MONDAY, APRIL 3 Springy love is in the air, and to celebrate, today’s Seattle
P-I offered a kissy-faced guide to Y2K weddings. Seems there’s something
of a crisis going on, with countless couples hoping for new-century/millennium
nuptials being turned away by overbooked dressmakers, caterers, and wedding venues.
One proposed theory for the crunch: the zero factor (i.e. the ease of calculating
your anniversaries when your wedding year ends in “00”). Straight folks’ negligible
math skills aside, the P-I‘s wedding spread was spiced up by the presence
of a piece on same- sex ceremonies, written by the far-more-interesting-than-she’s-ever-allowed-to-be-in-the-
P-I D. Parvaz. From the joy of being married by your therapist (sure to
become the lesbian commitment ceremony norm) to the klutziness of having to ask
for two grooms on your cake, Parvaz’s piece chronicled the ups and downs of being
a hetero-aping homo couple — and brought to mind some issues that have been festering
in Last Days’ cluttered skull for the past few weeks. In the wake of the shameful
beating that “gay marriage” recently took on the California ballot, intelligent
hothead writer Eric Rofes has called for the boycotting of wedding ceremonies
by all justice-loving Americans. Rofes suggests that until all citizens are subject
to the privileges of matrimony, attending or engaging in a heterosexual-only wedding
is no different than frequenting a restaurant or club that explicitly forbids
blacks or Jews. In our own passive-aggressive way, Last Days agrees with Rofes,
and thinks much ugliness could be avoided if both sides of this heated issue modified
their positions a tad. Queers: Stop using the word marriage, which makes boneheaded
straights breathe territorial fire and is a fucked-up institution we should want
nothing to do with; stick with “domestic partnership rights.” Straights: Discern
the difference between the religious institution of marriage and the secular rights
that should belong to all taxpaying Americans, and vote accordingly.
TUESDAY, APRIL 4 Today some very bad luck came to some very
good people as the Vashon Island home of celebrated local performers Kevin
Kent and Mik Kuhlman was almost entirely destroyed by fire.
(For those of you who live under rocks, Kevin Kent is the frighteningly talented
improv performer best known for his Re-bar shows as Sister Windy and his year-long
stint as the wildly metamorphosing hostess Cookie in Teatro ZinZanni.
Mik Kuhlman is the beloved star of the Seattle Mime Theater and longtime mainstay
of Seattle’s fringe performance scene.) Fortunately, neither Kent nor Kuhlman
were home during the blaze, which is believed to have been started by a faulty
heater; unfortunately, at least one of the pair’s cats died of asphyxiation,
and nearly everything in the house was destroyed. Keep your eyes peeled for
upcoming benefits for the Kent and Kuhlman fire fund (including a smashing Re-bar
cabaret on May 1 and 2). In the meantime, if any of you who have been moved
by the artistry of Mik or Kevin over the years (particularly all you zillionaire,
Teatro ZinZanni-loving Eastsiders) want to throw some dough at the beleaguered
pair, send it to Last Days at 1535 11th Ave, Thir d Floor, Seattle, WA 98122,
and we’ll make sure it gets to ’em.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 5 Speaking of talented folks and fire: Late this evening
came a brand-new Stranger, featuring a flamingly brilliant audition
call for the upcoming, first annual, city-wide talent show! Curated
and hosted by Last Days’ dimmer-witted alter ego David Schmader, the
show — to take place on May 11 at Consolidated Works — will feature celebrity
judges, fabulous prizes, and a special guest appearance by that one-woman
talent show, Miss Dina Martina. But more than anything, the show will
feature talent, talent, talent — and that’s where you come in.
We’re looking for the very best talent this town has to offer — from earnest
amateurs to polished professionals, from little children to big fat adults,
from unplugged rock bands and electrifying pet tricks to stand-up comedians
and six-year-old blues singers. (Confidential to Pearl Jam: Yes, you
are eligible for competition. And yes, you should give Last Days a call so we
can talk you into it.) Auditions are Saturday and Sunday, April 22 and 23. To
schedule an audition or receive further information, please call 323-7101 ext.
3099.
THURSDAY, APRIL 6 Oh, for God’s sake: Today at an indoor track
event attended by over 500 students in Hugo, Oklahoma, the mother of
a teenage girl involved in an argument fired a pistol at the mother of
the other girl in the dispute, wounding a bystander who was running for cover.
Reuters reports that Sonya Bostic, 33, fired one shot at Ruthie Pearl,
35, to resolve their daughters’ conflict (and in frighteningly close proximity
to a gaggle of second-graders). No word yet on what the women’s daughters were
fighting about, but local police report that the Bostic and Pearl families had
a two-year history of antagonism, and that the gun-toting mama Bostic has been
jailed. On a slightly “up” note, the innocent bystander at the event was shot
in the butt, which, despite the victim’s pain and suffering, is always kind
of funny.
FRIDAY, APRIL 7 Following yesterday’s tale of gun-toting parents, here’s
another story of grownups co-opting kiddie culture. Today Reuters reported
the case of an elderly German woman who — obviously inspired by the
rash of American children hanging out with their dead parents — lived for four
months with the body of her deceased, decaying husband. Munich police report
that the 76-year-old man apparently died of natural causes sometime in December;
he was discovered after his sister contacted authorities following months of
his wife’s insisting that he “didn’t want any visitors.”
SATURDAY, APRIL 8 Finally, something for this town of chronic low self-esteem
to be proud of: Today the Seattle P-I reported on the five Art Institute
of Seattle students who recently won the 1999 Best of Show award in a national
student design competition, for their creation of a high-tech, futuristic
wheelchair. Conceived after interviewing a collection of wheelchair users,
the students’ space-age booty-scooter features a single, gyroscopic wheel, a
lift mechanism to enable the user to elevate to eye-level, and sufficient flexibility
to let the user change positions, avoiding pressure-point sores and stiffness.
Yay, Seattle design kids!
SUNDAY, APRIL 9 The week closes with the thrilling tale of Turkey’s
crybaby oil wrestlers. Today Reuters reported on the battle between the
championship oil wrestlers of Turkey and the Turkish homosexual social group
planning to attend the 639th Turkish oil-wrestling championships in July. Some
history: The sport of oil wrestling dates back to the Middle Ages, and features
swarthy, leather-pantsed men slathered in olive oil trying to pin each other
to the ground, often maneuvering their hands down opponents’ trousers in the
process. Despite — or perhaps because of — the stark homoeroticism of the
sport, the championship participants are seeking to ban the gay group from attending
the competition. “It’s immoral,” said Turkey’s Traditional Sports Federation
Chairman Alper Yazoglu, who has vowed to do everything possible to “have this
disgusting business stopped.” Puh-leeze. As if looks could rape.
Hot Tip for snooty music hipsters: Pay attention to Fiona Apple, who is
so much closer to goddess PJ than to goofball Tori. Hot Tips for me: E-mail
lastdays@thestranger.com or phone
the 24-hour Hot Tips Hotline at 323-7101 ext. 3113.
