I’m 21 years old and in a monogamous relationship. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend, and it was a really great experience. I was drawn to BDSM even before I began having sex, and he’s been happily fulfilling my needs. However, he revealed fairly early on that he also enjoys being submissive during sex. I asked him to explain what sort of dominance he was looking for, but he said he’d rather show me. Recently he tried to steer a sex session in that direction—me dominating him—but I felt nervous and self-conscious. I felt like I was failing a pop quiz. How do I become more comfortable with being a dom? Any tips for first-time doms? Or am I just not cut out for this?
Not Quite A Dom
There are a lot of skilled, confident BDSM tops out there—people who are exclusively dominant or switch—who got into it for the same reason you’ve started to explore your dominant side, NQAD: to please a submissive and/or switch partner.
But “show me” is not how a couple incorporates BDSM into their sex life. Maybe he’s having a hard time articulating his desires because he’s shy, or maybe he’s insecure, or maybe he mistakenly believes that sex—even logistically complicated sex—should just “happen naturally.”
So here’s my first tip: Force him to talk about what sort of BDSM or D/s play he’s interested in. A lot can be assumed during a strictly vanilla sexual encounter—far too much is assumed, far too often—but what goes on during a sexual encounter involving BDSM has to be specifically and explicitly negotiated. If he’s too shy to have a face-to-face conversation about his kinks, do it over e-mail. If he doesn’t feel comfortable sending e-mails (they live forever on a server, they can be forwarded), tell him to write you a letter, read it in his presence, then tear it up.
Second tip: The less a newbie dom has to fake during BDSM sex, NQAD, the less daunting the role feels. Instead of pretending that you’re a menacing and experienced dom, incorporate what’s really going on—your boyfriend is so submissive that he’s submitting to his submissive girlfriend, and how perverted is that?—into your play and dirty talk. Then your unfamiliarity with the dom role becomes something you’re bringing to the scene, NQAD, not something that’s causing you to fail at it.
Third tip: A blindfold is an inexperienced dom’s best friend. Not ready to visit your local BDSM sex shoppe? An ACE bandage will do the trick. You’ll feel much less self-conscious if he can’t see you fumbling with rope, suppressing a nervous giggle, or searching high and low for a mislaid key to the handcuffs.
I recently made friends with a guy who is in his first sexual relationship. He comes to me, his best male buddy, with questions, and I try to make sure he’s informed and being safe. But he’s asked me a question about oral sex that I don’t know how to answer. What is a man supposed to do when he’s about to ejaculate during oral sex? I feel like there should be a polite version of “Where do you want it?” that a guy can say to a woman, but I’ll be damned if I can think of it.
Sexual Advice Xactly Our Need
When your friend is getting close—when he’s approaching “orgasmic inevitability,” as the sex researchers call it—he should say, “I’m getting close.” (Duh, right?) And just as he’s passing the point of orgasmic inevitability—his mother kicking down the bedroom door and leading a SWAT team into the room couldn’t keep him from ejaculating—he should say, “I’m coming.”
At that moment, the blowjob bestower—your friend’s new GF, in this case—can remove the dick from her mouth and point it at her tits or over her shoulder or at his mother. Or she can leave it in her mouth, let him come, and then decide if she wants to spit or swallow. She’s the decider.
I’m a 24-year-old straight girl, and vaginal sex does nothing for me. I’ve never been molested and I don’t take pills. I feel sexual pleasure in other parts of my body and experience clitoral orgasms, but as far as getting fucked by a dick goes, it’s about as interesting as a finger in a fist. Through googling, I’ve found others with this issue, and the general response to us seems to be that it’s a surmountable mental problem—which is vague and unhelpful.
So I’m asking for the opposite. Is there scientific research about this? Is there hope? Or do I just have to learn to deal? It is lonely and depressing to experience the gold standard that is vaginal sex as a kind of animate masturbatory aid. Also, at what point do I tell my partners I have this malfunction?
Wrong Type Freak
“I’d recommend that she spend some time exploring her vagina, trying different positions, experimenting with placing pressure on the posterior and anterior walls of her vagina, and with friction on her cervix,” says Meredith Chivers, an assistant professor of psychology, a clinical psychologist, and a sexuality researcher at Queens University in Kingston, Ontario. “The best position to do all this is with her on top, controlling the speed, depth, and trajectory—for lack of a better word—of the thrusts, and pairing this with clitoral stimulation.”
If you decide to give vaginal intercourse another shot, Chivers also recommends that you warm up with lots of oral sex, toys, masturbation, and the other stuff you enjoy. That way you’ll be “engorged, erect, and lubricated, and subjectively turned on” before penetration.
Chivers also wonders if you’ve discovered your G-spot. “If she hasn’t found her G-spot, finding it might be a watershed moment,” says Chivers. “For some women, G-spot stim is associated with experiencing intense ‘vaginal’ orgasms and ejaculating.” Finding the G-spot can be tricky, Chivers adds, and it’s best to attempt it when you’re very aroused. “Stimulate the anterior wall of the vagina (side nearest the belly button) about five centimeters in,” says Chivers, by using a “come here” motion with the index finger.
And if you try all of that—or if you’ve already tried that—and it doesn’t work?
“Perhaps it simply is the case that for her, like a substantial minority of women, vaginal penetration is not all that fulfilling,” says Chivers. “If so, I would strongly recommend that she reinterpret her lack of interest in vaginal sex as a preference—one that is not uncommon—and not a malfunction.”
“As for telling her partners,” says Chivers, “I suppose it depends on the nature of the relationship and whether or not she’s willing to be GGG and have vaginal sex to satisfy her partner, even though this may not be her first choice on the menu.”
In other words, WTF, if penetration doesn’t cause you emotional or physical distress—if it’s something you can take or leave—tell a new partner early on about your strong preference for other forms of sex. Then indulge the dude in vaginal intercourse when you’re up for it, or he’s desperate for it, while incorporating lots of clitoral stimulation during the act.
Meredith Chivers tweets on sex and gender research, sociopolitical issues relating to sexual and gender minorities, and psych research in general. Follow Chivers—and learn from her—on Twitter @QSagelab. (And you can follow me at @fakedansavage.) 
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Some advice to WTF:
Explore. Try everything. And in every combination (sometime G-spots don’t wake up until after some oral).
Try everything by yourself. And then try it again with a (communicative) partner. Things could change. Significantly. There is a neurological basis for experiencing the touch of another person in a different way that one does their own. I call your attention to “The Stranger” (not this weekly), as a manifestation of that principle.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.ph…
Just like WTF, PIV sex does nothing for me. The only type of sex that makes me orgasm is anal (combined w/ clit touching). On my own, a vibrator or clit touching works. I don’t know if my partners have just been incompetent, or if PIV and oral sex just don’t do it for me. I’m kind of jealous of all the comments from people with awesome sex lives. What can I try to make sex more worthwhile? How does the girl on top position help? If you’re aiming the penis towards the front of the vaginal wall, does that mean you don’t take the whole thing in? Readers, are there any recommended sources of information to make sex more pleasurable for a woman?
100- Mydriasis– I’m catching up here, just reread your comment, and didn’t catch the first time how very funny it is. Yes. Pseudointellectual types and oral sex. True, true, politically incorrect, and true. But then, I’ve run into the sensitive and enlightened convincees who were terrible at oral sex too.
133- Married in MA– I’d love a definition of nerd. From what I can tell, it means: inclined towards engineering and the sciences, not terrific in the social graces that make one popular in high school, and awkward and shy in bed. Big Bang Theory has capitalized on the stereotypes. I love the show. But it’s hard to draw any conclusions about nerds and sexual competence. The logic becomes circular.
138- Mydriasis again– Here’s what scary about intellect. “I’m about to look stupid and become uncomfortable. Those are frightening feelings.” Shutting up and looking pretty is a sensible tactic rather than trying to reason with the unreasonable. I mean, how much fun is it to talk to someone who’s not understanding? When I’m babysitting, I play kid games. I don’t try to talk to them about physics. (Though I have been known to show children mobius strips with their rounded scissors and tape.)
I like to think of myself as a pretty considerate blowjob receiver. As a younger, less experienced gentleman I used to just reach down and pull my dick out of the lovely young woman’s mouth at the “moment of truth” and spunk on my belly unless she expressed an interest in tasting my load. Now that I’m more experienced, confident and mature I’ll discuss where to put my seed before it becomes an issue. Also, I’m pretty verbal so it’s kinda obvious when I’m going to launch. I’ll give the “I’m going to cum” warning pretty early so she can stop should she have other desires/needs that can’t wait the 5-10 minutes it takes me to get hard again. Another “Oh! Fuck! This is it Baby!” or “Here comes the gravy!” warning about 0.5 seconds before launch gives a new partner the option of bailing out. Luckily, my last few partners have been greedy little swallowers, because that’s just fucking hot!
@152 A possibility for gal on top…
Move in forward/back circular motion–I guess it would be in an elliptical shape (ooh, I should get nerd cred for that)–with the ride “up” on the back part of the circle, down on the forward, kegeling up (“squeezing” inward) on the way “up” and back, kegeling down (pushing down) on the way forward and back down. This would be pretty slow, obviously, since you’re doing so much…
Myself, I tend to move slower on the up motion just cuz I have a blast torturing both myself and the guy. If he’s not too distracted, have him rub your clit in the process.
Yeehaw.
@157: No, that would be e-hip-tical. Oral sex would be elliptical.
@138: There are two basic angles on “scary smart”:
a) a colloquial (if a bit inaccurate) way to say astonishingly, preternaturally smart; usually said as a form of admiration.
b) someone perceiving themselves as of comparatively lower intelligence in an interaction, feeling insecure, and not wishing to be condescended to or otherwise made to look foolish (not that scary smart people _ever_ behave that way towards lesser mortals, no ma’am…); usually said in anything from grudging admiration to hostility.
@138, 155: I think the problem with intellect is not so much with intellect as with how important said intellect is to its possessor. If s/he defines his/her soul as ‘one who has intellect’, then the threat of losing that (oh so important) part of oneself has important consequences for sexual behavior. It’s a bit like those who need to be in control: they either can’t let go of it or, if they do, they’re suddenly afraid like children.
Unless you want to antagonize, adjusting yourself to the person you’re with is indeed polite and keeps things peaceful. And it can be by itself interesting. I’ve had quite interesting and intense, albeit not intellectually challenging, conversations with 5-year-olds, or with illiterate gold miners in the Amazon. They’re just as good, in their own way, as thought-provoking dialogues about Bell’s experiment or Einstein’s cosmological constant.
@Married in MA
Do you see what you did? You tricked me into “outing” myself and now I’m super uncomfortable. :p
@Avast.
I gotcha. But when you see people use “scary” which has both connotations rather than any of the other words which only have the first connotation it starts to concern you. Plus there’s the cliche that men are intimidated by intelligence. The idea that anyone could be intimidated by me kind of annoys me.
@ankylosaur
I think that’s generally true. I don’t personally define myself that way (I probably would have been better off not even admitting it, at all actually) but I don’t judge people who do.
I don’t think we really spend a lot of time consciously choosing what we’re defined by. Up until several years ago I defined myself that way too – that’s what happens when for as far back as you can remember everyone reacts most to that part of you. I mean, if ALL you ever hear about yourself growing up is that you’re intelligent. Well, that sticks with you. If you spend a good chunk of your life with other people deciding that’s your identity, it’s not always natural to define yourself by qualities no one ever thought to notice.
This wasn’t entirely the case with me, but still. I think with males it’s especially bad.
Adjusting yourself is great and I do it all the time – this is another reason I’m lucky to be female since I find a lot of guys don’t do this so well – BUT when you are doing it day in and day out it starts to become habit.
I wonder sometimes if I’m able to come off at my actual intelligence level since I’m so trained at dumbing myself down. I actually don’t even notice when I’m doing it sometimes. Oh well.
@155,
I would define nerd Vs intellectual as being primarily a degree of focus. Secondarily, intellectual tends to be associated with the humanities. I don’t think the terms are mutually exclusive. SO, I think there could be poetry nerds, for example. It doesn’t mean intellectuals lack focus, just that a nerd is highly focused, usually on a single area or topic. And thus arises the likely source of nerd stereotype: everything outside of their focus loses importance, including personal appearance and, sometimes, human interactions. I would also, as someone labelled a nerd due to my interest in Science, like to consider an intellectual as someone devoted to consideration, contemplation, and integration of information. While I am relatively deficient in knowledge of literature, I would argue that the breadth of knowledge encompassed by Science and Engineering (and to a lesser extent history and political science) and my (at times) dapper wardrobe should qualify me as an intellectual. The sum and total of human knowledge is wonderfully diverse, and pissing wars about what knowledge is “better” is at best a waste of time.
Going to the “smart is scary” meme brings us to Nebishy Excluded Reviled Drudges that most of US society likes to attack in youth and to later pay large sums of money to to enhance their lives. It is pitiful to observe the extent of conformity that our so called free society enforces upon the people that truly wish to be free in thought, word, and deed. As an intellectual I welcome new and different points of view and information, even if to ultimately reject them as incorrect, because ignorance is truly the most dangerous state to maintain. And so therefor goes intolerance, protector of the mean, damner of the possible. And, as a formerly bullied nerd, I fucking hate that with a passion. I want to be the person I want to be, and I demand the same for my family, friends, and community. Besides, smart is sexy;-)
Peace.
@79 late to the party, but I had to agree with you on working the spot using your middle finger. It might be initially easier to find with the index finger, but you don’t get the leverage and control in the g-spot region.
Bonus tip: using your middle finger means you can reach up with your thumb and work her clit while you rub the g-spot. Just be careful of hand cramps, especially when she’s in the throes of passion and refuses to let you stop 🙂
Comment 1 (of 4), split so that the message doesn’t get lost in a sea of TL;DR:
I just reread WTF’s letter and have to focus on the two defining parts of it, namely that she’s not feeling what makes PIV the “gold standard” of sex and, precisely because she’s not feeling it, her conclusion that she must be “malformed” and has an obligation to inform her future partners of her presumably non-reacting vagina.
My heart cries out for WTF and her lack of education, too much of it from deliberate prejudice and prolonged societal ignorance.
Then, in an illogical counter to her experience so far, WTF is surrounded by messages of how amazing PIV is, these messages usually embedded in romance novels and traditional Hollywood films. Or, worse, an integral component of most porn where, when a guy whips it out, a woman is already thrashing about on the bed, awaiting the ultimate sexual act.
WTF, as others have pointed out, your body already works. It gives you pleasure and you are experiencing orgasms, via your clitoris, the ONLY organ in the human body whose sole purpose is sexual pleasure.
Please reject out loud any criticism you may receive (aloud or implied) from your partners, in the form of “My last girlfriend didn’t need all this extra stuff. What’s wrong with you?” or “Why is it taking you so long? My last partner….” And faking an orgasm is not your friend (nor educational for your partner and his misconceptions).
You may want to turn a deaf ear also to those who believe they are empowering you with the manifesto that Every woman can learn to experience … ejaculation, g-spot orgasms, vaginal orgasms, multiple orgasms, etc. But that’s not empowering, that’s only putting pressure on you to conform to someone else’s agenda. Anorgasmic women are now called “pre-orgasmic” as if an orgasm is inevitable. Me, I still call it pressure.
Right now, YOU are the ONLY expert on YOUR own body. Do you know everything about it? No, of course not. But that doesn’t stop you from progressing past your first belt (as in martial arts), learning and training until you achieve the next belt up.
Comment 2 (of 4):
There are new and amazing books published each year about sexuality because of what scientists are constantly discovering. Don’t look at these online. You need to get yourself over to a real, large bookstore with many books on sex (even if it’s in another town or city). Flip through the covers. Intuit what message the books are conveying. If you don’t feel ready to buy or simply feel overwhelmed by all of the knowledge surrounding you, then jot down the names of several most recently published authors and titles and, when you get home, look them up online. When you’ve decided, then order them online, if that’s easier. One of my fave authors is Lou Paget, a sex educator who has written many factual books aimed at both men and women with the goal of making sex good, fun, and exciting for both.
[OTOH, I simply have to give this example of a bad book. Many (too many) decades ago when I was still a stranger to partnered sex, I read what was considered to be THE (very shocking) manual of oral sex (aimed at both men and women). For men performing oral sex on women, they were advised they’d have to do it for a very long time and to be prepared for that exhausting eventuality. What was that very long time? Five! Whole! Minutes! Can you believe what a woman who read that passage would think if she was unable to reach orgasm unless it was in 10-25-45 minutes? Or, worse, not at all? That there was something wrong with her.]
WTF, beyond getting a few good books, invest in a couple of dildoes. They shouldn’t be porn-star or even necessarily human sized, but one of them should be labelled for stimulating your g-spot. It’ll be curved. Get relaxed, have one or two of your regular, clitoral orgasms and then begin to explore. Try different body positions, angles and pressure. If you don’t feel anything at first, that may be because of the unfamiliarity factor. Concentrate on just inside the opening to your vagina. Or squeeze your kegel muscles around the object inside of you. That’s something that you can do with a partner and it’s fun to have that kind of non-threatening control over a penis. See how the kegels make you feel. Have a clitoral orgasm while the dildo is inside you.
Comment 3 (of 4):
Of course, practising with a dildo is fun and educational, but you won’t really know what works or not unless you try it with a partner and his penis. There are so many dizzying positions for PIV, they make me dizzy! AFAIC, the best site for PIV positions is http://www.sexinfo101.com where you’ll find CG moving images of couples. My two particular faves are “deck chair” and “folded deck chair”. ::gets distracted with a dreamy look on face:: Uh … where was I? Oh, yes. I’m sure you’ll be surprised and delighted to experiment to see whether different positions provide you with more stimulation during PIV. Some positions are terrific for lazy, languid sex, others get a lot more vigorous and forceful (one body slapping against the other, always a fun sound).
Many women report that one partner’s penis satisfies them while another does not. That can be due to the difference in sizes and shapes. Of course, if you like/love a particular partner, you’ll have no control over the size and shape of his penis, so it’s invaluable to try many different positions to see if your equipment + his equipment + position XYZ = wow factor.
Another source of pleasure may be the anus, surrounded by many sensitive nerve endings. Stimulate it with a finger, toy or penis to see if that provides you with more pleasure while connected. For some women, anal sex is one way they do derive stimulation of their g-spots. Or try double penetration (dildo in one, penis in the other) for a fuller experience.
There is also anecdotal (I’ll definitely vouch for it!) if not scientific evidence that the network of sexual nerves and pathways expands and becomes more enriched and sensitive the older a woman gets. So, what you may not have now may be possible in time.
However, let’s say that the years have gone by. You’ve done your personal homework, tried many different positions or even different partners. But still that goal of a vaginal orgasm (or just vaginal comfort and a good overall feeling) eludes you. If it does, then that’s the way it is for you in particular. However, as you’ve already demonstrated, you’ve been having pleasure from delightful clitoral orgasms all these years. Have you explored them fully? How many can you have in a row (unless you’re too sore)? In one day (until you fall asleep from exhaustion)? Or can you have a more explosive one with the practice of edging (where you get close but then ease off, several times), with the intent of building to a more shattering, explosive orgasm. Of course, your body may become pissed at you and send you a don’t-do-that-again message by leaving you with a piddling, insignificant orgasm. Still, you won’t know unless you try-try-try.
Comment 4 (of 4):
It’s too bad that the straight community never had the equivalent of a hanky code to indicate immediately what their fave sexual activities are. So that means that people have to actually communicate with each other. Or draft a Venn diagram where – one hopes – the area of overlapping activities will leave both satisfied, while they can engage generously (be GGG) in giving and receiving of the other activities.
Who knows, WTF. You may also find a someone (or several someones) for whom PIV is not the most important or frequent activity. Whether you do or not, that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy the emotional and physical connection of your bodies, him deep within you, even if all you both do is laugh between thrusts. Just remember, as others have indicated above, what works for one man or one woman is not a blueprint of what will or should work for all. Each person – each body – will be a learning opportunity and experience.
I wish you much happiness and joy in further exploration of your amazing and unique body. Do not allow anybody to tell you that you don’t have the right to experience pleasure at your own pace and control.
One final thought: WTF may have written in to Dan deliberately, because – at least from a gay man with no personal interest in straight sexuality – she hoped she would not get a female-parts-were-made-by-God-to-fit-perfectly-with-male-parts message (gee, where have I heard that one before ::rolls eyes::) or, “If it’s good for a man, then it must automatically be good for a woman” response.
Ms Driasis – Now I’m getting a sort of fictional vision of you and someone of comparable intelligence both dumbing yourselves down, each trying to suit an estimate of the other, only I can’t decide whether it just goes down one level and then stops or whether it spirals until you actually both find it sticks and lose intelligence. My compliments for something intriguing.
Ms Helenka – I applaud your conclusion.
@170 (vennominon)
I decided to stay in and write that … whole bunch of words instead of going out and enjoying a rare bit of sunshine.
Thank you for that applause.
::takes a bow::
@mydriasis, I have also for quite a while identified myself by my smarts — I was best student in my highschool, got first place in the university admittance exam, was first selected for a Ph.D. program, etc. etc. etc. For quite a while it seemed to me that the only way I was going to be able to relate to people was via my smarts; that the only reason why anyone would ever like, perchance love, me was because I was smart.
As if I hated everything else about me, except how good I was at learning things. And what could be nerdier than that? 🙂
After a while, and with the help of other people (among which several very important women), this changed. A strange story in itself.
I agree most men are not as good at adjusting to a situation as most women. But I’ll say this is what they’re told to do, too. You have to be dominant, to be the leader, to show strength. You don’t do that by deferring to others. If you do in an obvious way, you sound like a brown-noser. Brown-noser, pussy-whipped, touchy-feely type… bad words used for men that do adjust themselves to their conversation partners, ahn?
Maybe at some point more men will learn to dance the dance of the other without insisting so much on the self. Weirdest things have happened. 🙂
If you feel you’re dumbing yourself down too often, though — that you sometimes don’t even realize when it’s happening… then that would be sad. Hopefully you don’t feel that way here? SLOG is not bad on intelligent women, I hope?
One’s inner star should shine for oneself, not for the effects (good or bad) on others.
@167 (Helenka), as a man who isn’t all that into PIV sex (it’s at the bottom of my list of pleasant activities, and I usually engage in it at the behest of my female partner), I’d like to confirm the idea that there are guys out there who aren’t so much into PIV. Maybe finding someone like this will be better for the LW.
But I do hear in her letter a certain concern for things she might be missing out on — and it is true that getting to know more about her body might make her see orgasmic possibilities that had hitherto remained closed. Both paths remain open.
Mr Ven, your idea based on mydriasis’ comment sounds like a good script for a romantic comedy. Who would you cast in the main roles, and how would you direct the scene in which each pretends to be less smart than s/he is because of the (false) impression that the other is less smart than s/he is? 🙂 (I was thinking maybe a younger Hugh Grant and Keira Knightley?)
@173 (ankylosaur)
Oh, I don’t doubt that there are men and women who both don’t particularly believe that PIV is (or should be) the ultimate expression of their sexual union. And it feels good to reveal another secret, that people may engage in PIV but neither has an orgasm from/during it. It’s just fun (I know, I keep insisting that sex BE fun and that’s my agenda!) to have as a part of one’s sexual repertoire.
@118: You sound like you know what you want.
@175(Helenka), I totally agree. Many of the women I’ve been with told me (and some of the women here agreed) that they don’t have orgasms from penetration but that it feels good to do it (sometimes it doesn’t feel like ‘sex’ has happened if this item hasn’t been checked on the clipboard).
I firmly believe sex should be fun; I tend to agree with Svutlana on that, it should be on everybody’s agenda. The Western culture tries to make it way too serious — be it as a health concern, as a Big Important Topic That Defines Your Life, or as the deepest expression of being human, …. (to say nothing of the negative attitudes to it, alas! that see it as Satan’s biggest trick to turn us away from virtue, etc.). I hope that, as sex normalizes in our society, this will be less and less often the case.
@118, not insensitive, just a little slow sometimes. 🙂
@178: Touche! 🙂
@133 I think it’s a shame when that happens. I’ve always been attracted to intelligence and was considered quite the geek in high school. I was near the top of my class, but due to various outside issues, never able to finish college.
It’s been my experience that there are two types of smart men. The kind that want to share their knowledge, and the kind that want to lord it over you as a way of being “better”. I’ve always loved to learn new things, and I’ll admit to being somewhat intimidated when someone is so knowledgeable on a subject that it makes me feel as though I know nothing. But depending on which type of intellectual you’re dealing with it can either be an amazing or horrible experience.
Every time I speak to someone with a high intelligence that likes to share their knowledge, I expect them to take into account my limited expertise on the topic (just as I would when explaining something to someone else), but not to “dumb themselves down”. If you’re dealing with people who are intelligent, but not necessarily knowledgeable, you can share that knowledge. Perhaps if you’re dealing with a moron that’s not an option, but I try not to date those.
to WTF: try anal.
Re: The intelligence and nerdiness discussion–
So many false dichotomies in our society. I was taught from an early age that I could be smart or beautiful, and I didn’t want to be beautiful because that meant I had to be shallow and giggly and only care about new clothes and gossip. It took me a long time in my adult life to reject that message.
There’s also this idea that one can be intellectual or emotional. (Look at all the body-or-mind or spirit-versus-the flesh religious poetry going back centuries. The moral was always that after a struggle, the spiritual won out and it was worth it.) From there, it’s not a great leap to decide that a smart guy can’t be emotional and therefore can’t be receptive and responsive sexually. If we grew up in this culture, we’re somehow pre-programmed to believe that the smart nerdy guy CAN’T be any good in bed. If he were, he wouldn’t be smart and nerdy. The converse is just as untrue and harmful. That’s the stereotype of the dumb jock, the fantastic lay, who must be an idiot by virtue of the fact that women like to sleep with him.
@182, indeed. I’d only add that some people do cultivate such images, they identify with them — they buy into the dumb-jock-as-fantastic-lay idea and live it.
Which is why it’s more of a personality trait to me than real possession of knowledge. I’ve seen people who were rather proud of arrogant about knowledge that was, all in all, rather limited, while other much more knowledgeable people aroudn them were actually open and ‘nicer’. Looks like people choose the roles they like to play, and adapt accordingly — be it by pretending they have more knowledge than they do, or less.
Mr Ank – Phoebe Nicholls (based on her Cordelia Flyte) and a Rupert of one’s preference. But I can’t think about how it would go or the idea will dig in too deeply and force me to work it out completely.
My S.O. and I have a simple way of communicating: Any negative statement means the exact opposite. Such as, “Please don’t whip me!” or “You’d better not tie me up!” (the spitfire attitude justifies the bondage. We also sketch out the scene in advance, such as, “The Maid has been very slovenly–better get on her case,”
@25: You’re lucky.
I’m a straight dude. I get kinda envious of women’s intense orgasms (G-spot, etc). Don’t get me wrong, I love having sex and orgasms…. but women seem to have “better” more intense orgasms. I guess I have vagina envy.
@perverse
Right before my period, I’m a rampaging horndog and penetration feels WAY better than usual (sometimes I need penetration to get off – even though my actual orgasms come from external clitoral stimulation). Also, my usual dominant tendencies get magnified and I become all aggressive and bitey.
Me too! I’ve noticed it more now that I’m in my mid 30s. It never ceases to amaze me how animalistic I become then.
…and some people know they’re only operating at 300BAUD but perch on the “edge of glory” as it were – able to see to the other side without really being able to participate. We like discussing the ideas more than reading them because we quickly get swamped and look for context to help figure it out as best as we can comprehend. I can get happily lost contemplating the Sapier-Whorf discussions and nothing would be more “intellectually orgasmic” than to discuss it with someone who really knew the topic and could give voice to thoughts I’ve only half-thunk… but they’re often convinced early on that I’m a poseur and not worth talking to.
Damn.
Be kind to numbskulls – we can’t pick our IQ. If we’re clutzy as we segue into the topic we’re eager to discuss with you Great Minds, can you have a heart and humor us?
And why are most of the most brilliant minds I know so eager to distance themselves with drugs? I’d kill for the brain cells they negligently slaughter.
Guess the grass is always greener.
IDIC
@Hunter
Me neither, but I’ve heard rumours. *shrug*
As for what women want – fuck if I know. I think those things are on there, probably along with well dressed.
I tend to dislike most of the things most women like in a man.
For the 24 Year Old Straight Girl- I am 19 and I am the same way. I have found that lots of four play with a vibrator is great. ( so you can get your kicks in before he does) And vibrating cock rings are gods gift to women!! It turns his dick into a dildo I swear!! As for the when should you tell him thing…FAKE IT!! Im sorry but boys get their feelings hurt too much if you tell them that they cant make you cum.
Hope this helps.
189– What is girly?
At its best, the stereotype for women is that they’re sympathetic, good listeners, good in the arts, good communicators, nicely groomed.
At its worst, the stereotype for women is that they’re shallow, dumb, overly concerned with appearance such as to notice hair, make-up and clothes, terrible in the maths and sciences, unassertive to the point of being doormats, hysterical in a crisis, talkative and silly.
When a man says he likes a woman to be “girly,” let’s hope he means the former list.
At its best, the stereotype for men is that they’re able to keep calm in a crisis in order to take the best action, excellent in the maths and sciences, intelligent, strong, confident.
At its worst, the stereotype for men is that they’re insensitive, crude, only interested in sports and fart jokes.
Let’s hope that women are primarily interested in the former list for men.
But let’s face it, there’s enough variability in what attracts any of us, and there’s enough overlap between all of the lists, as to cause confusion in what anyone is looking for.
@192 – “Four play” with a vibrator – is that Freudian spelling?
@192 You suck as a troll.
OK. I’ll bite…you need to get some more experience and read before you purport to give “advice.”
Please stop featuring your assistant. It’s tantamount to Ms. Cleo just bringing in her next door neighbor to show that anyone can do what she does. Not only is it insulting to your listeners, but it’s depriving us of what we tune in for in the first place… You.
Knock it off. She’s great to you, but obnoxious to many of the rest of us.
Please stop featuring your assistant. It’s tantamount to Ms. Cleo featuring a beloved neighbor to ply in her trade. It’s obnoxious to the fans and belittles what is being done by showing that any old person off the street can do it.
As much as you may love your assistant, she is less beloved by your fans. More Dan! Less well…NO, Lucy.
Dump the bitch already
For the BDSM couple…”Fet Life” is a great place to learn..It’s members are intelligent..professionals who may offer to mentor you both…Savage D’s advice was a starting point and I appreciate the courtesy shown to the lifestyle…