Last Days

David Schmader is out this week. In his absence, we’re thrilled to present the return of Last Days’ starry-eyed sister, Ann Romano. Enjoy!

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15 Get ready for the freshest scoop from the litter box of Tinsel Turd! It was only a matter of time perhaps, but one of Tiger Woods‘s mistresses is claiming that the golfer knocked her up not only once—but TWICE. The accuser is none other than porn star Joslyn James, who, according to our Hubby Kip, starred in such cinematic classics as MILF Worship 4, Big Breasted Nurses, and Shorty Iz Fuckin’ Yo Mama 2 (a sequel that Kip notes “lacks the gravitas of its predecessor”). Regardless, James gabbed to Inside Edition that not only did the illicit lovers refuse to use protection, she was impregnated by the Woodster twice—one pregnancy miscarried, while the second was aborted because Woods’s son, Charlie (fathered with wife Elin Nordegren), was to be born around the same time. “LIES! LIES! LIES!” counters Deborah Siwik, stepmother of the porn star. “Joslyn is a compulsive liar and a bad mom,” Siwik told RadarOnline.com. “While [my husband and I] were staying with her, we saw all kinds of men and women coming and going at all times of the night.” (We’re not exactly sure how this disproves James’s abortion story, but since it’s fun to watch a stepmom and stepdaughter hash out personal dramas in the public sphere, we’re not about to get in the way. Besides, wouldn’t this story make a great screen treatment for Tiger Iz Fuckin’ Yo Stepmama and Stepdaughter 5?)

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 16 Actress Christina Hendricks—the lovely and voluptuous Joan from Mad Men—graced the newest edition of New York magazine released today, dressed in an extremely flattering and revealing corset. Before Hubby Kip absconded with the issue to our bathroom, we were able to glean one quote from the accompanying article in which Hendricks waxed poetic about all the fuss everyone makes about her amazing hourglass figure. “It kind of hurt my feelings at first,” Hendricks confessed. “Any time someone talks about your figure constantly, you get nervous, you get really self-conscious. I was working my butt off on the show, and then all anyone was talking about was my body.” Ummm… yeah… but then again, dear, you are half-nude on the cover of a national magazine, which does tend to attract a bit of attention from easily distracted men who enjoy that heaving-bosom sort of thing, and… HUBBY KIP! I hear you using my Oil of Olay lotion! Cut… it… out! MEANWHILE… In all-important Jersey Shore news, the MTV show that has garnered derision (and ratings) because of its perceived Italian-
American stereotypes was dealt a devastating blow today when cast member Jenni “JWOWW” Farley admitted to Foxnews.com that neither she nor her orange-skinned cohort Snooki are actually Italian American. JWOWW insists she’s “Spanish and Irish” while Snooki is actually Chilean. IN A RELATED STORY… Everything you’ve come to believe in is a lie. (Can someone please plug us back into the Matrix?)

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 17 U.S. Olympic Committee to snowboarder Scott Lago: “Congratulations on winning the bronze medal in today’s half-pipe competition. We hereby BANISH YOU from the Olympic Village!” Adorable Lago’s banishment occurred after racy photos of him with a young lady were taken today and promptly distributed throughout the internet by TMZ.com. In the photos, Lago was clearly enjoying the spoils of his victory, allowing a sexy admirer the opportunity to bite his newly won medal, as well as kiss it—while it dangled from his belt in front of his clothed penis. Well, apparently the committee has little use for athletes and mimed fellatio, for it sent Lago packing and issued the following holier-than-everyone remarks: “Scotty Lago is a great athlete, but with that comes a responsibility of proper conduct [Zzzzz… —Ann] and his involvement in this situation is not acceptable. Scotty realizes his conduct was inappropriate [Zzzzz… snort! Zzzz… —Ann]. He has formally apologized and also made a decision to leave Vancouver today [Bullshit, you threw him out! Zzzzz… —Ann].” When reached for comment, Lago’s bronze medal replied, “Dude! I totally touched Lago’s boner! WHOOO! Get me another drink.”

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 18 Today in “nonterrorism” news: Computer engineer/musician Andrew Joseph Stack III of Austin, Texas, calmly wrote a long rambling manifesto on the internet deriding the Internal Revenue Service, set his house on fire, climbed into a single-engine Piper airplane, and then crashed it into the local IRS building. (Two people were killed, while two others were seriously injured.) However, it must be noted that these actions—though they were clearly fueled by rage and antigovernment sentiment—were NOT related to any kind of “terrorism.” Shortly following the planned attack, the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement saying, “At this time, we have no reason to believe there is a nexus to terrorist activity.” Would that be because the pilot’s skin wasn’t brown?

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 19 Loath as we are to say anything even remotely nice about Family Guy—aka “the Two and a Half Men of cartoons“—even we have to applaud the show for pissing off Sarah Palin. Last Sunday, a character with Down syndrome appeared on the show—and, when asked about her family, she responded, “My dad is an accountant and my mom is the former governor of Alaska.” Palin, as is her charming wont, flew into a self-righteous rage, racing to Facebook to furiously type that the episode was a “kick in the gut” and an insult to her son Trig (who, as every single living entity in the entire galaxy knows, has Down syndrome). Bristol Palin weighed in as well, eloquently adding, “If the writers of a particularly pathetic cartoon show thought they were being clever in mocking my brother and my family yesterday, they failed, all they proved is that they’re heartless jerks.” Only problem? The clueless Palins didn’t realize that the heartless jerk who voiced the Family Guy character was Andrea Fay Friedman, a 39-year-old actress who happens to have Down syndrome. “I guess former governor Palin does not have a sense of humor,” Friedman wrote in an e-mail to the New York Times, noting that her parents raised her “to have a sense of humor and to live a normal life.” Friedman added, “My mother did not carry me around under her arm like a loaf of French bread the way former governor Palin carries her son Trig around looking for sympathy and votes.” SNAP! Hey, is it possible to get Friedman involved in the 2012 presidential debates? Or send her to a Tea Bagging convention or something? Because seeing these two face off would be fantastic.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 20 Today, Rihanna celebrated her birthday. Her current boyfriend, Los Angeles Dodger Matt Kemp, got her a present. It was a lap dance from a little person who goes by the stripper name “Bridget the Midget.” That is all.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 21 Boner is missing! Boner is missing! In the biggest Olympic crisis since Wednesday’s simulated bronze-medal fellatio, Andrew Koenig—the actor best known for his insightful portrayal of Richard “Boner” Stabone on Growing Pains—is missing, having last been seen in Vancouver, British Columbia. According to his parents, Judy and Walter “Chekov” Koenig, Andrew was “not doing good” and was “suffering from depression.” So far, he has yet to turn up under the luge track, stowed away in the nose of a bobsled, or inside Al Roker’s puffy jacket—but the Olympics’ athletes, journalists, and fans have been keeping an eye out. Indeed, this evening in downtown Vancouver, one athlete seemed particularly excited about the search. “Yo, any of you ladies wanna help me look for a boner?” Scotty Lago shouted to a crowd of nubile coeds. “I gotta hunch one might be hidin’ right behind this medal here!”