My sexy GGG husband and I fuck a “good friend” semiregularly. He’s hot, young, and game to fuck about every other week. We started out wearing condoms, but we’ve had the safe-sex conversation and our good friend isn’t banging anyone else, so we’ve moved to condom-free sex. A month ago, we had a hot threesome. Our good friend fucked me, but came on my tits. My husband fucked me, too—that night, the day before, the day after. Now I find out I’m pregnant. I’m 99 percent sure that it’s my husband’s, but a tiny part of me worries. What are the chances that it’s my sexy friend’s child and not my husband’s? Without our good friend coming inside me? And with all the semen left in me by my husband? Could our “other” sex partner’s pre-come get me pregnant? Please tell me it’s probably my husband’s! I’m freaking out!
Pregnant In Threesome
It’s probably your husband’s, PIT, but…
Pre-come can contain “live, viable, pregnancy-inducing sperm,” says Dr. Joel Maurer, assistant professor in OB/GYN and dean of admissions for the Michigan State University College of Human Medicine. “Most [studies have found] that it contains very little, if any, sperm,” says Dr. Maurer, but the possible presence of those live, viable, pregnancy-inducing sperm cells means it could be your good friend’s child, not your husband’s.
It’s also why many—including Dr. Maurer—regard “pulling out” as an ineffective birth-control method.
“For every 100 women who use withdrawal correctly, four will become pregnant every year—this number jumps to 27 if not used correctly,” says Dr. Maurer. (For every 100 women who use condoms correctly, two will become pregnant, 18 if they’re using condoms incorrectly, which is why some argue that withdrawal is nearly as effective as condoms.)
Backing up: Pre-come is produced by the Cowper’s gland and some other gland whose name I can never remember, PIT, while sperm cells are produced in the nuts. Sperm doesn’t get mixed up in the seminal fluid—produced by the prostate and a couple of other glands whose names escape me—until the guy starts to ejaculate. So if your good friend didn’t have an orgasm shortly before he fucked you and he didn’t come inside you and there were no stray swimmers in his pre-come for some other reason, odds are slim that the baby is his. It’s possible, PIT, but nowhere near probable.
“A paternity test after delivery of the child is the safest advice I can give should it remain an important issue to her and her husband,” says Dr. Maurer. “An amniocentesis can make this ‘diagnosis’ before delivery, but the procedure comes with a small risk of pregnancy loss. As such, most doctors would consider it unethical to perform amniocentesis for the sole purpose of paternity testing without a coexisting medical reason.”
To all the other nonmonogamous straight couples out there: Not using condoms with your other is fucking stupid. Using condoms with others is important not just to prevent disease but, if your other is a dude, to prevent paternity scares like the one PIT is having. And you should be using condoms with your other, male or female, regardless of safe-sex conversations or assurances that your other isn’t banging anyone else. Unless your other lives in a cage in your basement—very hot, not very practical—you have no way of knowing for sure that your other doesn’t have other others.
After an impromptu sex session that left me feeling sleepy and sappy, my partner, who typically feels sleepy and sappy herself after sex, texted someone! The fury that arose within me could not be contained! Neither the text message itself nor its recipient were the issue (it was to a coworker about a work matter), the issue was that she couldn’t wait a few minutes to hug and kiss and say “that was hot” before sending a text?!? She thinks I’m overreacting and blames it on me being premenstrual. She has not apologized. How does she not get it? Isn’t post-sex texting tacky?
Wasn’t That Fucked?
Post-sex texting is tacky, WTF, and it’s thoughtless. I can understand why you were annoyed. I can also understand why your girlfriend has refused to apologize. If one ill-timed text sent your panties so far up your crack that it unleashed a “fury that could not be contained”—if you raged at your girlfriend for being uncharacteristically inconsiderate (it sounds like she usually makes with the postcoital hugs, kisses, compliments, etc.)—then yours was the greater offense.
Don’t get me wrong: Your girlfriend owes you an apology. But you owe her a bigger one, WTF, and yours should come first.
I’m a submissive gay man. All anal sex guides stress that when done right, anal sex should cause no pain. But what if I want pain? Over three years, my boyfriend and I have proceeded from having lots of anal foreplay to lube-it-up-and-stick-it-in. I love it, and once it stops hurting, as it always does after a while, I have amazing orgasms. So does he. There’s a definite line between the arousing kind of pain and too much pain. But that line has moved closer to more intense pain, and I’m worried about injury. Then again, we’re not sticking progressively bigger objects up my ass, just the same object with less foreplay. Is this risky?
Boy Used To Taking
It depends, BUTT.
You can enjoy lube-it-up-and-stick-it-in anal without incurring too great a risk of injury so long as your boyfriend isn’t shoving his entire dick up your ass in one thrust. If he’s pushing his dick in you gradually but firmly, giving your poor butt a chance to relax and adjust as he “forces” his way in, then you’ll probably be okay. (Probably is the word of the day.)
That said, BUTT, while it’s a fine thing to enjoy a little pain during sex—or “sensation play,” as the kinksters have taken to calling it—making your asshole the focus of erotic pain isn’t a sensational idea. Anal fissures and tears take forever to heal, and even a small one can put your ass out of commission for months. A big one can put your ass out of commission for years.
There are plenty of ways your boyfriend can make you hurt during anal without brutalizing your hole. He can slap your ass, yank on a pair of tit clamps, pull your hair, crank up the juice on an e-stim unit. You’ve got nerve endings all over your body, not just in and around your hole.
I’m a gay man in my 20s. While I love reading your advice for red-state kinksters, straight married folks, and lesbians with hymens, I’m wondering where the gay has gone. Can we get a column or two with an assortment of questions addressing the problems facing gay men in their 20s? Something for gay boys at that stage of life that falls between “it gets better” and “it gets domestic”?
Feeling Left Out
Happy to—hit me with some Qs, gay boys, and I’ll dedicate a couple of columns to your issues and tissues.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
# 29. Where dous that avatar come from. I absolutely love it.
@24 DrTom:
OK. Well then. When someone says “Who gives a rat’s ass?” you can smile and raise your hand. I’d be waiting for those moments all the time if it was me.
😉
95-nocutename– Release of oxycotin from orgasm or from getting turned on that might or might not lead to orgasm?
Then apply it to WTF in the 2nd letter. She used to get sappy and sleepy after sex. Then one time she was so unsappy and unsleepy that she jumped up to send a work related text. What would account for the difference?
@85: stupid is as stupid does: For a pathetic boob with a lot of nonsense to spew, YOU prove to be the one who cannot read, understand what you read, or count, and your long term memory appears to be as bad as your short term memory. BRAVO! Your point is…?
By the way, I noticed your arrogant use of Latin wasn’t in use this time, frat boy. Did you lose your eucalyptus leaves, too?
Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Feliz Navidad, Adeste Fideles, and be careful who you call a Republican.
To PIT: You are an idiot.
@86: May I remind you that YOU limited the preventive things that guys can do to eliminate the risk of unwanted pregnancy to condom use, oral and anal sex?
Be careful, too, who you label a loathsome, fundamental neofascist.
It sounds like it fits your description to a T.
WTF’s complaint made me think of an ex-wife who was bad to balance her checkbook after sex. Unlike with WFT, however, that wasn’t uncharacteristic at all. Regardless, for someone whose major turn on is giving their partner pleasure and who has never experienced that sort of reaction before, it can be very confusing and upsetting. Maybe the most difficult part is knowing whether it’s a message that you need to up your game or that you are sleeping with the wrong person.
108-BQbd– Speculating here. If one didn’t get the sappy-sleepy feeling, would it be better to pretend (spend 10 bored minutes lying in bed) or to balance the checkbook? It’s a question like whether it’s ever O.K. to fake an orgasm.
As a gross generalization, I think most guys would rather know that they are ineffective rather than be deceived. It is something that guys talk about but I suspect that that generalization may apply more to guys who know that they can be effective. As for women, I now realize that I have never discussed with my female friends whether they would want a girl to fake an orgasm for them or not.
That said, any misgivings about effectiveness is a touchy subject to bring up because you risk sending the message that you want faked orgasms.
Excuse me Crinoline, I did not answer the question as it was asked, which is,as I understand it, should you pretend to want accommodate your partner with post coital cuddling even if you don’t want to.
It seems to me that post coital cuddling is part of sex and something you do with your partner whether you want to or not; unless you are trying to send a message that is. I mean, I guess there are people who would rather dispense with the 10 or 20 bored minutes of foreplay, but those who feel that way have learned to keep those feelings to themselves. Then again, that’s just me and I seriously like to cuddle.
Of course sometimes you can’t cuddle, in which case good manners suggest some explanation like “Damn baby, you make me weak at the knees but I gotta get back to the office” along with a (sincere) promise to linger longer next time.
re: PIT–if PIT is over 35, she may elect to have an amniocentesis anyway (and it will be covered by insurance). Many “advanced maternal aged” women do who are certain of the paternity. It’s not everyone’s choice, but it might have been her choice regardless of the paternity issue. In which case, the establishment of paternity is a nice ancillary benefit.
WTF: You had a “fury that could not be contained”? Excuse me if this comes off across as insensitive, but is it really that serious?
Describing your sex as an “impromptu sex session” doesn’t suggest to me it was that kind of “magical love making” that would leave HER feeling sleepy and sappy. Maybe she had other things on her mind right before the “impromptu sex session” that required her attention after the session. Isn’t it more important that she was willing to be with you when she was?
You better hope that your “fury that could not be contained” didn’t mess you up for another “impromptu sex session” or any other sex session with this lady.
PIT: in as much as the three of you obviously had candid conversations regarding first participating in a threesome and then participating without the use of protection, it seems to me that the three of you should sit down and have yet another candid conversation what is about to transpire in your lives. Without a paternity test, both men will probably wonder throughout this child’s life with or not which is the father.
Oh and by the way, just because your good friend isn’t “banging” anyone right now, do you have a list of everyone he has “banged” in the past? Because you’re sleeping with them as well right now.
And this friend only fucks the two of you.
Right.
You got pregnant? Better do a DNA test. And make the ‘father’ own up and pay. For the life of a child.
Or for an abortion.
If you don’t want to get pregnant – protect yourself and insist the guys do too.
Tell them – I don’t use birth control. Do you?
Stop being stupid.
I tell ya – all the anguish and bs straight and bi women go through.
Call me jaded, but as a full blooded Lesbian I’d say that if you have unprotected sex with men you open yourself up to STDs and pregnancy.
Is that so fucking hard to understand????
At the same time, MEN: when you have unprotected sex with a woman you risk Pregnancy and STDs. Are you ready for an 18-year commitment to raise a child??? Or pay for it??
Please, people, THINK before you come!!
Argh, I’m so frustrated. I can’t figure out how to respond to specific posts!
Like the ones focusing on pregnancies and/or fetuses.
Never once do I see the term like Syphilis, or Gonorrhea, or any other STD.
I tell ya, I’m SICK of those who care about fetuses as if they’re people. SICK SICK SICK.
A fetus is like the chicken you have for dinner.
(An entirely inappropriate comment, but THINK for a second. THINK!)
From what I have observed, it is republicans who are normally the first to use ridicule and personal attacks.
I am curious why you thought I was using pig latin unless that was intended as an insult.
@120: Ridicule and personal attacks? Qui, moi? Do you watch FOX TV much?
Yes, I was being sarcastic about why you were using silly terms like ‘primus’, ‘secondus’, and ‘tertius’ in your @16 post to list your points re PIT’s letter to Dan.
Unless you’re Julius Caesar, which I doubt, usage of such words is pretty ridiculous. I am equally curious why you thought I was a loathsome, neofascist, fundamentalist Republican unless that was intended as an insult. If so, then perhaps I should have clarified myself further: what’s with the misogynist pig Latin?
@120: One more thing: I’m just curious, but why have you abbreviated and capitalized your unregistered post? Did spell check conk out?
The American version of Threesome… Probably wont be as funny as the uk version…
http://youtu.be/osp8nDfilXk
@117: Parenting doesn’t stop at the child’s age of 18. It’s just a different twist to it. The parent may not be financially obligated, but there are more important obligations than just the financial: emotional and spiritual. Unfortunately (and this is not directed at you, #117), people do not understand that parenting does not stop at a child’s legal age. As a mother of a 20 year old, I see that the “adult child” needs a little more guidance because he or she is now really experiencing true life and gets lost sometime.
So to piggy-back what #117 was saying, we need to keep in mind that we will ALWAYS be parents!
Ms. Sad @76, my 2 cents:
What @78 Nocutename said was spot on, and illustrates there is no way to predict how this will turn out. Kids are very resilient.
I was also a child accessory to my father’s affair to someone he worked with. I probably went through the usual range of emotions, but it took until my 30s to accept the situation. The biggest revelation was to realize my father was a messy, flawed human who made the same mistakes, was overcome by the same desires that have haunted people forever. It did not make him evil, just human. Accepting my parents were not perfect went a long way. Simple concept, not sure why it took me so long to get there.
Your children will heal. Whether they will have a good, bad, or any relationship with their father is mostly out of your control. Remember – the pain he caused you through infidelity is completely different from the pain he caused the family by breaking up the home. Although it arose from the same event, the path to forgiveness and acceptance is totally different.
All I can share is what you have probably been told before – do not disparage your ex-spouse in front of the kids.
Best of luck.
@125 I understand the “do not disparage your ex in front of the kids” – and I try to do just this.
But – the ex is not a normal human being ; he is an abuser. He has abused me all right, but he has also abused the kids – during the marriage and now, and he keeps on doing it : the kids tell me about it. Since it’s psychological, and not physical, I have no means to bring this to justice in order to protect my children – since they are the primary witnesses and they would have to testify against him to have the judge take any care. I think this act of testifying against one of their parent, pushed by their other parent, would be more damageable for them than the (moderate) abuse they suffer at his hands. But then I could be wrong.
Worst abuse he’s done to them : taking the children to a playground in an unknown city. Sneeking out of the playground with his girlfriend (the eldest one, 9 at the time, saw them and joined them). Hiding outside of the playground, and keeping on watching the 2 remaining children’s behavior (5 and 3), even after the 5-years-old has noticed that he’s gone, has stopped playing, and is prostrated in front of the bench where he last was. When the eldest child yells and makes his position known to the other children, slapping the eldest child for disobedience. And punishing both the 9 and the 5-years-old, for “not keeping an eye on their parent while at the playground”. Chilling, right ?
So, ok, don’t disparage your ex if he’s not hurting them. But if they report to you that he’s hurt them, either physically or psychologically, tell them that it’s abuse, and that next time he does his plays on them, they have to call the police.
Abused children MUST be told that what happens to them is not normal, acceptable behavior. In order to heal some day.
@113 : you nailed it.
Sorry, but with the freedom to do with ones body what one will ie an abortion, she really does have an added responsibility, unless abortion etc. aren’t really a big deal then fuck it and pass out the coat hangers… IMO it seems like a very selfish and arrogant attitude displayed in her letter exhibiting a vast irresponsibility. Think you can’t get pregnant by fucking without a condom ? Are you willing to gamble a human life on it ? Sheeeeit…..
No, just tired
If I remember my courses in logic correctly, that is how arguments or cases are numbered. I could be wrong it was such a long time ago. As to the modern use of Latin, check out legal and medical terms, the origins of words (minute for example) and the scientific names for plants and animals. Latin was still taught in public high schools until the curriculum (another Latin term) was dumbed down. Although I understand it is making something of a comeback as a tool to train students to think logically, coherently, and concisely.
What I find tiresome is people who use obscure literary references or specialized acronyms.
Its real easy to say all of the parties involved are equally responsible to prevent pregnancy, which I don’t disagree with in theory. My question is with its real world application in this particular case. The jist of my guestion to you was how do they actually share responsiblity equally once they rule out condoms? As you observed withdrawal is a joke. If they don’t limit themselves to non-PIV sex then of necessity they are relying on PIT for contraception. Unfair though that is, what options are there that would allow for the responsibility to be shared equally? As with any pregnancy the physical and emotional consequences affects a woman more than a man. Also unfair, but also true.
Auntie Grizelda is a real bitch… Outclassed…
@118, you could still contract a STD from muff diving and rimming your lady friends (or maybe I got to them before you, and you don’t even know me but would be actually “fucking” me as well nonetheless). And the STD junk that lives in the human oral cavity-yecch! Makes me want to stop having sex altogether. Then I meet some cute hetero girl and reach for the rubbers (everytime!).
I try to remember that the only safe sex is with Palmela and her 5 sisters, but that gets real old after a while…
Mr Hunter – I do. I only brought out the story for comparative purposes for those in similar situations. If anything, I got the best of all the outcomes.
Ms Cute – But don’t you think Gertrude is a walking SLLotD waiting to happen?
And the more I considered it, the more it seemed that Twelfth Night, even if it didn’t defeat Mr Savage, certainly would not play to his strengths.
@129 & @130: Holiday trolling has gotta be so much fun!
So..when you studied logic, were there any courses no common sense?
@130: Getting outwitted IS a real bitch, isn’t it? LOL!!
@129 & @130 in case you’re NOT the same theoretic nonsense-spewing bozo:
Merry Christmas, Happy Hannakuh, Adeste Fideles, Feliz Navidad, be careful out there and don’t hurt yourselves.
I’ve reread the letter from WTF and am zeroing in on something new this time: the accusation of feeling pre-menstrual for getting annoyed. I’ll admit that that would infuriate me if I weren’t infuriated before. We’re all entitled to our feelings. Sometimes our feelings are more universally understandable than others. Our feelings aren’t rational. That’s what makes them feelings. At no time do we want to be dismissed as our feelings don’t matter, especially not when we’re feeling vulnerable as when just after sex. That’s what the partner did. Maybe WTF was pre-menstrual. Maybe she wouldn’t otherwise be annoyed with the text. But she was hurt, and that should be taken into account.
Something else strikes me about this relationship. If they spend any great amount of time together, wouldn’t they be cycling together? Most women do. That is, if one is pre-menstrual, the other is also. Exceptions to this rule abound as when one is post-menopausal or taking birth control pills, but generally, even if there’s no sexual relationship between women, menstrual cycles synchronize.
@ Crinoline:
I think the whole menstrual synchrony thing has been largely debunked (or, at least, very heavily called into question.)
Personally, I’ve been in long-term relationships with other women, and I’ve lived in all-female dorms, and I’ve never noticed any sort of synchronization.
re @134: Correction: “no” should be “on” in the second sentence.
I was laughing so hard I missed the typo.
137-echizen– I’ve just looked at wikipedia on menstrual synchonization and see that you’re right that it’s not a definite thing. So I’ll add my personal observation: It has always happened for me. When I live with a woman for a few months, our periods synchronize. I note that the article mentions recall bias and admit that could be at work here, but it sure doesn’t seem like it (which is practically the definition of recall bias, I know).
On menstrual synchronization,
It used to happen to my wife and her co-workers.
Peace.
You still haven’t answered the question Carnak. Auntie Grizelda had to be the Monkees worst song. How appropiate to use a novelty song written for and sung by a manufactured music group on a cheezy 1960’s TV show as a tag.
@129
Teaching Latin is making a comeback as a tool to teach students how to think logically, coherently, and concisely?
How is Latin going to do that? That’s just silly to me.
@141: Spoken by a doofus whose unregistered tag keeps changing more often than a chameleon. I’d like to read your answer to captainlobster’s question if you’re too chicken to answer mine. Is that why you hide underground? Does your mom know you’re out?
By the way, what does “Xam” stand for, your hero from Dungeons and Dragons? Your right or your left hand?
Once again, what’s your point, Snorky? Oh, THAT’s right. You HAVE no point!
@142 captainlobster: Spot on!!
It should be interesting to read Snorky’s next set of idiotic comments live from the Roman Gladiator chariot races on the Banana Split Show.
@142 and @143
I’ve been following this thread for a while. At first with amusement, but it has devolved into series of condescending personal attacks by auntie grizelda that have nothing to do with any of the letters. Get back on topic or stop posting.
A simple Google search would have provided you with your answers on Latin. Do some research before you further embarrass yourselves.
http://www.ashbrook.org/publicat/oped/mo…
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/07/nyregi…
http://www.helium.com/items/974836-the-b…
http://www.catholicapologetics.info/lang…
“An educated citizenry is a vital requisite for our survival as a free people.” T. Jefferson
I’m sick to death of pontification by the ignorant. I get way too much of it from my soon to be recalled Governor; his puppet masters and their minions.
@144: Are you Snarky’s mother?
Have you been reading what I originally posted regarding PIT’s letter to Dan? Do you know how to read? If you’re into Latin, that’s up to you. Snarky’s use of what he called Latin came off to me as ridiculous. As for personal attacks, Snarky and his imaginary playmates called ME names.
By the way, before you further embarrass yourself with mindless trolling, get back to the topics discussed in Savage Love, NOT Latin, or stop posting.
It appears as if you’ve already mastered ignorance. More’s the pity.
Ahem, for Snorky, Xam, Ignorance and its consequences, and their ilk:
Snorky, the clueless doofus
Had a very pointed head;
What he considered wisdom
Others frankly called braindead!
Most of the other bloggers
Ignored his every futile word;
For someone with so much to say
It’s funny he’s unregistered!
Then one rainy Christmas Eve, auntie had to say:
“Snorky, with your rants so dumb, please go back home to your mum!”
Can’t speak for other bloggers,
But as for being appropriate,
Snorky the clueless doofus
Named for a mastodon does fit!
I repeat get back on topic or stop posting.
@147: So who died and made you God?
By the way, I noticed that you’re not posting anything about the letters from PIT or SIP.
Practice what you preach, e pluribus moron.
How ironic that Dan Savage’s column for this week bears the title “Good Friends”.
@147: Bully much?
Peace. Joy. Hope. Faith. Trust.
Merry Christmas. Happy Hannukah.
Good will to all, and to all a good night.
@144
I won’t waste any more of my time reading the last two article you linked to. I read the first two articles, neither gave any sort of explanation of how learning Latin will teach you how to think logically, concisely and coherently. Also, the last two are from Helium and catholicapologetics.info. Clearly….
The second article said something about how you have to use logic and memory when constructing a Latin sentence but nothing about how that is so much more true of Latin than a living language like, oh, I don’t know, Xhosa. Or even how learning Latin or any language employs logic more than a class in something practical like woodworking. Everything you do uses logic and memory to some extent.
I also find it more than a little strange that me asking someone to explain a weird claim made you angry about ignorance.
Generally, people who dislike ignorance welcome inquisitiveness. The only sense I can make of you accusing me of ignorance when I asked a question is that you’re the person I asked and you don’t have an answer.
That’s fine. Maybe you misremembered.
@81 (Shurenka) (and maybe some of the scientist SLOG commenters?) – Since when do sperm live in the female reproductive tract for a week? I’ve been reading Dr Shettles’s book ( http://www.amazon.com/How-Choose-Sex-You… ) on sex selection (might try to conceive a little brother for our daughter this spring) and I was under the impression that sperm could survive there at most four days.