Last Days

David Schmader is out this week. In his absence, we’re thrilled to present the return of Last Days’ starry-eyed sister, Ann Romano. Enjoy!

MONDAY, AUGUST 9 Dears! Not only was it one of the most creative “I quits” of all time—it was the gayest, as well! Today, JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater flamed his way into the history books after getting into an altercation with a female passenger. After repeatedly refusing to follow instructions, the woman bonked Slater on the head with her suitcase and/or the overhead bin, leading to the most hilarious loudspeaker resignation in aviation history. “To the fucking asshole who told me to fuck off, it’s been a good 28 years,” Slater railed. “I’ve had it. That’s it.” Now, one would think this story couldn’t get any better… but it does. Ohhhh, it does! After delivering his intercom fuck-all-ya’ll, Slater stole two beers from the cabin, activated the inflatable emergency slide, tossed his carry-ons out the door, and WHOOOOSHED his way into the unemployment line. Now, one would think this story couldn’t get any better… but it does. Ohhhh, it does! When police eventually arrived at Slater’s residence to arrest him for reckless endangerment and criminal mischief, they found him mid-coitus… with his boyfriend… and happily bragging about his adventures! Now, one would think this story couldn’t get any better… but it does. Ohhhh, it does! Because while Slater faces a possible seven-year jail sentence, he may also get his own reality show—which he’ll probably quit by screaming, “Fuck you, whore!!” to the caterer who serves him an extra-mayonnaise-y chicken-salad sandwich while flipping off the entire crew and flying away in a flaming pink weather balloon. (We would watch this show every week.)

TUESDAY, AUGUST 10 Yay! American Idol gossip! As you’ve undoubtedly heard, J.Lo was a shoo-in to become one of the new Idol judges—that is until she was deeply insulted by Ryan Seacrest, grabbed his mic and made the following announcement: “To the fucking asshole who told me to fuck off, it’s been a good 20 years. I’ve had it. That’s it.” Okay, fine. She didn’t say that. But she should’ve. The real story is that—as usual—J.Lo was just too demanding, and Fox didn’t think she was worth the trouble. Snore! MEANWHILE… Former American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino is in stable condition following an alleged suicide attempt, in which she overdosed on sleeping medications. She also made this announcement: “To the fucking asshole who told me to fuck off, it’s been a good 26 years. I’ve had it. That’s it.” Okay, whatever, fine… so in truth, she allegedly attempted suicide after being accused of starring in a sex tape with a married man and destroying his marriage. Snore!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 11 Let’s check in on Lindsay! After serving a mere 13 (though originally sentenced to 90) days in the slammer, last week the troubled Ms. Lohan started her 90 days of court-ordered rehab at the incredibly sexy sounding UCLA Neuropsychiatric Hospital. Today, according to TMZ, doctors discovered that Lindsay’s psychiatric and drug-dependency issues “are not nearly as severe as first thought”—TOLD YA!—and she will probably be released early… possibly as soon as next week! Lilo’s attorney Shawn Chapman Holley was giddy-fied by the news, gushing to RadarOnline, “My client is looking forward to returning to work on her many creative endeavors.” Her first “creative endeavor”? Turn that SCRAM ankle bracelet into a flask! MEANWHILE… The horrible, simply awful Judge Marsha Revel—who unfairly sentenced Lindsay to jail and rehab—has removed herself from the case. As it turns out, the judge is guilty of judicial shenanigans—TOLD YA!—which include holding hearings and conference calls without the DA’s knowledge, and who cares, that’s boring. The real story is that her replacement is none other than celebrity judge Elden Fox! EEEEEEEEEEE!!! You know… Elden Fox! Presided over one of Courtney Love‘s drug possession cases? And Winona Ryder‘s shoplifting trial? Anyway, the result is this: Next Friday expect to see an underpantsless Lindsay stumbling out of the Chateau Marmont, swinging an empty bottle of Grey Goose, and slapping Samantha Ronson in the face while cocaine squirts out of her shoes.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 12 In the greatest news we’ve heard all week, after 34 interminable years, cartoonist Cathy Guisewite is finally retiring Cathy—the most terrible comic strip ever to see newsprint… and yes, we’re including Funky Winkerbean. For inflicting on us three painful decades of sexist stereotypes, lame jokes, and countless “ACKS!” we happily bid Cathy an enthusiastic “Fuck off.” Reached for response, Ms. Guisewite made the following announcement: “To the fucking asshole who told me to fuck off, it’s been a good 34 years. I’ve had it. That’s it.” After her impromptu speech, Guisewite hopped into some sweatpants, stole 14 cartons of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey, and ate herself into a diabetic coma. Ack.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 13 Nothing happened today.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 14 Rule number one of modern society: AVOID JUGGALOS. That imperative was forgotten this weekend by annoying reality TV star/singer Tila Tequila, who decided to perform at the Gathering of the Juggalos in rural Illinois. “I went onstage and immediately, before I even got onstage, DUDES were throwing HUGE STONE ROCKS in my face, beer bottles that slit my eye open, almost burnt my hair… ’cause they threw firecrackers onstage, and they even took shit out of the port-o-potty and threw shit and piss at me,” Tequila explained to TMZ. Tequila tried to use the resources at her disposal to calm the inbred horde, to no avail: “She took her top off and [the Juggalos] got really violent,” a witness stated to CNN. “Tequila eventually escaped, but only after windows in her SUV were smashed.” First, no one—not even a former reality TV star singing for Juggalos—deserves to be treated this way. Second: C’mon, people! AVOID JUGGALOS. (Kelly O, I don’t know how you survived—see page 22.) MEANWHILE… Rule number two of modern society: AVOID NERDS. Another female D-lister, former America’s Next Top Model star Adrianne Curry, attended this weekend’s Star Wars convention dressed in a Princess Leia bikini—and (SURPRISE!) was promptly groped by a sex-starved geek. First, no one—not even a former reality TV star dressed in a Princess Leia bikini—deserves to be treated this way. Second: Seriously, people! AVOID NERDS. And Juggalos. And Juggalo nerds, because those guys are the worst.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 15 This weekend, everyone’s favorite Jew-hatin’ abusive drunk, Mel Gibson, crashed his 2008 Maserati on Malibu Canyon Road—leading many to assume Mel was (*hic*) drunk at the wheel. Not so, say the cops. So what caused him to crash? WELL, WELL, WELL… We’re not ones to cast unfounded aspersions (okay, we totes are), but this seems like quite the coincidence: “Key witness in Mel Gibson assault case dies,” says RadarOnline! This weekend, a nanny who once worked for Gibson—and witnessed several of Gibson’s outbursts—succumbed to cancer. Hmm. So. A nanny—one who could’ve testified against Mel and whom Mel was once recorded calling a “wetback”—dies, supposedly from cancer, as a panicked Mel, hurriedly driving—perhaps away from the scene?—crashes his car? We declare it… MURDER! (Wow, we’re just like Angela Lansbury of Murder, She Wrote! If Angie occasionally wore a thong.)

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