My sexy GGG husband and I fuck a “good friend” semiregularly. He’s hot, young, and game to fuck about every other week. We started out wearing condoms, but we’ve had the safe-sex conversation and our good friend isn’t banging anyone else, so we’ve moved to condom-free sex. A month ago, we had a hot threesome. Our good friend fucked me, but came on my tits. My husband fucked me, too—that night, the day before, the day after. Now I find out I’m pregnant. I’m 99 percent sure that it’s my husband’s, but a tiny part of me worries. What are the chances that it’s my sexy friend’s child and not my husband’s? Without our good friend coming inside me? And with all the semen left in me by my husband? Could our “other” sex partner’s pre-come get me pregnant? Please tell me it’s probably my husband’s! I’m freaking out!
Pregnant In Threesome
It’s probably your husband’s, PIT, but…
Pre-come can contain “live, viable, pregnancy-inducing sperm,” says Dr. Joel Maurer, assistant professor in OB/GYN and dean of admissions for the Michigan State University College of Human Medicine. “Most [studies have found] that it contains very little, if any, sperm,” says Dr. Maurer, but the possible presence of those live, viable, pregnancy-inducing sperm cells means it could be your good friend’s child, not your husband’s.
It’s also why many—including Dr. Maurer—regard “pulling out” as an ineffective birth-control method.
“For every 100 women who use withdrawal correctly, four will become pregnant every year—this number jumps to 27 if not used correctly,” says Dr. Maurer. (For every 100 women who use condoms correctly, two will become pregnant, 18 if they’re using condoms incorrectly, which is why some argue that withdrawal is nearly as effective as condoms.)
Backing up: Pre-come is produced by the Cowper’s gland and some other gland whose name I can never remember, PIT, while sperm cells are produced in the nuts. Sperm doesn’t get mixed up in the seminal fluid—produced by the prostate and a couple of other glands whose names escape me—until the guy starts to ejaculate. So if your good friend didn’t have an orgasm shortly before he fucked you and he didn’t come inside you and there were no stray swimmers in his pre-come for some other reason, odds are slim that the baby is his. It’s possible, PIT, but nowhere near probable.
“A paternity test after delivery of the child is the safest advice I can give should it remain an important issue to her and her husband,” says Dr. Maurer. “An amniocentesis can make this ‘diagnosis’ before delivery, but the procedure comes with a small risk of pregnancy loss. As such, most doctors would consider it unethical to perform amniocentesis for the sole purpose of paternity testing without a coexisting medical reason.”
To all the other nonmonogamous straight couples out there: Not using condoms with your other is fucking stupid. Using condoms with others is important not just to prevent disease but, if your other is a dude, to prevent paternity scares like the one PIT is having. And you should be using condoms with your other, male or female, regardless of safe-sex conversations or assurances that your other isn’t banging anyone else. Unless your other lives in a cage in your basement—very hot, not very practical—you have no way of knowing for sure that your other doesn’t have other others.
After an impromptu sex session that left me feeling sleepy and sappy, my partner, who typically feels sleepy and sappy herself after sex, texted someone! The fury that arose within me could not be contained! Neither the text message itself nor its recipient were the issue (it was to a coworker about a work matter), the issue was that she couldn’t wait a few minutes to hug and kiss and say “that was hot” before sending a text?!? She thinks I’m overreacting and blames it on me being premenstrual. She has not apologized. How does she not get it? Isn’t post-sex texting tacky?
Wasn’t That Fucked?
Post-sex texting is tacky, WTF, and it’s thoughtless. I can understand why you were annoyed. I can also understand why your girlfriend has refused to apologize. If one ill-timed text sent your panties so far up your crack that it unleashed a “fury that could not be contained”—if you raged at your girlfriend for being uncharacteristically inconsiderate (it sounds like she usually makes with the postcoital hugs, kisses, compliments, etc.)—then yours was the greater offense.
Don’t get me wrong: Your girlfriend owes you an apology. But you owe her a bigger one, WTF, and yours should come first.
I’m a submissive gay man. All anal sex guides stress that when done right, anal sex should cause no pain. But what if I want pain? Over three years, my boyfriend and I have proceeded from having lots of anal foreplay to lube-it-up-and-stick-it-in. I love it, and once it stops hurting, as it always does after a while, I have amazing orgasms. So does he. There’s a definite line between the arousing kind of pain and too much pain. But that line has moved closer to more intense pain, and I’m worried about injury. Then again, we’re not sticking progressively bigger objects up my ass, just the same object with less foreplay. Is this risky?
Boy Used To Taking
It depends, BUTT.
You can enjoy lube-it-up-and-stick-it-in anal without incurring too great a risk of injury so long as your boyfriend isn’t shoving his entire dick up your ass in one thrust. If he’s pushing his dick in you gradually but firmly, giving your poor butt a chance to relax and adjust as he “forces” his way in, then you’ll probably be okay. (Probably is the word of the day.)
That said, BUTT, while it’s a fine thing to enjoy a little pain during sex—or “sensation play,” as the kinksters have taken to calling it—making your asshole the focus of erotic pain isn’t a sensational idea. Anal fissures and tears take forever to heal, and even a small one can put your ass out of commission for months. A big one can put your ass out of commission for years.
There are plenty of ways your boyfriend can make you hurt during anal without brutalizing your hole. He can slap your ass, yank on a pair of tit clamps, pull your hair, crank up the juice on an e-stim unit. You’ve got nerve endings all over your body, not just in and around your hole.
I’m a gay man in my 20s. While I love reading your advice for red-state kinksters, straight married folks, and lesbians with hymens, I’m wondering where the gay has gone. Can we get a column or two with an assortment of questions addressing the problems facing gay men in their 20s? Something for gay boys at that stage of life that falls between “it gets better” and “it gets domestic”?
Feeling Left Out
Happy to—hit me with some Qs, gay boys, and I’ll dedicate a couple of columns to your issues and tissues.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Not using condoms with the “other” on his word? Oh hell no!
Dan answered the question PIT asked beautifully. Now let me take it in a different direction. What if the fetus’s father is the Other? How much difference does this make to their lives? Would her husband love the child less? Does Other now have parental responsibilities? Must their 3-way sex now become 3-way parenting? I’d guess that this does not have to become a problem, surely not so much of a problem that PIT has to freak out to that degree.
Unless there is going to be some obvious indicator that this isn’t your husbands kid (red hair, different race etc) I feel like you should just let it go. I feel like there being a small chance the kid isn’t his is better then the reality (however small) of it actually being the thirds kid. That could open up a pretty large can of worms (including legally I would imagine).
I recently had a thought similar to FLO’s, but I was wondering where all the questions were from those of us still 34.
@1
People go on their wive’s/husband’s/gf/bfs word all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t do poly and I would never have unprotected sex outside a monogamous relationship. But logically taking his word is a difference of degree, not of kind.
But seriously. Homegirl wasn’t on the pill?
Thank you Dan for calling it what it is: “pretty fucking stupid”. I have nothing to add. Condoms are not the only birth control; even if you’re not worried about your cute friend’s transmittable diseases, PUT IN AN IUD. For Christ’s sake.
@7 Well, George already did the eating/watching TV during sex, and if texting had been a thing in the 90’s I’m sure he would have done that too. Congratulations, WTF, you’re dating a George! But she’s the one who’s worse off, because you’re the one with an irrational temper.
…that stage of life that falls between “it gets better” and “it gets domestic”?… Hilarious phrasing, FLO! NOT TO MENTION, it’s great to see “It Gets Better” becoming such a part of the lexicon that it can be quoted w/o explanation.
Merry Christmas Dan, et al…
Ms Crinoline – You’re on the right track.
If we had such a thing, this letter writer almost certainly would be a finalist for a Gertrude Award.
10 — I googled briefly and still don’t get it. Gertrude Award?
@10: to carry over from last week’s thread… I posted this comment @175… How did you process the knowledge that you were used as “an accessory to adultery” once you were old enough to fully realize how you were used? My kids are 6, 11, and 13 and I think that the older 2 for sure will be able to figure it out. I am worried that they will feel guilty or blame themselves for not stopping the affair. I have them both in individual therapy in part to guard against this, but other advice and insight is welcome. I really worry about this impact on them.
I agree with @3 but what the hell lady what are you doing having sex with multiple men without serious birth control?! Yes, sometimes it fails. Which is why women having multiple sex partners should be using condoms and IUDs (either copper or mirena) or some sort of implant that does not rely on you taking a pill at the precise right time without any antibiotics in your system. Super irresponsible lady. And yes, it is just as irresponsible for the Other to fuck some other dude’s wife without a condom but damn, as the one who gets pregnant and bears the burden of reproduction you’d think she’d get her head out of her twat long enough to be a fucking adult about it.
The other set of glands that contributes to the production of preejaculate (although not nearly as much as Cowper’s glands) is the urethral glands, aka Littre’s glands. Not that anybody wanted to know that, but there you go anyway.
Had to write to number #3 and #13. It is completely unacceptable to just not mention that the child might not be her husbands. I’m sorry, but that is a shitty thing to do. It seems really unfair to not give her husband the choice of whether he wants to raise some other guy’s child. Also, just because she lies now doesn’t mean it won’t come out later. Medical issues come up. Certain physical traits either develop or become more noticeable as a child gets older. Better to have the fallout now than when the child is old enough to understand why Mommy and so called Daddy are arguing and talking divorce. imagine you’re nine years old and you suddenly find out your Dad isn’t actually your biological Dad. That’s rough. Also what about the other guy? What if he wants to be a father to the child? It’s not just her that matters here. All the people involved matter.
Ah the joys of non-monogamous sex (or hetero sex in general for that matter), but I digress.
I have several, I guess, issues with PIT’s letter.
Primus: Just what kind birth control (as opposed to disease control, I’m not going there as DS more than adequately addressed it) was PIT using, if any, she doesn’t say and was she careless in its application? This is admittedly unfair, but since she was the only one who could get pregnant it was her responsibility to preclude, as much as possible, pregnancy.
Secundus: Accidents happen, no single or combination of birth control is 100% effective. PIT doesn’t say whether her husband wants or is ready to be a father, his attitude towards the paternity of a child, if he even knows that she is pregnant, and most rudimentary of all, whether she and her husband have discussed pregnancy and parenthood in general or in the context of a non-monogamous relationship. While I am sentimental and romantic, I am also pragmatic, practical and yes, cynical. Out of respect for the other person, I would never blindly/stupidly begin a sexual relationship without a serious discussion on the consequences of sex and my responsibilities. (You may think that this would stifle sponaneity, but I would argue just the opposite. Addressing such issues up front allays fears and doubts, which are more likely to inhibit spontaneity) Needless to say, I’m not interested in sex for sex sake, if felt the need that badly I’d go to a sex worker. I don’t intentionally (I’m not the only one who has a say in the matter) do hookups or one night stands.
Tertius: Given the fact that she is writing to DS for advice, I doubt she has shared the “good” news with her husband. Therefore, as a result of the delay, she had better be prepared for some pointed questions from her husband (like why the delay, what else isn’t she sharing; once raised, doubts can be pernicious things), amniocentesis, an abortion, and/or marital issues.
Given the circumstances (a treesome), the husband would have to be totally clueless not to wonder about the paternity of the child. If she doesn’t tell her husband about the pregnancy and goes ahead has an abortion, she is courting disaster. Any abortion have can have physical and/or emotional complications, which could be a real problem if her husband doesn’t know what is going on (among which are undermining her integrity and credibility as well as the her husband’s trust)
Holy fucking SHIT, Batman!!
PIT’s dilemma proves once and for all that “putting it in–just a little” is fucked.
@16 stupid is as stupid does: I disagree! Excuse me, but it is the equal responsibility of ALL 3 PARTICIPANTS in the threesome to ensure that unwanted pregnancy is prevented!
And what’s with the pig Latin?
PIT: I’m curious what the relationship dynamic is between you and your husband, that would make this an issue — specifically because of your activities so far. Surely someone who is engaging in condomless sex with a third is aware of the potential that any child conceived during that interval might well not be his? Has he already said (or otherwise led you to believe) that he will freak out and divorce you if the child turns out to fathered by somebody else? If he is that person, what the hell is he doing agreeing to no-condom sex with a third? Conversely, if you know this about him, what the hell are YOU doing agreeing to no-condom sex with a third? Are you actively trying to blow up the relationship?
Glad I’m not the only one who was disturbed by PIT’s failure to mention any other birth control after stopping condoms. She might have been using some and didn’t mention it, or she did mention it and that part was edited out for space or whatever.
But if she (they) indeed used no birth control after they gave up condoms, the three of them deserve the mother of all dope slaps.
@20 she was definitely on some other form of bc, because the pregnancy was unexpected. And she wasn’t letting boytoy come in her. So there was some tacit acknowledgement of the concern. They were being more than minimally careful. It’s probably her husbands. She doesn’t mention if he is worried about it. He must be able to do the damn math. So if he’s not worried, why should she worry? Really, truly, why?
And does anyone have advice re: anal fissures? Because the damn doc says just try to reduce stress, drink a lot of water. No dice. It’s been over a year and I don’t want surgery. Thoughts?
Also, one of the fun possible side effects of the last writer’s playtime is that you can lose the ability to know when you have to shit. This can be problematic. I know I value that particular skill. He needs to rethink the pain play.
@15 – her husband was in the room with her and the other guy. Pretty sure he might be able to suss out the possibilities himself.
#22 you’re right and I apologize. It’s just the tone of #3 and the agreement of #13 came off to me as it was acceptable to just not find out and everything would be fine. I disagree. If I misread their tone then I’m sorry. Even though the husband has the info the 3rd guy may not. If they don’t tell him specifically how far along she is he may not make the connection. Admittedly if a woman you have fucked turns up pregnant you’d have to be dim not have red lights flashing. I definitely think that it should be sorted out for the benefit of the child. Like I said there is a very real possibility this will come up in the future and if the kid doesn’t know and finds out he or she will be blindsided. I just feel like the letter writer and those commenters are using the ostrich method. Just stick your head in the sand and ignore it and everything will be fine. I just think this is a bad idea, but I should have better edited myself.
@ 21 – Re: advice for helping chronic anal fissures heal. There is a type of ointment available that has a ‘nitrate’ (glyceryl trinitrate, actually) in it. Just like with angina, nitrate products help relax smooth muscle, although in this case, it relaxes the smooth muscle of your anal sphincter. One of the theories surrounding anal sphicter fissures is that chronic over-activity in the sphincter (a medically polite way of calling you a ‘tightarse’) causes splits in the mucosa which do not heal. Using this ointment for a little while will work wonders at relaxing your shpincter and will help the fissure to heal.
I know this because I was once a sufferer of this incredibly painful condition. I also know it because when I was a medical student in Sydney, Australia, I helped out in a study where we rubbed such an ointment on the anal sphincters of rats to check that it was a god treatment for this condition! (the rats loved it …)
I kid you not, it is just like amyl-nitrate, only for your butt. The only potential issue is that if you are nitrate naive (if you haven’t had poppers before whilst fucking – or for those of us old enough to remember, whilst dancing under the mirrorball) then I suggest you use it sparingly at first. If you use too much it will give you a terrible (although harmless) headache – just like your first ever hit of poppers would!
@17:
Depending on how she feels about it and other circumstances, giving birth to and raising the results of an unplanned pregnancy could be disastrous. She may not be able to raise a child due to a lack of financial/emotional/mental resources. She, her husband, or their boyfriend may carry a fatal genetic disease. Or she and her husband agreed to never have kids.
I tend to agree with @2(Crinoline): Dan’s answer is quite well given, and they’ll find out soon enough whose son this is (PIT’s husband is of course the most likely one). So the only real problem is what happens if he isn’t the father? Are we going to have a big relationship crash over that, or aren’t they? Is PIT’s freaking out based on her knowledge/expectation of how hubby will react, or is it only her? Of course, the one person who they all should be thinking about is the baby.
Also, I agree the pregnancy was probably unexpected (they were apparently taking steps not to get pregnant), but I don’t see them having such a big problem with it: PIT doesn’t mention the possibility of abortion, which she could do quickly and safely and then not have to worry about whose child it would have been. I assume this means that, however unexpected, it is a baby they’d rather have (that was my case when I was conceived, since my parents weren’t yet married at the time). So I don’t feel like chastising PIT so much for not taking birth control: it seems like the possibility of her getting pregnant from either man wasn’t something they were trying to avoid at all costs, right?
So I’d say to her: since you seem to want to have the baby, then wait till it’s born and find out who the father was. But, regardless of the result (which is very probably, 99%-or-more your husband), what are you going to do about the baby? Should the other guy get involved? If the three of you are almost having a polyamorous relationship, then they should; but if the Other is really just an Other, i.e. basically a friend for sex, then he shouldn’t get more involved than any normal friend would. That is what I would want if I were in your husband’s position — even if the child, against all odds, turned out to be the other guy’s child. But that’s me, not you, your husband, or your other guy; so the three of you should figure it out (all together if you’re more polyamorous, first you and your husband and then third guy if you’re not).
3-Spoons– What legal can of worms? Traditionally, and in most states even now, a child born in a marriage is assumed to be the husband’s and is legally the husband’s. It only becomes a can of worms if someone questions or fights that. It’s a can of worms if the husband accuses his wife of infidelity and demands a divorce because of it, but I can’t really see that happening here. Or maybe it would be a can of worms if the child’s biological father demanded custody or visitation, but I don’t see that happening in this case either. If all Other wants is visitation and to remain a friend, that sounds like an ideal situation.
Sure it might be awkward to explain to the child that his/her biological father is actually the friend who’s been visiting since his/her infancy, but that doesn’t sound so terribly different from any adoption or open adoption explanation. In other words, unusual, maybe a little awkward, but ultimately not the end of the world.
I’m not sure what PIT’s freak-out is about. It’s understandable that anyone would be freaked over an unplanned pregnancy, but if that were the case, she’d be asking about abortion. Instead, she asks specifically about paternity, and the freak-out seems related to that.
Maybe the freak-out is over the possibility that she’ll have to give up the threesomes? But I’m grasping at straws with that one.
(What’s a Gertrude Award?)
@7 — I once read a porn story about someone getting bored in the middle of giving a blowjob and started texting his ex-boyfriend in the middle of it without letting his partner know.
Oh yes. Paternity. What a scary thing, if unplanned. The third in this three-way should have insisted on using condoms just to avoid this. He can be hit with child support for a very long time- making it an expensive three-way for him.
Let me add, this is why my nightmares went away after having a vasectomy! I sleep much better now.
If the third had peed since his last ejaculation, the chances of sperm in the precum are more or less zero, if not, then it’s possible, but compared to the husbands deposit still very unlikely.. Chances are, once the child is born it will become abundantly clear unless the third was a close relative of hubby or his doppelganger. For good evolutionary reasons, new babies tend to more prominently resemble the father, as the acceptance and therefore support of the father (food, protection etc) would have made the difference between surviving and thriving and ultimately reproducing though most of human history and prehistory. This has been born out through my own observations of friends newborns, and sadly, by the fact that a friend of mine was rejected by her months husband the very first time he saw her as he could see (correctly) that she wasn’t his.
Advice for BUTT–try ginger! Google figging, the pain is intense and fantastic. If you find raw ginger root is not enough, powdered ginger will do the trick. I highly recommend powdered ginger from Penzey’s. It is fresh and strong!
Advise for BUTT–for wonderfully delicious anal pain I highly recommend ginger. Google “figging”.
If you find raw ginger is just not enough, try powdered ginger. Penzey’s powdered ginger is extremely fresh and very painful if used the right way.
Sorry for the double post. I suck at the internets.
@18 Once they eliminated condoms, just what can the men do to prevent pregnancy. Limit the sex to omly oral and anal?
Pig Latin? Que? No habla pig latin.
“Our good friend isn’t banging anyone else”??? Unless she’s got a webcam taped to his nutsac, how could she possibly know that? It’s official: PIT has just won the Zelda Fitzgerald Emotional Maturity Award. Mazel tov, babe!
30-UK Girlie– “For good evolutionary reasons, new babies tend to more prominently resemble the father”
Nooooo! Recombinant DNA simply does not work like that. There may be good reasons why it would be nice if it did, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t work like that for the mammals humans share an evolutionary history with, and it doesn’t work like that in humans. Some babies in your observation may more closely resemble their father at birth, but that’s the luck of the draw, and you haven’t considered the legions of non-biological fathers who have been hoodwinked over the millennia.
@30
“For good evolutionary reasons, new babies tend to more prominently resemble the father, as the acceptance and therefore support of the father (food, protection etc) would have made the difference between surviving and thriving and ultimately reproducing though most of human history and prehistory.”
Erm… I believe that’s incredibly false, actually. Do you have a paper on that?
First of all… the premise that genetics are designed to make a baby look more like one parent is… for that to be possible I think genes might have to be sentient. Think about how that would actually work on a molecular level. It’s impossible.
I’ve read a study that showed people were more likely to compare the baby to the father when talking about him/her. Is that what you’re referring to?
In terms of being able to identify maternity/paternity. They actually did some kind of study once where they showed that men could essentially be given any baby (of the same race) and they would think he/she looked like him if he was told it was his baby. Mothers, on the other hand, were readily able to tell if a baby wasn’t theirs.
Re: unprotected sex, my lover and I had it all of the time and it was exceptionally hot. It helps that I’d had a clip job, and was infertile anyway. So hot we fell in love, and decided to leave our respective spouses.
And that’s when the problems started.
While we were each married to other people and holding demanding jobs and raising children to boot, she reasoned that we were members of a de facto fluid-bonded group. (Which, given her husband and my wife, was wholly credible!) The risk of either of us contracting HIV, while scientifically possible, was minimal on the level of a swimming pool.
But once we were no longer married people, the hot sex stopped. Why? Because we were now single people. Now that we’re on the loose, she reasoned, it could get risky. And who wants those cumbersome, icky devices anyway (both of us were broken in pre-HIV)?
Of course the obvious solution would have been to stay married and continue the affair. Perhaps trendsters in the Northwest and people under 35 elsewhere can openly do that. But Flyover Country is not ready for that yet.
@27 No matter how awesome the people involved, there are lots of reasons to freak out over paternity. If the other guy knows she’s pregnant, he can request a paternity test and legal rights to the child even though she is married. Her husband may not be ok with raising another man’s child, and, even if he is now, that may change once the child gets older and starts looking more and more like the other guy. Also, like in a previous thread, most married couples do want to appear monogamous even if they aren’t. So if she and her husband aren’t “out” about their activities, and the other guy wants rights, this could certainly out them to their whole community.
Plus, I feel like it would be kinda messed up to say to the other guy, “Well, you’re just sex, so it’s just sperm. He’s not your kid, you don’t get to help raise him whether you want to or not.”
The kid not being the husband’s is a huge fucking deal that he will not “get over” like not getting the car color he wanted. The anxiety is justified.
A lot of commenters are giving PIT flak for not using birth control, but the fact that she didn’t mention being freaked about the pregnancy itself or how her hubby is reacting makes me think maybe she and her husband were trying to get pregnant.
In that case it was doubly stupid to have your third not use a condom, but we’re all human and we all do stupid things.
If the husband seems unconcerned (he either knows the probability is slim or he doesn’t care who the biological father is) then hopefully everything will turn out okay. Probably should establish paternity immediately after the birth so if it is the third’s he knows and can either establish his rights early on or have the hubby legally adopt the baby so the third gives up his rights.
@18: What? For someone who claims not to speak pig Latin, you sound like a really ignorant fool.
“Once they eliminated condoms, just what can the men do to prevent pregnancy?” Are you kidding, or just plain ignorant?
How about getting educated on what a nine month pregnancy from unprotected sex entails? How about just not having PIV sex without some form of birth control if not everyone is cool with the 3-way resulting in a baby, just for starters?
The threesome could also have avoided any hot sexual activity inducing stray live sperm altogether if anyone was squeamish–including the husband and wife– about the risk of sudden parenthood.
How about YOU pulling your head out of your dumb fool trolling ass?
@18: Oh, wait. I forgot….it’s so much FUN living in the dark for you trolls, isn’t it?
@38
“And who wants those cumbersome, icky devices anyway”
Hey, tell your generation I said thanks for this: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43689581/ns/…
@34 e stupidus fraternitum: my posts @42 & @43 are for you, in response to the idiotic comments you made on @18.
@30 UK,
When my eldest came out, the baby looked precious little like me (in terms of the face), but I wasn’t worried because it looked like my brother in law. The mother’s genes do have some role in things! Our second OTOH looked like everyone in my family.
Peace.
I get that PIT wasn’t on birth control. Why can’t some of the responsibility be placed on the males in this scenario? There could be reasons she wasn’t on birth control. Why couldn’t one of the men in the situation demanded condoms to prevent pregnancy? They are just as much to “blame” as her. It’s tiring hearing that it’s always the female responsibility to do something undesirable to/with her body (hormones, devices, etc.) to prevent pregnancy.
@44 mydriasis,
Why limit your thanks to that generation (particularly given where the strain was isolated)? Anyone that has had unprotected sex with multiple partners, including serial monogamists (like me), has a part in this.
All this means is a return to the historical mean: fucking around can cause your junk to rot off if you aren’t careful (or lucky). Who knows, maybe we’ll see men lining up to breath the virgin vapors from young women like in those period romance novels (hoping for a cure).
Peace.
@48
Basically exactly what you’re saying.
Before boomers “junk rotting off” was a risk, after boomers AIDs was a risk. They were the generation that (in much higher numbers) decided that unprotected sex wasn’t dangerous. Obviously it’s not purely them, but I’d guess they made a particularly hefty contribution (due to their behaviour – CONTINUED behaviour, if you look at retirement homes – and cohort size) to the evolution of multi-drug resistance in sexually transmissible bacteria.
@7 (Jill) — The operative word in the story was impromptu. That’s what happens when your mind is not sufficiently clear of all the tasks and politics from the office before you get down and dirty. But thankfully the girl’s partner didn’t suddenly stop DURING the act and offer, “We’ve definitely got to get the HP LaserJet!”
@12 sad,
As an adult that figured out my dad had an affair during my adolescence, I’d like to suggest some things I wish for:
Honesty. Don’t push it, but if asked try to respond in an age appropriate nonjudgmental fashion. Try to avoid blame, because if the children were involved even peripherally, the blame will rub off. If you are hurt and sad, say so; it happened.
Unwavering support. No matter what your children have your love and care; don’t let your bitterness towards your CPOS husband enter your relationship with your children. Give your children a positive role model by doing your best, without overcompensating, during a difficult period of your life.
Don’t turn them into victims. Talk to their therapists, and yours(?), about how to coordinate a sane approach to dealing with your husband’s bad behavior. Yes, it happened to you(all), but that doesn’t mean you have to let it become the defining incident in your life. In retrospect, this would’ve been my greatest wish, had I been privy to what was happening at the time.
Your responsibility in all this is to clean up the mess your husband made as best you can, for the sake of yourself and your children, without making things any worse.
Good luck, and best wishes!
Peace.