Last Days

MONDAY, AUGUST 25 This week of historic speeches, assaulted monks,
and iffy strangers from Alaska kicks off today in Denver, where
hordes of politicians, delegates, and media types gathered for day one
of the Democratic National Convention. Today’s highlight: a
thrilling, viability-securing speech by would-be first-lady Michelle
Obama. Today’s nadir: the hubbub surrounding the three men
suspected of plotting to assassinate Barack Obama. Nadiric
details come from the Associated Press, which reports the hubbub
started yesterday when police in Aurora, Colorado, pulled over a rented
pickup truck being driven “in an erratic manner.” Cops found
28-year-old Tharin Gartrell with two high-powered rifles (one with a
scope), camouflage clothing, walkie-talkies, wigs, a bulletproof
vest, and 4.4 grams of methamphetamine. Found soon after were
Gartrell’s associates, 32-year-old Nathan Johnson and 33-year-old Shawn
Adolf, who joined Gartrell in the Aurora jail on drug and weapons
charges. As for the would-be assassination plot: According to law
enforcement officials, one of the suspects told authorities they were
planning “to shoot Obama from a high vantage point.” (“Blacks don’t
belong in political office,” said Johnson in a jailhouse interview with
CBS-4. “He ought to be shot.”) But according to the Secret Service,
FBI, ATF, and the joint terrorism task force—all of which
investigated the alleged plot—the racist ramblings of gun-toting
tweakers don’t constitute a “credible threat to the candidate, the DNC,
or the people of Colorado.” “The alleged threats, hateful and bigoted
though they were, involved a group of… methamphetamine abusers,” said
U.S. Attorney Troy Eid. “The evidence involving the alleged threats
does not warrant federal charges now.”

•• In better news (spoiler alert!): Barack Obama will
emerge from the DNC alive and well and unharmed by psychotic
meth-heads.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 26 Nothing happened today, unless you count
Hillary Rodham Clinton‘s speech to the DNC, an impressive bit of
politicking in which she threw her support behind Barack Obama while
simultaneously confirming her potential as a brilliant presidential
candidate. RIP HRC (and if you’re gonna try again get a
D-I-V-O-R-C-E.)

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27 The week continues in northern Italy, where
police are hunting three men responsible for a brutal attack on
Franciscan monks. Details come from the Catholic News Agency, which
reports 48-year-old Father Sergio Baldin and three elderly monks were
having their evening meal at the San Colombano Belmonte monastery when
they were attacked by three hooded men, who gagged and bound the
four monks then punched, kicked, and beat them with clubs. In addition
to suffering severe head injuries, Father Baldin choked on his food
during the assault, causing “severe respiratory problems.” The other
three monks were hospitalized with less serious injuries. Decrying the
assault as “beyond comprehension,” the Archbishop of Turin said the
only possible explanation involved the assailants being “either drugged
or possessed or both.” A police spokesman cited a less dramatic motive:
“Presumably the attackers thought they would find riches at the
monastery.” The monk-basher manhunt continues.

•• Today also brought an end to a glorious American life,
as Del Martin—a founder and key architect of both the
lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender movement and the
feminist movement—died in San Francisco at age 87. Through
her nearly nine decades on earth, Martin racked up several lifetimes’
worth of accomplishments, including but not limited to founding the
U.S.’s first lesbian-rights organization the Daughters of
Bilitis in 1955, fighting to modify California laws that
criminalized homosexual behavior in 1964, leading the campaign to get
the American Psychiatric Association to declare that homosexuality is
not a mental illness in 1973, and galvanizing the movement against
domestic violence with the publication of her book Battered
Wives in 1976. In addition to being a fighter, the
lesbian-feminist-author-activist Del Martin was a wise and fearless
critic, with her multihyphenate humanism driving her to condemn both
sexism in the gay-rights movement and homophobia in the women’s
movement. As Equality California writes, “[Del Martin’s] last public
political act, on June 16, 2008, was to marry Phyllis Lyon, her partner
of 55 years. They were the first couple to wed in San Francisco after
the California Supreme Court recognized that marriage for same-sex
couples is a fundamental right in a case brought by plaintiffs
including Martin and Lyon… Gifts in lieu of flowers can be made to
honor Del’s life and commitment and to defeat the California marriage
ban through www.nclrights.org/NoOn8.”

THURSDAY, AUGUST 28 The week continues with an amazing day of
Democrats in action, as the 2008 DNC galloped into its final stretch.
Preliminary fireworks were provided by Hillary Clinton, the
world-class politician knocked off the top of the Democratic ticket by
unlucky timing and bad taste in men, who had started the previous day
by officially releasing her delegates then cutting short the roll-call
vote to endorse Barack Obama’s candidacy by acclamation. On this night,
Obama rose to the momentous occasion, accepting the nomination with a
perfectly fine speech that summed up the world-historic moment most
fittingly: Not only were we watching the first African-American
Democratic nominee for the American presidency, we were watching a
candidate who could very well win. “America, we are better than
these last eight years,” said Obama from the tricked-out stage at
Denver’s Invesco Field. “We are here because we love this country too
much to let the next four years look just like the last eight
years.”

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29 Speaking of political rites of passage, today
John McCain turned a whopping 72 years old. For a
present, McCain picked himself a sexy, sassy,
scripture-reading
running mate: Sarah Palin, the 44-year-old novice governor of
Alaska who, to cite just one of her seemingly unvetted contradictions,
is a die-hard advocate of abstinence education blessed with an
unmarried and pregnant 17-year-old daughter. By the time you read this,
McCain may have dropped Sarah Palin like a handful of Geritol. If not,
stay tuned for more (and more) trashy Palin-flavored delights.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 30 Speaking of trashy delights: Today we travel to
a Denny’s restaurant in Modesto, California, where last night a
hopped-up cokehead tried to cut off his arm. Details come
from the Associated Press, which identifies the arm-attacker as
33-year-old Michael Lasiter, who reportedly rushed into a
Modesto Denny’s, grabbed a butter knife, and started stabbing it into
his right arm. Lasiter then proceeded to the kitchen, where he
continued the amateur amputation with a butcher knife. After being
subdued with a Taser and hospitalized with severe cuts, Lasiter told
investigators that he believed he’d injected air into one of his veins
while shooting cocaine and thought he would die if the arm wasn’t
immediately removed.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 31 Speaking of dangerous injections of air: The week
ends with Hurricane Gustav, whose stormy approach sent nearly
two million people fleeing from coastal Louisiana this weekend.
Tomorrow, a weakened Gustav will come ashore as a Category 2 hurricane,
boasting 110 mile per hour winds but wreaking nowhere near the havoc of
Katrina.

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