I am an 18-year-old straight male. I have a hodgepodge of birth defects that affect my genitalia: severe hypospadias (my urethra—my piss slit—is at the base of my penis), micropenis (less than two inches), and anorchia (I was born without testes). I have never been naked around anyone else. I don’t really like being naked by myself, to be honest.
Lately, my sex drive has skyrocketed. It is driving me up the wall. Couple this with the fact that women see me as attractive, and I’m not doing well. Sexual situations are presenting themselves to me and there’s nothing I can do. I’ve recently started college, and it’s endlessly frustrating to see my friends having relationships and being sexually active. I know that casual sex/flings will never be an option for me, but I am dying over here!
Messed-Up Junk
“His story is one that is very familiar to us,” says Tiger Howard Devore, vice president of the Hypospadias and Epispadias Association (HEA). “He should know that he is not rare and many with his kind of genital difference have learned how to communicate about their difference to potential intimate partners.”
You’re right, MUJ: Casual sex/flings—shucking off your clothes and jumping into bed with a girl you’ve just met—may never be an option for you. But you know what? Drunken college hookups last an hour or two, while the communication skills you’re going to have to develop to navigate your sex life will last a lifetime.
And you will have a sex life, MUJ, and there is a lot you can do. There are women out there who prefer tongues, toys, and touch to vaginal penetration. On the Savage Lovecast, I took a call from a woman who was worried she would never find a partner because, although she enjoys other kinds of sex, she’s physically incapable of vaginal intercourse; there’s a new dating website for straight men and women “who cannot engage in sexual intercourse” (www.2date4love.com); and if you fall in love with a woman who enjoys vaginal intercourse, sex shops sell strap-on dildos to men, too.
In short, MUJ, you have options. You also have role models.
“One of the most validating and reassuring experiences someone with genital difference can have,” says Devore, “is to meet with others who share their birth history and have dealt with the same issues of self-acceptance, shame, and isolation, and the challenge of intimate relationships.”
HEA hosts an annual conference and it’s coming up, MUJ. If you can get your ass to Chicago over the weekend of October 21–23, I strongly encourage you to attend HEA 2011.
“Connecting with others who share his difference is the best way to end his isolation and begin his healing,” says Devore. “At the conference, he’ll get expert information from doctors and psychologists, and he’ll meet men who have grown up just like him and have faced the same fears and overcome them.”
HEA offers financial aid to men who otherwise wouldn’t be able to attend—an experience that is life changing and, in some cases, life saving—and I’ve made a donation so more men with hypospadias can attend this year. I’m encouraging my readers to do the same:
www.heainfo.org/Donate.html.
I’m a girl from Austria currently seeing a guy who likes to tie me up and gag me. It is just cuffs and ball gags, and I am enjoying it! Recently he sent this text message: “mummification sounds fun.” In his case, “sounds fun” means “I wish to try it.” I looked it up online. Holy! I was scared after watching this video of a guy wrapping a woman first in cling film and then in duct tape! Face and everything! It seemed like out of a horror movie! I texted him back: “I realize this could be a lot of fun for you, but I don’t think I can do that.” He’s never mentioned it again.
I feel awful for denying him. I tell myself it’s about trusting the other person—yes, we have safe words!—but I just can’t shake off the feeling of creepiness! Is there anything I can do to get over being terrified? Was it fair to say “Not gonna happen”?
Because I Am Scared
“BIAS should know that it was absolutely okay for her to say ‘Not gonna happen,'” says Tynan Fox, kinkster, activist, and blogger (www.tynanfox.com). Fox, just 27, has been into mummification for more than a decade—he’s been on both sides of the duct tape—but says he can appreciate why even some bondage fans aren’t into it.
“Many people are claustrophobic,” says Fox, “and they can’t stomach the idea of being wrapped up, and who can blame them? Mummification is extreme play. But her boyfriend is being completely appropriate—she said she wasn’t interested, he hasn’t mentioned it again—and they should both be commended for their open and honest communication.”
But the only way to get over your feelings of terror, if you want to explore this, is to try it while taking things very, very slowly.
“Pace yourselves!” says Fox. “Begin with Saran Wrap only, just from the shoulders to the ankles. If she freaks, the boyfriend cuts her loose and it’s over. If the scene goes well, they can add a little more next time. Eventually, she may find the restriction and sensory deprivation provides a heightened sense of sexual awareness and makes her extremely horny.”
I moved in with a friend of a friend when I was desperate to find housing in a new city. The guy I live with would be an ideal roommate except he sometimes makes homophobic comments. I never told him I’m gay—I didn’t feel the need up front, and now I don’t feel comfortable—but homophobia is not the reason I am writing you. The situation goes deeper.
In the midst of my online exploits, I found an Xtube channel for a guy who is most certainly my roommate. He wears a mask in the videos, but the voice and build are the same, same tattoos, and his bedroom is unmistakable. In the videos, he fucks himself silly with massive dildos—MASSIVE—while begging for cock. Part of me wants to pull one of the videos up the next time he makes a comment. Part of me loves the idea of giving this homophobe a good fucking. What would you do?
Roommate’s Anal Movies
Your living situation sounds like a setup for a great porn parody, RAM. (When a Stranger Comes: “The ass-stretching amateur porn is coming from inside the apartment!”) It also sounds like an opportunity. If you’re into this guy—and, having watched his videos (thanks for the link), it looks like you could literally walk right into this guy—why not seize that great, big, gaping opening created by your little discovery?
The next time your roommate makes a homophobic remark, RAM, tell him you’re gay, tell him you don’t appreciate his comments, and tell him you’re somewhat mystified by his remarks in light of his body of work. Then roll the tape.
There’s a chance—a slim chance—that he’s not gay and just enjoys anal play, sexual transgression, and the attention he gets from men online. But here’s hoping you wind up fucking some sense into your roommate and an apology out of him.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Enough hate on the doctors already. They’re human, nor mind readers and some are better than others at medicine and dealing with patients. There are many causes for many ailments so sometimes a shotgun approach–suspecting a common cause for the most obvious symptoms–is warranted on an initial consultation.
Sometimes it takes more than one visit to nail down a chronic ailment. Sometimes doctors get it wrong but often a cause can eventually be found through trial and error using a science-based approach to treatment. Or you could abandon evidence all together and take your chances with a homeopath, faith healer or other fantasy-based practitioner.
Re medical advice for genital and/or sexual problems:
The better medical schools DO train students on these topics, sometimes in great detail. Not every doctor goes into a specialty where they develop and maintain this expertise, but they should be able to recognize a problem and refer to the correct specialist. Often OBGYN, Urology, or Psychiatry can often help. Sometimes the problem is due to a general medical condition, in which case an Internist or Family Med probably would be the best doctor to help you.
If you have seen one or two doctors who are clueless, please don’t get discouraged. There are others out there who can help. Sometimes it takes awhile to diagnose a problem, because it may not be explained clearly by test results, which are often used to rule-out emergencies or common problems. Not every disease has an absolute cure, and some ‘cures’ are worse than the disease, but almost all suffering can be alleviated.
You can help your doctor by preparing a detailed list of your concerns and their timeline, what makes your symptoms better or worse, any other medical problems you have, what medications and other substances you use, etc. You can also prepare a list of questions for your doctor, so that you don’t forget to ask anything important during the brief visit. State your biggest concern at the beginning of the visit, because this is often what the doctor will pay the most attention. Try to paint your problem in terms of function (what you can or can’t do) rather than repeatedly emphasizing severity of pain (which is of course also important).
Hope this helps! Good luck to y’all!
I do give my gynecologist a lot of credit for listening to me when I said that I had painful intercourse (a previous doctor said I looked fine and to use more lube, and left it at that), ruling out common problems such as a yeast infection or STD, and correctly diagnosing me with VV and referring me to a specialist. She has been wonderful.
Unfortunately, the only pelvic pain specialist in my region is an evangelical doctor. His practice is covered with religious materials (including on the ceiling above the exam table & stirrups) and pamphlets advising that Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven and all other religions are false. He is part of a group that aims to use the practice of medicine to evangelize. I think that this is an abuse of power, especially when you are the only doctor in a certain specialty available to people. Plus, women need to be comfortable telling their gynecologist their sexual history, even if it includes extramarital sex, abortions, homosexual acts, prostitution, or similar non-Christianity-friendly issues. End rant.
In general, though, I don’t have a negative view of doctors (actually, I am married to one). I think there is variation, as in any profession.
@107 repete: I don’t have any hatred for doctors, except that I don’t have much respect for those whose idea of offering a remedy is “try this new drug and check back with me in 2 weeks”. My beloved mother passed away three years ago after a battle with Parkinson’s because her frail body finally gave up from being prescribed too many useless drugs and no cure.
Yes, physicians are humans and prone to error like the rest of us, too, but they don’t have to make the pharmacists rich.
@111: Agreed!
@111, there is a whole organization dedicated to blending Christianity/faith/evangelism with the practice of medicine.
http://www.cmda.org
They specifically discuss the importance of sharing faith with patients, although they try to maintain some semblance of ethics by including a lot of caveats.
http://www.cmda.org/WCM/CMDA/Issues2/Hea…
I found the whole thing appalling.
@113 I don’t necessarily have issues with this in theory. It depends on how they do it. I think that it would be great if I had a doctor who shared my faith, because they would understand completely any way that faith might affect my decisions.
I also don’t have a problem with them having their faith as long as they don’t try to force my decisions to fit their morality. That’s not to say that many doctors don’t try to do exactly that. It sounds like the experience you had was one of those. And, as you said, being the only doctor of that type does make things more difficult as well.
As an example, my PCP has a few religious pictures/saying in his office. Occasionally when talking to him, if you know what you’re looking for, you can pick up hints of his faith. However, he has never pushed his faith on me (and he’s been my doctor since I was a born)or made me feel uncomfortable about asking any question.
It’s a tough line to walk. I don’t think anyone should push their religion on others, but I also don’t think that anyone should be kept from expressing their religion to the extent they see fit(barring violence in the name of religion of course), even in a work setting.
@11/106 — I’m glad to hear that (not the sex frequency but the hydrocodone part:) I’d hate to see you end up with another problem from treating an already crappy one!
I don’t know anything at all about your condition, but I know that there are some techniques that are used to help soften and loosen the perineal and vaginal tissues before giving birth, such as massage and using mineral oils, to allow for greater stretching. I don’t know if they would help at all with your problem (’cause like I said, I’m completely unfamiliar with it) but if you haven’t talked with your doctor about things like that, it might be worth looking into.
@114, I live in the south, so I’m used to a few religious pictures and the stray Bible verse on a clinic’s website. My dentist had Christian rock playing once, and it was annoying but not really offensive to me. I don’t need to feel comfortable telling my dentist about my premarital sex with my boyfriend, though. The clincher for me at this OB/Gyn’s office was the pamphlets on finding Jesus that explicitly said other religions were false and would send you to hell. We’re not talking about general, non-denominational “God loves you” stuff at that point. These pamphlets were in the exam rooms and on the doctor’s desk.
The poster on the ceiling over the exam table was the final creepy touch. I really don’t like staring at a poster about God and Jesus while getting a gynecological exam!
I think we agree that this is definitely taking the displays of faith too far. Even all of that wouldn’t bother me so much if it was just one of many clinics in the area, and people could self-select to go there if they share his views.
I agree with those who’ve said that MUJ doesn’t necessarily have to give up on random hook-ups. Sure, it’ll mean a slightly awkward quick conversation before the clothes come off. And without a doubt, some people would react badly and not want to continue or possibly be jerks about it. But I think most people will react just fine, even if it’s something different than they’re used to. If they’re already attracted to you, that’s really not going to change. I’d bet this will seem like way less of a big deal to the random hook up girl than it does to you–particularly because lots of people don’t want to have actual intercourse the first time they hookup with someone anyway.
>Here’s more on variation– Some women complain about mammograms. I’d say they don’t have to hurt. The compression is considerably less than you get with an arm band for blood pressure, and it takes even less time. It’s just a quick squeeze, more awkward than anything else and not necessarily terribly awkward. But I know some women say they hurt a lot. I don’t know what accounts for the difference.
Likely, the major factors are size, density, and sensitivity. I have trouble doing self-exams (and, in fact, generally don’t bother) because, every time, I come to the exact same conclusion–they’re large, they’re lumpy, and it kind of hurts to poke at them.
@118: While you’ve got some good points, I’m still going to wait until I’m 50 for my next mammogram screening. It’s not high on my list of favorite to-do activities. Ig.
I’ll take a blood pressure cuff any day. I’ve got my own, kindly provided by the VA, and check my BP regularly.
For those out there born this way that turn gay . Because they think it’s the only alternative. Please know that there is another way to be loved. And that is by women that have had there bad man in their life. And left that terrible life behind. They want love and acceptance too! And are most likely willing to not look for perfections. Look beyond the physical body.Please don’t give up on yourself. And don’t give up on women. Maybe not the younger crowd of them anyway.
Angel
Re doctors who know about sexual concerns: Planned Parenthood is GREAT for that. They usually can’t *provide* a complex medical treatment, but they have lots of experience and could give you suggestions to take to your regular doctor, or recommend a knowledgeable doctor to you.
too much vagina talk up in here – has no one found the xtube video RAM speaks of yet?? please – we need a link!!
Roommate’s Anal Movies:
If your roommates comments offend you, I’d tell him that they offend you. If it were myself, I’d also mention that they offend me partly because I am gay.
I really don’t see a good reason to bring up his dildo-movies with him _in regards to this issue_. If you’re good enough friends with him to mention you’ve run across them without fearing he’ll go apeshit, you ought to be good enough friends with him to mention that you don’t like his homophobic comments, or that you yourself are gay. I’m guessing this isn’t the case.
The last thing I’d do with a person I’m stuck living with, who isn’t aware I’m gay and makes bigoted comments, is try to get into bed with him, as has been suggested, above. That sounds like a recipe for disaster.
@Gwyn, I’m late to the game here, so you may not see this, but wanted to chime in anyway. Long-term use of birth control pills can lead to very painful sex for some women, something I didn’t learn about until it happened to me. Finally referred to a great gyn at a med school, and she had me stop bc pills and switch to the Mirena instead. Made a world of difference for me.
@nocturnomath: Find another gynaecologist, one who specializes in “sexual dysfunction” (I know, horrible term). I was blessed to find one almost immediately, and after patience and exercises (no surgery!!) I am enjoying an active sex life including vaginal intercourse with my husband. Don’t give up!!
The treatment included topical creams, long warm baths (really!), practising with a dildo of varying widths, physiotherapy of the vaginal muscles (Kegel exercises. If you don’t have VV you discover them during pregnancy), and lots of intimacy and understanding with your partner. I found one who was willing to wait for a hundred years if need be; so will you. Good luck!
@124, Six weeks ago I actually went off of my birth control pills for the first time in ten years after reading the comment from @13 Rojo_SD. It hasn’t been long enough to know for sure if my vv is completely “fixed,” but last night I had sex with no pain during or afterwards for the first time in years, without using any painkillers. I am cautiously optimistic (okay, I’m super excited, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much).
I don’t think that hormonal bc causes all or even most cases of vv, but I think it’s worth looking into before trying more drastic measures like surgery. I know that doctors can’t necessarily recommend things that don’t have much research to back them up, but I’m glad that I read about the possible bc link on here and wish I’d heard this five or six years ago.
The first time I “messed around” with my now boyfriend of two years, his penis did not come out at all. In our case this was related to him not wanting to scare me off, as he knew that I was sexually inexperienced at the time and didn’t want me to feel pressured, rather than anything to do with the state of his penis. Anyway, after he fingered me to several amazing orgasms, I must say that I really wasn’t that concerned with the size/attractiveness of his penis. When I ended up going down on him a day later, I may have been a bit surprised if it were different than normal, but after the previous night’s amazing experience I definitely would have found a way to make it work. Point being- whether you hookup or do sexual stuff as part of a relationship, there are lots of ways to make your lady friend happy!