Last Days

David Schmader is out this week. In his absence, we’re thrilled
to present the return of Last Days’ starry-eyed sister, Ann Romano.
Enjoy!

MONDAY, OCTOBER 12 Put the ethical-thinking portion of
your brain on red alert—here comes the most stinking scoop of the
week from Hollyweird! Remember that soulful (yet funny) public
apology David Letterman made last Monday after
earlier admitting he had slept with staff members behind the back of wife Regina Lasko? Well according
to lippy pals, Lasko has hereby deemed the televised apology
“insufficient”! Fox News reports that last Monday’s mea culpa was
something Letterman had no intention of doing, but according to a snoop
close to Lasko, “Regina told him he better make an
apology to let everyone know how sorry he was for how much he
hurt and humiliated her.” The snoop also said that Letterman would be
allowed “one or two jokes… as long as they weren’t
at her expense.” However, tonight when Letterman threw in a couple more
wisecracks than were previously agreed upon, Lasko got all fumey!
“Regina felt like Dave’s humorous take on the apology lessened the
sincerity of it, and she’s not happy at all,” said the
source. Dear married men: There’s a reason the phrase goes “Cheaters
never win.”

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 13 Here’s the story of a special kind of
Portland love. The Oregonian reports that a local man not only
knocked around his ex–gal pal when she refused to get back
together with him—he also stabbed her pet fish.
Court records say that Sarah Harris came home to find ex-boyfriend
Donald Earl Fite III lying on her bed (eww) and
begging to get back together. When she refused, Fite knocked her around
the apartment before she made her escape. Returning later with a police
officer, they found Harris’s betta fish “Delorean” stuck to the wood floor with a knife through its
belly. According to police, Fite quickly admitted to murdering
Delorean, telling them, “If she can’t have me, then she can’t have the
fish.” After pleading guilty today to animal abuse and
domestic-violence assault, the judge ordered Fite to stay away from
Harris, but—and we’re not making this up—he could still
have contact with fish. Think that’s unfair? Just wait until the next
time Fite goes swimming in a lake or eats in a seafood restaurant where
there are tanks filled with live fish, crab, and eels. Then he’ll learn
what “fish justice” really means.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 14 Have you ever been diagnosed with an
“incurable” sexually transmitted disease, and then a scientific
breakthrough suddenly rendered the disease curable? That’s how we felt
today after learning that after next month, Jon & Kate Plus
8 will be going off the air… forever! After
months of very public bickering, Jon took a break from dating a litany
of bimbos to grow a conscience and decided that the reality show was
doing irreparable harm to his children.
(Coincidentally, Jon received this epiphany AFTER he was kicked off the
program—so make of that what you will.) But don’t worry, lovers
of domestic mental abuse! We still have months of juicy legal
wrangling, court cases, and the eventual heartrending custody battle.
It’ll be like watching your parents’ divorce all over again! (Except
this time, you won’t be carving “I hate Mommy and Daddy” into your
thigh.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15 Omigod, you guys! According to this
blaring headline from Us Weekly: “Jennifer
Aniston and John Mayer: They’re Back On!” Do
you realize what this means? We can finally dust off our Roget’s
Thesaurus (Special Horse Synonym and Antonym Edition) and spend
thousands of column inches on Aniston’s horselike face and Mayer’s
horselike phallus, and… and… CRAP!! THIS JUST IN! Multiple news outlets are reporting that a homemade weather
balloon has escaped over Colorado with a 6-year-old
boy trapped inside! (Okay, so maybe this is slightly more important than Jen and John. Whinny.) According to still-breaking
reports, the child is Falcon Heene, whose parents are
“weather-
chasing and extraterrestrial enthusiasts” (whaaaa?) and
have been featured on the ABC reality show Wife Swap (WHAAA?).
Law-enforcement officials are frantically chasing… wait. THIS
JUST IN! The balloon has landed—without the boy
inside! Several spectators swear they saw something fall from
the balloon, sending officials and search helicopters on a mad… hold
on. THIS JUST IN! Falcon has been found,
hiding inside a box in the attic of his parents’
garage! OH, THANK GOD! The poor parents must have been simply frantic
with worry—but now that their beloved son has been recovered,
they can… just a second. THIS JUST IN! During a live
Larry King interview, when the boy was asked by his

father why he didn’t respond when they were calling for him,
Falcon responded, “You had said we did this for a show.” THIS
JUST IN! WHAT… THE… FUCK????

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16 Today, Falcon Heene, the
6-year-old who was ostensibly trapped in a balloon 7,000 feet above the
ground, threw up. Twice. On national television. His
first hurl was on Today; as Falcon sat on the lap of his
father, Richard, host Meredith Vieira asked the Heenes
if the whole thing had been a hoax. An indignant
Richard insisted it wasn’t—at which point, Falcon asked his
mother for a bowl, which he promptly blew chunks into.
THEN… A few hours later, over on ABC, Falcon was
questioned about his fishy “we did this for a show” comment—at
which point, right on cue, the poor kid vomited again.
(Thankfully, it was off-camera this time, though his horking sounds
were clearly audible.) Hmm. We hate to say it, but something
about this seems… off, somehow, y’know?
MEANWHILE… “Another trend about health right now is
doing colonics!” Tyra Banks proclaimed on her talk show today, once again reminding everyone of her
profound mental disabilities. “I know that some people are like,
‘What’s a colonic?‘” the air-headed Banks continued.
“A colonic is when you stick this, like, tube in your
booty? And um, they suck the poo out of you.
So it’s like the opposite of diarrhea, okay? [Yes, yes… that
makes no sense. And yet? There’s more.] And guess what?” Tyra
giggled. “We’re about to do a colonic, live, on television, right now!”
We hereby declare today, October 16, 2009, as the grossest day
in television history.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17 As previously mentioned, the balloon
boy’s family appeared on Wife Swap, where, according to the
New York Times, Richard Heene “was portrayed as erratic, at
one point throwing a glass of milk on a participant on
the program.” And—what a coincidence!—”the producers of
Wife Swap in a statement said they had been working with the
family on developing a show but weren’t anymore.” Huh. That seems weird.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 18 “It has been determined that this is a
hoax, and that it was a publicity stunt,” said
Colorado sheriff Jim Alderden today about all that
balloon-boy nonsense. “The [family’s] plan was to launch the spacecraft
for a reality TV show. The plan was to create a situation where it
appeared that Falcon was in the craft to gain publicity… for a
television show,” the pissed-off Alderden said, adding that charges
would be most definitely be pressed against the attention-lovin’
family. So… what next? The New York Times says, “The most
serious charges are felonies and carry a maximum sentence of
six years in prison and a $500,000
fine. Alderen said they would be seeking restitution for the
costs [of the effort to rescue Falcon], though he didn’t have an
estimate. The cost for just the two military helicopters [that trailed
the balloon] was about $14,500.” SO… Listen up, TLC!
All that money you’re saving by canceling Jon & Kate Plus
8? Pay off the Heenes’ fines, and give ’em (and us) the reality
show they (and we) so desperately want! How about this: Jon &
the Octomom Plus 17 (If You Include the Balloon Boy).

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