I am a 22-year-old college grad who has been living at home for the last year. My parents are divorced, so I’ve gone back and forth from one place to the other. The other day, I was using my father’s computer, and the history came up on the search engine. It turns out that while I am in the house, my father views pornography that involves incest fantasies. I felt quite disturbed by what I saw—it made me physically sick—and I’m wondering if I should continue to have a relationship with my father.
In a week, I start a new job in another country—so I can get away from him for a while and think about my options. What should I do? Should I tell him that I know about it and I’m not interested in having a relationship with him anymore? Do I tell my friends or family? Should I trust what my gut is telling me and pack up, jump in a cab, and never talk to him again?
Disturbed And Distressed
There are people who are turned on by incest scenarios—hypothetical dads seducing hypothetical daughters, fictional moms seducing fictional sons—who are nevertheless revolted by the idea of actual incest, i.e., nonhypothetical fuck sessions with their own nonfictional family members. Many of these incest fetishists have sent me letters over the years, DAD, wondering what’s wrong with them. Or wondering what’s right with what’s wrong with them, I should say, as they’re turned on by incest fantasies but not, as they’re invariably relieved to add, by incest realities. So what gives?
It’s the thrill of violating a taboo, not a child; it’s the power dynamics that have been eroticized, not the parental dynamics—but that’s for another column. You wrote, DAD, because you don’t know what to do about your dad.
Unless your father has given you reason to suspect that he actually wants to fuck you—unless finding your dad’s porn helped you to identify a pattern of inappropriate behaviors on your father’s part with but one possible interpretation (he actually wants to fuck you)—let’s give your father the benefit of the doubt, shall we? Let’s assume that one of the many letters I’ve received from incest fetishists was written by your dad.
I’m operating under an assumption: again, that your father has never done anything that made you feel unsafe. If your discovery had led you to connect a bunch of deeply creepy dots, DAD, that’s surely something you would’ve mentioned in your letter. Which is why I’m not just urging you to give your father the benefit of the doubt, however revolting his taste in porn might be, but also to take what you found out about him and stuff it down the memory hole.
Don’t say anything to your father, DAD, or to anyone else. You no longer have to live with your father—or use his computer—and I see no need to terminate your relationship with him, or to go nuclear on his reputation, over a deeply creepy kink that your father neither asked for nor has ever attempted to act on.
1. Thirty-year-old gay man here. I was briefly dating someone until he was a huge asshole to me. I have since not had any contact with him. However, I have been Facebook stalking him and obsessing over pictures of the guys I assume he’s dating now. Why am I having such a hard time getting over him? Our relationship was so brief! He’s a major asshole!
2. It may help you to know that I lost my virginity by being raped when I was 19. I started dating only last year, because I thought sex was scary and never wanted to feel like that again and/or make anyone else feel like that. (The guy who raped me went on to become a born-again Christian!) This guy is only the second person I’ve ever dated. Do you think that’s relevant?
3. I used to have stretched-out earlobes. When I took my plugs out, I did get “earlabia,” but only for a few days, and then they closed up and no one really noticed.
Normal Earlobes Now
1. I can’t know for sure! But it sounds like you might still have feelings for this guy! Just a hunch!
2. I’m sorry that your very first sexual experience was so traumatic, NEN, and indeed it strikes me as relevant. You were violated and powerless during your very first sexual experience and now, 10 years later, your relationship ended in a way that left you feeling violated and powerless. Stalking your ex on Facebook gives you a feeling of power over him, NEN, but that power is bogus, stalking him is making you miserable, and it’s pushing back the date that you’re finally over this guy. Knock it off.
3. You’ve given me hope for all the otherwise cute boys I see wandering around with stretched-out earlabia.
Hipster boys! Keep stretching your earlobes! I’m a hipster girl and stroking the silky texture of a nice stretched-out set of earlobes gets me insanely wet. And tongue-fucking a stretched piercing is enough to bring me most of the way to orgasm. If there are chicks with a kink for something, then surely there must be dudes who have a kink for it, too.
I stretched my own earlobes 20 years ago for mostly sexual reasons. I like the way it looks, but I did it primarily because I get off on having my ears fondled and licked. I figured that if someone licking the outside of my earlobe felt so good, imagine if someone could lick the inside of my earlobe! Now they can—and it’s bliss!
I’m not saying you have to change your mind, Dan, because YKIOBINMK—your kink is okay but it’s not my kink—but I was disappointed that you would come out so strongly against stretched-out earlobes. You’re always defending lesser kinks. Could it be that you were unaware of mine?
Yes, Ears Are Hot
I know enough about sex—and enough about kink—to know that if something exists, someone out there somewhere is perving on it. And if a particular something is made of human flesh and has a hole in the middle of it, someone out there somewhere is sticking fingers, tongues, dicks, or gerbils in it, making sex tapes while they do it, and then posting the video on the World Wide Interwebs for all to enjoy.
Somehow it didn’t occur to me that there were earlabia fetishists out there, so I appreciate—kindasorta—you taking the time to clue me in. While I may disapprove of silky, stretched-out sets of earlabia, YEAH, I will defend to the death your right to tongue them.
You’re going to catch hell for your earlobe observation, but I have to add this: I worked with a young man who decided that gauging his earlobes to the max was a sexy thing to do. When the look got old, he took the plugs out. Because of the size of the plugs, the holes in his ears would not close. He had to have them surgically cut and stitched, which made his ears look somewhat deformed. The cost was $800, and it wasn’t covered by insurance.
Just Saying
You’ve filled me with despair for all the otherwise cute boys I see wandering around with stretched-out earlabia.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
I can understand how the advice-seeker would be squicked out by her dad’s activities, but I hope she’ll reflect on the situation after leaving home, and will decide to leave well enough alone, but not cut her dad out of her life.
If she doesn’t want to learn about her father’s personal life, though, and she can’t stop herself from following up on weird things that pop up in the web browser, it’s time to leave the nest for good, and find a different place to live when she returns to the States.
Yeah, the economy sucks, it’s hard to get a job, blah blah blah, but where there’s a will, there’s a way–roommates, something to tide one over till a better job comes along, etc.
If you’re going to live with your folks as an adult, you’ve got to afford them as much privacy as you would want them to give you. If you can’t do that, it’s time to get your own place. Even if the job and first apartment aren’t very nice, the peace of mind and the experience of learning how to stand on your own two feet will be worth it. It’s possible that the advice-seeker is doing just that by going overseas, of course, and if so, I applaud her for it.
@49: You say to Have a heart for DAD–but she isn’t willing to try and ignore what she knows–from snooping on his computer–about his private sexual fantasies, which there’s no evidence to suggest he has ever forced upon her in any way at all. No, she is deciding whether she should cut him out of her life forever, tell all the family and friends what he masturbates to, and write him off as a would-be sexual predator, who would rape his own daughter (I’m assuming that her fear is that he would want to have sex with her and since it clearly wouldn’t be consensual . . .)
Shouldn’t she have a heart for her father? Or at least develop some amnesia?
@52, you don’t know what she’s willing to try. Again, that’s why she wrote to Dan. She’s freaked out — pardon her — and now that she has gotten such good advice, I hope she follows it.
I think DAD has just as much right to be freaked out as anyone else has to have sexual fantasies. As long as her freakout remains private, as long as she doesn’t act on it, why would you vilify her for it?
I get off on crucifixion porn with lots of slavery and rape. Does that mean I am likely to go out and kidnap one of my ex-girlfriends, enslave her, and then brutally snuff her over a period of weeks? Well, maybe that is a bad example because I really do fantasize about doing that.
However, there is no evidence DAD’s dad is getting off on actual sex with his, you know, actual daughter. Most “incest” porn is really old guy/younger girl porn which is about as universal as it gets in the porn/kink world. DAD does not seem to appreciate that (most) incest porn on the web (just like most crucifixion/NC/Snuff) involves ACTORS and does not actually involve fathers banging their real daughters.
The previous posters are correct but I would take it even further: DAD is really put off by visualizing her father as a sexual being with actual needs and is using her “discovery” to fuck her dad in real life. Get over it, forget what you saw, and STOP SNOOPING. Oh, and how about get the hell out of the house already.
Stretched out earlobes are gross. If you want something inside to be licked, why not mutilate and stretch out your clit (for gay guys try the glans). A big fat hole there would increase the surface area with the added benefit that at least the rest of us don’t have to look at it every day.
Finally, I have never heard of a 30 year old gay man who has only been in two relationships. He needs to find a gay-friendly therapist and unpack this non-consensual pack job that apparently led him into the gay world. I think Dan only included this letter because of the salacious and entirely irrelevant claim that his rapist became a ‘born again Christian.’
I can totally understand why DAD would be freaked out, she should probably just try and forget she ever saw it if possible. I found straight porn on my gf’s comp one time, and as far as I knew she was a lesbian so does that in turn mean she wants to fuck men?
Because, Drusilla, DAD isn’t talking about keeping her freakout private. Re-read her letter. She’s talking about outing her father to everyone she and he knows as an incest-loving perv, and her gut feeling is to never talk to him again. I don’t know how *you* define a private freakout, but this isn’t the same as hearing a rattle and jumping.
“It’s the thrill of violating a taboo, not a child.”
DS way out of his league with this smug and ill-informed assertion. He writes, “But that’s another column.” Yes, and another columnist. Or not a columnist at all, but a psychiatrist with a lot of clinical experience.
DS rarely errs in this way — failing to acknowledge his limitations. Always disappointing when he does.
DAD~
Unless there is something in your actual relationship to make you feel bad, this isn’t a catastrophe. Probably caught wind of My Stepdaddy Made Me #495.
True, it is kind of icky to find out TMI about the ‘rents. However, I’m sure you have your kinks and will likely be a parent in the future. They only get better with time!! 😉
Anyhoo, I’d say get a job, but as you live with the rents, you’re probably struggling. You do need to find $ to get your own computer/tablet then get a place of your own.
I also agree that you should drop a hint about the 20/20 episode that dealt with clearing your cache.
I can’t even guess what someone would think of me if they got a hold of my internet history.
**
I’m starting to gauge my ears. They don’t have to be huge.
in DAD, I think that the writer is actually the dad in the situation and is trying to find out if what he’s doing is right or wrong. HE SIGNED IT DAD!
And now he’s pretty much given the go ahead by Dan to continue. BAM!!!! THE WORLD IS FLIPPED BABY!! WEVE ALL BEEN DUPED!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
I have no problem with a pic of Dan at the top of the column, but… WHERE’S MY JOE NEWTON ILLUSTRATION?! 🙁
22 isn’t the same age for everybody. There are 22-year-olds who are very worldly and who’ve been around the block several times by then, and there are 22-year-olds who’ve been quite sheltered, who know very little about sexual fantasies and/or porn, even 22-year-olds who are still virgins.
Yes, all of us older folk know that incest porn is quite prevalent and that what a person likes in fantasy may have no relationship to what they like in reality. But all of this may be brand-new, unknown territory to a “young” 22-year-old.
I agree with Dan that the letter-writer needs NOT to out her father and needs to understand that her father can like incest porn without wanting to do anything incestuous in the real world. But geeze, give the kid the benefit of the doubt, okay? We’re not born knowing this stuff; we have to learn it somewhere along the line. Today in Dan’s column is when and where the letter writer is learning it. Before knowing the things that Dan has just taught her, I think it’s natural for the letter-writer to be freaked out and to think that indulging in the fantasy indicates a wish to indulge in the reality.
To DAD regarding your letter and comments from everyone else,
Stick with Dan’s advice and take the discovery at face value – your father is turned on by incest porn. This does not mean that he is turned on by you or would be interested in actual incest.
To everyone else who is accusing DAD of being out of line for her reaction (cutting off contact, spreading the word about her dad’s kink), calm down and cut her some slack. Incest porn is the kind of thing no one talks about or imagines anyone liking. After all, real incest is freaking illegal and often warrants sex offender status. DAD isn’t thinking of outing her dad just because he likes porn. She is freaking out because she is afraid her dad is only one step away from being a sex offender, potentially with HER as the victim. But again, unless this is one of many signs that her father actually fantasizes about her, she should just leave it as him having the unusual kink.
For me, the bottom line is that the creepy situation of finding your parent’s porn stash was made worse by the nature of the kinks. Outing his kinks to everyone would be out of line, but when the kind of porn they like would warrant sex offender registry if done in real life, we need to cut her some slack for freaking out.
her point about moving from house to house is that the incest site timestamps correspond to times WHEN SHE IS IN THE HOUSE. That is kind of creepy.
@65-great point. Somehow we all missed that. It is creepy-she just needs to stop staying with him.
Also the 30 yo guy really needs to get some therapy!
DAD, while I can fully understand why you might be squicked out by incest porn, you need to take a deep breath. Stop. Do NOT go running to mom or other friends about this.
Incest porn is super common, and very enjoyable by lots of older guys. It is a fantasy of many older guys to have sex with younger women. Most incest porn just capitalizes on this basic theme. We are all well aware of the fact that the actors in the porn are not actual fathers/daughters. It just adds a little taboo tease to the otherwise common older guy/younger woman meme.
You should NOT leap to the assumption that your dad actually wants to have actual sex with his actual children. At least, not based solely on the evidence of internet porn. If he’s doing other creepy behaviors too, then that’s a whole different story.
DAD reminds me of a funny story. When I was DAD’s age, porn came on videotapes, and people had cassette shelves where they kept their tapes. I was visiting a friend’s apartment, and while he was in the bathroom I started looking through his videos. Then, because I’m nosy, I looked at the other tapes on the bookcase shelf behind the videos. One was a series of vignettes in which straight men had gay sex under various levels of coercion (the photos included a man standing in front of his boss’ desk and drill sergeant and a private). I had a similar reaction to DAD’s. I asked him about it a couple weeks later, and he was embarassed, and assured me that it was just porn. Then he asked me why I didn’t ask him about it at the time. I said, “Oh sure, then you’d say ‘snooping is wrong. Now you have to make it up to me.'” He’s teased me with that last line ever since.
DAD, please keep in mind that your father’s fantasy might be to be the hypothetical daughter being seduced by the hypothetical dad. Regardless, base your relationship on how he treats you, not his fantasy life.
Also, stay off your father’s computer.
This shows that fathers with older kids really need to be aware of their computer expertize. Some years ago, my wife found some videos I had downloaded and made me delete them so the kids don’t ever find them. I thought I did. Years later, I swapped the hard drive for a larger capacity one and gave the old one to my son. He had special software that could find deleted files and threatened me about it. I told him mom already knows about the videos so go ahead and tell her. He went out of his way to find dirt on me and I still resent him for that.
Wen you are done with a hard drive, take that mucker out and scratch it with a nail real good. Bend it, break it if you can, pour acid on it.
@73: Need to arrange a little accident with Sonny-Boy’s computer. “Gosh, so sorry I stumbled and knocked your computer off the desk, seventeen times, until the hard drive I gave you made grinding noise and a burned smell.”
Then tell him that’s the last gift he can expect to receive from you, ever.
Just wanted to chime in on item one, in case DAD looks at the comments.
1. I have a major incest fetish and read incest sex stories all the time.
2. The thought of actual incest with my dad really makes me ill.
3. Go figure.
4. Let it go and stop snooping on Dad’s computer.
DAD – always trust your gut feelings, always. If you don’t feel safe by your father, by all means move out, ASAP.
But – don’t out him, if there’s nothing more icky than him viewing porn while you’re in the house. It’s his life, his ways, nothing to see there. And don’t cut all ties to him. You’ll be pretty busy soon, you’ll have time to reflect on things. Meeting him from times to times, in safe places, will let you check whether really he’s considering you as a prey or not, while staying safe.
Hopefully he’s really a decent guy and you’ll end up realizing that everything is OK, and he won’t think of it as anything else than an urge to leave the nest that was just a phase in your life.
But if you were to subsequently discover that he’s really contemplating incest (because he tries to hold you too tight, compliments you too much on your body, looks aroused when he meets you, insists on meeting you in places without witnesses, gives you expensive gifts that you have to come and fetch alone at his place, etc.) then it will be time to out him as suspicious to your close circle – and to sever the ties.
From an incest survivor.
@73 what did he want, in exchange for his silence? (The incest-porn-loving part of me hopes he wanted a blow job from you; the empathizing parent in me hopes to god not.)
Letter #1 – without having read any responses – once, many years ago, I found a sexbook (you know, an actual BOOK, all text, no pictures) all about incest in my dad’s room. It deeply, deeply, creeped me out, but due to our circumstances at the time (poor as shit, one step off the streets in a communal situation) it was reasonable to assume that this was just a lucky piece of porn he had come across somewhere without having to pay for. At least, that’s the story I told myself to keep my sanity, since as a fourteen year old I had nowhere else to go. I chose to imagine that he was as creeped out by the incest part of it as I was, and just changed all the pronouns in his head as he read it.
Realizing now, twenty years later, this is probably not the case. But since my Dad NEVER actually DID anything even slightly creepy towards me, I can let it go. What the hell, I have weird and creepy fantasies, too, and I know I would be horrified if any of them became reality (actual alien abduction, not as sexy as fantasy alien abduction).
Try to put it out of your head.
@65, restating her letter your way definitely increases the panic level.
If the only times the father watches corresponds to her visits then maybe she should limit her visits to when she isn’t alone with him. Having been stalked by my uncle, I wouldn’t tempt fate otherwise, especially if the father drinks to excess.
Peace.
@79 “not as sexy as fantasy alien abduction”
Ain’t that the truth!
@80- but, as cockyballsup says @68, maybe he looks at porn when his kid is there because that’s when his girlfriend isn’t there. In the absence of dad actually acting inappropriately toward DAD, I say there’s no need to panic about porn.
@73 mrivera,
I would randomly turn off the power to his room and lock the breaker box, if your wife consented. I would also consider taking him to therapy because his actions require a huge amount of pent up hostility. In the mean time use a secure filesystem, separate users, and the secure erase feature that should be a part of every modern OS. You should also check for trojans or applications that could spy on your computer use, and then lock out your computer with a password every time you physically leave the computer. A physically isolated and locked situation might be a good idea as well. You might also wish to consider locking down your credit cards when they aren’t on you as well.
Good luck.
Peace.
Things like DAD’s dad are why this column is a service to humanity: Don’t persecute people who never performed any harmful act. Don’t assume that fantasies are reality.
Re: the 15 year old boy in the podcast … he & his girlfriend just lost their virginity to each other, have done it several times since & it’s still painful for her.
You missed something very obvious:
*How long have they waited after the first time they had sex to repeat?*
The wound/cut/abrasion created by breakage of the hymen can take a few days to heal completely – just like any other wound/cut/abrasion.
If they’re going at it every day like horny 15 year olds, she may be reinjuring her already-broken hymen each time they have sex.
They should just take a week off and see what happens before worrying about anything else.
There are a lot of videos on sites like pornotube, etc. with titles like “father has sex with daughter”.
But you have to wonder how much a guy even cares about that story at all. In the videos it is an older guy having sex with a young woman. If she is sexy, a guy will watch that in spite of the title and in spite of the plot. I mean, most guys that watch porn skip the story and go right for the sex.
Could be that the dad just likes watching old dudes (like him) fucking younger women.
Frankly I’ve watched those videos myself not because I have any fantasies about incest at all, but because if there is a hot girl in the video, I will watch it, skipping the beginning.
Yes, yes YES to the answer to DAD. I love sibling incest in fiction, but I have zero interest in my real-life siblings. Blech.
Even if this girl’s DAD is not interested in really fucking her… that doesn’t mean he’s masturbating to some generic idea of incest and “taboo-breaking”.
What if her DAD is masturbating while thinking of her specifically? Visualizing her face, her body, etc? Watching his incest porn and masturbating while she’s staying there because it’s hot for him?
I’ll answer – then that would be gross and not cool and she has every right to ask him and decide what she thinks is going on and if she wants to exile him or not.
You know some of the current Malware adds fake browser history to porn sites so you may see it and click to figure out what it is. so he could be totally innocent.
@88: Actually, no she doesn’t. That would be demanding access to the inside of his skull. Talk about violating appropriate boundaries! Is there nowhere that is considered one’s own private space?
For that matter, what good will it do? What can he possibly say about what goes on inside his own head that she will believe? None of it is verifiable in any way. How can she be sure, absolutely sure, that he isn’t secretly fantasizing about her, even after he denies it?
There is a very good chance that all he was doing was looking at some random porn, and didn’t give a shit about the supposed plot of the film. Unless there was some actual outward inappropriate behavior, she needs to give him the benefit of the doubt. (Problem is, chances are extremely good that starting today she will start interpreting everything he says and does in the worst possible light.)
For her to go charging in and demanding an explanation of exactly what he was thinking and feeling while watching it would be orders of magnitude more awkward.
If she absolutely can’t let this go, and just has to go interrogate him — I have a very strong suspicion she won’t, and will — she can do that, but he will be perfectly within his own rights to be pissed at her invasion of privacy and her overreaction, to tell her that children are not supposed to involve themselves in their parents’ sex lives, to back the fuck off, and to stay the hell off his computer if she can’t act like a grownup.
Either that or he should password protect his account (he should have done that in the first place), and give her an account of her own. Probably better install parental controls on it, though.
I can understand DAD being extremely grossed out and disturbed by finding the incest porn, but contemplating estrangement from her father seems like a totally melodramatic overreaction. DAD, your father’s a human being who happens to have some fucked up porn preferences. Assuming he’s been a decent parent, you’d have to be a pretty shitty daughter to sever ties with him over something like this.
@84: I haven’t seen that podcast and I’m dealing with a similar issue. I can’t watch podcasts… what did Dan say about it?
@88: I suspect a lot of parents probably do masturbate about their kids: so what? As long as they don’t tell their kids or abuse them, and it’s all in their head, what’s wrong with that?
A more interesting question is whether and under what circumstances it’s ok to ask your adult kid/parent/relative for sex. Theoretically, an adult asking another adult if they’re interested should be ok, but it’s complicated when it’s family.
@Blackrose
When it isn’t there?
Do you have psychic abilities that myself and Dan lack? He was the one who acknowledged in the first place that it was a possibility.
He said: I’m operating under an assumption: again, that your father has never done anything that made you feel unsafe. If your discovery had led you to connect a bunch of deeply creepy dots, DAD, that’s surely something you would’ve mentioned in your letter.
An assumption. Not a certainty. I personally think the basis for the assumption “you would have explicitly said it” isn’t the best one.
Maybe her feelings of disgust were valid. I’m willing to admit they weren’t, but I don’t understand the eagerness to dismiss that they could have been.
I’m also curious as to where you get “ridiculously common” from. I think you tend to think that certain things are more common than they actually are based on your personal experience.
But if you have any sort of stat I’d love to hear it for sure.
“I suspect a lot of parents probably do masturbate about their kids: so what?”
What would lead you to suspect that?
The conclusion of this life story is the real point and unfortunately the outcome was a troubled teenager who could see no other outcome than the ending of his life. My heart aches for him and his famly who will live the rest of their lives evaluating what could have been done differently that might have changed the tortured stuggle by a young male seeking a normal life and acceptance by others. I am saddened by the outcome and outraged by those who influenced him to take his life. May they live many years, more than most, agonizing over what they have done to a solitary human being seeking love and acceptance. Is this not what each of us desire every day? In memory of a brave young man we will miss and hopefully not forget as our busy lives take us on to the next topic of the day. May you find solice, peace and happiness James….finally sheltered in the arms of a loving and accepting god…
@93: Sure, it’s possible that the father did abuse DAD or do something to make him/her feel unsafe. It’s hard to understand why someone writing in asking if he/she should end the relationship wouldn’t mention that, but it’s possible. When I said “it isn’t there” I meant that there’s nothing in the letter to indicate that, not that it wasn’t a theoretical possibility.
Based on what we know (DAD saw incest porn in the father’s browser history) DAD’s feelings of disgust were not valid. We have to go based on what we know, and the question asked about the reaction to the porn, not other things.
I think incest is a common fantasy based on what shows up in, for instance, erotic stories: check out asstr or storiesonline and look at how many stories have the incest code. Given the taboo nature of the kink, I doubt there exist accurate statistics on what percentage of people have a kink for incest fantasies or stories, though I’d love to see some. It’s a pretty standard kink though, and shows up on lists of turn-ons. Do you think it’s very rare?
@94: Again, hard to know for sure, but people often find youth attractive, the taboo nature of it makes it appealing, and people’s kids are around them a lot. When kids start going through puberty, suddenly parents realize they’re sexual beings in their own right and they have to deal with that. They see their kids in a new way, so it doesn’t seem surprising that a lot of parents would think about their kids being sexual and get turned on.
One sex question answered, two opportunities taken to complain about a fashion trend that’s very popular with your readers. Uh, good… column? :/
Wrong answer from Dan and all the children on here who just wanna be free.
When you have a kid, job #1, before pleasuring yourself, is to protect the kid. If the kid is in your home, and there’s even the remotest chance the kid will find you perving on incest porn, DON’T LOOK AT INCEST PORN AT HOME. Because the kid’s mental health and relationship with you are both more important than your desire to jack off to Daddy’s Little Princess.
As for what the girl should do? Take a vacay from a dad who’s irresponsible and selfish enough to look at that shit while she’s in the house. Maybe now she’s got some insight, though, into why her parents are divorced. Not the kink: the selfishness and irresponsibility.
I’m seriously disliking Dan as a spouse and parent. Guy more or less bullies his boyfriend into accepting an open relationship, and then puts kink ahead of a kid’s wellbeing. I think he’s a selfish twat, really.
@96 I think you are probably right that many parents get some kind of sexual charge from seeing their teenagers develop. As the parent of a daughter going through puberty, it’s hard to keep my mind totally pure every second of the day. I don’t masturbate to thoughts of her, but fleeting sexual thoughts do traverse my brain, regardless of my best intentions.
I don’t talk about it (let alone act on it), just like I didn’t talk about the pleasure that came with nursing my babies, and how that sometimes felt sexual. But I like how Slog can be a place to acknowledge that sex is often on our minds, and sexual thoughts do seep into aspects of life where society says they don’t belong (the classroom, the workplace, parent/child relationships).
@98
The “kid” is 22 fuckin years old. She is NOT a child and odds are, she probably does a whole lot of things that are in those videos.
This is WAY different from him using the computer in the rec room that an 8 year old uses to do his homework.
She’s 22 and a temporary visitor while she prepares to move away.
I continually have dreams in which I am having sex with my brother. They are dreams. I can’t control them, they just happen. The thing is, in the dreams, the “brother” I’m having sex with isn’t ever my real life brother. It’s a made up brother. And in the dream there is always this incredible titillation that we are doing something bad and that we might get caught but our desire for one another is so strong that we just can’t control ourselves. I guess one would call these incest fantasies. But in real life, I have absolutely NO desire to have sex with my brother.
Well, I could easily be the “major asshole” that NEN, the second letter writter is talking about. I briefly dated a 30-year-old who had very minimal experience with men. As far as the stretched earlobes, that was never discussed. But I do know that he had fooled around with a guy way back in high school or something and that guy was now married with kids, but he never shared anything with me about being raped. So, I could easily not be the “major asshole” as well, but I’m sure the guy I was dating thinks I am. That’s because even though I really liked him, I got tired of him being closted and not willing to talk about it and then the fact that it felt like the relationship had to be 100 percent on his terms.
So, I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and I told him why, I also told him that he needed to stop being so afraid of what everyone else would think about him, as far as being out, including family and friends, that his family would still love him and any friends worth anything would still want to be friends. But, I never got a response from him, after calls and emails. I hope NEN gets some counseling from a good fair professional, and I also hope the same for the guy I dated, because if he got his shit together, I would love to give it another try.
I’m not interested in cleaning my browser’s porn history. If someone who lives under the same roof I live -those christian hating fundamentalists- and they don’t like what they could see, why are they looking into my always signed-in PC with my always signed-in porn and non-porn sites accounts? Its like those time they -my not so bad though christian hating fundamentalists folks/parents/whatever- asked me questions about my sexuality -or my political ideology- and they didn’t like what they heard. Why ask then?
@103 & 104, You’re a creep. Go plug your blog somewhere else.
@105 I’ve experienced the same. Usually it’s because they want to ‘correct’ or ‘fix’ you/your outlook. The generic ending to idealogical/moral arguements with my grandmother: “Oh, trust me. Someday you’ll be older and see that I knew what I was talking about. Then you’ll change.”
Que internal screaming.
Dan Savage, Your are a piece of shit of the lowest kind in the CessPool of LIBEERAL SHIT HEAD FILTH. Go stick your sewer head shit brain up your ass and eat your own shit while it is stuck in your ASS.
@98, how exactly do you know Dan “bullied” his husband into an open relationship? Also, agree with @100–DAD is 22, not 12!