Last Days

Dear readers: For years, Last Days has illustrated a few of each
week’s news items with more-or-less relevant photo images. For example,
last week’s news item about Bea Arthur was accompanied by a photo of
Bea Arthur. However, this week’s news is so thoroughly dominated by
horror—two psychotic massacres, one killer storm—that we’ve
decided to forgo themed images for peppy visual pick-me-ups.
Enjoy.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2 This week of ridiculously extensive horror
and lighthearted visual analgesics kicks off with today’s relatively
benign story of Brian Schroeder, aka the 26-year-old
Harvard Law School graduate whose legal ambitions and devotion to human
rights might forever be obliterated by his status as the guy who got so
drunk he doesn’t remember allegedly setting fire to a New York City
chapel containing the remains of 9/11 victims. As police told the
New York Daily News, authorities believe the damaging but
nondeadly fire was the result of “a drunken prank,” and while Schroeder
turned himself in to police last Friday, he doesn’t seem to know any
more about his motive than anyone else. “I just cannot imagine, nor can
he, why he would have done that,” said Schroeder’s mom to the
News, insisting that her son doesn’t remember how or why he
came to be a 9/11-memorial-targeting arsonist. And while his motives
may be mysterious, the results of his actions are tangible: Schroeder
had been offered a job at the New York office of Sidley
Austin—the nation’s seventh largest law firm—but this
morning the offer was officially rescinded. (Not only is alleged arson
conduct unbecoming of a lawyer, Sidley Austin had 600 employees in the
north tower of the World Trade Center on 9/11.) Released on $3,000 bail
last night, Schroeder’s due back in court to face charges on January
11.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 3 The week continues with Election
Day 2009, a combo platter of horror and delight in which the
marriage-equality-hating majority in Maine rebranded
their state as the Alabama of the North and Washington State
voters did almost everything right, including but not limited
to: approving extended domestic-partnership rights for the state’s
same-sex couples, subjecting terrifying politi-bot Susan
Hutchison to a humiliating defeat at the hands of Dow
Constantine, handing Tim Eyman his idiotic
ass on a platter, and picking bearish heartthrob Mike
McGinn for mayor of Seattle over T-Mobile representative Joe
Mallahan. Congratulations to all.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 4 Today brings another
schadenfreude-packed update on Carrie Prejean, the
controversially deposed, ostentatiously “Christian” Miss California who
continues to delight. The week before last, we learned about the
lawsuit filed against Prejean by the Miss California USA Pageant,
seeking reimbursement for the boob job it bought
Prejean prior to the Miss USA pageant. Today brings an elliptically
sordid update on the ongoing legal battle from TMZ
.com: “Prejean
demanded more than a million dollars during her settlement negotiations
with Miss California USA Pageant officials—that is, until
the lawyer for the Pageant showed Carrie an XXX home video of her
handiwork. The video the lawyer showed Carrie is extremely
graphic and has never been released publicly… Let’s just say, Carrie
has a promising solo career.” (Last Days’ translation: The would-be
Carrie Prejean sex tape features our little angel jilling off
for a webcam.) Back to TMZ: “We’re told it took about 15
seconds for Carrie to jettison her demand and essentially walk away
with nothing. As we first reported, the Pageant is paying around
$100,000 to her lawyers and publicist—a fraction of her bills.
She pockets nothing in the settlement.” Thank you, Jesus.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 5 We continue with the first of the week’s
two psychotic massacres. Psychotic massacre number one
took place today in Killeen, Texas, where today a U.S. Army
psychiatrist preempted his upcoming deployment to Afghanistan by
opening fire on a crowd of young soldiers at Fort
Hood, killing 13 people and wounding 29 others. As witnesses
told authorities, the alleged gunman—39-year-old Major
Nidal Malik Hasan of Virginia—”appeared calm”
and shouted “Allahu akbar!” (Arabic for “God is great”) before
commencing his rampage. As ABC News reports, the carnage was brought to
a halt by Sergeant Kimberly Munley, a civilian cop and
a mother of two, who was wounded in both legs and her wrist during the
close-range gunfight that ultimately left Hasan in critical condition.
Tomorrow, Hasan will be transferred to a San Antonio medical center
where his condition will be upgraded to stable. Follow-up investigation
into Hasan’s alleged Muslim extremism and/or harassment over his Muslim
faith will prove inconclusive and contradictory, so let’s close with
hard facts from the Associated Press: “The dead included a pregnant
woman who was preparing to return home, a man who quit a furniture
company job to join the military about a year ago, a newlywed who had
served in Iraq, and a woman who had vowed to take on Osama bin Laden
after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.” Condolences to all.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 6 Nothing happened today, unless you count
another gun-wielding psycho going on another murderous rampage. Today’s
rampage location: Orlando, Florida, where today
40-year-old Jason Rodriguez returned to the consulting
firm that fired him two years prior and allegedly opened fire, shooting
one person dead and wounding five others. Rodriguez ended the day in
police custody after a citywide manhunt tracked him to his mother’s
apartment, where he was apprehended. Tomorrow, Rodriguez will be
charged with first-degree murder and five counts of attempted
murder.

••Meanwhile in Seattle: Thousands of people packed into
KeyArena to honor Timothy Brenton, the Seattle police
officer assassinated in the Central District last Saturday. As
Brenton’s memorial winded down, things were heating up in Tukwila,
where homicide investigators descended on the apartment of 41-year-old
Christopher Monfort, a suspect in the shooting who pulled a gun on
investigators and was promptly shot. Monfort will end today in
Seattle’s Harborview Medical Center, where he’ll be listed in critical
condition. On Monday, police will announce their discovery of ballistic
and DNA evidence linking Monfort to Officer Brenton’s murder scene.
Again, condolences to all and stay tuned.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 7 Nothing happened today, unless you count
the House of Representatives’ passage of sweeping health-care reform
legislation, which now faces a ferocious battle in the Senate.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 8 The week ends with the aforementioned
killer storm, as a burst of deadly weather (initially and incorrectly
identified as Hurricane Ida) killed at least 140 people in floods and
mudslides in
El Salvador.

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