My 13-year-old son came out to us this morning. He plans to tell his brothers in the next few days. We love and accept our son, and this news isn’t surprising (but when will the stereotypical neatness kick in?), but we do have some concerns. He has, apparently, already made the news public at school. Any pointers you can give? We want to make sure he knows that we love him and don’t care about his sexuality, while at the same time preparing him to deal with those people who do. Also, any advice you can give for when he starts dating would be appreciated.

Dad Seeks Support

“On behalf of advocates for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender youth everywhere, let me be the first to say ‘thank you,'” says Eliza Byard, executive director of GLSEN (www.glsen.org), the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network, which works to create safe school environments for LGBT—and straight—youth. “Simply by giving your son your love and support, you have already significantly increased his chances of living a happy and fulfilling life. The importance of an accepting home cannot be overstated.” (The damage that can be done by a hostile family also cannot be overstated: LGBT youth whose families are hostile are eight times likelier to commit suicide than their straight peers. Hostile parents can’t make their gay kids straight, but they can make them dead.)

“The bad news is that school can be a miserable place for LGBT youth,” says Byard. “GLSEN’s 2009 National School Climate Survey found that nearly 9 out of 10 LGBT teens experienced harassment in school in the past year. The good news is that engaged parents can make a huge difference.”

So, DSS, while it’s admirable that you want your son to understand that you “don’t care about his sexuality,” you also have to make your son understand that you care about him and that you’re aware of the challenges he faces.

“Talk to your son and learn more about his school and his experiences there since coming out,” advises Byard. “What kind of response has he received? What supports are in place for him at school? Does the school have a Gay-Straight Alliance? Do students have access to LGBT-affirming resources in the library? Does the school have policies that address bullying? Are there adults in the school community whom he trusts and feels are supportive?”

Call your son’s school, DSS, and set up a meeting. Making sure his teachers and school administrators know that you’re on your son’s side—and they know you intend to hold them accountable—can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for your son at school.

“Send a GLSEN Safe Space Kit (www.safespacekit.com) to your son’s school to give educators the tools they need to provide support and create a safe space in their classroom for your son,” advises Byard. “Visible signs of support, such as a GLSEN Safe Space sticker on a door, can fundamentally alter the school experience of an LGBT youth by helping them identify those adults in the community who are supportive.”

As for dating and sex…

“Treat your son with the same awkwardness you would your other kids,” says Byard. “I’m speaking as a mom myself now. Make sure he has access to all the health and safety information he needs. (Sitting down to watch reruns of Will & Grace together won’t cut it.) I have two daughters and want to be absolutely sure they have access to all the information they need to make smart and healthy—and potentially life-saving!—decisions. Make yourself available to talk whenever he needs and welcome his boyfriends inside the house the same way you would if they were girlfriends.”

I’m into BDSM and my safe word is “safe word.” It’s short, memorable, and unmistakable in its intent. Someone recently told me that “any serious BDSM player” would laugh me out of the community if I used that. Is she right? Is she just being a dickhead? Should I have to say something silly like “grapefruit” in order to get my point across?

Grapefruits Aren’t Good

I may not be the best person to adjudicate this dispute, GAG, as my safe word is “popcorn.” (And, yes, I cross my arms over my chest when I use it, as demonstrated here: tinyurl.com/safewordpopcorn.) But in my opinion, the woman who informed you that you would be laughed out of “the community” for your choice of safe word is being a huge dickhead. In fact, it sounds like she has a bad case of You’re Doing It Wrong.

YDIW is a social-skills disorder that members of the BDSM community are at particular risk of acquiring. (Others at heightened risk: religious conservatives, sports fans, advice columnists.) BDSMers with YDIW feel they have a right to inform other BDSMers that they’re doing it wrong—whatever it might be—even if the “it” being done wrong poses no risk to the YDIW sufferer or anyone else.

BDSM players should speak up, of course, when they witness other BDSMers doing something dangerously wrong. BDSMers who observe dangerous or nonconsensual play at public parties have a responsibility to speak the fuck up before someone is seriously injured. The secondary, tertiary, and quaternary goals of creating a BDSM community were the sharing of skills, the promotion of good play practices, and the holding of dangerous or malicious players to account, respectively. (The primary goal? Getting BDSMers laid.) But some BDSMers confuse a responsibility to speak up when they witness dangerous play for an invitation to critique other people’s kinks, sexual interests, preferred fetish roles, safe words, etc.

YDIW in BDSMers—and social conservatives—can be treated and cured through the application of “NO ONE GIVES A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK, ASSHOLE.” It should be applied liberally whenever YDIW flares up.

I enjoyed your pieces and posts about monogamish couples. However, it’s time for a Savage Love column or two dedicated to people who are in successful monogamous relationships! I have been with my partner for 10 years. Sure, we’ll both flirt with a cute waiter and dance with hot guys at gay clubs, but we always go home together. It pisses me off when people assume that, because we are gay, we’re having sex with every Tom, Dick, and Harry.

Couple Of Compatible Keepers

That’s a wonderful idea, COCK.

People in successful, long-term monogamous relationships—even those of you who aren’t but think you are—are invited to send in their stories. Letters from monogamous sufferers of YDIW will not make it into the column, however. If you can’t write about your monogamous relationship without disparaging those in nonmonogamous or monogamish relationships then, um, you’re doing it wrong. (I told you advice columnists were at heightened risk of YDIW.) Tell us why monogamy works for you, how you’ve made it work, and what the upsides are. But please refrain from telling everyone who isn’t doing it the way you do it that they’re doing it wrong. That’s my job.

CONFIDENTIAL TO CANADA’S UNKNOWN LAWYER: Next time there’s a legal hiccup in the fair application of Canada’s marriage laws where same-sex couple are concerned, let’s err on the side of not declaring thousands of same-sex marriages—mine included—to be “invalid,” shall we? Let’s skip the shitstorm next time and jump right to the fair and just resolution.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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269 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. @252, indeed it soon became clear to me that I was better off without her. It was a pity, though. She was an excellent mathematician (that’s how we met); thinking about problems in statistics with her was such a pleasure.

  2. @Mydriasis, who said:

    The fact that labels aren’t all-encompassing is what makes them fun. I like defying labels. Would you want a word that described you flawlessly?

    Indeed, a good question. No, I don’t think anyone would like there to be a word that describes them flawlessly (even Hofstadter’s “strange loop” ultimately fails, I think). We all like mystery.

    But in terms of words like ‘slut’, ‘nerd’, ‘liberal’, ‘intellectual’: the mind works by catagorizing. We can try fighting that – but good luck. I think a less futile and equally helpful goal would be to take the negativity out of labels and understand that they aren’t all encompassing, it’s been done successfully in the past.

    I agree entirely. If we remind ourselves that nobody is simply the list of whatever labels you might apply to him/her, and if we get rid of the negativity that some labels carry, we’d be much better off. (Which is why I tend not to like the language police, even when it goes against so-called ‘good’ targets like ethnic slur.)

    I note old ideas sometimes have more life in them than it seems. My mother-in-law was horrified at the prospect that my daughter might be left-handed. It turned out she wasn’t, but while that seemed unclear she did lists and lists of all the things necessary to ‘cure’ her…

    Which is why I wonder if we’ll be able to de-negativize labels. Offenses are necessary. People often need things to throw at other people they don’t like. If a certain label is de-negativized, another one might very well take the negativity and allow it to live on — unless the group that the term addresses stops being seen as deserving anger. (I think part of the reason why it wasn’t all that difficult to de-stigmatize left-handed people is that they aren’t really conspicuous, if you’re not looking for them. Black people, for instance, aren’t as lucky.)

  3. Finally! A thread in which experiences from 35 years ago might actually provide some useful historical context.

    In that long-ago era, a good many of the young women who wanted to have sex had been raised to believe there’s something unladylike in actually saying so. (At least in the Midwest.) As a result, it was quite normal for them to say no, all the while taking part in an otherwise quite normal session of lovemaking (not that anybody called it that).

    It wasn’t actually ‘No, stop doing that.’ It was more like ‘What are you doing to me?’ or ‘We have to stop this right now or my parents will hear’ or ‘I can’t be doing this because I already have a boyfriend.’ And meanwhile, undressing and stroking me and the like, and sure letting me do the same to her.

    This kind of thing disturbed me — I had heard about date rape even then, was quite sympathetic with what we called the Women’s Lib movement, and as much as I wanted to get laid I didn’t want to delay the revolution by acting like an asshole.

    But then I heard from the other guys that the same thing was happening to them: saying ‘no’ but doing ‘yes, yes, yes!.’ Girls could be as horny as we were — they just had to express some ambivalence about it.

    I had thought this was way back in prehistory until just about five years ago. I was about to begin an affair with a lady, also around 50, whom I knew to be quite experienced in such things. As she slipped out of her clothes she was saying ‘no — I can’t go through with this!’ And why? Because she was married? No: ‘because I haven’t shaved my legs.’

  4. @Blackrose

    This is hard for me to explain well in words.

    Um, yes. I do like nonverbal better than verbal. I’m not into dirty talk because I find it kind of cheesy, TBH. Again that’s just me!! I have been told that I have a very specific look that is VERY clear.

    If a guy was legitimately unsure if I was okay I’d be alright with answering him if he asked.

    In terms of the scenario you mentioned? When I read that, I picture a certain kind of guy doing that and it’s the kind of guy I stay far far away from. Not because he’s bad but because he’s the wrong kinds of masculine. I’m picturing the guy that lived with us briefly when my friend had to move out (no, I didn’t sleep with him and turning him down caused a whole mess of trouble). But if I try really hard to picture someone I’ve been with in the past doing that I guess it’d be ok by me.

    I guess where all this falls apart is this. You’ll either believe me when I say this or you’ll don’t, but here goes.

    I am very intuitive when it comes to people. I read them very well. I’ve mentioned this before. I’m not good with people (likeable, easy to get along with, etc) but I am good at people. I know how they work, I know who they are, and fast. Sometimes I’m wrong, we all are. But most of the time I’m not. With guys I can tell really fast what kind of guy they are. It’s not what they do, they could do everything exactly the way I specify. I could have my best friend hand them a play by play of what I want, but if that’s not them, I can smell it, and it won’t work.

    I’m sure that sounds like bullshit and you don’t have to believe it – but that’s why communication (in the context of winning me over) is irrelevant.

  5. @258: Sounds very cool. I wish you could read me and tell me what kind of guy I am. Can you do it over skype?

    What are the wrong kinds of masculine, and what are the right kinds? Did you mean the scenario with someone pulling you in and kissing you was the “wrong kind”?

  6. @224 mydriasis, @256 ank,

    It’s interesting that sinister refers to the left (or left-handed), while dexterous refers to being right-handed. (I checked out levo-, but that simply came from modern French).

    I used to play with dolls as a kid; G.I. Joes. Since my sisters had large Barbie collections, including the accessories, my troops had the coolest pink corvette to ride into battle with (I did put a machine gun on the trunk though). Those dolls would be worth some serious money nowadays, so it couldn’t have been all that scandalous. And as far as role models are concerned, one of my sisters was the neighborhood bully for a while (if she caught the boys acting like douchebags, she would “correct” their behavior). Of course when I was really young, 4ish, my sisters would dress me up like a doll (no, I don’t have a nylon fetish. Nylons are freakin’ hot and sweaty. I do like facial paints and costumes though.). We didn’t have legos, we had tinkertoys; by the time you got done with all the nuts and bolts: boring. Bottom line, what we like to play with (and whom) isn’t a gender role or sexual preference determinant. It should be seen as nothing more nefarious than what we like to do, and find fun and interesting.

    Peace.

  7. In slight defense of people who say no when they mean yes, I’ll admit that I’ve been in that boat in the past. Actually, it’s more of an “I enjoy letting him talk me into something dirty” thing than actually BEING talked into it. However, I have to add the disclaimer that my “No” that means yes is drastically different from my “No” that means no.
    I have always enjoyed playing coy. So a no that doesn’t actually mean no tends to be accompanied by giggles and nonverbal cues that would suggest that I’m not exactly unhappy with the situation. It’s more often than not less of a “No.” and more of a “What do you think you’re doing, you bad boy?” While I have had that conversation in advance with some people, it usually took at least a little of the fun out of it.
    However, I have had people try to push when I was definitely not interested. In those situations, I simply got up and left.
    It is definitely harder when you’re in a situation with someone you don’t know, because each of you is trying to get the others cues. Now that we’ve been together for awhile, for example, my boyfriend knows that I like to play sweet and innocent sometimes. And sometimes he enjoys forcing me out of that comfort zone and making me take control. Still getting used to that one, but it can certainly be fun.

  8. Exactly! Here’s what I’m saying…

    Step 1: notice person lacks trait x
    Step 2: identify trait x as “masculine”, therefore person “unmasculine”
    Step 3: identify masculine as “good” therefor unmasculine “bad”.
    Step 4: negative interpretation of person

    I object to step 3, not step 2.
    I see step 3 as more faulty, more problematic and easier to fix. Personally.

    Is that clearer? :/

  10. @261 “So a no that doesn’t actually mean no tends to be accompanied by giggles and nonverbal cues that would suggest that I’m not exactly unhappy with the situation.”

    I have a huge problem with this. My rape happened as an extension of a tickle scene. He had already been holding me down and tickling me (I’m very tickling), while I was hysterically laughing and saying no, no, no. When he pulled down my pants and went down on me, I was still saying no, and he was still not listening to me. There was no gap in time for me to catch my breath. When I did catch my breath, I managed to wriggle away, but it meant that my associations with cunnilingus were tainted with awfulness for the next ten years till I got over it.

    For all I know, he’d done this with plenty of girls before me.

    So – I tell my children that if someone’s saying no/stop, whether during tickling, roughhousing, whatever — you stop. I don’t care if that takes all the fun out of it. I hate tickling.

    Does someone want to make the argument that I’m ruining my kids’ childhood because I won’t let them tickle people who are saying no/stop?

    And I think that should go for every situation where the aggressor is not positive if the victim wants it to stop. Guess that does take some of the fun out of life.

    Sorry.

  12. @264: Agreed about tickling, but that’s clearly a very different situation and very different kind of “laugh” than the coy giggle Kate is talking about.

  14. @264 I can completely understand where you’re coming from. And I would certainly not be upset with someone if they DID take my no’s at face value. Though (and I’m sorry I didn’t do a good job of conveying this), it’s usually not an actual “NO” that leaves my mouth. It’s more of a “I can’t do that, I’m a good girl” type thing. I’m sure I have used the word no at one point or another.

    Also, anyone who has been told no by me can probably verify that I don’t have a problem with saying it adamantly (including a physical reminder if necessary).

  18. I am monogamous, and I want to address the other monogamous people who have been commenting here: NO ONE GIVES A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK, ASSHOLES.

    Isn’t it enough that our relationship style is not only the norm, but in many places the only kind accepted? Isn’t it enough that you met that special someone and are happy? Do you really need to come in here and say (as 26 did) that meeting The One is better than having multiple partners? Do you really need a cookie for doing what you’ve been socially conditioned to do? Because I don’t, and it makes me wonder why you’re all so desperate for the attention.

  19. It’s funny, because one of the BDSM play party clubs I used to go to….the house safe word was just that. Safe word. It was put in place so that the dungeon monitors could keep an eye on every scene going on, and if they heard it, they could make sure the scene stopped.

    I think it’s a perfectly valid safe word. Personally, I prefer red. As in red=I don’t want this at all, yellow=I’m not sure, can we slow down, and green=all is good, keep going, more more more!

    Anyone who says it isn’t a valid safe word is probably not actually involved in a very good BDSM social scene, and are definitely suffering from, as Dan calls it, YDIW.

    It’s funny the things people get hung up on.

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