Last Days

MONDAY, MAY 30 Hello. The week kicks off with Memorial Day, the national holiday founded as a day of remembrance for lives lost in the Civil War, shifted in the early 20th century to a commemoration of all US war dead, and since morphed into a secular summer kickoff celebrated with hangovers and mattress sales. The day’s mixed messages were well represented in Washington, DC, where President Barack Obama led Memorial Day observances at the Arlington National Cemetery. Meanwhile, outside the gates, two groups of titanic assholes grappled in a battle royale. In this corner: Westboro Baptist Church, the fag-bashing, funeral-picketing Christian failures led by the near-dead Fred Phelps. In the other corner: the Ku Klux Klan, the hood-wearing honkies whose brain-warped racism masquerades as concern for the purity of the white race. At issue: the KKK’s disapproval of Westboro’s protests outside military funerals, where the Phelps phreaks wave their Day-Glo crazy hate posters blasting the fag-enabling US military and thanking God for dead soldiers. “It’s the soldier that fought and died and gave them that right to free speech,” said Dennis LaBonte, “Imperial Wizard” of Virginia’s Knights of the Southern Cross, to CNN. Confronted by the 10 counter-protesting Klansmen, Westboro representatives were unimpressed. “The Bible doesn’t say anywhere that it’s an abomination to be born of a certain gender or race,” said Abigail Phelps to CNN. “They have no moral authority on anything.” (Burned by a Phelps—kill yourselves, Klansmen.) Thank you, members of the US military.

TUESDAY, MAY 31 The week continues with a thrilling follow-up to last week’s story of the lady hauled off an Amtrak train by cops after loudly blabbing into her cell phone in one of the train’s “quiet cars” for 16 hours straight. This week’s cell-phone genius: Richard R. Vermalyea, the 32-year-old man arrested early this morning at a Delaware motel after other guests complained about his excessively loud phone conversations concerning his status as a fugitive from justice. “Deputies said guests heard a man yelling during a phone conversation that there was a warrant for his arrest and called police,” reports WBAL News. “[Vermalyea was] arrested and ordered held on two open warrants… One was for failure to appear in a theft case, and the other was for violation of probation.”

••Speaking of cell phones, today the World Health Organization announced its discovery of enough evidence to categorize personal cell phone use as “possibly carcinogenic to humans.” “The biggest problem we have is that we know most environmental factors take several decades of exposure before we really see the consequences,” said Dr. Keith Black to CNN, which identifies the risk of cell phone use as “like a very low-powered microwave oven,” presenting the same level of carcinogenic hazard as lead, engine exhaust, and chloroform. See page 72 for Dear Science’s take on the news.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 1 Today brings a possible answer to a long-standing question: Who is the pissiest attorney in Seattle? Details come from KING 5, which introduces us to Ronald Mattson, the 63-year-old attorney with an alleged passionate hatred of improperly parked cars. The stage for his alleged hatred: the Columbia Center parking garage in downtown Seattle, where Mattson is accused of keying cars parked outside the lines of their spaces and leaving hilariously bitchy notes under the keyed cars’ windshield wipers. “According to a probable cause document, the first incident happened March 9 when Susan Wassell, who is also an attorney, parked her car with the wheels over the lines designating her parking spot,” reports KING 5. “When she returned, she found a note stating ‘Take some parking lessons you idiot!’ She later discovered her car had been keyed.” Two days later, another attorney had a similar experience with her improperly parked station wagon, which she found with a scratch down its passenger side and a note reading “Where did you learn to park Dweeb!!” Which brings us to the great keyed-car sting of March 15, when Columbia Center security officers parked a “bait” car with its tires straddling two spots. Soon enough, a security camera reportedly caught Mattson approaching and seemingly keying the car. “After he left, a security officer inspected the car and determined it had, in fact, been keyed,” reports KING 5. “When confronted by police with all the evidence, Mattson allegedly admitted damaging the cars and leaving the notes. Detectives say he vowed to make amends to the victims.” With total damage to the three cars estimated at $6,000, Mattson has been charged with malicious mischief and faces up to 60 days in jail if convicted.

THURSDAY, JUNE 2 Speaking of car-based capers, the week continues in the University District, where early this morning a man crashed his Subaru into an apartment building, then gave a hilarious and potentially incriminating interview to KIRO 7 News. “We were drinking, we started fighting, I decided to dip out,” said the unnamed man to KIRO. “Driving drunk, smashed into the thing… there’s no one to blame there, it’s just, things happen.” After first appearing confused about the crashed car’s ownership—”I’m not sure whose car it is… what kind of Subaru?—I own a Subaru, maybe…”—the man eventually acknowledged the car as his. “My car… I’m kinda sad about the Subaru. That’s my baby.” No one was hurt, and police have forwarded the case to prosecutors.

FRIDAY, JUNE 3 Nothing happened today, unless you count the indictment of John Edwards (who stands charged with soliciting and spending more than $900,000 to keep his mistress and their baby out of the public eye during his 2008 presidential run), the death of Dr. Jack Kevorkian (the assisted-suicide pioneer who died today at age 83), and the flapping of Sarah Palin‘s dumb gums, as video hit the internet of the maybe-sorta presidential candidate trying and failing to describe the importance of Paul Revere: “He who warned, uh, the… the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh, by ringin’ those bells and, um, by makin’ sure that as he’s ridin’ his horse through town to send those warnin’ shots and bells that, uh, we were gonna be secure and we were gonna be free… and we were gonna be armed.” Exactly.

SATURDAY, JUNE 4 The week continues with a stunningly gorgeous day in Seattle, commemorated by Last Days by attending what we believe is called a “baseball game” at Safeco Field, where the national anthem was performed by a young Tacoma woman whose tasteful vocal pyrotechnics and lyric-retention skills put Christina Aguilera to shame, where numerous pasty-white people proudly doffed their shirts and turned pink before our eyes, and where the Seattle Mariners fell to the Tampa Bay Rays. Still, super fun, and belated apologies to the man sitting behind us, who was either confused or deeply annoyed by the reflexive laughter that met his sporadic shouts of “Way to go, Fister!”

SUNDAY, JUNE 5 The week ends with the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure, the humongous annual fundraiser for breast-cancer research and education, which drew over 15,000 Seattle participants and raised over $1.5 million. If you know more than three women, you know at least one person affected by breast cancer. Thanks to all of today’s 15,000-plus participants.

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