I am an 18-year-old straight male. I have a hodgepodge of birth defects that affect my genitalia: severe hypospadias (my urethra—my piss slit—is at the base of my penis), micropenis (less than two inches), and anorchia (I was born without testes). I have never been naked around anyone else. I don’t really like being naked by myself, to be honest.

Lately, my sex drive has skyrocketed. It is driving me up the wall. Couple this with the fact that women see me as attractive, and I’m not doing well. Sexual situations are presenting themselves to me and there’s nothing I can do. I’ve recently started college, and it’s endlessly frustrating to see my friends having relationships and being sexually active. I know that casual sex/flings will never be an option for me, but I am dying over here!

Messed-Up Junk

“His story is one that is very familiar to us,” says Tiger Howard Devore, vice president of the Hypospadias and Epispadias Association (HEA). “He should know that he is not rare and many with his kind of genital difference have learned how to communicate about their difference to potential intimate partners.”

You’re right, MUJ: Casual sex/flings—shucking off your clothes and jumping into bed with a girl you’ve just met—may never be an option for you. But you know what? Drunken college hookups last an hour or two, while the communication skills you’re going to have to develop to navigate your sex life will last a lifetime.

And you will have a sex life, MUJ, and there is a lot you can do. There are women out there who prefer tongues, toys, and touch to vaginal penetration. On the Savage Lovecast, I took a call from a woman who was worried she would never find a partner because, although she enjoys other kinds of sex, she’s physically incapable of vaginal intercourse; there’s a new dating website for straight men and women “who cannot engage in sexual intercourse” (www.2date4love.com); and if you fall in love with a woman who enjoys vaginal intercourse, sex shops sell strap-on dildos to men, too.

In short, MUJ, you have options. You also have role models.

“One of the most validating and reassuring experiences someone with genital difference can have,” says Devore, “is to meet with others who share their birth history and have dealt with the same issues of self-acceptance, shame, and isolation, and the challenge of intimate relationships.”

HEA hosts an annual conference and it’s coming up, MUJ. If you can get your ass to Chicago over the weekend of October 21–23, I strongly encourage you to attend HEA 2011.

“Connecting with others who share his difference is the best way to end his isolation and begin his healing,” says Devore. “At the conference, he’ll get expert information from doctors and psychologists, and he’ll meet men who have grown up just like him and have faced the same fears and overcome them.”

HEA offers financial aid to men who otherwise wouldn’t be able to attend—an experience that is life changing and, in some cases, life saving—and I’ve made a donation so more men with hypospadias can attend this year. I’m encouraging my readers to do the same:
www.heainfo.org/Donate.html.

I’m a girl from Austria currently seeing a guy who likes to tie me up and gag me. It is just cuffs and ball gags, and I am enjoying it! Recently he sent this text message: “mummification sounds fun.” In his case, “sounds fun” means “I wish to try it.” I looked it up online. Holy! I was scared after watching this video of a guy wrapping a woman first in cling film and then in duct tape! Face and everything! It seemed like out of a horror movie! I texted him back: “I realize this could be a lot of fun for you, but I don’t think I can do that.” He’s never mentioned it again.

I feel awful for denying him. I tell myself it’s about trusting the other person—yes, we have safe words!—but I just can’t shake off the feeling of creepiness! Is there anything I can do to get over being terrified? Was it fair to say “Not gonna happen”?

Because I Am Scared

“BIAS should know that it was absolutely okay for her to say ‘Not gonna happen,'” says Tynan Fox, kinkster, activist, and blogger (www.tynanfox.com). Fox, just 27, has been into mummification for more than a decade—he’s been on both sides of the duct tape—but says he can appreciate why even some bondage fans aren’t into it.

“Many people are claustrophobic,” says Fox, “and they can’t stomach the idea of being wrapped up, and who can blame them? Mummification is extreme play. But her boyfriend is being completely appropriate—she said she wasn’t interested, he hasn’t mentioned it again—and they should both be commended for their open and honest communication.”

But the only way to get over your feelings of terror, if you want to explore this, is to try it while taking things very, very slowly.

“Pace yourselves!” says Fox. “Begin with Saran Wrap only, just from the shoulders to the ankles. If she freaks, the boyfriend cuts her loose and it’s over. If the scene goes well, they can add a little more next time. Eventually, she may find the restriction and sensory deprivation provides a heightened sense of sexual awareness and makes her extremely horny.”

I moved in with a friend of a friend when I was desperate to find housing in a new city. The guy I live with would be an ideal roommate except he sometimes makes homophobic comments. I never told him I’m gay—I didn’t feel the need up front, and now I don’t feel comfortable—but homophobia is not the reason I am writing you. The situation goes deeper.

In the midst of my online exploits, I found an Xtube channel for a guy who is most certainly my roommate. He wears a mask in the videos, but the voice and build are the same, same tattoos, and his bedroom is unmistakable. In the videos, he fucks himself silly with massive dildos—MASSIVE—while begging for cock. Part of me wants to pull one of the videos up the next time he makes a comment. Part of me loves the idea of giving this homophobe a good fucking. What would you do?

Roommate’s Anal Movies

Your living situation sounds like a setup for a great porn parody, RAM. (When a Stranger Comes: “The ass-stretching amateur porn is coming from inside the apartment!”) It also sounds like an opportunity. If you’re into this guy—and, having watched his videos (thanks for the link), it looks like you could literally walk right into this guy—why not seize that great, big, gaping opening created by your little discovery?

The next time your roommate makes a homophobic remark, RAM, tell him you’re gay, tell him you don’t appreciate his comments, and tell him you’re somewhat mystified by his remarks in light of his body of work. Then roll the tape.

There’s a chance—a slim chance—that he’s not gay and just enjoys anal play, sexual transgression, and the attention he gets from men online. But here’s hoping you wind up fucking some sense into your roommate and an apology out of him.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

120 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. Mummification can also cause overheating and dehydration if the person is wrapped up too long. Also, keeping the nose and mouth clear is a must. Suffocation is no fun.

  2. I just have to chime in that, among the romance authors, HEA stands for “Happily Ever After,” the traditional ending. I just love that the acronym for the Hypospadias and Epispadias Association is HEA. After all, each one of us deserves one.

  3. I’m usually pretty comfortable with Dan’s advise, but not in RAM’s case. Confronting this guy sounds like a really good way of provoking an attack by a self-loathing homophobe. I’m with @23, @24, and @49, but more alarmist. Be VERY careful about what buttons you push, regardless of how desperately you’d like to push them.

  4. I’m glad lots of readers called Dan on his potentially DANGEROUS advice to RAM. That scenario seems as likely to end in a knifing as in a fucking.

  5. Wait a second. BIAS writes in asking if it’s okay that she does NOT want to try mummification with her partner, and the answer she gets is: “That’s fine! Here’s how you should go about doing it anyway.” Not helpful. She already said no. Time to move on.

    I wonder if there are watered-down versions of this kink that may be less threatening for her but still hold some appeal for her boyfriend. Such as letting him wrap up only her arms and/or legs – individually, or legs bound together, or arms bound to her body. And they should use cloth strips or bandages rather than anything plastic or adhesive that might be unsafe and painful to her.

    As she says they’ve only tried handcuffs so far, I also recommend Japanese rope bondage. It can involve some elaborate wrapping and looping, which may appeal to the boyfriend. Could be a fun way for them to “graduate” from basic handcuff play.

    I’m sure the possibilities go on and on.

  6. @22 Xylocaine/lidocaine is a topical anesthetic that only numbs the surface of the skin, while for most women having sensation in the skin of the vulva is a good thing (though not for those with VV) it’s only a portion of sexual sensation from PiV. A lot of clitoral and vaginal sensation is deeper than a topical anesthetic is going to numb.

  7. #3-I have a normal penis and normal sex drive and much prefer oral and foreplay to just “wham bam, thank you ma’am” sex. Be upfront with prospective partners and you’ll meet a guy who thinks he just won the girlfriend lotto.

  8. All the best of luck to MUJ. I’m a straight woman with a retroverted uterus – something that at least one in five women have – and my cervix never gets very high up no matter how turned on I am. My husband has a pretty average-sized penis, and it’s very easy for him to knock me during sex, which hurts in a bad way. I love the guy and we have a great time, but I do like vigorous fucking and the knocking can be a real nuisance.

    Find a woman like me (and we’re commoner than you’d think) and a micropenis might turn out to be an advantage!

  9. @56, she didn’t ask permission to say no, she asked: “Is there anything I can do to get over being terrified?” So, yes, people have been making suggestions for watered-down versions of the kink. Just as you did, in the second part of your post.

  10. The sort of “mummification” BIAS describes IS dangerous. There have been documented cases of people dying from encasing their whole, or even the vast majority, of their body in duct tape/saran wrap, or other non-porus materials. Even if her FACE is left unwrapped, she stands a very real chance of suffocation, since the SKIN needs to breath as well. Doing something like this for more than a very brief period is incredibly dangerous (one case involved only a few hours of “mummification”).

    And this:

    “(When a Stranger Comes: “The ass-stretching amateur porn is coming from inside the apartment!”)”

    Thanks for making my day, Dan 🙂

  11. Dan Savage, I LOVE you!

    You could write a column focusing on only popular sex problems and dilemnas, and not touch anything like this and have a happy career.

    I love you because you took the time to advocate for this guy with hypospadias and other problems and gave him resources to help him connect and give him hope…

    And the gift you’ve given me, was the opportunity to remember that compared to SO many people, I DON’T KNOW WHAT A FRICKIN’ PROBLEM IS, most of the time….

    bless you, (in a pantheistic way)

    James “Shoes” Walker

  12. #25 – yes i have had a condition, thanks for asking. it was successfully treated. i would not have settled for a treatment that allowed someone to have sex with me but gave me none of the joys of having sex.

  15. As a card carrying flag waving out and proud pervert, I’d like to add a little note to Because I Am Scared. If you definitely do not want to try mummification then by all means don’t. If you feel bad, consider letting him explore this fetish with someone else. Maybe you guys could check out the local fetish scene and make friends with other kinksters that share your interests. Then you might be able to try some things with guys who are into things your partner isn’t as well as letting him explore mummification with someone who will get off on it. One huge word of caution, while mummification “sounds fun” it should not be attempted unless he knows what he is doing. Talk openly about his issues and don’t chastise him if he’s been exploring this online or through conversations with other people. Mummification gone wrong can cause suffocation, blood restriction to the extremities that could eventually lead to nerve damage and when covering up the face he would need to constantly be monitoring the sub’s breathing. It’s not something you do and leave a person alone for hours on end.

    So, if your fear comes with a hint of curiosity and excitement, learn all you can about this type of play and begin slowly. If it is nothing but a turn off then consider letting him do his own exploring. In either case, just make sure he knows what he’s doing.

    ~Pup Don

  16. Oh, and by the way Dan. I work for a porn company called Randy Blue and we did do a movie called “When a Stranger Cums”. Great minds think alike.

    You’re awesome. I never miss a podcast. Keep up the good work! 😉

    ~Pup Don

  17. Re RAM: I too think the advice is potentially dangerous. I also believe that a person–even an asshole–who posts videos online is entitled to have his privacy respected. (I also find it to be an AMAZING coincidence that this guy found this video channel.)

    Re BIAS: As with any other kink, ease into it. And of course you don’t cover air passages. I think common sense would tell you that.

    Re women with “messed up junk”: I prefer oral to vaginal intercourse. Not just a little bit either. I love receiving head from a talented woman and I love giving head all night long. I would be fine with a sexual relationship which was oral-only. I know I’m not the only one.

  20. My issue:
    I used to really like a guy and we hung out with some friends one day but then i started to loose my feelings for him b/c of the way he acted. I saw a more immature side of him that I don’t like. I don’t expect him to change b/c that would be too much to ask but I started to not like him as much.
    Then on weds during lunch he asked me to go out with him. It wasn’t in private and it was in front of a bunch of friends. So I felt pressured and said Yes.
    Now Im stuck. I know for sure that i don’t like him. Its been so awkward.I was going to tell him this the day after but the day after was his birthday (so i made him cookies).

    He thinks that I’m just being awkward b/c I don’t know how to be a girlfriend, but I do I just dont want to act like a girlfriend to him to lead him on.

    I decided to give it a week but now its too awkward for me b/c he really likes me but i dont like him.

    How do i break up with him with out hurting him too much? WHat should I say? I thought that I would say ” I think we should just be friends…”
    Is that too typical?

  22. For anyone with unusual needs – micropenis, etc – please don’t underestimate those partners who find it gratifying to meet the needs of others. Intimate relationships are so individual and mysterious and there really is a lid for every pot if you get out there and make yourself known. The biggest impediment is shame.

  23. @73, just speak up for yourself and say that it’s not working out. (Or you could take the ‘fraidy-cat approach and ask a friend to tell him the same thing.) Either way, let him know. You’re not doing him any kindness by stringing him along.

  24. MUJ sounds remarkably well adjusted given the gravity and seriousness of his issue: “Women are attracted to me…Sexual situations are presenting.” My advice: Don’t back away from the one-night stands. Just make her cum first- and then with girl spooj dripping down your chin you can have… the talk. If she runs screaming just hit the ‘next’ button.

    For the serious relationship potential you could dribble it out a tiny bit at a time (pun intended). Before she grabs for your cock you might need to explain about the micropenis but all the other medical condition explanations should be able to wait.

    It is refreshing in a big way to have somebody with such serious issues (compared to the douchebaggery issues we often get). He is handling it so logically and with such maturity I think he is going to do just fine. Besides, after your married for a few years the girl-cum-wife is going to cut down the sex to almost nothing anyway so he is already ready to get married…

    Mummifaction sounds hot- not horny hot, but sweaty hot. I thought it was sweet how the girlfriend feels awful about denying her man. Don’t worry, with practice it will get easier and easier until it is more common than not and you don’t feel a twinge of guilt. You can even derive sadistic pleasure in denying pleasure to your husband for any real (or imagined) transgressions.

    Dan may have dropped the ball on RAM but he might also know more than we do about RAM’s situation. Maybe the ‘homophobic comments’ were pretty innocuous? Anyway, from what was published the roommate sounds like a self hating fag who could get violent if he is directly challenged. I like the seduction route somebody suggested. Send him an anonymous e-mail complimenting him on his “work” and go from their but be careful IMHO.

  25. On the subject of female ‘messed-up junk’, just wondering if there’s anyone out there who has undergone surgery, as I have? My problem wasn’t congenital, but was caused by the treatment necessary for a childhood cancer (when I was about 6 mths old) – part of my vagina needed to be removed, making sex completely impossible until I had reconstructive surgery (which I had at the age of 21). Even having had surgery, there was no guarantee that things would work out, and it may comfort some of the posters above to know that my partner and I were together for almost a year before any PIV happened – and for him, it also wasn’t a dealbreaker – there are plenty of other things you can do! (However, I can completely understand the frustration described by posters above. At very many points during my school- and college years, I felt like I would never ever be capable of having a relationship.) Things did work out in the end and we’ve now been married for over a year and enjoy a very active sex-life. However, there are still things that cause problems: insecurity about being so different, pain, problems with certain positions, etc. I feel like it’s a long-shot, but I would really be interested to hear from others who have gone through something similar, to see how they deal with this stuff (both emotional and physical).

  26. @73: Next time you see him, say this: ‘You’re a great guy and I like you as a friend, but I’ve decided that don’t feel this relationship will be right for me and I don’t want to string you along. I want to finish things, and I’m sorry for hurting you. If you want to stay friends I’d be happy to you, but it’s your call.’

    If he wants to know why, don’t get into a negotiation. It sounds like you have difficulty saying things that people don’t want to hear, and if you discuss it too long, you’ll be at risk of feeling pressured to give it another go, which wouldn’t be fair to either of you. Just say firmly and gently, ‘I just feel being your friend rather than your girl/boyfriend is what’s right for me,’ and stick to that.

    The thing is, you are going to hurt him at least a bit by finishing with him. If you don’t feel what he wants you to feel, there’s pain in the future for him somewhere. But that’s not your fault, and it’s not your responsibility to shield him from it: we all get knocked around looking for love, and we just have to deal with it.

    It’s nice that you’re concerned not to hurt him, but for your own safety, you’d be well advised to get some confidence about turning people down or breaking off with them. Your right not to be with someone you don’t want matters more than their right not be disappointed (though you don’t have to be a jerk about it). Try reading Gavin de Becker’s The Gift of Fear on turning people down: being too ‘polite’, to the point of being unclear, can actually be dangerous because it attracts guys who have control issues and are looking for people who can be pressured out of a ‘no’.

    Hurting people for no reason is bad. Hurting somebody a bit because you don’t want to be with them is unavoidable, and you need to be able to do it without feeling like a bad person for your own protection. Good luck.

  27. Great column this week Dan. Reminds me of the old days.

    Just reading about that mummification makes me fucking claustrophobic! Fuck that shit.

    Also, something about the last letter feels phony to me. What are the odds of a gay guy stumbling across his seemingly straight room mate’s porn videos of him fucking himself with a dildo on some random tube site. Sounds more like a fantasy than someone in need of advice!

  29. I love you, Dan, and rarely disagree with you. But your advice to RAM seems totally off the mark. Someone so out of touch with his own sexuality (making homo jokes while making homo videos) suggests he is not ready to socially come out of the closet. I just hope this guy doesn’t get violent if RAM takes Dan’s advice.

  31. Dan, thank you for posting information on HEA along with Tiger’s wise words. An organization working for the civil rights of infants and teenagers like MUJ will be in attendance in Chicago at HEA’s conference, Advocates for Informed Choice http://aiclegal.org. We look forward to seeing everyone there!

  32. Dan, thank you for posting information on HEA along with Tiger’s wise words. An organization working for the civil rights of infants and teenagers like MUJ will be in attendance in Chicago at HEA’s conference, Advocates for Informed Choice http://aiclegal.org. We look forward to seeing everyone there!

  33. @82: Although I think Dan is usually spot on, I agree with what you’re saying. I was a little surprised by his advice to RAM, too.

    Nonetheless, all the best, Dan, Happy Birthday, and eat lots of cake!!

  34. @11 — If you’re taking hydrocodone before sex every time, then I’m a little concerned for you. Depending on how often you’re doing the deed, you could end up with a pretty serious addiction. If you need prescription strength medication for your condition (and I’m sure you do, as I’ve had sex on hydrocodone and it doesn’t add to the experience unless it’s necessary!) make sure that your doctor changes up the exact medication regularly — if he switches you between classes of medication, you can probably stave off any addiction issues.

  35. To MuJ–

    You may not be able to have casual one-night flings as easily as most, but those are overrated and often regretted during the next hangover anyway. But don’t let your genital difference stop you from going out on dates and looking for the right person for you. There are many women out there who will accept you and love you the way you are. I can honestly say that if I had found out my fiance was in the same situation as you are when we started having sex, it would have given me pause only long enough to consider logistics. It wouldn’t have stopped me from loving him or wanting to have sex with him.

    Lead with your heart instead of your dick, and with time and a little luck you’ll find someone who will love and appreciate both, I promise.

  36. Nocturnomath – After going to several doctors who would not listen to my symptoms and would tell me things like “Oh, you are just nervous .. have some wine,” I was diagnosed with vestibulitis and had the surgery. It took a long time to get over the psychological hurdle to allow penetration .. I was afraid that it might still hurt … but in the end, with some “practice” with dildos and vibrators and a lot of patience on the part of my husband, I have “full use” of my vagina!! The surgery is not for everyone, but I thought you would like to know of one successful story!

    I will say that even during the years that I had the pain, I had a very full sex life and learned lots of fun techniques to please my husband without vaginal penetration. Now when we have sex, we still enjoy all of those “alternatives”!

  37. MUJ: you’re wrong that “casual sex/flings will never be an option” for you. The drunken college hook-up I remember most fondly was a foxy anarchist pretty-boy Canadian with what I now realize were a micropenis and excellent communication skills. His junk did indeed strike me as bizarre, but no mention was made of it until after he’d adroitly made me come at least once, at which point I offered to fuck and he politely declined, saying he didn’t generally get stiff enough to do that. He later wrote me a really lovely I’d-do-that-again letter, we became firmer friends, and the main reason our casual sex didn’t become a casual fling was because at the time I happened to be a little too immature and messed-up to pursue interpersonal happiness.

    Point being: if women find you attractive, your sex-drive is skyrocketing, and sexual situations keep presenting themselves, you’re in clover. You’ll want to acquire some technique, and increase your comfort-level with your sexual self. You may prefer to target women who (like college-age me) are bi and/or comfortable with strangeness and/or (unlike collage-age me) have nifty communication skills themselves — they’re less likely to freak out, and more likely to provide useful technical tips & feedback. If you accidentally start messing around with an ill-mannered size/normalcy-queen who makes you feel like crap — well, feeling like crap afterwards is a common side effect of one-night stands even for us folks with conventional genitalia (which is part of what made Foxy Canadian Boy such a pleasant exception).

  38. Thank you everyone for your suggestions! They really helped me out!

    @Gwyn:
    “Nocturnomath, I have vestibulitis as well, and I am happily married (four years; together seven). It has affected our sex life (of course), but I have found some treatments (estrogen cream topically every day, and lidocaine topically and hydrocodone before sex) that enable us to engage in vaginal intercourse.”

    I do have something called triamcinolone acetonide cream–is that the estrogen cream you were talking about? Also, how do you use lidocaine without it getting on your husband’s penis? How hard is it to get a prescription for hydrocodone for vestibulitis vulvodynia? And how do you prevent inflammation after sex? That’s always the worst part for me–the last couple of times I had sex it was so painful I couldn’t get out of bed for a few days.

  39. And sorry if my questions were a bit graphic. But I don’t have insurance anymore so I can’t really talk to a doctor (and some doctors don’t know what they’re talking about when it comes to v.v. anyway) and it’s not like I can just go to a party and say, “hey, let me tell you all about my inflamed vagina! Anyone got any pointers?” So it looks like the internet is my only source of information.

  40. What does the standard doctor know about sexual problems with a medical base? Is this taught in medical school? Would a primary care/family physician even know what specialist to recommend a patient to?

    Imagine an 18 year old is a good student, wants to help people, and wants to go to medical school. He studies hard. He goes to college. He has a number of sexual experiences in college. He’s responsible and knows about birth control and the regular STDs. He wears a condom. He gets into medical school. He does his internship in internal medicine. He goes to work in a clinic or joins a practice. Picture a relatively small town or even a medium sized city.

    In the course of giving babies vaccines, treating sniffles, counseling on weight and blood pressure and diabetes, he gets patients who ask him about sex. One woman has painful intercourse. Another isn’t lubricating. A third wonders about her sex drive during peri-menopause. Several have terrible menstrual cramps or pre-menstrual syndrome. A woman is sexually active but doesn’t orgasm. A man isn’t sure if he has pre-mature ejaculation or not. Another man is worried because he’s afraid his fantasies might mean he’s gay.

    Is there anything in the medical curriculum he might have come across that would help him direct these patients to people who can help? Or does he brush off each of these as psychological? Insurance or lack is another story altogether. Let’s say the patient has insurance or is willing to pay out of pocket. Under the best of circumstances, what do doctors know? The questions I’m seeing in this comments section let me know that we don’t even know what sort of specialist to ask for.

  42. @93 Crinoline: Good grief, Charlie Brown, that pretty much covered all the female problems I’m seeking advice about! Yeah. You’ve got me there, about not having a clue about what specialist to ask for.

    My gynecologist just prescribed me some lubricant, so I hope it helps.
    At least my latest pelvic exam results came back normal, so I won’t be making another scheduled appointment for another year. At least I don’t have to worry about having my boobs squished. Yet.
    Ugh.

  43. “But I don’t have insurance anymore so I can’t really talk to a doctor”

    That’s awful.
    I’m assuming you’re American?
    I thought you guys were getting universal healthcare…

  44. 95- AuntieG– When I was younger, it was so easy to throw around medical advice. (Naproxen for menstrual cramps! Bee pollen for hayfever!) Now that I know more, I’m more reticent to recommend anything to anyone. (Do you really want my advice on diabetes or cancer? Everything I know on the subject is from reading magazines and listening to friends complain.) So I ask what doctors know because I get the idea they’re sharing urban legends too. (Try fantasizing. Yeah, right.) And yet I recommend doctors. (30 years ago I dated a man with a terrible premature ejaculation problem. Or rather, he didn’t see it as a problem, and my efforts to communicate that it was went nowhere. He went on to medical school. I’ve often wondered if he learned anything on the subject there and what he’d tell patients who came in asking about it.) I recognize a disconnect in the logic. I don’t think doctors know much, but I continue to think they can help.

    AuntieG– Have you asked your GYN for a recommendation for a GYN who specializes in peri-menopause? That lubricant, does it contain estrogen? I’m convinced (though see above about how I can throw around advice when I don’t know much on the subject) that your problems stem from declining estrogen levels, but your doctor is reticent to prescribe it because of its association with cancer. Estrogen straight to the vagina can be a way (I’ve heard) to avoid that problem.

    Here’s more on variation– Some women complain about mammograms. I’d say they don’t have to hurt. The compression is considerably less than you get with an arm band for blood pressure, and it takes even less time. It’s just a quick squeeze, more awkward than anything else and not necessarily terribly awkward. But I know some women say they hurt a lot. I don’t know what accounts for the difference.

  45. @97 Crinoline: Thanks for the advice. I appreciate getting the opinions of others concerning medical symptoms and possible solutions because someone might know something I don’t. And I don’t know too much about medical science other than what I’ve personally experienced already. I like your idea of requesting a gynecologist who specializes in peri-menopause. I’ll check it out.

    Estrogen and birth control are not effective forms of medication for me, however. Thankfully, my newly prescribed vaginal lubricant is estrogen-free. I have had trouble with producing too much estrogen in the past, with rather unpleasant consequences, so I’m a little skittish about fully buying into the “just take your estrogen, and you’ll be fine” diagnosis. Birth control pills are not beneficial for me, either, as my blood pressure skyrocketed dangerously when I was on Ortho-Novum 777 in the U.S. Navy. Despite having to battle my butt off to stop taking birth control, and repeatedly facing bad advice from local quacks where I was stationed: “It’s all in [your] head” / “Oh, you just THINK that’s a side effect!” ad nauseum, my body weight and blood pressure DID return to normal once I was off the questionable medication.

    Additionally, mammograms are NOT what I’d call spending a fun day at the beach! I have a good sized chest, and the procedure hurt like hell! Standing still for what seems like an eternity while someone else has you clamped to a cold machine shooting pictures of your inner veins hasn’t done anything for me but put braces on some radiologist’s kid’s teeth when each annual screening came up negative. So I elected to wait until age 50 for my next mammogram exam. Personally, I’d prefer skipping this procedure altogether. I’m also concerned with radiation exposure accumulated on an annual basis.

  46. As a woman who was once surprised by a guy with a penis under 2 inches, the best thing you can do is, as Dan says, develop your communication skills. I was completely shocked and confused, I didn’t realize this condition existed and was quite young.

    If the guy I was with had explained it, I would’ve had a totally different reaction. I really liked him and I would’ve enjoyed hooking up with him in all sorts of ways.

    You’ll end up being such a better lover and partner than a lot of guys your age which will win you a higher quality of love in the end.

  48. @103: Holy fuck, the same thing happened to me! Recommended as though it was as simple as getting a shot. Never went back to that guy!

  49. @102 cockyballsup: Boy, can I relate, at least on being shamefully misdiagnosed by the so-called medical “experts”!
    I guess that’s why they call it a “practice”—enough times before they finally get it right?

  50. @87 – Realistically my husband and I only have vaginal intercourse (and thus I only take hydrocodone) about once a month. It’s embarrassing to admit this because we are a young couple and “should” be doing it like bunnies, but the vestibulitis has definitely affected the frequency of vaginal intercourse. We engage more frequently in other forms of sexual activity.

    Now to respond to some of nocturnomath’s questions. I am somewhat uncomfortable going into so much detail on here, but I can’t figure out a way to send nocturnomath a private message. Please let me know if there is a way to do that.

    The regimen that I have currently allows me to have sex with minimal pain, but it is not perfect. The estrogen (premarin) applied daily has made a huge difference, because I used to tear every time I had sex (and it got bad enough to tear even from daily activity as well). The estrogen thickened the skin so that I don’t tear, which helps tremendously.

    The lidocaine and hydrocodone address the other types of pain. The lidocaine does come in contact with my husband’s penis, but I think it has less of an effect on him because most of the penis is not mucous membrane like the vagina. It’s important to apply plenty of lube, because the lidocaine does make it harder to tell if I am dry.

    As far as inflammation, have you tried taking an anti-inflammatory like ibuprofen before intercourse? (Caveat: I am not a doctor.)

    Another important factor is how long we have vaginal intercourse. We can’t go for a really long time or I’ll be really sore afterwards. The inflammation and pain is less if we get close to orgasm before he actually enters me.

    The hydrocodone was prescribed by an anesthesiologist at a pain clinic. It is definitely sort of a nuclear option, but without it I was unable to have vaginal intercourse at all.

    Like I said, this is obviously not ideal. I have hope that the situation will improve. We are planning to have children at some point, and pregnancy sometimes improves this condition greatly, sometimes permanently. We are also moving soon to an area where there is a large university center focused on pelvic pain treatment, and it looks like they have some approaches I haven’t tried.

    Finally, I’m very intrigued by what Rojo SD @13 said about birth control pills. I have been on them for more than ten years, and no one has ever suggested that they could play a role in this. I plan on going off of them to see if there is an effect.

    Despite the frustrating effects of the VV on our sex life, I want to emphasize to nocturnomath that my relationship with my husband is very strong. Good communication about the problem and willingness to engage in alternative activities goes a long way. Even if the VV isn’t treatable, even if sexual intercourse is rare or impossible, it is possible to find a partner with whom you have a satisfying relationship, sexual and otherwise.

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