MONDAY, APRIL 9 This week began with the bang and accordion crunch of yuppie bumpers when the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety released its five-mile-an-hour crash test conclusions for “rugged” trucks and sport utility vehicles. “The performance… ranged from poor to awful,” said Adrian Lund, the institute’s chief operating officer. “Manufacturers tell potential buyers they can drive these pickups and SUVs anywhere adventure leads them. But consumers can expect big repair bills if they’re unlucky enough to bump their so-called rugged vehicles into something.”

··Also today, drivers in picturesque Pennsylvania may find adventure leading them smack into a horse and buggy, according to the Associated Press. Ten members of the tiny Swartzentruber Amish community have been cited for their refusal to use a bright orange triangle (required on slow-moving vehicles) because the triangles violate their belief in plain personal belongings. All say they would rather go to jail than pay a $100 fine or perform community service. “Doing community service would probably require us to ride in a truck or work with electrical tools,” said Levi Zook. State Senator John D. Wozniak said last week that he would introduce a bill to allow the Swartzentrubers to use the reflective tape they prefer. Wozniak said, “If we can find something that’s equally effective, why not let them use it?“

TUESDAY, APRIL 10 It comes as no surprise to Last Days that, according
to the National Insurance Crime Bureau’s analysis of FBI figures reported
in today’s Seattle Post-Intelligencer, Seattle and Tacoma are ranked
as the eighth and fifth (respectively) most likely cities to get your car ripped
off in. So statistically speaking, it’s a better idea to park in Las Vegas and catch a flight back home than to park your rig in Tacoma.

·· Also today: A homeless girl attending Evergreen High School in Vancouver, Washington, is definitely troubled but certainly no teen, according to the Associated Press. Police say that the girl whom students and teachers knew as Brianna Stewart is actually 31-year-old Treva Throneberry. Currently held in the Clark County Jail on charges of first-degree theft, second-degree theft, and perjury, she will soon be facing even more brain-bending legal problems from a Camas man who was convicted of having sex with a minor after an encounter with her in 1997. Authorities say that she was actually 28 at the time. “She’s just going cross-country and using different names and receiving welfare,” her father, Carl Throneberry, told reporters. “She talks a pretty good line, they tell me.”

·· Also today, schoolchildren visiting the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, Nebraska, got a horrifying lesson in courtship when a faulty gate and human error released an Indochinese male tiger into an outdoor cage with a female Bengal tiger. The male tore the female to pieces quicker than you could say, “New Beanie Babies in the gift shop!”

·· Also today, the trepanation fad sweeps the nation! Two men pleaded guilty to practicing medicine without a license after drilling holes in a woman’s skull in a procedure intended to restore her “childhood buoyancy,” the Associated Press reported. New Age quacks Peter Halvorson (who bore a hole in his own head 29 years ago with a power drill), 54, and William Lyons, 56, were placed on probation, fined $500, and ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation for their operation, which was broadcast by ABC’s 20/20. The now (supposedly) buoyant woman’s head healed without incident. Halvorson said the case “helped publicize” the procedure. We are oddly comforted by watching this spectacle of Darwin’s theory of natural selection at work.

·· Also today, Reuters reported the discovery of a long-suspected slave graveyard at Monticello, the Virginia plantation that belonged to Thomas Jefferson, unrepentant owner of human beings. Curiously, maps that Jefferson drew of his plantation did not include any references to slave cemeteries on his grounds. Thomas Jefferson Foundation historian Dianne Swann-Wright said, “There are lots of things that Jefferson did not list, probably because they were not significant to him.” Historians estimate that up to 114 slaves died at Monticello during Jefferson’s lifetime.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11 Slavery’s lingering legacy was stamped on each
rubber bullet used to disperse furious protesters as they rampaged through
Cincinnati streets in response to the fatal shooting of Timothy Thomas,
an unarmed, 19-year-old black man; Thomas was shot by Steven Roach, a
26-year-old white policeman on April 7. Forty people were arrested in the riots
and at least 25 required hospitalization. Roach, a four-year Cincinnati police
veteran, spotted Thomas, who was wanted on 14 misdemeanor warrants, and cornered
him in a dark alley. According to news reports, Thomas was shot in the chest
at short range after Roach thought he saw the youth reach for a weapon.
Thomas was the 15th young black man to be shot to death by Cincinnati
police since 1995.

THURSDAY, APRIL 12 A Louisiana woman who claimed that her former
husband conspired to have her… uh… circumcised without her knowledge
almost 30 years ago was awarded $35,000, Reuters reported yesterday. Mary
Ann Turner claimed she did not learn about the 1972 operation, which was
done during other routine surgery, until 1988, when another doctor who was present
during her previous operation told her about it. Her former husband, anesthesiologist
Dr. Alan Ostrowe, claimed she had agreed to the “circumcision”–which
entailed removing the skin covering her clitoris (YIKES!)–to overcome
problems she was having with intercourse after the birth of their third child.
Last Days hopes that this poor lady takes her settlement and pops into Babes
in Toyland for a nice shopping spree.

··Also today, at exactly 8:20 this morning, the Seattle Police Department
called to inform us that our beloved Toyota van had been recovered. Readers
might remember that two Thursdays ago, at exactly 8:20 a.m., Last Days first
discovered it stolen. Coincidence? We think not. Freakin’ miracle? We
think so.

FRIDAY, APRIL 13 Something happened today, but we’re not sure what
exactly.

SATURDAY, APRIL 14 Today Last Days received the most repulsive Hot
Tip ever from Brendan, who heard it from his friend Adam. “Just before the earthquake,
Adam was in a bus at Third and Union, and he had a long layover stop. He got
out to stretch his legs, and to his horror discovered a woman squatting on
top of the water fountain, uh… well, I guess you could say she was giving
herself an impromptu douche. As if that wasn’t bad enough, an onlooker
found this spectacle arousing, and vigorously attempted to excite himself,
scrubbing at the front of his pants. Adam said that the only thing that
kept him from passing out from shock was the piercing shrieks from a
gaggle of teenage girls: ‘Oooh, she got the fire! Some man done give her
the fire!’ Needless to say, neither I nor Adam will ever use a public water
fountain again.” Neither will we, Brendan. Neither will we.

SUNDAY, APRIL 15 Somewhere out there a little girl is very excited
about her pretty dress and fancy hat. She is also very excited about
finding and consuming chocolate eggs hidden in the yard. It will be many
years before she realizes that all this was to commemorate a Jewish zombie who
could fly.