I’m 21 years old and in a monogamous relationship. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend, and it was a really great experience. I was drawn to BDSM even before I began having sex, and he’s been happily fulfilling my needs. However, he revealed fairly early on that he also enjoys being submissive during sex. I asked him to explain what sort of dominance he was looking for, but he said he’d rather show me. Recently he tried to steer a sex session in that direction—me dominating him—but I felt nervous and self-conscious. I felt like I was failing a pop quiz. How do I become more comfortable with being a dom? Any tips for first-time doms? Or am I just not cut out for this?
Not Quite A Dom
There are a lot of skilled, confident BDSM tops out there—people who are exclusively dominant or switch—who got into it for the same reason you’ve started to explore your dominant side, NQAD: to please a submissive and/or switch partner.
But “show me” is not how a couple incorporates BDSM into their sex life. Maybe he’s having a hard time articulating his desires because he’s shy, or maybe he’s insecure, or maybe he mistakenly believes that sex—even logistically complicated sex—should just “happen naturally.”
So here’s my first tip: Force him to talk about what sort of BDSM or D/s play he’s interested in. A lot can be assumed during a strictly vanilla sexual encounter—far too much is assumed, far too often—but what goes on during a sexual encounter involving BDSM has to be specifically and explicitly negotiated. If he’s too shy to have a face-to-face conversation about his kinks, do it over e-mail. If he doesn’t feel comfortable sending e-mails (they live forever on a server, they can be forwarded), tell him to write you a letter, read it in his presence, then tear it up.
Second tip: The less a newbie dom has to fake during BDSM sex, NQAD, the less daunting the role feels. Instead of pretending that you’re a menacing and experienced dom, incorporate what’s really going on—your boyfriend is so submissive that he’s submitting to his submissive girlfriend, and how perverted is that?—into your play and dirty talk. Then your unfamiliarity with the dom role becomes something you’re bringing to the scene, NQAD, not something that’s causing you to fail at it.
Third tip: A blindfold is an inexperienced dom’s best friend. Not ready to visit your local BDSM sex shoppe? An ACE bandage will do the trick. You’ll feel much less self-conscious if he can’t see you fumbling with rope, suppressing a nervous giggle, or searching high and low for a mislaid key to the handcuffs.
I recently made friends with a guy who is in his first sexual relationship. He comes to me, his best male buddy, with questions, and I try to make sure he’s informed and being safe. But he’s asked me a question about oral sex that I don’t know how to answer. What is a man supposed to do when he’s about to ejaculate during oral sex? I feel like there should be a polite version of “Where do you want it?” that a guy can say to a woman, but I’ll be damned if I can think of it.
Sexual Advice Xactly Our Need
When your friend is getting close—when he’s approaching “orgasmic inevitability,” as the sex researchers call it—he should say, “I’m getting close.” (Duh, right?) And just as he’s passing the point of orgasmic inevitability—his mother kicking down the bedroom door and leading a SWAT team into the room couldn’t keep him from ejaculating—he should say, “I’m coming.”
At that moment, the blowjob bestower—your friend’s new GF, in this case—can remove the dick from her mouth and point it at her tits or over her shoulder or at his mother. Or she can leave it in her mouth, let him come, and then decide if she wants to spit or swallow. She’s the decider.
I’m a 24-year-old straight girl, and vaginal sex does nothing for me. I’ve never been molested and I don’t take pills. I feel sexual pleasure in other parts of my body and experience clitoral orgasms, but as far as getting fucked by a dick goes, it’s about as interesting as a finger in a fist. Through googling, I’ve found others with this issue, and the general response to us seems to be that it’s a surmountable mental problem—which is vague and unhelpful.
So I’m asking for the opposite. Is there scientific research about this? Is there hope? Or do I just have to learn to deal? It is lonely and depressing to experience the gold standard that is vaginal sex as a kind of animate masturbatory aid. Also, at what point do I tell my partners I have this malfunction?
Wrong Type Freak
“I’d recommend that she spend some time exploring her vagina, trying different positions, experimenting with placing pressure on the posterior and anterior walls of her vagina, and with friction on her cervix,” says Meredith Chivers, an assistant professor of psychology, a clinical psychologist, and a sexuality researcher at Queens University in Kingston, Ontario. “The best position to do all this is with her on top, controlling the speed, depth, and trajectory—for lack of a better word—of the thrusts, and pairing this with clitoral stimulation.”
If you decide to give vaginal intercourse another shot, Chivers also recommends that you warm up with lots of oral sex, toys, masturbation, and the other stuff you enjoy. That way you’ll be “engorged, erect, and lubricated, and subjectively turned on” before penetration.
Chivers also wonders if you’ve discovered your G-spot. “If she hasn’t found her G-spot, finding it might be a watershed moment,” says Chivers. “For some women, G-spot stim is associated with experiencing intense ‘vaginal’ orgasms and ejaculating.” Finding the G-spot can be tricky, Chivers adds, and it’s best to attempt it when you’re very aroused. “Stimulate the anterior wall of the vagina (side nearest the belly button) about five centimeters in,” says Chivers, by using a “come here” motion with the index finger.
And if you try all of that—or if you’ve already tried that—and it doesn’t work?
“Perhaps it simply is the case that for her, like a substantial minority of women, vaginal penetration is not all that fulfilling,” says Chivers. “If so, I would strongly recommend that she reinterpret her lack of interest in vaginal sex as a preference—one that is not uncommon—and not a malfunction.”
“As for telling her partners,” says Chivers, “I suppose it depends on the nature of the relationship and whether or not she’s willing to be GGG and have vaginal sex to satisfy her partner, even though this may not be her first choice on the menu.”
In other words, WTF, if penetration doesn’t cause you emotional or physical distress—if it’s something you can take or leave—tell a new partner early on about your strong preference for other forms of sex. Then indulge the dude in vaginal intercourse when you’re up for it, or he’s desperate for it, while incorporating lots of clitoral stimulation during the act.
Meredith Chivers tweets on sex and gender research, sociopolitical issues relating to sexual and gender minorities, and psych research in general. Follow Chivers—and learn from her—on Twitter @QSagelab. (And you can follow me at @fakedansavage.) 
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
@100 – well, to be honest, since I like to fancy myself one of those guys who loves to give oral, I wondered where the axe would fall; “pseudointellectual types as well as guys who fancy themselves very sensitive and enlightened” kinda hits uncomfortably close to home! 😉
I developed my love of it married to someone who insisted that PIV “did nothing for her, never would, don’t bother trying, and get busy doing tongue pushups ’cause that’ll take a good half hour and is the only thing that works”. I’m pretty good looking, so I didn’t have to bother with hilarious.
If we ever meet and have sex I’ll remember to put on my caveman throw-you-down-and-pump-you persona first. Cheers!
@100 “Some men really want their partners to come, but have a chip on their shoulder about how that should happen.” Not much you can do about that huh? Weak egos.
Like the majority of guys out there, I’m pretty much out of action after I orgasm, for a least a little while (naptime!), so I like to offer oral to make sure that my partner has at least one orgasm and to improve the odds of PIV resulting in orgasm too. It may tend to the formulaic.
I think some of this discussion is presuming that we “highly orgasmic women” (bah) are saying that we have “look, ma, no hands! orgasms” by posing this false binary of clitoral stimulation versus PIV sex. The folks citing the stats documenting that most women require clitoral stimulation seem to be implying that women who enjoy penetration are rarities because we are not experiencing clitoral stimulation at the same time.
To me that simplifies the matter in a way that introduces error. Clitoral stimulation is the route and means to any and all orgasms, but successive orgasms and deepening arousal sensitizes/awakens its deeper tissues, making penetration or G-spot play increasingly more pleasurable and heightening the magnitude of the orgasm when it arrives. And the more aware you get of triggering that awakening process, the easier it gets to do it, and the more penetration becomes essential to the sense of feeling sated. Women who climax from penetration aren’t doing something “different” from women who orgasm through clitoral stimulation alone, nor are they anatomically fundamentally different or somehow unusual. The issues here are magnitude of arousal, number of orgasms, taking the time to awaken those tissues (again, steady pressure rather than thrusting really does the trick, at least for me), and learned experience. For myself I’ve learned that penetration does little for me until I’ve had an orgasm, which means I actually “fit” within the statistic that most women require clitoral stimulation to orgasm.
As someone who came to learn this over her 20s, I just refuse to believe that I somehow am a “rarity” among women, and, instead, hope that most women learn this over time as well. Yes, women’s anatomy varies (women whose clits are close to their vaginal entry, I understand, climax much easier without a manual assist), but I think the general process is similar.
At least I hope it is.
I saw a porn clip once, wish I heartily wish I could forget, where a woman reached down for her clit as a guy was fucking her and the guy got visibly angry, grabbed her hand and pinned it beneath her. Just as Dan says that you should ask for a refund if a partner refuses oral, I think we all should think of clit stimulation as routine part of any penetrative sex. No need for either/or; AND is much more fun.
@100: So the guys who like to eat pussy are either ugly, poseurs, or quote-unquote “sensitive”? That’s pretty brutal…
…though I do know what you’re talking about, actually. Most “hot” guys don’t need to eat pussy because they can afford to be selfish. If the woman’s unsatisfied, they can just go get a different one — it’s not like they mind having an excuse to do what they want to do anyway.
But there are also attractive guys who like eating pussy who are genuinely loving, thoughtful, and sincerely interested in the woman’s pleasure for reasons that go beyond their own egos.
Dammit! I cannot properly reference my replies today! EP, you’ll recognize the quote above and know that it is for you, and not for @100.
@101 – I don’t really agree with your angry tone, but I certainly agree that, as my father put it to me (in a bizarre rare moment of parenting, which was more about ranting about his spouse), “your orgasm is your own responsibility”.
I have also run into some of the people you talk about, in bed no less, but there adversarial behavior seems to have had less to do with some kind of conscious misanthropy than with an unconscious need to protect themselves out of fear. They need compassion and understanding (though I don’t recommend pursuing sex with them) more than anger.
@103: “Clitoral stimulation is the route and means to any and all orgasms”
This is verifiably untrue, and exactly the kind of thing I find objectionable because it’s just way too categorical. I don’t disagree with your larger point about awakening deeper tissues (especially if you acknowledge that the clitoris is a far larger body than most people realize), but there are people who have orgasms from having their nipples stimulated, or their necks, or while giving a BJ and not touching or grinding themselves in any way.
@102: Honestly, your (ex-?) wife sounds like a lousy lay. She might be able to compensate in other ways, but when someone needs 30 minutes of tongue push-ups to get off, it turns sex into work.
BTW, there are plenty of women out there who take it personally if a guy can’t get off through oral sex, or through PIV, or pretty much anything they want. Ego is universal; women are just subtler about expressing it.
@106: “[T]here are people who have orgasms from having their nipples stimulated, or their necks, or while giving a BJ and not touching or grinding themselves in any way”
Absolutely true! But the orgasm itself are contractions (is that the right word?) of the clitoris; that was the point I was making.
@102 “I like to offer oral to make sure that my partner has at least one orgasm”
@104 “there are also attractive guys who like eating pussy who are genuinely loving, thoughtful, and sincerely interested in the woman’s pleasure…”
It’s just important for people who date women to acknowledge that some fraction of women are like mydriasis and me (maybe 10%?), people who really don’t want you to go down on us. For me, well, it’s okay, and I can put up with receiving oral if you really want to do it, but the odds of it being fun and relaxing for me are low, so don’t do me any favors.
If you’re interested in my orgasm, break out the Hitachi; if you’re interested in giving me mind-blowing pleasure, deliver increasingly harder blows to my ass or shoulders for twenty minutes… but don’t lick my pussy and say it’s because you’re so interested in pleasing me.
“Curiosity” is the name of a series on Discovery Channel, hosted by Maggie Gyllenhaal. If you can, check out the episode on female sexuality, because the brain activity graphics during orgasm are awesome.
During the episode one of the researchers, using MRI or some similar imaging technique, shows a graphic of the internal structure of the clitoris, which extends back to, and bifurcates around, the vagina. According to said researcher the G-spot is part of the internal clitoris. As to ejaculation, they didn’t address it (but I’ve written several posts about the joys of being soaked in my wife’s juices that came from somewhere down there).
@80, I also use my tongue to stimulate my wife’s G-spot, but I suspect that starting slowly (until otherwise tested) is always a good idea. That being said, I can’t believe the force my wife bears down on my finger sometimes when she’s bucking away. Fortunately by that point she’s usually soaking the bed/towel, so there’s plenty of slip.
WTF, practice makes perfect. My wife had been married for 8 years, and had 1 kid, before she could let go of the fear of making a mess (she said) and ended up ejaculating (squirting, whatever) on the hotel room floor*. I think it scared the shit out of her to be that out of control, but many first time experiences are like that.
Peace.
* I was SOOO proud of her. She is such an interesting mix of hesitation and fearlessness. My job is to figure out which lines to be bent, and which not to cross.
mydriasis @100 – no, I think you’re speaking for yourself.
maddy811@103 -I think you are on solid ground here. I would just emphasize, personally, trying to provide comfort and education to women who find orgasm hard (and PIV orgasm especially hard). Baby steps. If they don’t orgasm, you discuss different ways to get there; if they orgasm but not with anyone else in the room, you discuss techniques for getting there. If clitoral is easy, you talk about what to try with the third or fourth orgasm of the night. On and on, until (as you’ve done with me), you’re discussing how to have mind-blowing, squirting orgasms in whatever positions you prefer, with however many people you prefer in attendance.
@108: Fair enough. But the counterpoint is that people have a right to seek out a dynamic that turns them on. People who like to eat pussy aren’t just doing it because they want to pat themselves on the back; they do it because when they’re eating pussy and the woman is into it, then it’s a feedback loop that turns them on. It’s not just “for them” or “for her”, any more than (say) ballroom dancing is.
It’s probably tempting from your vantage point to feel like their preference is selfish, but the truth is that if a person really likes eating pussy, they’re probably not so compatible with you. And that’s not your fault, but it’s not theirs either.
@103 with reference to @109 and the TV show,
Some researcher got a woman to orgasm while in an MRI machine, and the resultant activity lit up pretty much her whole brain. Later in the show she was able to repeat the performance without any physical stimulation; she had an orgasm by just thinking her way to it. As the PERL community states: TMTOWTDI (There’s More Than One Way To Do It!).
Peace.
@111 Offering oral is not selfish; the selfishness is diagnosed from how the guy responds to my disinterest. If it’s my turn for orgasm/pleasure, then try to have fun at that moment with what I actually enjoy — and just don’t see me again if that didn’t end up being fun for you.
@Erica.
Dingdingding! Bingo.
I’m in the same boat (except for the hitachi thing, I’m all about straight up PIV.)
@105
What women find attractive definitely varies. A lot of the guys who I’m referring to would probably be considered attractive to most women. Hey ladies, I’ll be expecting flowers. :p
In terms of your ‘better chance of orgasm’ thing I don’t know. In my books it’s better if a guy has a quick rebound and we can get on to round two, three…
@104
I’m not trying to get with guys who love to eat out women, so I don’t need to worry about offending them :p.
Yes, my response was snarky and somewhat mean but I went out of my way to point out that it was personal experience and by no means universally true at all. I was just answering his question.
Sincerely interested in my pleasure? Not selfish in bed? Sounds pretty ‘sensitive’ to me. Pass!
@109: Great story. I think you actually nailed something really important with this comment:
“I think it scared the shit out of her to be that out of control, but many first time experiences are like that.”
That can be the difference between an OK lover and a great lover — the ability to let *yourself* go out of control. It can manifest in a lot of different ways, but I think that as long as someone needs to be in control all the time, sex with them will never be that great.
I also don’t think sex with people who need to be controlled is generally that great, either. Either way it makes sex about performance, about power, about the ability to do something so intimate without any real vulnerability in play. Maybe that turns some people on, but when I’ve had sex with people like that, I usually find that they’re crude and unimaginative in bed, and don’t really seem to bring any empathy to sex.
(BTW I’ve known some serious control freaks who were able to get rid of that in bed, and were great lays. Conversely I’ve known some loosey-goosey “life is beautiful” types who were horrible lays because, to them, it was just another form of navel contemplation.)
@113: It’s also not selfish to lose interest in sex if you know what you like, and the other person doesn’t like it. Yes, that goes both ways, but most people are understandably disappointed and annoyed when they realize they’ve wasted their time with someone who’s just not on their wavelength. The classy thing to do is to stick around and get you off, of course.
@114: Whatever floats your boat, or whatever isn’t interested in floating your boat. Either way, whatever: I’m glad someone likes getting with men who don’t really give a shit about women, since it saves everyone else some grief.
@103 I know where you’re coming from, BUT that scene you describe is exactly what my g/f does to me if I make the mistake of touching her clit during PIV (stimulating it during foreplay is an entirely different story, but she’s still usually eager to proceed to penetration). She’s the only woman I’ve experienced that with, every other one I’ve been with has had completely the opposite reaction.
@108 And yes, oral does next-to-nothing for her, too. But she tolerates it when I occasionally perform it on her (which is a WHOLE LOT less often that I would if she really enjoyed it), unlike touching her clit during PIV which is verboten. Perhaps I should try some of your other suggestions …
I seriously think the only generalization you can make about women’s sexual response is that you cannot generalize anything about it (I seem to remember a very old Savage Love, maybe even when it was still Hey Faggot!, where Dan solicited letters from women describing their turn-ons/turn-offs and juxtaposed letters describing completely opposite reactions to the same thing) …
@116 – “It’s also not selfish to lose interest in sex if you know what you like, and the other person doesn’t like it.”
Yes, yes it is selfish. Since we’re talking about the other person’s orgasm. If a woman lost interest in intercourse when the man switched to a rhythm that would get him off, even though she preferred it slower… yes, that’s selfish. She doesn’t have to come back the next day, but it’s certainly selfish to only be interested in sex that is exactly what you like and nothing else.
For anyone in Seattle who doesn’t believe in the Gspot ‘myth’, who wants to know how to find the gspot, who wants to know how to manipulate the gspot for a hell of a good orgasm, or who just wants a fun evening with a remarkably cool lady, Seattle Babeland is hosting the incomparable Tristan Taormino and her outstanding workshop on the Gspot and female ejaculation. http://tristantaormino-eorg.eventbrite.c…
You lucky bastards. I’ve been to this workshop, I wish I could go again. Go. Go. Take your friends, your husbands, your wives, your mothers. Sadly, it’s in a retail store, so no hands on demonstrations. But it’s worth going, all the same.
Married in MA @112, you’re just asking for trouble now, bringing up the whole think your way to orgasm thing. Haven’t you learned by now that women only climax when you press the magic button?
I once climaxed at work (completely unexpectedly) as a result of extremely sexy IMs and controlled breathing with my IM buddy on the phone. Completely hands free, no wiggling in my chair even. After that I figured out how to incorporate breathing into gspot stimulation–the orgasms are so good, I don’t particularly care that those who have not experienced it claim the gspot doesn’t exist, or that squirting equals peeing. I know better,and I’m more attuned to myself sexually as a result of the things that I have learned about myself, my body, and my sexual response.
I’d be interested to hear anyone else’s thoughts on this, but as far as I’m concerned it’s not just PIV vs oral sex, it’s PIV vs oral sex vs manual clitoral stimulation. I’d rank the intensity and desirability of the orgasms produced as manual clitoral stimulation >> oral > PIV (unless I’ve had several orgasms already, in which case it moves to nearly the top).
It seems like oral sex is so often the focus when people discuss clitoral stimulation…. The spread of what women prefer and what actually causes them to orgasm is incredibly wide and changing. I have my favorites, but even having had sex for many years and with multiple partners, I still sometimes find something new that makes me come!
I’d be interested to hear anyone else’s thoughts on this, but as far as I’m concerned it’s not just PIV vs oral sex, it’s PIV vs oral sex vs manual clitoral stimulation. I’d rank the intensity and desirability of the orgasms produced as manual clitoral stimulation >> oral > PIV (unless I’ve had several orgasms already, in which case it moves to nearly the top). It seems like oral sex is so often the focus when people discuss clitoral stimulation….
The spread of what women prefer and what actually causes them to orgasm is incredibly wide and changing. I have my favorites, but even having had sex for many years and with multiple partners, there is still sometimes something new that makes me come!
@Juliet
Yeah I’d pick manual over oral any day.
But it’s still. PIV>>>>>>>>>>>>manual>>>>>>>>>>>oral in my books. I tend to skip past the latter two if I can.
@ 8,
I’m guessing it is because she has since had sex with him that was not a “really great experience,” like the self-conscious feeling of failing a pop quiz, and she wanted to emphasize she has had fulfilling sex with him.
Also, not everyone has a really great experience with their first time. I know mine was aweful. The guy did not bother to prepare me first, and since I was a virgin, I did not know he needed to. He finished in under three minutes and I was left lying there on my back wondering, “That’s it? This is what all the fuss is about? I could live my entire life without having sex again…” BTW, the guy had been with multiple women, so he was not inexperienced.
Thankfully the second guy I was with sexually, my husband, has since shown me what all the fuss is about.
@ 80 (et al), me neither! I’m not saying the G-spot doesn’t exist, but I can say it probably doesn’t exist on me. My husband says it does, but I get VERY creeped out by anyone moving their fingers around inside my pussy-it reminds me of the gynecologist!(I’m crossing my legs just typing this). I’m not inexperienced; I just want to stick with my clitoral orgasms (that I can only have thru oral sex, or my myself, on my back, when the anti-depressants are out of my system, lol). I know no one agrees with me, but I didn’t hear WTF asking for all of this-or Dan’s-advice; all she asked was if there was any research about people like her. Maybe she’s actually gay or bi. Maybe she’s asexual.
#29, the G-spot IS part of the clitoris. The clitoris extends up inside a woman – the visible little nub is just the external part, comparable to the head of the penis. The “shaft” runs up inside, and I guess the G-spot is a place where it happens to be reachable through the wall of the vagina.
Guys orgasm through their penises. Some guys need the head stimulated while others have places on the shaft that they prefer. Woman orgasm through their clitorises. Some women like the “head” stimulated while others have places on the “shaft” that they prefer. It’s not rocket science.
And by the way, it’s not like someone just picked a featureless, random part of the vagina and said “let’s give this square inch of flesh a name!” – the g-spot bulges slightly, has a spongy texture, and becomes more pronounced when a woman is aroused. Denying the existence of the G-spot is as ludicrous as denying the existence of the external clitoral structure.
And the gland that stores female ejaculate is called the Skene’s Gland, btw.
Hey recognition – can you take a break from grinding that axe and tell us how old you are? Just curious.
I thank Ms Driasis for post #100 and her subsequent clarifications, with assists from Ms Erica and Mr Recognition. Up until now, my only comeback to the occasional claims that it was wasteful of me to maintain my perfect K6 was that a) I ought to receive a government stipend for not reproducing (wouldn’t everyone here, with the possible exception of Ms Kim, who is too kind for such a thing, agree with that?), and b) giving or even receiving oral always made me cramp.
Now, some reasonable people might think that that would end the discussion. But I have so often found myself still being pitied for having missed out on an experience of Cosmic Splendour that only M>F oral can provide without any conceivable reply. To be reliably informed by such an expert that it is an activity that is never enjoyed by the performer for selfish reasons and is only performed by the ugly, the unfunny and the drippy makes me feel fully armed against the next occurrence of that charge. Perhaps if I send Ms Erica a new vibrator she will refrain from contradicting you.
If it weren’t my bedtime, I’d think up some probable example from the lives of the Woolfs and the Bells. Maybe a thought will form overnight.
And since you like a fight…
@88 – Women are accusing other women of lying about multiple orgasms? In real life? Um…no?
And psych researchers have a habit of finding the results they are looking for. Neurologists, not so much. Hence that peer review thing they’ve got going.
@95 – the Mayo Clinic is a hell of a lot more reliable than the New York Times. And relying more on newspaper articles than primary research for information speaks poorly of your education (talking about the twin study here, not the Mayo Clinic).
Also @95 – “I don’t really think your question is sincere, so I’m not interested in answering it.” – then just don’t answer it. Sheesh.
@115 – that’s why psychotics are so great in bed! Dangerous sure, but amazing in the sack. Definitely try it sometime.
As for the idea (mentioned by a few people) of some women not having G-spots…I would tentatively argue that this is unlikely. The G-spot is an actual structure, so I would assume it comes standard on women, just like vaginae or clitorises or nipples do. It’s just that some people’s G-spots are more sensitive than others.
Some women may get no sexual pleasure out of theirs, others may have multiple orgasms, and still others (like me) may enjoy light and indirect stimulation at times, but find that direct fingering feels like being shanked in the goddamned bladder. But I believe that everyone has one.
(That’s how I began to believe in the existence of the G-spot, btw. Long, long ago, when I was a teenager and there was no internet filled with blogging, squirting, G-spot orgasming women, I told my then-bf that I didn’t think there was any such thing as a G-spot. He slipped his finger inside me, said “It’s right here” and poked a spot that felt ouchy and offputting in a way that no other spot inside my vagina ever has, before or since. I could feel it through my whole midsection, like he’d pushed a pressure point. And he didn’t have to rummage around; he beelined right for it. So, yeah. It was suddenly very obvious to me that I have a spot in my vagina that causes intense and very distinctive sensations, and that this spot has a particular shape and/or texture that made it easy to find. Kinda hard to be a G-spot doubter after that.)
@perverse
My highschool boyfriend had a similar aptitude. Big fan. And my understanding of the Gspot is similar to yours.
Ladies: just because it doesn’t get you off doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. I had a friend who could come from someone playing with her breasts the right way. I find when a guy goes for mine it’s like ‘Oh, sure… ok” but that doesn’t mean I don’t have nipples.
@100 mydriasis,
I don’t know what your definition of an intellectual is, but my experience is that showing a full on hardcore intellect is the fastest way to NOT get the girl possible. Being a hardcore science nerd (Biochemistry) in college, I was constantly having to “dumb it down”. I was also on a varsity sport, not bad looking, and well traveled. The second I slipped into “I learned the coolest thing in Botany today” mode, pfft gone. Thank God that Nice Eclectic Responsible Dude(s) come in female form as well (and like to experiment in bed too! When I started working at MIT I realized that there were a host of male and female nerds that had never had the chance to be with their kind before…)! To this day our closest friends are mostly science and engineering types.
Peace.
@130 re your response to @115: I don’t quite agree.
My ex WAS a nutsack psychotic piece of damaged goods who
was more interested in trying to kill me, if not permanently fuck
me up psychologically, than ever caring about satisfying me sexually.
Whatever floats your boat is fine with me, but I’m just saying.
Mr Ven @ 129, since I am quite a fun of oral sex both ways, and since I’ve had a reasonably good amount of success with it, I’d have to protest both your and mydrasis @ 100 claims above. Oral sex lovers come in all shades and flavors; even though I can see where the correlation mydrasis mentions might come from, this is by no means the only one there is.
Especially since I was originally not really attracted to oral sex, but was convinced that it was a good idea by my first girlfriend, who was very much into it. Cunnilingus was her best way of getting off, and I was surprised by how much could be achieved with it.
Then came my second girlfriend, who was not at all pleased by it, and seemed even surprised I should expect otherwise (cue to me with the nerdiest ‘but you’re supposed to like that!’ face you can imagine). Thank god, she had much more experience than me at the time, so she simply showed me what she liked (PIV sex with lots of groping, some simultaneous clitoral action; her personal touch was the way she clenched her legs around me, actually painful — I had to bite the blanket during her orgasms so as not to produce painful sounds).
That was some education, and I was forever freed of the idea that there’s something all women should like.
Sex is always a little bit of a discovery. There’s always something different in the next person; if not their exact preferences, then their reactions to them.
@133, my experience, too. Nerdy girls rock! 🙂 Though I’ve noticed that there are ways to approach non-nerdy girls, too, that can lead to interesting relationships. Many even non-nerdy girls like literature, something I also always enjoyed, both in its so-called ‘higher’ (say, Shakespeare) and ‘lower’ (say, Stephen King) ends; that was usually more efficient than any attempt to discuss Chomsky or structural linguistics.
Mr Ank – Please don’t associate me with any opinion in the matter; I was just pleased to have discovered an expert witness of such utility.
@133
I’m studying neuro and chem, don’t worry.
I’m a huge nerd. And I get along quite well with nerdy guys although I typically don’t date them.
A pseudointellectual is not the same as an intellectual or even a nerd, all three terms have a different connotation.
To my mind a psuedointellectual is a narcissist who has an overinflated self of his (or her) intelligence and is in love with the idea of him/herself as an intellectual. He/she would rather talk about a book than read it. (Not saying that we shouldn’t enjoy discussing books, but you understand what I’m implying)
P.S. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had guys refer to me as ‘scary’ smart. What’s so scary about intelligence I’ll never know. I get bored of hearing it so I’d rather do the shut-up-and-look-pretty trick when I’m in that context.
@138 mydriasis,
“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had guys refer to me as ‘scary’ smart. What’s so scary about intelligence I’ll never know. I get bored of hearing it so I’d rather do the shut-up-and-look-pretty trick when I’m in that context.”
This is NOT a comment upon you, but that is just sad. Along with “being wasteful is good”, “being intelligent is scary” is right at the top of why USAers are ruining our country’s legacy (I don’t like to use American in this case, because that should include anyone in the New World). So, study hard and stay out of debt.
Peace.
@135 and others… Of course women will like different acts, different pressures, different attentions to different body parts and so on. Men do too: some like attention to the tip, some the shaft, some need their balls in play, some need their prostate in play, some need to be on top, some need to be on the bottom…the possibilities are endless.
You will rarely find men, however, arguing that parts of their anatomy don’t exist or that experiences others have aren’t real. A good example of this is prostate play. Sure, you can find men who don’t like it and straight men who don’t ever want to try it for fear that it may threaten their masculinity, but when you mention prostate play you rarely see straight men insisting with such obvious fear of inadequacy that other straight men who enjoy it are fooling themselves. Or even more crazy, that prostate play is some feminist plot to punish men for patriarchy (see the above post that claims that the G-spot is a myth of straight men who just want to be selfish lovers, ffs! Honey, straight men who are selfish lovers don’t give a rat’s ass where your G-spot is.)
To me it’s beside the point what a given woman does or does not *prefer* to reach orgasm. It’s the stubborn and fear-driven insistence that women cannot climax from penetration, do not have G-spots, cannot ejaculate, are these rare birds if they can come multiple times, etc. that I think merits a response. When you hear a person limiting their experiences or knowledge of their own bodies based on fear of inadequacy or failure, you should encourage them to push past those fears, not rest in them.
@71, you are confusing “pleasure” with “orgasm.” You don’t have to orgasm from something in order to enjoy it.
Read the letter again: the writer’s problem was that vaginal intercourse doesn’t feel like *anything* for her. That would put her definitely in a minority.
My girlfriend cums hard when I’m in her ass and she uses a vibrator. Or with her on top with me simulating anus with my fingers. So in her case her butt is connected to her g spot.
I’m kind of surprised that SAXON didn’t have some sort of an answer for his buddy. I mean, what’s he been doing all this time when he gets BJs?
@140, indeed, quite true, for both men and women. In retrospect, it’s even funny to think about why it is that so many people (including my former self) actually at some point buy into the idea that it isn’t so. After all, pretty much everything else in life is such that people have all kinds of tastes and differences about it: food, drink, work, hobbies, pets, sports, movies, books, you name it, the fact that one person likes it one way doesn’t say much about the next person. De gustibus…
Yet when the topic is sex there still is often this impression that there is ‘some specific activity’ (usually PIV) that must happen, or else it isn’t sex; or then that there is ‘some specific activity’ (say, cunnilingus) that everybody (say, all women) should like, or else there’s something wrong with the woman in question, or the guy just doesn’t know what he’s doing. As you point out, this goes as far as claiming that women who do (or don’t do) certain things (G-spots, squirting, etc.) are ‘fooling themselves.’ Ah! prescriptivism.
As far as personal efforts go, whenever I’m with a group of men talking about women, I often mention some of the points you raise, like the stupid controversy/prescriptivism concerning G-spots and squirting. Often enough I see agreement, but there indeed are some men who immediately try to explain how is it that ‘they really know what’s going on and which groups of women are fooling themselves’, citing their own experience, etc. I’ve wondered why this is so. I think it’s partially societal views about sex as a ‘dangerous thing’ (handle with care! in the correct way!), and partially insecurity —
they wished there was something that always works, so if they’re good at it they’ll always be successful when trying to get a woman off. If one just could find this elusive Fountain of Guaranteed Orgamsms, oh! how much simpler would life be! And people wouldn’t judge us, and we wouldn’t have to worry about what she really is thinking about us when she says ‘it’s OK, I enjoyed it anyway,’ etc.
And yet I wouldn’t want it any other way. Individual differences mean that every new sex partner is a little adventure, different (sexually as in so many other areas) from everybody else I ever slept with, maybe even from everybody else in the world. Ultimately, once you wrap your head around the idea, it’s actually more exciting this way.
@140, by the way, re-reading your comment, I see you already had developed the same idea I did. Sorry for the repetition!
@143 SAXON’s story doesn’t really hold up: “I recently made friends with a guy [who now sees me as] his best male buddy.” So, probably SAXON is asking on his own behalf, and hasn’t ever actually had a bj yet. But maybe he has a long-time girlfriend/boyfriend who has always loved to swallow, and so SAXON honestly doesn’t know what to say when you don’t know the person well.
“It is easier to accuse a woman of frigidity than to try to give her pleasure.” — The character of George Sand in _Children of the Century_
If you replace “frigidity” with vaginal orgasm or multiple orgasm or any of the other mentioned above, the quote gives a good summation of the discussion.
perverse/mydriasis @131/132 – Women who want to have more fun should keep an open mind about all their body parts, and explore. It’s amazing how different the sensations can be depending on where you put pressure, how much pressure you put, and how much stimulation / how many orgasms you’ve already had that night. I used to find breast play boring, but then I learned that I just need it ramped up to 11. I’m irritated by gentle strokes – but tug hard on my nipples and I melt. My outer-clit also needs a lot of serious sensation (which is why oral doesn’t do much – people’s tongues aren’t capable of delivering as much power as I need). But my g-spot is more sensitive and needs to be approached from one side, and only after I’m already very aroused. Otherwise it feels like being jabbed, as perverse says. Live and learn 🙂
@Erica
Nope. They’re very extremely sensitive. Gentle is nice but not sexy and more intense just hurts. In fact what a lot of guys consider “gentle” still hurts me with breastplay.
Confidential to Saxon: “Where do you want me to come” works pretty well, and it’s non-assholish, and perhaps hot to the right type of girl.
You can also use “I want to come all over you…!” to which the girl can say “yeah, all over my tits/face/belly” or “noooo!” or “in my mouth!”
But when in doubt, go for the tits.
@149 – not telling you what to do. Just talking about what I’ve learned about my body over the years.
EricaP: for the record, my bf has found a way to touch my G-spot that enhances my orgasms without making me feel too much like I’m going to pee. It’s still not something I want every time, though; mostly during the horny week of my cycle.
Ah, there’s a variable that I don’t think anyone’s mentioned here when it comes to enjoyment of different sex acts: where a woman’s at hormonally. Right before my period, I’m a rampaging horndog and penetration feels WAY better than usual (sometimes I need penetration to get off – even though my actual orgasms come from external clitoral stimulation). Also, my usual dominant tendencies get magnified and I become all aggressive and bitey. All my female friends have told me they have a horndog week of their cycle, too (usually around their period but sometimes during ovulation) although it affects different women in different ways.