders is 100 times more interesting than A&E’s
similarly psychotic Intervention for the simple reason that a
guided tour of someone’s hoarding is far more visually interesting than
a guided tour of someone’s alcoholism. Intervention‘s main
subject is bottoming-out addicts, while Hoarders‘ main subject
is whole houses packed with crazy. Best of all, the
crazy-
packed-house dwellers are sane enough to know that they need
help, and they get it before our eyes. Instead of Intervention‘s
packed-off-to-rehab denouements, Hoarders devotes the second
half (at least) of each episode to hands-on dismantling of
craziness. It’s strangely heartening to watch these
people—with the help of charming professionals—face fears
they are absolutely certain will kill them but of course do not.

2. Hoarders contains some of the grossest footage we’ve ever
seen on television. A key moment in every story line comes with the
visit of the first nonacclimated party to the rancid space, as you see
the smell land on their faces. In the next scene, they’re hidden
behind protective masks. The most recent episode featured a lady who
hoarded cats and showed extensive footage of rotting cat corpses
being pulled from a packed-to-the-rafters garage. We covered our eyes
for at least three minutes of it.

3. Last Days dreams of appearing on Hoarders for hoarding
episodes of Hoarders, which we will compulsively copy onto VHS
and DVD and file away in cat-pissed-soaked cardboard boxes until the
city threatens us with a letter.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 8 The week continues in Arlington,
Virginia, where this morning President Barack Obama delivered a speech to students at Wakefield High School and across the
United States, with his address streamed live on the White House
website and broadcast into classrooms around the country via C-SPAN. In
a disturbing twist, the president’s speech to students was banned by
numerous school districts, which fell for the wingnut uproar over a
black Muslim socialist indoctrinating their children during school
hours. (Among the gullible wusses: the Bellevue School District,
which banned classroom broadcasts of the president’s speech, instead
offering a DVD to students for home viewing. Be proud, BSD.) Among the
president’s potentially dangerous tips for kids: Stay in school, pay
attention, work hard, set goals, wash your hands a lot, and be careful
what you put on Facebook. “What you make of your education will decide
nothing less than the future of this country,” said our child-poisoning
president. “What you’re learning in school today will determine whether
we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future.”

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 Speaking of the president speaking,
today he did it some more, giving a televised speech to a joint session
of Congress and calling for sweeping health-care legislation to protect
the millions of Americans who have unreliable or no health insurance.
“I will not waste time with those who have made the calculation that
it’s better politics to kill this plan than to improve it,” said Obama
of his unnamed Republican detractors, acknowledging that his proposed
changes would cost about $900 billion over the next decade—”less
than we have spent on the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, and less than the
tax cuts for the wealthiest few Americans passed during the Bush
administration.” Beyond the bracing proclamations, Obama supported but
did not insist on a public insurance option (wuss) and weathered an
outburst from a loony Southern senator, who vociferously insisted the
president was not telling the truth when he asserted that only legal
aliens would be eligible for the improved health care. But it was
mostly bracing proclamations: “As soon as I sign this bill, it will be
against the law for insurance companies to drop your coverage when you
get sick or water it down when you need it most,” said Obama. “I am not
the first president to take up this cause, but I am determined to be
the last.”

••Also today: The world learned that American Idol will be replacing the lovably druggy judge Paula Abdul with
America’s favorite lesbian and exemplary human being Ellen
DeGeneres.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 10 Speaking of good news, this evening
brought the first Seattle mayoral debate of the general
election, with Mike McGinn and Joe Mallahan hitting the stage at the
Cinerama for some competitive spokesmodeling of their ideals. As
described by The Stranger‘s Dominic Holden and confirmed by
SeattlePI.com‘s Joel Connelly,
tonight’s debate revealed McGinn to be relaxed, affable, and
surprisingly well-informed on a variety of topics, and Mallahan to be a
terse-yet-gassy sloganeer. Round two coming soon.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 11 Last Days will commemorate the eighth
anniversary of the worst day in contemporary American history with a
suitably awful story out of Michigan, where today an
anti-abortion protester and an owner of gravel company were fatally
gunned down in the town of Owosso. Details on the killings come from
the Associated Press, which identifies the alleged killer as
33-year-old Harlan James Drake, who police allege gunned down
63-year-old James Pouillon in front of Owosso High School (where
Pouillon made a perfectly legal habit of displaying placards depicting
aborted fetuses, and whose students witnessed the slaying) before
driving seven miles to the Fuoss Gravel Company to allegedly gun down
61-year-old Mike Fuoss (against whom Drake reportedly harbored “a
grudge”). Following the killings, Drake was arrested at his home, where
he reportedly told police of his involvement in at least one of the
killings. This afternoon, Drake will be charged with two counts of
first-degree murder.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 12 Nothing happened today, unless you
count the tens of thousands of Glenn Beck fans who took to the National
Mall in Washington, D.C., to protest our Muslim socialist black man of
a president.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 13 Nothing happened today, unless you count
MTV’s Video Music Awards, where Kanye West bullied a little girl
and Lady Gaga bled all over the stage. Nevertheless, Last Days
prays that this fall’s Kanye West/Lady Gaga tour comes to Seattle.