MONDAY, JANUARY 1 The week began oddly for Last Days, as we lurched up
from our oh-too-brief, post-New Year’s-party slumber to find–like countless other
revelers around the world–that our eyeballs were still alarmingly dilated.
We doubt, however, that many of these hungover merrymakers could also claim
an impending date with a hunky officer of the mysterious “fraternal order,” the
Knights of Columbus. Scant moments after waking, we managed to drag our
carcass to the K. of C. Hall on Capitol Hill to party with a bunch of these kooky
“Catholic Masons.” Though we spied no secret handshakes or peculiar headdresses
per se, the entire afternoon nonetheless seemed pickled in musty occultism and
potent alcohol.
··Also today: Reuters reported that festivities at a Dutch club packed with teenagers turned tragic as a fire swept through the building, killing nine people and injuring approximately 130 others. “A lot of young people these days wear clothing that is very dangerous–plastic and synthetic materials,” claimed the governor of the tiny tourist town. It remains to be seen whether this calamity will convince club kids around the world to craft their slutty fetish wear from flame-retardant fibers.
··And lastly: Today the Associated Press reported that when a crowd of more than 1,500 kids in Portland, Oregon discovered that the city had neglected to plan celebratory fireworks (that time-honored social safety valve), they improvised explosive festivities of their own by hitting police with bottles and smashing store windows. Though Last Days supports spontaneous expressions of civic concern, looting liquor stores may not be an effective way to impact future public planning.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 2 But enough about boring old New Year’s–onto Eid al-Adha, the Muslim feast of sacrifice! Today BBC News reported that an unfortunate
Egyptian man, Waheeb Hamoudah, was pushed off a three-story roof to his
death by a goat he was raising for sacrificial slaughter. Boo
for the man, yay for the goat.
··Also today: More animal vengeance! Today Reuters reported a grisly tale of a wild elephant in northeast India that has refused for two weeks to relinquish a corpse. The psychotic pachyderm ripped the corpse (who was at the time a living, breathing man) from the limbs of a tree, into which the terrified fellow had clambered to escape. The Deathly Dumbo then fatally trampled its victim, and absconded with the gruesome trophy.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3 Welcome to Star Fucker Corner! What a scene
at the Sunset. In our nightly search for numbing libations, tonight Last
Days unknowingly stumbled onto an entire colony of famous rockers, including
ex-Soundgardeners Ben Shepherd and Kim Thayil, and Ty Willman from Green Apple Quick Step, all of whom had gathered to hear screechy, noodly-noodly
jazz by local notables. Also on hand was Matt the Tube, previously
featured in the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow, now authorized to dispense Class 4
narcotics as a Bartell pharmacist. Recognizing the Tube from a baby shower we
both attended, Last Days struck up a conversation. Within moments, the superstar
regurgitator confessed that Last Days reminded him of his “alcoholic, psychotic,
abusive ex-girlfriend.” Before we had time to recover, he admitted that
he suffered her attentions because of her “overwhelming sexual charisma,” which,
according to him, Last Days also has in spades. Last Days was so stunned by
this “compliment” that we neglected to tell the Tube that he reminds us of a
dog we used to have who licked antifreeze off the driveway. We mean that in
the nicest way.
··Also today: the Associated Press revealed that stickers placed
on city vehicles in Traverse City, Michigan to support diversity will be
removed because the emblem “promotes homosexuality.” Initially conceived
as a response to a series of hate crimes in the community, the 10,000
stickers of a rainbow overlaid with human figures have been plastered
onto police cars, fire trucks, and snowplows since their introduction
on December 19. After being deluged with furious letters and e-mail messages
that revealed the true nature of this powerful, secret image, Mayor Larry
Hardy said, “I was stupid not to know what the symbol stood for.” We agree.
Hardy is stupid.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 4 In other, less stupid gay news: Today MTV announced that for the first time in the channel’s 20-year history, it will shut down its airwaves to kick off its “Fight for Your Rights: Take a
Stand Against Discrimination” public service campaign. Foregoing the usual
thong-only game shows, on January 10 the station will premiere its original
movie Anatomy of a Hate Crime, about the murder of college
student Matthew Shepard. Then, for the next 17 hours, MTV will
scroll continuously, without commercial interruptions, a list of the names of
hate crime victims. Last Days must confess that we are impressed by the
station’s attempt to correct some of the damage done by its homophobic, heavy-rotation,
hate-crimes poster boy Eminem.
··Also today: In usually bucolic Ballard, Last Days watched
a whole slew of hunky firemen hose down a burning car with a substance
that looked remarkably like non-dairy dessert topping. A mustachioed,
rubber-booted public servant with twinkly blue eyes told us, “We used to make
it out of fish byproducts, but now I don’t know what it is. It’s supposed to
be environmentally friendly, but I certainly wouldn’t let my dog drink it.”
FRIDAY, JANUARY 5 Today Reuters reported that Flavio dos Santos Cruz, a 23-year-old convicted rapist serving time in a Brazilian prison, enacted
a grisly little bit of Old Testament justice by slicing off his own penis
and flushing it down the toilet. The urologist who operated on Cruz (who
now must urinate through a tube) asserts that since the knife-wielding
rapist did not cut off his testicles, he could still ejaculate and even
impregnate someone with “medical assistance.” Last Days will happily
forward all inquiries from romantic readers interested in becoming pen pals
with this dreamy, dickless potential sperm donor.
··Also today: The Associated Press reported that Tanya Humbert and Kimberly Holsapple, two pot-addled school bus drivers in Albany, NY, have been charged with endangering the welfare of a child by purchasing the urine of a five-year-old kindergartner for $5, in order to pass their upcoming drug tests. Too bad they picked a little tattletale to pee in their plastic cup, and too bad the buses are equipped with video and audio tape systems. But other than these teensy-weensy details, Last Days concurs–it could have worked!
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6 Last Days assumes that something happened today,
but we can’t be sure, as we were trapped in the windowless compound of Consolidated
Works, where we participated in 14/48, the world’s shortest
theater festival. Happily, the show kicked ass, and the party afterward was
a drunken carnival of pizza, sloppy kisses, bummed cigarettes, and mutual
admiration that raged way into the wee hours of the night.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7 And on the seventh day, Last Days rested.
HEY LOVEBIRDS: Now’s the time to spill your guts to your loved one with
a (free!) Stranger Valentine. Fill out your valentine either online (www.thestranger.com)
or send via e-mail to love@thestranger.com.
Please keep ’em short ‘n’ sweet (under 50 words), and please don’t use your
beloved’s last name. Get ’em in by Jan 25, and we’ll do our best to run every
last one of ’em! Oh, l’amour!
Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.