I’m a 21-year-old woman from Canada who sleeps with other women. Two questions for you:

1. My LGBT friends and I disagree about what we girls who sleep with girls exclusively should call ourselves. Everyone else prefers “lesbian” and bitches at me for hating that word. Can’t I call myself gay?

2. I am a really kinky person: I’ve been very sexually active and into BDSM since I was 16. I have a large toy collection and many of the toys are dildos and anal plugs. I like anal a lot, but the thought of vaginal just doesn’t interest me, so I’ve never gone there. I’ve read about how breaking the hymen can hurt and—despite the fact that I enjoy being flogged and scratched—that scares me a little. Should I get over it and go to town or stick with everything else that works for me?

Good Gay Girl

1. You can call yourself whatever you like, GGG, and your friends can call themselves whatever they like. They’re entitled to their opinions, however, along with their preferred labels. Friends should be able to discuss their differing opinions and preferences without bitching and/or being so thin-skinned that a calm discussion about a sensitive subject is mistaken for bitching.

2. “Tearing the hymen doesn’t always hurt and rarely hurts with any severity,” says Debby Herbenick, sex researcher, vulva puppeteer, and coauthor (with Vanessa Schick) of Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva. “Going slow with a smallish, well-lubricated dildo is a good place to start, or two or three well-lubricated fingers. Doing this while highly aroused sets you up for a better experience.”

But before you explore vaginal penetration, GGG, Herbenick recommends a trip to your nearest female-friendly sex-toy shop.

“If most of your toys have been used in the anus/rectum,” says Herbenick, “it would be wise to get a new vagina toy.”

And if you’re broke?

“Then put a condom over a clean anal toy or clean a nonporous (glass, medical-grade silicone) anal toy before using it in the sensitive vagina,” says Herbenick.

While most women enjoy vaginal penetration, GGG, not all women do. (And most women who enjoy vaginal penetration require additional, focused, and intense stimulation of the clit in order to get off.) If you decide vaginal penetration isn’t for you, that’s also a preference to which you’re entitled.

I was chatting with a guy, and he mentioned that one time this girl accidentally vomited all over him during oral sex. He confessed that this turned him on. I consider myself GGG, but that is not something I’m game for. The thought of puking in a sexual scenario is completely unappealing. Does my refusal to do this revoke my GGG card? Or is this so out of the norm that I can refuse without losing my GGG card?

Pleasing Upchucking = Kinky Extremism?

Let’s revisit my original definition of GGG: “GGG stands for good, giving, and game, which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything—within reason.”

Some kinksters skip past the “within reason” part of the definition when they’re discussing kinks with vanilla partners. They shouldn’t. Extreme bondage or SM, shit and puke, emotionally tricky humiliation play, demanding that your partner have sex with other people because it turns you on (asking your partner to assume all of the physical risks that go along with that, to say nothing of the emotional risks for a partner who isn’t interested in having sex with other people), etc.—all of that falls under the FTF exclusion, or a “fetish too far,” which you’ll find in the fine print on the back of your GGG card, PUKE.

I’m a 20-year-old female college student living with my 23-year-old boyfriend. We’ve been dating for two years, and our sex life has always been awesome. My boyfriend has a high libido, so high that I can’t always get him off when he wants it. He says I don’t want to have sex with him, when we have sex probably four times a week and I’m totally happy to give him head, jerk him off, or take off my clothes for him any other time he asks. Whenever we sit down together, he’s immediately horny and he gets cranky when I have to say no. Is this a ridiculously high libido? I try to be GGG, and he does the same for me, but I hate feeling guilty about not having sex with him constantly. I’ve started just telling him to masturbate to porn, and he does it willingly but usually whines a little first about how I “never” want to have sex. Totally false! My body just can’t take it every day. What do I do?

My Boyfriend Is Incredibly Horny

At two years, your boyfriend is getting vaginal intercourse four times a week, MBIIH, along with handjobs, blowjobs, and you standing there naked whenever he likes? Plus a cheerful okay to watch porn and jerk it whenever he feels the need?

You’re not trying to be GGG, MBIIH, you are GGG.

Your boyfriend doesn’t realize how good he’s got it. He isn’t lacking for sex; what he lacks is perspective. He clearly doesn’t understand or appreciate what it’s like to be on the receiving end of all that dick. Saying something like this might help him understand: “You know I love you, honey, and you know I love having sex with you. But if your hole got fucked every time we had ‘sex,’ you wouldn’t want to have ‘sex’ more than four times a week, either.” (I’m putting “sex” in quotes here because your boyfriend defines sex as “vaginal intercourse.” I do not. Oral, handjobs, and visuals-with-a-partner—all of that counts as sex.)

If that doesn’t do the trick, MBIIH, buy your boyfriend a dildo that’s roughly the same size as his dick. Then tell him he can fuck your hole whenever he wants, for as long as he wants—so long as he fucks his own hole first, while you watch, for at least 20 minutes or so. Then he can fuck yours.

That might help him appreciate how good he’s got it.

Never heard of you until a year ago.

I’m into “ball busting”—getting slapped or kicked in the nuts—but my wife was never willing. I did something stupid and saw an escort, just to get my balls busted (no sex), and my wife found out. She was talking about divorce when she told her best friend what was going on. Her friend told her to read your archives first.

You probably don’t hear this from conservative Christian Republicans in red states very often, Mr. Savage, but my sense of honor requires it of me: Thank you for saving my marriage. This “GGG” concept of yours transformed our marriage—it also led my wife to either discover or open up about her kink—and we are happier than ever. It isn’t lost on me that I have a gay man to thank for keeping us from becoming another sad divorce statistic.

Busted And Loving Life Supremely

You’re welcome, BALLS, and all I ask in return for saving your marriage—besides video—is your support for the full legal recognition of mine. Deal?

mail@savagelove.net

290 replies on “Savage Love”

  3. @262, one of my first girlfriends was also difficult to get off, even with long clitoral stimulation. (And she came right after a previous girlfriend who loved for me to go down on her and could easily and repeatedly get off; so I went from feeling as if I were the king of cunnilingus to wondering what was wrong with me…) She had several toys she liked to use, and at first I also felt bad about the idea of her sharing them with me. My first thought was the obvious ‘that means I’m insufficient, only half a man, a bad lay’, etc. etc. etc. It’s an understandable reaction, considering how men are typically afraid of ‘not performing.’

    Things got a lot better, however, when we both realized that if I gave her analingus while she was using one of her favorite vibrators, the sensations became stronger and better — her orgasm was more intense — and I could actually feel her orgasmic contractions on her sphincter. Suddenly my participation was again crucial — she started actually asking for me to ‘come play with her and her toys’ — and I relaxed and became less insecure when looking at her toys. I actually started enjoying using them on her, and began to like having them applied on me, too.

    (It’s a pity my wife now doesn’t like sex toys of any kind. Orgasms come quite easily to her — she can get an orgasm by such primitive means as humping my legs for half a minute — so she never felt the need for toys; but now that I actually am a friend of technology, I wish she also liked it. I would love to give her vibrators in our anniversray…)

    As for faking an orgasm… unless you can be 100% sure that the guy will never find out, I would probably refrain from that. It may still be a ‘male ego’ thing (and maybe men should be less sensitive to such things), but it still often feels like faking an orgasm means he has ‘failed’, while actually getting the gal off is a source of pride. And it hurts to find out that the pride one had was, well, not based on reality… Again, it is an insecurity / fragile-male-ego thing, and men should probably learn to not be so judgmental about themselves because of their partners’ orgasms. But it’s probably going to take a while before that happens…

  4. @266 – my husband and I solved this problem the same way you did with that early girlfriend. The vibrator is always within reach, so one of us may grab it to give our hands a break, but other body parts are still hard at work (fucking, stroking, fondling, licking, etc.), so he has confidence that my orgasms with him are stronger than they are by myself. I imagine that you were committed to your early girlfriend, and wanted to make it work.

    Maybe I’m just complaining that dating is hard — it’s hard enough to find great guys who drive me wild and then to discover that they aren’t prepared to work with me on this issue… it’s disappointing. But I guess, like auntie grizelda says @265, I’m hardly alone in finding the dating scene challenging.

  5. @266 “Orgasms come quite easily to her” – has she experimented much with squirting orgasms? If not, that might be a way to bring technology in – the Njoy Pure Wand is a nice little toy for hitting the g-spot. And if your anniversary is coming up, I think it would make a great gift!

  7. I am a long time fan of Dan Savage. I call myself a dedicated breeder ally.

    So I was shocked to find out that Mr Savage is apparently a trans-phobe. As I stated, I am a breeder ally. At the Minneapolis Pride Fest every year, I have walked as a street medic for the Trans-Dyke March.

    I am glad that Dan Savage got glittered. He deserved it.

    He has lost this breeder ally. A bigot is a bigot is a bigot, no matter which community he or she comes from.

    Disgusted Breeder in Minneapolis
    DBM

  9. @EricaP: I definitely get where you’re coming from with the insecure men. I spent my early 20s with a complete inability to get off with another person. I do think that was a mental block in my case (though obviously not everyone who struggles to orgasm is in that boat). While it didn’t always work, I was very explicit with partners in explaining beforehand that it wasn’t going to happen so that they didn’t have expectations. Of course, some people just considered this a challenge.
    I also explained that if they were too worried about me orgasming, I’d be too worried about it, and there was no way it would happen if I wasn’t able to let go. (It’s really amazing the difference in sexiness between the “Are you close?” or “Did you just come?” from an insecure person and the same questions being asked by a confident lover who knows your signals.)

    I still encounter a bit of technophobia when it comes to incorporating toys. Luckily, I’m no longer tough to get off, so they’re not entirely necessary anymore. 🙂

  12. @261: You sound as if you want to come more for their sake than your own, to make them feel hot or sexy or powerful. That’s gotta be putting a lot of pressure on yourself, which can’t help the situation.

    I like what Kate said: I’ve always been a fan of the “You are responsible for your own orgasm” theory. (I think it was Betty Dodson who said that.)

    Does it help to tell them that you can’t come / don’t want to come now / have a really hard time coming and don’t want to worry about it / love sex but don’t have the need to come the way most guys do?

    I LOVE it when a girl says something like that; it takes the pressure off of me that she’ll hold me responsible for her orgasm. I think a lot of guys are worried that a girl will judge them for not making them come. It might help a lot if you could convince them that you won’t come and you just want to have fun with them and please them. And that you won’t judge or reject them or refuse to see them again because you don’t come.

    I think of it like the fourth or fifth time I’m having PIV in a session: it’s usually very difficult to come at that point, but it still feels really good.

  14. @275 – on first dates, I provide that reassurance, and it’s not usually a problem. By the second date, I usually bring the vibrator. It’s unpredictable, but sometimes sex does really really make me want to come NOW 🙂 It’s around date 3 or 4, that I get the sense that the guy is unsatisfied with the sex because I’m not as easy to make come as other women. Whatever. Maybe it’s a symptom but not the cause of any weirdness I’m sensing. I just thought Crinoline might have some suggestions.

    @276 I don’t think it’s pee, but I’m curious: what difference does it make to the smart & sexy gynecologist? Either way, it often squirts out during very intense female orgasms. If it were pee, would that mean we should teach people how to avoid doing it?

  15. @117 substitute the girlfriend with a cigarette or a crack pipe or a bottle of vodka

    That’s exactly it. Exactly.

    It’s not how much he wants it, or how often they do it, or how they do it. It’s whether this desire or drive is compulsive/can’t be stopped for a significant period of time AND has negative social, physical, and/or professional consequences, AND takes place over an extended period of time.

    Based on this, well, he’s not quite there yet. He could be, of course, without an understanding and very GGG girlfriend. It’s sort of like high-functioning drug addicts; so long as they have the discretionary cash to afford their drug intake, and sufficient free time to indulge, many if not most have a normal life with no major personal conflict.

    When they run out, of course, things go downhill very, very fast. And with another, less understanding girlfriend, or without a stable relationship, things could go downhill for the LW’s husband, too.

  16. The answer to “MBIIH” has to go down as top 10 best Dan answers ever.
    I actually dated a 6x a week guy and I was the same GGG girl only I did other girls to please him as well.
    Break up with the guy “MBIIH” This isn’t about you or how much you try to please him. Do your self worth a favor and get someone who truly appreciates you for you and all that you have to offer in and out of the bedroom. Your boyfriend is an asshole.

  17. 261-EricaP on insecurity and orgasm– My timeline went like this:

    In love and thrilled that a boy I liked liked me back.

    Sex, first time jitters, insecurity over sex accompanied by insecurity about everything else.

    A break-up.

    Lots of anxiety over everything.

    A desire for that sexy in-love feeling again.

    A desire for sex that’s not necessarily in love.

    Enjoyable sex without orgasms, some partners better than others. Curiosity about orgasms but plenty of desire without them. Insecurity about lack of orgasms.

    Therapy for anxiety and issues. Little discussion about sex. No discussion about orgasms.

    Orgasm with alcohol.

    A partner bought me a vibrator which led to orgasms with and without him.

    Orgasms without vibrator.

  21. @283 Yes 🙂 Masturbate to a couple of orgasms. Then find your g-spot:

    http://www.lifescript.com/Life/Sex/Smart…

    Most important: Get fully aroused, Levine says, because “the G-spot swells the more aroused a woman gets.”

    Full arousal differs for every woman: It may be five minutes into sexual activity… or 25.

    Once aroused and lubricated, follow these steps:

    1. Insert a finger (yours or your partner’s) in the vagina.

    2. Run it along the top wall of the vagina. Look out for an area that feels different from the rest of the tissue. Perhaps it’s more pleasurable when touched.

    3. If you find a spot that feels promising, stimulate the area with a “come-hither” motion.

    Don’t worry if you don’t find it at first. Try it whenever you have time to relax and get fully aroused. If you feel like you are about to have an involuntary urge to pee, that’s the feeling you are going for. Don’t fight it; let it happen.

    (Note, like the woman in the Jezebel link, I can’t choose to do it, but occasionally it happens.)

  22. @280-1, it’s actually interesting and instructive for men to hear about the whole insecurity about orgasms thing. I first heard that from my second girlfriend (the same who had the sex toys), and it opened my eyes to a number of female things and issues I had never thought about before.

    EricaP, I was indeed very committed to that girlfriend — she was a very important person, someone who helped me with a number of issues I still had from a very difficult childhood and adolescence, out of the kindness of her heart. She really is one of the best human beings I’ve ever met. I owe her a lot, both sexually and otherwise. (I kept in touch with her for over a decade after we broke up — a friendly break-up. She was in Canada last I heard of her; married, two daughters, apparently happy. I hope she is.)

    My wife has never had squirting orgasms (though she does get VERY wet while having sex, to the point of leaving puddles on the blanket under her). She says she doesn’t believe in squirting orgasms (or, more exactly, she doesn’t believe they’d be any better than the ones she already has).

    @BlackRose, I think I understand what you’re talking about, i.e., the guy feeling pressure from the girl because she thinks her orgasm is his responsibility and she will judge him if he doesn’t give her one. I must be lucky, because I don’t think I’ve ever slept with a woman who I think would judge me like that. But I can certainly see this happening, given the assumptions our culture tells us to make (‘the prince has to cross a moat full of crocodiles, defeat the evil wizard and the dragon before he can climb the tower to the pricess’ room and kiss her, thereby bringing her bliss’ etc.).

  23. @285, it’s entirely possible that your wife is experiencing the same phenomenon, just in a less ejaculatory way; this link says that sometimes “the force is so mild that it is felt mostly as just an increase in wetness at the point of orgasm.”
    http://orgasmquest.blogspot.com/2007/07/…

    In any case, if she’s happy with her orgasms, there’s certainly no reason to bug her about them.

    How about you? Could you get some technology in the house for your own pleasure, anal or otherwise?

  24. @BlackRose, it can definitely help by letting people know in advance. The insecurities can still come up, but at least I’m not leaving them thinking they’re the only one that CAN’T get me off. Though there are ways it can backfire. Some guys can be super determined then, figuring it’ll make them “the best”, others decide that means they don’t care about your pleasure at all since you obviously don’t. Neither of these types are ones I’m interested in, so in the end it doesn’t make much difference.

    I had a friend ask me once (and I may have mentioned this on another thread a while back) why I liked sex so much if I never had orgasms. I explain it like ice cream. When you’re out and you get desert, you get a sundae with all the bells and whistles. At home, you may not have all the fixins, so you just have a scoop or two of ice cream. Does it still taste good? Of course. Sex is the same way. Just because I don’t get off, doesn’t mean it’s not amazing.

    As someone who has been incredibly difficult, I feel fortunate that this is no longer the case. But, I still think it would be tough with a new partner. Some of the ease that I have is due to trust more than skill.

    I also understand the other side of things too. Due to a medication my bf takes, he’s still able to get turned on, but often has a hard time coming. Sometimes, no matter what we try to do, he just can’t. Or maybe he could if we had time or energy for 4 hour sessions every time. It took me a bit to get over being insecure. While I enjoyed the increased stamina, I felt like it was unfair that I got to have so many, and he couldn’t even have 1. It took several reassurances that he was not only ok with, but satisfied even if he didn’t get to come too.

  25. @283, 284: Female ejaculate doesn’t come out of the vagina, it comes out just above it, either from the urethra or from glands next to it.

  26. @287: Is it bad if someone is determined to try to find ways to give you pleasure? I understand it being bad if someone pressures you or makes you feel inadequate for not coming, but just being determined doesn’t seem like a bad thing. There’s a difference between caring about your pleasure and needing / taking responsibility for your orgasm, as you point out.

  28. @289 I think I may have explained that incorrectly. It’s not the determination to give me pleasure that’s the issue. I absolutely appreciate the effort. It’s the attitude that they have to make me come in order to achieve that. I actually had someone argue with me over whether or not I had an orgasm. He swore that I had, and kept trying to prove it to me. Really? I’m completely unaware of the orgasm I just had? Gotcha.

    I’m totally good with someone trying to give me pleasure (I know giving pleasure is at LEAST half the fun for me). It’s more that I take issue with someone defining for me what that means.

  29. @291: I see. It’s like they don’t actually care about you or what you want; they want it for themselves.

    I think it’s ok to want someone else’s orgasm for yourself, though, as long as you’re honest about it and the other person is fine with it.

  30. @292, yes, if both people enjoy Person X pushing hard for Person Y to have an orgasm, that’s great. But it can also be a source of incompatibility, especially where Person X has strong opinions about how to get Person Y to that orgasm.

  31. Especially where Person X keeps saying it’s for Person Y, instead of for himself. That seems like the annoying part, whereas if Person X said that he wanted it for himself, Person Y might go along with it even if she didn’t enjoy it (say, in exchange for a massage).

  32. Absolutely. Don’t pretend you’re all about my pleasure when you just want it for you. If you’re worried about making me feel good, you’d do the things I wanted to.

    Such as (since this is the only place I can gloat about it) coming home yesterday and having my boyfriend come in and say I could use him however I wanted for my birthday. While I’m somewhat submissive, getting to tell him exactly where and how I wanted him was kinda fun. 🙂

  33. Mmm. That sounds hot.

    My thoughts/fears about that, which I also expressed to ankylosaur in our conversation about submission, are that a lot of girls would be totally turned off by that. Because they think it’s too passive, or weak, or not masculine enough, or because they want someone to do exactly what they want to them without having to say it. I’m glad you could enjoy that even though you’re somewhat submissive.

  37. 4 times a week and she’s GGG! Wow, my LTRGF last let me fuck her about 6 months ago. Most of the time when I hint that I’m in need and would love to see her naked, she looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Maybe she just likes to see me suffer.

    If I had a sweet GF like MBIIH, I sure as hell wouldn’t be bitching.

  38. As for the 4 times a week thing, might I suggest the method my husband and I have used since we started sleeping together: if you want sex, you have 10 minutes to convince your partner. 10 minutes to do your damnedest to turn on the other person, in which they sincerely try to get into as well. When 10 minutes is up, if they aren’t into it, you stop and deal with your problem some other way WITH NO COMPLAINTS.

    Now, your start-up time may very, but for both of us, 10 is enough to know if we’re going to get in the mood or not. And since both of us know that the other person has truly made the effort, there’s no griping or resentment.

    It’s not only gotten us through 10 years, but 3 pregnancies with NO sex drive from me.

  39. Can the horny boyfriend be given my number? I’ve been in my relationship for 1 year and a few months, and our sex life has gone from amazing, fulfilling, 3x a day every day, to me having to basically BEG him to fuck me.

  40. @301: Your system does have a good functional principle, namely, “Don’t be too quick to say No.” However it does not take into account a couple of other potential pitfalls.

    1) What happens when one partner’s libido has sunk so low that even 10 minutes of cooperation consistently isn’t enough? Saying No after 10 minutes of trying is still No, and those No’s do stack up. Saying “NO COMPLAINTS” after a month or more of 10-minute-attempts-ending-in-No starts to feel like someone is gaming the system.

    2) Even with a sufficient number of Yesses, it can get really, really old to always be the only one who initiates. One begins to feel horribly unattractive, undesired and undesirable. Over time it can be soul-crushing. Once you are in that spiral, being asked to put in an honest 10 minutes of persuasion just to get in the game feels even more like your partner fundamentally could take you or leave you, which sucks. And if you are required to put in the requisite 10 knowing full well that the answer is going to be No anyway, that’s just salt in the wounds.

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