I’m a college freshman. I thought that college would be the place to come out, but the sad fact is that college hasn’t changed anything. I’m still unable to admit my sexuality to my friends, teammates, classmates, and hallmates. I have thought about joining the LGBT organizations, but those guys are too “out” for me. Not that there’s any problem with that. I just don’t think that being gay is anyone else’s business unless I want them to know. The hardest part is seeing other freshmen go out to parties, hook up, and date when I don’t have the opportunity to do so. I’ve resorted to going on Craigslist, but my encounters have been weird. What should I do?
Closeted Undergrad
You’re not required to disclose who you’re going out with, CU, or the gender of the folks you would like to go out with. But keeping your sexual orientation a secret indefinitely—not your sexual interests (which you can keep to yourself), but your sexual orientation—will ultimately warp your psyche and your life.
Think about it from the other side: What would the straight guys on your team have to do in order to hide their straightness from you? They could never mention their girlfriends, go out on dates, or hook up with someone they met at a party. They would have to hide their porn and be careful not to check out girls in public. They could never get engaged, get married, or have kids. They might be able to have furtive, secretive, and shame-driven sexual encounters with other closeted heterosexuals they met online or in places where closeted straight people gathered to have anonymous sex, but finding love—true and lasting love—would be extremely difficult.
It wouldn’t be impossible—some gay people managed to find lasting love back in the bad old days—but it would be difficult. And the sneaking around and hiding and lying would ultimately warp their psyches and their lives.
If you don’t want to get warped, CU, you’re going to have to come out. And once you’re out, you don’t have to hang out with gay people with whom you don’t click, and you don’t have to be gay the way, say, the LGBT groupers on your campus are gay. Remember: Gay men who are out at your age (18?) tend to be a bit gayer than the average gay dude. They’re out in part because they can’t be in. And God bless ’em and more power to ’em and the gay rights/liberation movement would never have gotten off the ground without ’em. But since you can pass, CU, you’ve had the option of waiting.
You have, of course, the option of never coming out. But as you’re discovering, CU, it’s hard to date in the closet, and DL-enabling sites like CL and Grindr aren’t going to deliver the kind of connections you want. So long as you’re limited to quickly arranged hookups with guys you don’t know, can’t risk getting to know, and can’t be seen with in public, all of your encounters are going to be weird. Not because all the guys on CL or Grindr are weird—there are good guys on both sites—but because you’re trying to have a life and keep it secret, and that tends to attract weirdos without lives.
Look, CU, you’re only 18. You’ve got time. But what you’re going to realize, in not too much more time, is that dating and finding love—or even just sex—inside the closet is nearly impossible. You can remain in the closet and keep your business secret, but you won’t have much of a life in there. And when you realize that, CU, you’ll come out. First to a friend or two, then to your family, then to everyone. And once you’re all the way out, you’ll find that the guys you’ve been focusing on—the “too out” guys—aren’t the only gay guys out there. Just some of the best.
I know it’s hard. But you can do it. All it takes is opening your mouth and saying the words.
Last night, I was blowing a male friend. When I glanced up from “my work,” I saw that he was texting someone. I didn’t say anything and finished the job, but I was offended. Another friend says I should’ve mentioned it because he might have been taking a picture. At the very least, what he did was rude. Any insight from you?
When Blowing Blows
He was taking pictures or making a video and may have been e-mailing pics/vids to his buddies in real time—don’t be an idiot, WBB—and you should’ve snatched that camera from his hand and stuffed it so far up his ass you could’ve sent yourself a picture of the roof of his mouth. Please cut this out and tape it to the mirror in your bathroom: Any girl who’s uninhibited enough to blow a “friend” has to be uninhibited enough to blow up at that friend if she spots him taking sex pictures without her consent.
I’m a straight male, age 26. I’ve been with my girlfriend for seven years. We’re lucky in that we have a group of friends who are into having sex with us. My question is, what is the proper etiquette for condom use between my girlfriend and me when others are present? We don’t use condoms when we’re alone, so we haven’t been using condoms when we’re in front of others. They are using them, and I use them if I have intercourse with another girl, so the risk for the two of us intuitively seems minimal. Is there anything we should be concerned about?
Group-Sex Rookie
If you and your girlfriend have been tested and you’re “fluid bonded” (ugh! That term!) and you’re not having sex in front of strangers at, say, a swingers club or party where someone might misinterpret your condom-free sex as a license to initiate condom-free sex with randoms to whom they are not fluid bonded—preventing these worst-case/biggest-idiot scenarios is why many organized swingers clubs require condoms-for-all during group/public parties—then I don’t see why you and your girlfriend should have to use condoms with each other. So long as you’re careful about always putting on a condom when you need one, you’re both willing to assume the higher risks of acquiring one of the STIs that can be passed through skin-to-skin contact, and seeing you two go condom-free doesn’t make your friends so insanely jealous that they can’t get it up/on in your presence, then knock yourselves out.
This is in response to Messed-Up Junk. His junk sounds just like my junk! But my junk isn’t messed up. I’m a transman—so a two-inch “micropenis” actually sounds pretty damn good! Anyway, I wanted to say this to MUJ: Don’t let your junk stop you from hopping in bed with whomever you damn well please. I know lots of guys with junk like yours who get plenty of action from lots of fine ladies—and gents. As long as your junk gives you sexual pleasure and you are willing to pleasure your partner, there is much fun to be had. Yes, having a body that’s different can be terrifying. Be honest and up-front, but don’t let your head and your fear get in the way of hot sex.
Pumped-Up Junk
Thanks for sharing, PUJ.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
HOW ON EARTH DO YOU LOOK UP AND SEE SOMEONE TEXTING AND THEN FINISH THE BLOW JOB?!?!?!??!??? I wouldn’t even do that if I was being paid. Sheesh.
@1 Second that!
See??? This is why I don’t do dick!!
See?? This is why I don’t do dick!!
All the other kids with their pumped up kicks…
Ommygod! My universes collide — Dan Savage fosters the people!
would have to agree with the first two comments she should at the very least said if your not enjoy this I can stop
TOTALLY agree with Dan’s advice to WWB and had the same reaction to the letter as @1. But I wonder why Dan assumes that WWB is female. Except that the letter writer has been socialized into such politeness that finishing the job is more appropriate than smacking that phone into the nearest wall or up the nearest body cavity on the way out the door.
Great advice to WBB, Dan. I suspect this is a more prevalent problem than many a partner realizes.
Ommygod!! My worlds collide! Dan Savage fosters the people!
@1: Word, as a straight man. Either he wasn’t enjoying himself, and chose to catch up on some correspondence, or he was enjoying himself, and took a moment to send out pictures. (And frankly the second sounds more likely.) Either way, she should be offended and slap his dick out of her mouth.
Had to break up with my last boyfriend (in part) because he was so married to his Blackberry, he’d get up and answer it while I was going down on him. Excuse me but uh, this is kind of important. Cooling down here, no big deal… mkay, time for some Futurama. Leave me alone.
It’s not cool even if he’s not taping your blo-face. But he almost certainly was.
I’ve never had group sex, although it’s happened a lot in my mind. I have often wondered about GSR’s question though… should the opportunity ever come up, now I KNOW!
GSR – make sure everyone changes condoms when they change orifices!
I love how Dan is icked out by the term “fluid bonded.” So unlike him to get skeeved out over sexual language.
ps soooooooo happy the tech wasn’t around when i was a wee little slut. no evidence! er, except what i just wrote.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…
Why gender the answer to WBB? I have been in equivalent situations and basically just carried on as WBB did, in basically the same spirit. How I ever picked up on so many behaviours without receiving massive socialization is a complete mystery.
And I was hoping that CU would have taken a page from DARE and written in again.
Dan, can you tell the Stranger that your RSS button is broken? Thanks.
@16– “How I ever picked up on so many behaviours without receiving massive socialization is a complete mystery.”
What the fuckaya talkin about?
@vennominon : before being in equivalent situations, and carrying on as WBB did, did you feel worthless in any way ? Had you been told, as a child, that you were somehow damaged goods, have you been abused in any way, physical or psychological ?
If you have – then mystery solved. Allowing oneself to be further treated like shit is a common consequence of having already been treated like shit, whether you were aware of it or not. Low self-esteem, I think it’s called.
Quick question: Why no private high schools with a homosexual bent?
I wen’t to a reform-ish jewish private high school. Not only are smaller environments like that more inviting, they’re also rooted in some kind of meaningful commonality.
It seems that there’s so much support behind ‘it’s gets better,’ and I’d love to see what would happen if funding went to creating safe, tangible, practical learning environment for kids who deserve to focus on what makes them unique v. different.
How hard would that be in a city like San Francisco, with plenty of teachers out of work?
@ People who think Dan assumed WBB’s gender: he probably edited out identifying/extended information which clearly indicated her femaleness.
Here’s something everyone is missing about WBB: the situation described is totally hot: Kicking back playing with your phone while your friend sucks your cock, not even bothered to give a shit. I know I’m not the only one with this kink, and it very much could be in play here. It seems as likely as the picture/videotaking to me for the reason that it’s hard to mistake pictures for texting. (Of course if the guy was sending picture mail of the blowjob, that’s a different matter altogether.)
The thing about it is that it’s immensely disrespectful and unappreciative (that’s the hot part). Because of this, no one should ever do such a thing to a partner without consent. The same remarks (and same basic turn-on) applies to distributing the pics.
Fortunately, this letter is probably pure fantasy. WBB just finished the blow job? I don’t think so. WBB was just as likely as not sitting at his computer typing this email out with one hand.
@21 – Awesome idea . . . but just one city? We have many schools that are closed and are in the process of being re-purposed . . . I can envision something like this in several major urban centers . . . meets the peoples needs, keeps an established building in use and employees the unemployed.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvey_Milk…
@23 – no, I disagree. Not that there isn’t a fantasy involving someone being bored & interested in their phone while getting done, but that that’s what’s going on w/ WBB. There’s enough “my GF doesn’t know I’m using my camera-phone” style porn out there that it’s gotta come from somewhere. I’d assume that most ppl who don’t wanna have their picture taken/actions recorded are now having that conversation pre-hookup. At least, I hope so.
To CU – it takes WAY more energy to be in the closet than out. You don’t have to throw glitter everywhere you go, just casually, slowly, let people know you date dudes. The quality of people you connect with will skyrocket, & so will the quality of your life. It’s just so much easier. Luck!
BTW, I’m noticing an increasing trend in folks using the SLOG comments section to promote their own blogs. Faux pas, no?
I’m sure the young man was merely updating his Facebook status. Did you check Foursquare? “…in WBB’s mouth.”
@16/20 – It’s not primarily a question of self-worth. Of course, it would help if I posted when fully awake, but what struck me at the time was how, given that I had extremely little parental guidance beyond BE STRAIGHT (but at least, to give them their due, they just concentrated a reasonable amount of parenting effort all in that one area rather than spreading it about), it struck me as curious that I managed to turn myself out to be so ladylike. I don’t mind, though I’ll admit that sometimes it would be amusing to get to play the Patriarchy card.
@21: I thought I read about a GLBT-only highschool some in the US (California?) a few years back. Too lazy to Google at the moment.
The possibility of pics didn’t occur to WBB until her friend suggested it later. My guess as to the reason WBB continued is that she likes something about the power imbalance between the two of them (and he does too, as @23 suggests). She likes the fact that he just calls her up and she trots over to blow him, with no reciprocation. Him texting, in her mind, was a further step along those lines. (‘I’m just an object to him, not a person.’) Not sure why she decided to tell her other friend about the scene, though.
@ 1, I’m guessing WWB is very young – from my experience, young girls tend to accept being treated badly because they don’t really know how one is supposed to be treated in a sexual / romantic relationship.
Junk is such a negative word for referring to one’s genitalia. You may as well call your cock garbage or filth. I really hoped this term would fade quickly, but no such luck.
Mr. Venominon,
One of the things I like about you is that you *are* very ladylike (I can even visualize your pinkie extended as you sip whatever it is you’re sipping), and then a dash of venom gets inserted into the flow. You’re too much of a lady (I know you’re a gentleman, but really this behavior is so much more Nan/Lucy Steele) to do it outright, but the dig is worth digging for.
(I know you’re partial to bringing up Mary Crawford, but I think the Misses Steeles are more apt for this example.)
“The hardest part is seeing other freshmen go out to parties, hook up, and date when I don’t have the opportunity to do so.”
Um, don’t you mean “The hardest part is seeing other freshmen go out to parties, hook up, and date when I don’t [CHOOSE TO AVAIL MYSELF OF THE] opportunity to do so.”
Sorry, kid, but time to grow up: you are choosing to remain in the closet. You. Either cut it out, or own it.
The first letter writer sounds like one of those over-exaggerators who thinks his problem is the WORLD’S WORST. It’s common to all teenagers, so I can’t really blame him, but I do hope he grows out of it soon.
Unless you’re going to Bob Jones University or similar, the vast likelihood is that your college-aged friends and acquaintances in this day and age are fine with homosexuality.
If LW1 stays closeted — or worse, selectively comes out to only some friends — he’ll run the risk of annoying people when they find out he’s been hiding something so trivial from them because he thinks they can’t handle it.
To Closeted Undergrad:
As one gay guy to another, its 2011, you’re in college, if and when you come, my bet is hardly anyone is going to care – oh another gay guy comes out, stop the presses! Fuck man, there’s 12 year olds are coming out in 7th grade!
Today’s college campuses are teaming with gay orgs., out students, straight allies, AIDS activists, gay marriage advocate groups etc. Sorry to sound a bit harsh but i see it as egotistical to think ANYONE in your school is going to care you’re gay. Unless you’re a St8 acting douche with a girlfriend. If that’s the case, she’ll be the only be the only one to “care”. And she’ll get over it tout de suite.
And as far as the “coming out” mechanisms are concerned, start out slow, tell a close friend, then a teammate, if you need to take baby steps, so be it. but really, my guess is no one is going to make a big deal, and if they do fuck them! Unless of course, you’re known around campus as some big fag hating homophobe then you might have some issues with your coming out, but hopefully that is not the case with you.
In any event, take a deep breath and come out of the closet, its much nicer out here. good luck.
Closeted Undergrad, coming out doesn’t have to happen all at once. You can tell one person at a time, if you need to. You can stick a toe out of the closet and then the whole foot and then the whole leg, and so on. Coming out in the “We’re here, and we’re queer so pay attention” way is like the 8th step in coming out, not the first. The first step is telling just one person.
Group-Sex Rookie, if you’re having sex with your girlfriend while other people are nearby, it may make them uncomfortable for you and your girlfriend to have sex without a condom. If all of their body parts are exposed, they may not want you spraying body fluids around or leaving a wet spot on a mattress/rug/table that they hope to be having sex on in the near future. In my experience, the EVERYBODY-uses-condoms rule at sex parties isn’t just to make sure that people who aren’t fluid bonded use condoms, it’s also to make sure that the people who ARE fluid bonded don’t get anything on the people who may be having sex a foot away … or on the space you’re currently using, that other people may be using half an hour from now.
@3: “See??? This is why I don’t do dick!!”
Hah! Like douchebag lesbros don’t exist.
@21, 24, 25, 30:
http://books.google.com/books?id=bBDyV_e…
Quick Googling finds Harvey Milk in New York, EAGLES in Los Angeles, Walt Whitman in Dallas (apparently since closed).
My personal opinion is that schools everywhere should be safe and welcoming places for everybody, and that sexual orientation shouldn’t be a point of differentiation. That said, I’m all for alternative schools that specialize in performing arts, science, sports, and especially for kids economically marginalized and/or with unstable home lives, who have been kicked out for whatever reason or run away or self-emancipated or trying to get grounded again after life on the street—and I’m all for higher taxes to pay for them, with careful attention to make sure they’re effective in their chosen specialties.
In my daydreams I imagine a world in which parents teach their children to appreciate the differences in people and to be kind and encouraging to everyone.
An aside to @ 34 – nocutename – I also appreciate the manners of Mr. Venominon & would like to have tea & crumpets, pinkie out, with him. 🙂
@38 – I’m not a germaphobe or anything, but your description conjured up images of all kinds of nastiness… No sex parties for me!
@1 & @2:: I third it!!!!
I’m also in agreement with @3 and @4.
My thanks to Ms Cute and Ms Hopkins.
And it occurs to me that I have left my habit of address unexplained all this time. It happened that, less than a month before he died, I had a telephone conversation with Quentin Crisp. We had a friend in common then living in California who, hearing I’d be in New York for the day, said I should phone Mr Crisp to pass on some good news. Mr Crisp was much amused and thoroughly charming. After he died, it seemed a nice little tribute to preserve that one mannerism of his; I just replaced Miss with Ms.
WTF? Your in a group sex oligarchy and you think abstaining from condoms with your girlfriend may be confusing. Condom up asshole and if you are in private with your loved one, than lose the skin. Really, no big deal wearing a condom. Some women prefer condoms due to the slick nature of the beast when lubed properly. Sometimes skin to skin can be irritating for the delicate tissues of a women. Mine too for that matter.
Sometime around 1998, I went bowling & noticed a guy on the lanes focusing on his stupid cell phone call, & I thought: what’s next, focusing on your stupid cell phone while receiving oral sex? It took a while, but hallelujah, that day has arrived!
And to #15, who says “I love how Dan is icked out by the term ‘fluid bonded.’ So unlike him to get skeeved out over sexual language.” Um, I don’t think that’s really true; Dan has shown himself quite frequently to be one of the most peevishly neurotic public figures on the planet.
Sometime around 1998, I went bowling & noticed a guy on the lanes focusing on his stupid cell phone call, & I thought: what’s next, focusing on your stupid cell phone while receiving oral sex? It took a while, but hallelujah, that day has arrived!
And to #15, who says “I love how Dan is icked out by the term ‘fluid bonded.’ So unlike him to get skeeved out over sexual language.” Um, I don’t think that’s really true; Dan has shown himself quite frequently to be one of the most peevishly neurotic public figures on the planet.
the way you reframed CU’s question in terms of closet heterosexuals is always a useful mental exercise. if somebody thinks something is ok for gay people to do then they should play the same scenario out with straight people and see if it still sounds ok. or “sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander” as my grandma would say.
WBB: DTMFA and shove his phone where the sun don’t shine. I don’t think it’s a kink, because the letter sounds like xie is not happy with the boyfriend’s treatment of hir.
My longterm boyfriend will check his email on his smartphone while I’m going down on him, but that’s because he knows how insanely frustrated / turned on it gets me to be faux-ignored like that. He’s not *really* checking his e-mail, he’s just pretending to ignore me because he knows it turns me way on to be treated like an object instead of a person. But we’ve been dating a long time and we’ve had many conversations about my whole “kink for being ignored” thing, so he knows it’s not only OK, it’s sexy to me.
Sheeh! Have some balls and slap that phone out of his hand! The nerve!
As for the 18yr old closeted dude—it gets better! Make some friends who you feel comfortable being yourself around. Or just bring it up with the ones you have, and perhaps they won’t care as much as you fear. Every gay kid goes through this, and it just feels so much better to clear the air and not walk on eggshells around folks. There’s lots of people to be friends with, everywhere. And even if you do go to a LGBT meeting, maybe you’ll fall for some nice straight-acting over-achiever dude…or maybe you’ll fall for a hairy queeny guy! Either way, fun times!