I am marrying a man with two children—a boy and a girl—and we want to include his children in our wedding party. My best friend and maid of honor happens to work as an escort. You and I agree that prostitution should be legal and that sex work shouldn’t be stigmatized, Dan, but the ex-wife of my fiancé disagrees strongly. She somehow deduced what my BFF does for a living, and now she has told my fiancé that she will not allow her daughter to participate in the wedding if my BFF is the maid of honor. She says she does not want their daughter to think that being a prostitute is okay. His ex-wife will not budge. I am furious that this woman would have me remove my oldest, closest, most important friend from my wedding party. What say you, Mr. Savage?
Too Angry For
Cute Acronyms
I say it’s disturbing that your fiancé’s ex-wife isn’t demanding that both her children be removed from your wedding party. Not because I agree with her—I most certainly do not—but because I firmly believe that someone who’s being a dick about something is obligated to be a logically consistent dick.
If tossing rose petals in the presence of a known prostitute—known to her, not known to her daughter (how on earth would her daughter find out?)—is going to pollute her daughter’s tiny mind, then bearing rings in the presence of a known prostitute is going to pollute her son’s. If this woman believes that appearing in wedding photos with a sex worker will result in her daughter one day doing sex work, why isn’t she concerned that her son will one day hire a sex worker? Or do a little escorting himself?
This woman is trying to screw with you, TAFCA, otherwise she would’ve yanked both kids. But this is the kind of issue that could land your fiancé back in court—if his batshit ex decides to really push it—and a sex-negative judge could tear up your husband-to-be’s custody agreement and place limits on his (or your) access to his children, all because his new wife is BFFs with a sex worker. So you’re going to have to give way, TAFCA. But I think you should drop the kids, not your BFF, from your wedding party.
And while you might be tempted to tell the kids to go ask their mother why they’re suddenly out of the wedding party—thereby making her the bad guy—take the high road and come up with an explanation that makes sense to the kids and spares their feelings… if, you know, these kids were actually looking forward to being in your wedding party. There’s a small-but-not-insignificant chance that your fiancé’s children will be relieved to be left out. As much as they may like you, as much as they may approve of your relationship with their father, TAFCA, a child can feel under pressure to play a public role in a divorced parent’s second (or third or fourth) wedding. Since children—particularly small children—may not feel comfortable saying no, lest that “no” be misinterpreted as disapproval of their parent’s new spouse, I believe that smart parents and smart stepparents-to-be should err on the side of not asking their children to toss petals, bear rings, or make toasts.
Over a year ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. I let the whole thing drag out way too long and made a lot of bad choices, and hurt her a lot more than I needed to. Three months after it was over, I broke contact with her. Six weeks later, she started calling me, but I didn’t respond. One night around then I was in my basement bedroom at about midnight. She started calling me and I ignored the calls. Then I heard a knock on my window. I came outside, and she was next to my bedroom window. She came at me and started screaming. I could smell alcohol on her, and she started choking me. She spent that night in jail, having been dragged off my front porch by two policemen, but not before kicking in a window. The last communication I had with her was an e-mail in which I told her not to contact me again or I would put a restraining order on her. It’s been about a year now, and I find myself wanting to contact her again, to say something like “I’m sorry that I hurt you.” I want to know if she’s okay, if she’s on a good path, etc., but I don’t want to be her friend, or even see her in person ever again. When is it too soon to contact a crazy ex?
Wanting Après-Resolution
Never, WAR. Never is too soon to contact a truly crazy ex.
If you’re concerned about how she’s doing, ask a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend or lurk on her Facebook page like everybody else. But if what you’re after is some sort of absolution for the excessive hurt your “bad choices” caused her—choices you didn’t elaborate on in your rush to get to her faults—then you’re not really motivated by any genuine concern for her well-being, WAR, just by a selfish desire to ease your guilty conscience. Either way, no good will come of contacting her. Let it go.
I’m gay, been gay for years now, and I want to be with a man as a life partner. My problem is that I honestly don’t enjoy anal, but I like my boyfriend to be dominant, the man, the boss—however you want to define it. Is that just plain weird? Will I find a man?
Worried About My Ever After
The results of a study recently released in the Journal of Sexual Medicine might interest you, WAMEA.
Researchers from George Mason University and Indiana University asked nearly 25,000 gay and bi men about their last sexual encounter with another dude. “Of all sexual behaviors that men reported occurring during their last sexual event, those involving the anus were the least common,” Joshua G. Rosenberger, one of the study’s authors, writes. Fewer than 40 percent of the men surveyed fucked ass or got their asses fucked during their last sexual encounter. “There is certainly a misguided belief that ‘gay sex equals anal sex,’ which is simply untrue much of the time,” Rosenberger says. (Most interesting data point: Gay and bi men have “immense sexual repertoires.” Researchers documented more than “1,300 combinations of activities.” Most concerning data point: Only half the men who reported having anal intercourse the last time they fucked used condoms. Many of these men are, presumably, in long-term relationships, and may not need to use condoms. But high HIV-infection rates among gay and bi men prove that there are lots of guys out there who should be using condoms and are not.)
Back to you, WAMEA: Some of those gay and bi guys studied might have had anal sex the second-to-last time they got it on, or were looking forward to anal the next time. But we know from other studies that there are lots of gay and bi guys out there—some estimates put it at 25 to 30 percent—who never have anal sex. They just don’t dig it. Your mission is to find a dominant, manly, bossy man with whom you’re sexually compatible, i.e., a bossy top who wants to fuck your throat, your fist, your clenched thighs, your Christmas ham—whatever—but not your ass.
Confidential to Everybody: Watch this: tinyurl
.com/3eowo9l. Do this: tinyurl.com/4yntf8f.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
RE: the confidential vid
THE ASSAILANT VIOLATED THE SCHOOL’S BAN ON SEX-BASED HARASSMENT. Think about it… If the assailant had been white, and the victim had been black, and the victim was out about his sexual preference for white women, and this infuriated the white assailant, causing the white assailant to harass the black victim and subsequently violently assault the black victim, would that be SEXUAL PREFERENCE HARASSMENT? No, that would be race-based harassment. Similarly, the reason why this assailant harassed and assaulted the victim was because of his sex. The assailant has no problem with people who have a sexual preference for men UNLESS THOSE PEOPLE HAPPEN TO BE OF THE MALE SEX. No need to press for a sexual orientation rule (not that I’m against one); apply the existing rule.
To those who have unregistered comments blocked: TAFCA wrote in at 95/96 with how the issue was resolved. The boy would have been with the groom’s side, and not spent much time with the maid of honor, which is why Mom didn’t try to exclude him. Turns out the lad didn’t really want to participate (as Dan suggested), and opted out when given the choice. The little girl loves dressing up and big occasions, so slid over into the Frodo role. Now she will spend time with the groom’s party during rehearsals and such, and not with the bride’s side.
With a little communication, flexibility and honesty, everyone got what they wanted. Huzzah!
If the kids’ parents are upset with each other, the kids are likely upset. So whether or not they want to be in the wedding, it is at this point “at their expense”.
I love Dan, I quote him once a day at the least, but I think the advice to TAFCA shows that we should be careful about how much we project onto our kids when we make decisions about them. I was removed from my father’s second wedding as a kid, and never interpreted it as anything other than further abandonment, and a signal that we kids were getting in the way of his shiny brand new life. I felt like a used car. It’s just as likely that being in the wedding was reassuring and a signal to the little one that she was still important to her dad as that she secretly wanted out. She should have been asked in a child appropriate way, and been allowed to decide for herself.
That being said, Bride probably unwittingly was a big part of the problem here too. Why was her profession broadcast so widely before the event? When I invite my gay girlfriend to family events where I know that my uber-conservative inlaws will be, the invitation is extended to her, as her–not as my gay friend. I have to be conscious about not using her to make a statement about how liberal and progressive I am to the conservative jerks. She can come, or not–talk about being gay or not–bring a date or not. That is her choice, because I’m friends with her, not her orientation. Same should go for the sex worker. If she wants it out there, let her put it out there at the event herself. That’s not being ashamed of someone, it’s about not using their “alternativeness” to score cheap self-estem points about how enlightened you are.
The comments about the kids not wanting to be in the wedding struck me as a little puzzling but then, my sister and I were 4 and 7, respectively, when each of our biological parents were remarried (the weddings happened within a few months of each other). We were too young to be thinking much about the family politics and so of course we wanted to be in the weddings. I can see it being a bit different if they were teens, though I hadn’t thought of that since she used “kids.”
Anyway, as a child of a really messed-up divorce situation (notice how I said “biological parents” up there? yeah, I don’t have much of a relationship with my bio dad anymore, and for good reason) I would say that Dan’s advice is the advice to follow. Crazy, vengeful ex-spouses will use anything they can get against you and if you have the misfortune of having a conservative judge – because unfortunately, not all judges are as impartial as they’re supposed to be – it’ll be hard to argue against her. My bio dad regularly made shit up about my mom, just anything to try to get more custody and thus avoid paying child support. Luckily, the judge we had was on to his tricks, but we did have a few court-appointed counselors who were, say, religious and therefore more inclined to believe my bio dad because he went to church more often. If they can make an issue out of such stupid shit like that, they can definitely make a huge issue out of your BFF being a sex worker. I just wouldn’t risk it.
I disagree with your advice on WAR Dan. Having been in a couple of relationships that ended badly, I know a sincere apology can go far in healing an old hurt. His letter makes it sound like he played some mind games with her. I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that she’s a nutjob without all the facts and I’m guessing WAR knows the answer. And she might have an apology for him too. There’s nothing wrong with making amends.
WAMEA, Your man is out there, but Dan’s post was a little too optimistic. As some of the comments here show, lots of fags are just unable to grasp your disinterest in anal.
You haven’t had “good” anal, they say. You should be a top, they say.
If you’re like me, WAMEA, you don’t WANT to have good anal. There’s something about that that’s so condescending, like telling a gay man, “You just haven’t found the right woman.” Maybe it’s true, but I know with my feelings toward anal, I wouldn’t even be interested in finding out if it could be good—I don’t want anything in my ass and I don’t want to put anything in anyone else’s ass.
Dan’s statistics are encouraging for you, but don’t take too much comfort. Lots of gay men will claim not to be very into anal sex, but I can testify firsthand that at least some of them are lying. Keep this in mind.
Your man is out there, though. There are billions of people, and some of them are right for you.
To those saying the marrying couple shouldn’t have a fancy wedding at all because it’s his second: it’s obviously his second (or later), but it may well be her first. Why should *she* have to lose a chance at what may well have been something she’s dreamed of since she was a little girl because the groom’s already had one go-round?
If the children are old enough (12 or so), I’d ask *their* opinion about being in the wedding, possibly including a sanitized and nicer version of why this is an issue (possibly even as vague as “your mother has some concerns”–but try not to make their mom the “bad guy”, I know how much it sucks to have one parent bad-mouthing the other, Don’t Do That). I’d explicitly include the phrase “It’s OK if you don’t want to be in the wedding”, however.
If the kids were genuinely looking forward to being in the wedding, and they’re old enough that a judge would take their wishes into consideration in a custody arrangement, then it might be appropriate to either fight this or simply lie to the mother. Otherwise, this particular fight may not be worth the risk.
And I see my comment came after the issue was resolved. Huzzah! Everyone got what they wanted! And it may be that the kids’ mom *isn’t* crazypants, which is always good…
The following has nothing to do with Dan’s column and everything to do with my (negative) opinion of what’s become of the standard American wedding. For me, it has nothing to do with whether it’s a 1st or 2nd wedding, nothing to do with who’s a sex worker, nothing to do with religion or the sexes of the participants or what little girls dream about. My objection has to do with stratifying one’s friends and family.
The way it works these days is that one must choose people to play roles. There must be a mother of the bride, father of the bride who gives her away, a father of the groom, and a mother of the groom. If one of those people is absent through death, abandonment, divorce, or just a bad relationship, someone else must be found to play the role. If one of those roles would be better doubled as in the case of a step-parent the bride feels particularly close to or an older aunt/uncle, mentor, or friend the groom feels filial towards, then choices have to be made. You have to decide on who’s the real or better person to get the place of honor. It’s a competition.
Next comes the bridal party. You look at your close friends and decide who’s the best. That one gets to be the maid of honor or the best man. If you feel equally close to 2 possibilities, you can choose and hurt someone’s feelings, or you can double the role and hurt feelings again. Since the number of bridesmaids and groomsmen should be equal, you have another nightmare on your hands. What if he has 2 brothers he wants to honor, and she has a whole sorority? Other friends who don’t rate bridesmaid or groomsmen’s roles merely get invitations so they can all have hurt feelings about why they didn’t make the cut.
Then you have the invitations. You get to decide who is a close enough friend to get invited and who learns about the party they weren’t invited to from talk at work. But wait! There’s A lists and B lists. You invite the people you want first. They can wonder why they weren’t invited to be in the bridal party. If not enough RSVP, you can invite the B list. If a maid of honor drops out at the last minute, you can promote a bridesmaid. For the empty bridesmaid spot, you can promote an A list guest. That creates a place for a B list guest, and so on down the line until everyone you’ve ever known knows exactly how they rate in your esteem.
Someone will object by pointing out that she really does feel close to her parents and that she really does have a best friend she wants to be her maid of honor. As far as I’m concerned, that only makes it worse. I’m lucky enough to have a best friend. I prove that friendship daily by chatting, being supportive, visiting often, being wonderful to her children (whom I adore), and if I ever got married, I’d be pleased to invite her to a celebration. I would not put her in the position of knowing that she beat out my other close friends.
@61: I’m with @85 & @86: You sound like you need serious help.
@116 cockyballsup: I second that!!!
Crinoline, I don’t think these roles are all that new. Many cultures have a best man, or similar role–it’s now strictly a 21st century Western tradition. What might be different recently is that, as 1950’s style nuclear families are less the norm, there are more candidates for the roles. So, yes, choices are made–sometimes the choice is to split the role, or select one person for it, or to do away with it entirely. As long as people are honest, forthright, and kind to each other, that’s all we can ask. It’s only a competition if people make it one.
As to invitations, well, that’s always a problem with any social event–how big a guest list? Who do we invite? This is also not a new or recent phenomenon. As to inviting a ‘B list’ person at relatively the last minute, I agree that’s tacky, but how often does this happen, really?
Cockyballsup, weddings are not useless. Rituals are important to humans, and wedding rituals especially. I don’t know where you got the $20,000 figure, but–is there a magic number that would be an acceptable cost to you?
#115: Sounds like you got your feelings hurt at a wedding somewhere along the way.
Also: I haven’t been to a wedding like the one you describe in 20+ years. The behavior you’re describing sounds like high school drama. There must be this, there must be that. What is this “must” bullshit? Who are these people? Sounds like you’ve been watching too much “Bridezilla”.
“Your mission is to find a dominant, manly, bossy man with whom you’re sexually compatible, i.e., a bossy top who wants to fuck your throat, your fist, your clenched thighs, your Christmas ham—whatever—but not your ass.”
I am allergic to pineapple rings, cloves, and maraschino cherries. Way to go, Dan. Make me feel more marginalized than I already do. Just in time for the holidays.
“I want to know if she’s okay, if she’s on a good path, etc., but I don’t want to be her friend, or even see her in person ever again. When is it too soon to contact a crazy ex?”
So ask someone else. Never ever talk to her again directly for, preferably, the rest of your life.
That’s great #95/96. Nice to see you guys found a resolution that makes everyone happy.
Well, never thought about it that way, cockyballsup @116. Demographics are essential. In that case, I guess, it all depends on where WAMEA lives. Should we then recommend to him to open up for new possibilities? In the end, as you say, the deal breaks either way. More important yet: there are zero dominant gays replying yes to his letter, so I guess WAMEA has even less possibilities than Dan, myself and many others thought so… I guess it is 2011 already, but it seems to be more than just a stereotype when you try to combine no-anal plus long-term in a gay relationship.
@124 yes, but you left out one part…”when you try to combine no-anal plus long-term in a gay relationship [with an aggressive, dominant man].”
I’m pretty sure I’m in the minority on this, but I only read like 50 comments so I can’t be positive. But: 15 or so years ago, I was the flower girl at my dad’s marriage to my stepmom. I wasn’t particularly thrilled with the new-family dynamics and all that, but I think that, BECAUSE of my discomfort with the situation, getting removed from the ceremony might have made me feel not included- like a dispensable part of my dad’s “old family”- even more.
Just checking in with Savage Love, haven’t paid any attention for oh, a decade or so. Nope. Still don’t give a shit.
I was physically ill when my mom married my step dad. after the wedding I spent the rest of the night wrapped in a blanket and sleeping on a bench. To this day I remember the dress I had to wear and hate the color violet and the feel of Rayon, that was 20 years ago. Mom still thinks I had the flu, but I just hated her husband. I was too poliet to tell her I would rather spend the weekend with my dad then be in, at or around her wedding to that god awful man.
“I just went out with a man who kept referring to his “crazy ex” until, finally, I said, “look, why in the world do you even ATTRACT those sorts of people?”
rofl (irony meter a flaming wreck)
Dan, please don’t eat during your pod casts. Extremely annoying.
Dan, please don’t eat during your pod casts. Extremely annoying
@114, One person’s encouragement is another person’s undue optimism, but I suppose Dan could tell me the same.
In any event, I think your estimates are a little pessimistic. Let’s assume
– You’re in a metropolitan area with over a million people (the majority of Americans are in one of the over 50 areas bigger than this)
– Half of people are men.
– 3% of men are gay (this is the kind of number James Dobson would give. Pro-gay people usually throw out numbers an order of magnitude higher than this.)
– 15% of gay men are close to your age (this gives about five years either direction, depending on your age)
– We only want to consider the top-10% of body+personality matches.
1000000 * 0.5 * 0.03 * 0.15 * 0.1 = 225
Even if we tightened it up to 1% best matches (1% is really tight. Keep in mind about 1% of Americans think Mitt Romney is an American. About 1% of men are taller than Michael Jordan.) we come up with 23 in a rather small city. If someone lives somewhere smaller than Hartford or Buffalo and are gay, certain sex advice columnists would tell you to get out, and I’m prone to agree.
@133 — only 1% of Americans think Mitt Romney is an American? Are you including all of the Americas in your term “American”?
WAR while I really hate the way some guys deal with breakups and admire you for admitting what you did sucked and being introspective about it (how else do people learn other than &(^%ing up and trying to do better next time?), nothing excuses physical violence except self- or other person-defense from said violence. In other words, what your ex did to you was WORSE than what you did to her and you should really, really be glad to be free and clear of her. Consider you made a lucky escape. Do you understand that if you were a woman and her a man much stronger than you, you might be dead?
Re: the wedding. She’s the mom, she gets to decide whether she is ok with the sex worker being in the wedding. You should just politely tell her: “Ok, if you uncomfortable about it, I understand that the kids won’t be in the wedding”, provided your fiance is ok with it.
Despite poor TAFCA deserving the dream wedding she has always wanted (but let’s be honest, who ever really gets that?), this decision should really lie with the groom. Support him, because however hard this is for the fiance it is probably infinitely more difficult for him.
She should express she wants everyone to be in the wedding, but that this decision will influence how he interacts with his children, his ex, and potentially his custody rights for the future so she will support him no matter what. That will hopefully remove this from the potential ‘ex vs. fiance’ battle he is envisioning. If she is really worried she may need to put her foot down and say “yes, we will limit contact between my friend and the kids but I will never cut her out of my life.” But considering the groom didn’t seem to have an issue with the arrangement I’d assume he doesn’t see the escort friend as a moral threat.
Like basically everyone before me said: kids change the game. I was the pawn in my divorced parents’ little games and no one wins.
Late to the party, I know, but just gotta say two things:
–Having worked at an AIDS service organization some years ago, I have several friends from that job who are still involved with the MSM communities in their respective cities. One, who will be pursuing a Ph.D in a related field, cites research that only about 25% of men who identify as gay do anal activities. So WAMEA is not in a strange boat at all. Two men who love each other can find lots of things to do besides asspork.
–Maybe I’m missing something, but I fail to see how it’s any of TAFCA’s predecessor’s business what any of the wedding party do for a living.
agree with 137 for sure. 126–an interesting perspective.
great advice like usual dan 🙂
imprintbyeileen.etsy.com
137–amen! 126, a very interesting perspective.
great advice like usual dan!!
@127: So why’d you bother to post?
Wow. I hope the bride knows how lucky she is. Turns out, the mom just had moral issues about sex workers, and was truly concerned about influence and “sending a message that it is okay”
So, rather then what seemed most likely, that the mom was an angry controlling so and so, she was able to accommodate her by rational discussion. that is great and bodes well.
But I would have to say, just a guess, that the odds of this are about ten to one.
For the wedding, I agree with Dan. My ex did a similar power play – different rationale, but still about the kids being in the wedding. Various other power plays have occured over the years, and I suggest you yield on most of that stuff. I also suggest keeping a journal. Write down these things. I may never show it to my kids, but one day I informed my ex of the journal, and let me tell you, that was a real mind fuck for her.
@144: “Wow. I hope the bride knows how lucky she is. Turns out, the mom just had moral issues about sex workers, and was truly concerned about influence and “sending a message that it is okay””
I wasn’t aware that sex worker was transmitted through proximity.
I’m always curious why people feel the need to include kids, period, in the wedding party.
Call me a little crazy, but my SO and I chose specifically NOT to include kids in our ceremony because we didn’t want to deal with the wrangling issues on that day. First wedding, second wedding, third wedding, whatever. We were barely capable of handling ourselves, much less trying to watch what the hell the kids did.
I understand not everyone thinks this way, and that realistically, more people feel that the role of the ring bearer and flower girls are intended to signify future progeny, etc, etc, etc, but come on. Every wedding with kids in it that I’ve been to inevitably has a child meltdown in the middle of it.
I’m not entirely sure why the bride felt it necessary to divulge her maid of honor’s profession to the ex-wife, or why that cat got out of the bag (or hell, it begs the question of who let it out in the first place). Truthfully, I’d be more concerned about having a former subprime mortgage broker who faked applications in the wedding party than an escort on a sheer basis of morality.
If the bride is inflexible on her choice of the maid of honor and the ex-wife is inflexible on her daughter’s participation in the ceremony, I foresee lots of exciting times for this potential future family. Mainly because when the Bride matches up against the Ex, the Bride wins. And in this case, if the Bride wins, the Bride alienates her potential kids.
One just hopes the Bride and her guy handle the breaking news to the kids with more tact than they handled the divulgance of the best friend’s profession to the ex-wife.
@174, your comment makes no sense Are you talking about influence? That absolutely transfers through proximity. Assuming the daughter knew she was a sex worker, which is unlikely, she could perhaps influence the daughter via proximity and socializing. If the mom was worried about that, I can understand. Seems far fetched, but I could understand her feelings.
@145: Are you dog-panting-for-Sarah Palin nuts?? Please say you’re being sarcastic here, Hunter78!
From what I’ve seen, Republicans want, if anything, to KILL sex (see “Abstinence-only”), unless you’re solely into vanilla missionary and ONLY missionary frat-boy style.
Thanks, but no thanks. I’m not into Greg Marmalarde.
OR Eric Stratten.
So glad to hear TAFCA’s situation was resolved amiably!
The discussion on children’s involvement in subsequent weddings got me thinking about my own experience, so I thought I’d share it. My parents divorced around the time I turned 8, and my mother came out as a lesbian soon afterward. About 5 months after my dad moved out, her girlfriend moved in (they’d been seeing each other for most of a year, since my parents had agreed before the divorce plans were finalized that they were free to see other people, but I of course didn’t know this at the time). She’s a lovely person, but I always resented the timing a little bit, and really wasn’t too into having a step parent at all.
When I was 14, my mom and her girlfriend decided to get married (this was pre-legal same sex marriage even in Massachusetts where we live, but we’re Reconstructionist Jews, and our progressive lady Rabbi was more than happy to conduct the ceremony), and worked me into the ceremony without really asking me–I even remember, at one point, my mom expressing surprise that I didn’t feel “honored” to be given responsibilities. Intellectually, I was all for the wedding: they’re a wonderful couple who bring out great things in one another, they were truly together for life, and they had every right to celebrate that relationship with the community. But as a not-quite-over-it 14 year old child of divorce, once the actual ceremony came, it really did feel like my mom was moving on from the part of her life where I was central, and I resented it, probably more so due to my shoehorned participation. After the wedding, I had a long talk with my dad about it and decided to start spending more time at his house and less at my mom’s. The whole re-marriage was uncomfortable for me, participating all the more so.
Two years later, once same-sex partners could marry legally here, my mom and stepmother had a quiet ceremony at home, just the three of us (and a nice gay justice of the peace) to sign the marriage certificate and commemorate the state’s recognition of their existing bond. That one went over fine, and I was happy to be a part of it because I felt like a valued family member, rather than a prop, and I had been invited, rather than expected to take part.
Clearly, kids are all over the place in their comfort levels and desire for involvement. TAFCA’s problem was mostly resolved just by figuring out what the children in question (as well as the ex, in this case) really wanted.
@152 Hunter78: Uh, if you’re talking about typically stupid, overly media-hyped sex scandals….yes.
Otherwise, not really, no.
Are you SURE you’re not just joking around?
@Hunter78: By the way, I don’t have a TV, and don’t miss the political mudslinging.
WAR is a controlling, abusive, asshole. I hope he reads this and understands that I and several of the people commenting saw right through his bullshit. Seek therapy, and quit putting yourself out there until you are ready to treat a woman properly.
@156: Good point, sounds like there’s a lot of subtext missing here. He’s going to contact her, no matter what.
Ah… you know, if my BFF were getting married and me being in the wedding party would either mean that a)my BFF’s fiance could lose custody of his children or b)my BFF’s children would miss their father’s wedding (if the kids even want to go; has anyone asked them?), all due to my employment in the sex industry, well, I would graciously step out of the wedding party. Grownups are supposed to be the ones to make sacrifices like this, not children. The reality is that BFF is an escort and sadly, that profession isn’t exactly a well-respected one. Is that fair? No, but life seldom is. My personal opinion is that the kids’ dad needs to sit down with them and ask them if they want to be a part of the wedding, or if they would rather come to the reception and celebrate the new marriage there. If the kids want to be present at the ceremony, then the bride really needs to talk to her BFF and tell her what’s going on, castigating the ex for the bitchqueen skank she is. I would be shocked if the BFF didn’t offer to step out of the wedding party.
WAR is a manipulator. He writes in because he just wants to get Dan’s blessing that it’s ok to make sure she’s all right. What a load of BS! Most think it’s the crazy woman’s fault; no one blames the manipulator who understands only too well that the most effective kind of behavior modification is providing a variable schedule of reward. WAR needs to check in with a counselor to see what makes him want to control people and the woman needs to check with a counselor to see what she can do to improve her self image and defuse the anger.
In re WAR: Dan Savage, I love your wisdom but sometimes you’re too damn sane. For instance, you don’t consider the possibility that the pull of a crazy ex — or the glue of a douchebag who should be one — is often a psychological/physiological compulsion akin to drug or alcohol addiction. You can’t logic a person out of it any easier than you can logic them away from a crack pipe.
But I admire you for trying 🙂 – Ethlie Ann Vare, author of LOVE ADDICT: SEX, ROMANCE AND OTHER DANGEROUS DRUGS