One of the enduring regrets of my tenure has been my inability to
inspire America’s law-enforcement agencies to prosecute this gang of
remorseless felons and brazen flappers. Even the interns at The
Stranger are nothing more than today’s truants learning, under
expert criminal tutelage, how to become tomorrow’s fugitives. Not that
I haven’t tried—even pleaded—for the authorities to bring
the hammer down on this illegal house of cards. As loyal readers will
recall, in the last year alone I have telephonically alerted the FBI,
DEA, INS, and NSA, as well as, on numerous occasions, sent missives by
facsimile to the SPD. I have kept copious notes, had my assistant make
digital daguerreotypes of suspicious activities, and secured
incriminating documents in my safe for use as evidence during what I
hope will be long and humiliating public trials. Apparently the general
lawlessness caused by the ascension of a Muslim-in-chief has left our
nation’s crime fighters stretched too thin to immediately respond to my
tips. Nevertheless, I would have hoped that these characters would at
least be on all the relevant watch lists as a result of my
warnings.
Not so. I see, from this week’s short feature, that PAUL CONSTANT
was able to walk right into a local penal institution without being
arrested on the spot. While there he seems to have had some sort of
dialogue with impressionable youth about “writing”—no doubt a
cover for teaching them a secret code that will allow them to
communicate purchase orders to Mexican drug lord “pen pals,” who will
then use these unfortunate children as drug mules or worse, all while
Mr. Constant takes an illegal cut of the illegal gross. Rest assured,
my evidence-collecting continues apace; I will be ready whenever the
authorities are.
Moving from crimes against society to crimes against clear thinking,
the week’s feature finds ELI SANDERS offering counsel to this state’s
Democrats on how to snatch the Eastside’s congressional seat out from
under the right-minded rump of my hunting partner Dave Reichert. That
Mr. Sanders, a girlishly enthusiastic cheerleader for that two-time
Democratic loser Darcy Burner, could have anything credible to say on
this matter is of course absurd—as is the idea that the good
Christians in those still-pastoral lands on the eastern shores of Lake
Washington would even want to turn their backs on “Diamond” Dave, who
before he was in Congress was a great sheriff and a good friend (and
who, if destiny hadn’t taken him away to D.C., would personally have
come right over and thrown every one of these blights on society into
the paddy wagon).
Searching for something in this issue that wasn’t legally
actionable, I turned to the news section, which usually at least
attempts to cover its criminal tracks. Alas, no rest for the
duty-bound: I have now made yet another call to the SPD, clipped a copy
of JONAH SPANGENTHAL-LEE’s incitement to violence against “religious
zealots” at the University District Farmers Market, and added this
unconscionable screed to the already-thick file in my safe marked “HATE
CRIMES.”
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