My husband is a very kinky submissive man. When we were dating, I found out that he had been talking to multiple people online and that he had met up with a professional dom a couple of times. I felt betrayed that he had done this all behind my back, even though I had told him that I would be down with him seeing a dom. (I even offered to buy him a session for his birthday!)
We got through it, and now our sex life is amazing. I tie him up, I lock his dick up, I dress him up. All I ask in return is that he be honest with me about who he’s talking with online. Is that unreasonable? I know he chats with “women” online as a “woman,” and I’m okay with that so long as I’m made aware of it. But today I found pictures on his phone of his cock in the chastity device I keep him in. He tried to lie but he came clean: He was chatting with a woman, it came out that he was a man, and she wanted to see pictures of his cock in his chastity belt.
Why lie? Honest to God, if he would have just told me the day he sent the pictures that he sent someone pictures of his cock, I would be okay with it! I also found another e-mail account he never told me about that he’s using when he chats online as a woman. Again, no big deal! But I was under the impression that he used just this one chat program for chatting! Why hide it? My vanilla friends will be no help in this matter, and I feel pretty heartbroken. So I’m asking you.
He Isn’t Telling Me Everything
Before I can respond to your question, HITME, I’ve gotta sacrifice a goat to the snooping-is-always-wrong Gods, or the snooping-
is-always-wrong jihadists will cut my head off. It’ll just take a sec: Snooping is always wrong! You invaded your husband’s privacy! That was wrong! WRONG!
Moving on…
Your husband hit the jackpot when he met you, HITME. There aren’t a lot of women out there who would embrace—much less marry—a man with his particular collection of kinks. You’ve been GGG and all you’ve asked in return is… total transparency and the immediate, real-time disclosure of all outside flirtations and contacts as they happen. Why can’t the kinky ingrate honor this agreement? Only he knows the answer to that question, HITME, but I suspect one of two issues is at play…
Your husband may be ashamed—he may have been brutally shamed in past relationships—about the extent of his kinks and about just how much of his time and erotic energy his kinks consume. You may be completely sincere when you tell him you’re okay with everything, HITME, so long as there’s immediate and full disclosure. But he may fear that sharing the full extent of his online activities will leave you feeling either squicked out or threatened. So he downplays and minimizes, disclosing some but not all, because he doesn’t want to lose you. If this is the issue, impress upon your husband that hiding shit from you represents a bigger threat to his marriage than full disclosure ever could.
Or…
Having and keeping sexual secrets may turn your husband on, HITME, and having a secret life could be another one of his kinks. Even if this is the issue, HITME, I think you two should be able to come to mutually agreeable terms that accommodate both his desire to have a secret and your need for full disclosure.
Here’s a potential compromise: He doesn’t keep anything from you, HITME, but he doesn’t disclose in real time. So long as he’s not being unsafe or neglectful, so long as his online activities remain online-only, he can carry on flirting and texting and pic swapping. But every few months, you get to depose his submissive ass. You get to sit him down and ask him questions, and he answers all your questions truthfully and opens up about any current secrets that your questions didn’t uncover. This way, he can have all the erotic secrets he wants (he’ll just have to make new ones every few months), and you can have the transparency you need (you just won’t have it immediately). Good luck.
I’m a 29-year-old gay guy who’s not sure where to find what I’m looking for. I’m turned on by the idea of a dominant guy, but most of the guys I attract are pure vanilla. When I look online at the fetish-friendly dating sites, most of the dom guys say shit like “If you have a list of things you will and won’t do, you’re not a sub.” I want to give up control, but I don’t want to be some guy’s “bitch.” Can there be dominance without degradation? Is a boyfriend who’s an equal in life but in charge in the bedroom a unicorn? Where do I look?
Needs Include Controlling Empathy
The dominant boyfriend you’re looking for is out there somewhere, NICE, you just need to keep looking. And remember: Sometimes, dominant boyfriends are made, not born. By which I mean: Don’t rule out the vanilla boys you attract. A guy who likes you is gonna want to meet your needs, sexual and otherwise. If you give a vanilla boy a chance, and if you’re honest about what turns you on, you may find that you awaken something in one of those vanilla guys that was there all along—a little dominant streak—but would’ve lain dormant if it weren’t for you.
And you were right to run from those dominant tops who insisted that “true subs” don’t have preferences, limits, or lists, NICE. Not even submissive guys who are into degradation and being someone’s “bitch” should fall for—or submit to—that kind of crap.
Your question last week from the guy who “stumbled over” his brother’s femdom sex blog reminded me of a funny story: My little brother came out to my conservative-but-not-particularly-religious Jewish parents in 1995. It was rough. Our parents refused to help pay for my wedding because I insisted on inviting my brother and his boyfriend. Mom and Dad are now rightly embarrassed by their behavior and they worship his husband. (It helps that my brother married a doctor—some stereotypes are true.)
Last year, my parents found out that my older brother—their straight son—is kinky. A vindictive ex hacked into his e-mail and sent a letter to everyone in his address book. Big bro has a dungeon, his current girlfriend is his slave, he’s made BDSM porn. The e-mail came with pictures no mother would want to see. Mom, completely distraught, called her gay son: “Why can’t Josh have a normal relationship!” she cried. “Like yours!”
So far as Mom is concerned, her gay son is normal and her straight son is a freak. Is that progress, Dan?
Brothers Done Shocking Mom
I don’t know if it’s progress, BDSM, but it’s hilarious. And I trust that you’re sticking up for your kinky straight brother now just like you stuck up for your gay brother back in the day.
Be sure to listen to me interrogate Ira Glass on the Savage Lovecast this week—when he’s allowed to make fart jokes, he’s a whole new man: thestranger.com/savage.
@fakedansavage on Twitter
I love HITME’s phrasing: “Honest to God, if he would have just told me the day he sent the pictures that he sent someone pictures of his cock, I would be okay with it! “
It sounds so detergent commercialish. “Sheesh! My husband and his secret cock pictures! I’ve tried everything!”
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…
Great column this week: interesting questions, kind and thoughtful, and maybe even helpful responses, and the funniest story I’ve read/’heard’ in a while.
All this and Ira Glass in the morning. And it’s not even my birthday! Thanks.
@1
I love that you noticed that.
“Oy vey!”
I think the “snooping-is-always-wrong” crowd might not have a leg to stand on given that she has the key to his cock cage. I’m guessing he doesn’t have a lot of privacy privileges (and wouldn’t want them). Maybe they should agree that she can check his accounts whenever she feels the need, and if he hides accounts from her they can come up with specific consequences, like no web access for 24 hours?
With people who are prone to lying (teenagers, for instance), it sometimes helps to avoid focusing on the lies themselves, and focus instead on whether generally the person is behaving decently to you and to others. As someone on here explained to me recently, a lie can reflect a desire for some privacy, some personal space…
Surprisingly apolitical column this week. We’re still waiting for Santorum to dry up and blow away. Obama 2012!
@Jill: LOL…let’s hope that there’s no ring around the collar.
Snooping without just cause is wrong. However; once you have real reasons (not just jealousy or paranoia)to materially doubt a SO then ensuring your personal safety trumps the privacy rights of the SO. IMO when someone chooses to seriously lie to, deceive, and/or betray their SO all bets are off and they forfeit their right to privacy. No one has the right to put someone else’s health or life at risk without that person’s knowledge and consent.
@8 Me, I think some people are snoops, and some people can’t stand being spied on. Those people shouldn’t date each other.
But many people are in the middle. They don’t want to date someone who constantly spies on them, but they can stand some degree of snooping (they give each other their passwords, for instance, so that the passenger can read out emails/texts for the person who is driving). I’m not a horrible snoop, but I couldn’t stand to date someone who got furious if I read an email over his shoulder. We just wouldn’t be compatible.
I’m voting for what’s behind door two for HITME. He’s definitely in to keeping secrets.
And snooping…so complicated! I think if it starts as an honest stumble and then continues because someone stumbled on a pile of santorum and they need to see how bad the problem is, then snoop away!
I love Dan’s advice to HITME. It’s so perfect, and should make everyone happy, and, as we all know, Dan is all about the happy!
Letter 3 is sweet, awesome and hilarious. What a great column this week, Dan. Thank you so much!
The advice to HITME is great, spot on. Also an interesting perspective on how it is deceit that hurts people, not necessarily conduct.
As once again the letter does not make it obvious and one must assume that Mr Savage was privy to an indicator, I’ll just say that the first letter would be much more interesting if HITME were male. I think I am going to start docking LWs about a third of a grade in sympathy if they rely on presumed heterosexuality, even with formerly reliable indicators such as “married” or “husband”.
As for NICE, I think Mr Savage is on to something. This is just the result of personal observation, but being so fortunate as to find a sufficiently GGG vanilla partner who turns out to be adapatable enough to provide satisfaction greatly reduces the chance of power creep, at least for a male couple. I think it’s different for female or mixed couples, though. I shouldn’t put it in the unicorn class, but I’ve seen this sort of situation play out better long-term when one partner is mostly being GGG.
I think HITME is doing it to get caught and punished. He doesn’t want you to be OK with it. So punish him and when he does it again, rinse, repeat . . .
Great column this week! People should chill about the “snooping” thing–I look at my husband’s phone all the time for innocent reasons, which he’s okay with, and if I came across something left there by accident it certainly wouldn’t be because I was trying to sniff it out like some kind of detective.
Yeah, HITME, here’s another vote for door #2. I’m bettin’ that your hubbie is into his secrets, & if you catch him/snoop on him, it only makes him more creative in how to sneak around on you. He should utterly worship you, BTW, Dan has the right of it. He’s not gonna give up his online activities. So hopefully you can find some way to incorporate this into your play.
& NICE..keep listening to your gut. Anyone who wants you to submit all the way w/ no restrictions, right off the bat, is a schmuck. Keep looking. Don’t rule out the vanilla becoming vanilla spice someday.
If I said much of anything other than, nice work this week, Dan, I’d just be echoing other commenters above.
I think I’m just a skosh too old to be okay w/ someone having my passwords & random access to my phone. There’s nothin’ going on there or anything. Just, when I’m living w/ someone, I figure they have access to most of my life anyhow. I just want that tiny scrap of privacy to myself. Fortunately most folks I’ve dated recently feel similarly.
Wow, the answer to HITME is one of the most nuanced pieces of advice I’ve read lately. I try to guess what Dan’s recommendations will be before reading his response, but the possibility that HITME’s man has a thing for dirty secrets did not occur to me. I guess that’s the sort of thing you have to spend a few years in the business to pick up on. Call me a Savage fanboy if you want, but I’m just telling it like it is.
Uuuuuh a couple of things.
Dan’s advice to HITME seems…don’tcha think…kinda lame?
And I felt like something was missing from the letter, anyway. Like, maybe she doesn’t come across as GGG as she would like to believe. And that’s why her husband feels ashamed.
Dan, I never normally would say this, but I think you’re wrong on the first letter.
I think the guy didn’t tell her about his online activities because he didn’t trust his wife when she said she’d be okay with it.
After all, she said she’d be okay with him seeing a Dom, even going so far as to offer to pay for it… and when he saw a Dom, she freaked the fuck out. They had to have one of those long talks where she talked about how betrayed she was, and *eventually* they got through it.
How the hell was he supposed to believe her when she said she’d be okay with him chatting to other women online?
In his position, I wouldn’t have believed her either.
Dan, I never normally would say this, but I think you’re wrong on the first letter.
I think the guy didn’t tell her about his online activities because he didn’t trust his wife when she said she’d be okay with it.
After all, she said she’d be okay with him seeing a Dom, even going so far as to offer to pay for it… and when he saw a Dom, she freaked the fuck out. They had to have one of those long talks where she talked about how betrayed she was, and *eventually* they got through it.
How the hell was he supposed to believe her when she said she’d be okay with him chatting to other women online?
In his position, I wouldn’t have believed her either.
@ 22, Belgacom: I agree. Feeling (no matter what) that you cannot open up to your spouse *honestly* about what gets you off…
For someone like me, nothing gets me hotter and makes me wanna do anything like being with someone who can trust their deepest desires with me. Knowing that I won’t judge or condemn, but perhaps even helping out to make my man’s fantasies a reality.
Some people are shaped to feel they need to be “ashamed” of what actually gets them off. This is quite sad and totally unnecessary. Interconnectedness as people is the biggest turn on for me. But then, I’ve never been one to pick up a stray piece of strange, fuck ’em and send them on their way with cab fare. I like investing myself into someone for real.
I have tips for both HITME and NICE. HITME says she “dresses him up”. If I am correct that her husband is a crossdresser, then Dan is right on the money that he’s probably hiding the sheer volume of exhibitionism. From my experience most crossdressers have an absolutely insatiable desire to be admired. The maddening thing for those of us who are attracted to them is that it’s all a tease. Crossdressers rarely follow through with their online sluttiness. They only crave the attention, not the actual sexual conduct. So on the one hand, she doesn’t need to worry that it will lead to something more. On the other hand, the behavior isn’t going to stop. A better suggestion than Dan’s is if she becomes handy with a camera, gets a FetLife account, and then starts taking and posting pix of her husband dressed, pointing out to the world what a slut “she” is. That way the husband gets all the lewd admiration he needs, and the wife gets to act as gatekeeper. If she’s open to it, and it sounds like she might be.
As for NICE, all subs have (or should have) limits. However, in the scene there is the tiresome expectation that both doms and dommes are dominant all the time in the relationship, not just in the bedroom. What NICE should be looking for isn’t a dom, but a top. A top in the real world is much more vanilla than a top in the BDSM scene. A BDSM top does all the kinky things a dom does, but outside of the bedroom treats his partner as an equal.
@21 – she freaked out because he wasn’t upfront with her. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be upfront with someone supportive of your kinks. She didn’t freak out about the dom, she freaked out about the secrecy/lying. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.
@ 24, Marrena: You make a lot of sense. I like this bit that you wrote:
“If I am correct that her husband is a crossdresser, then Dan is right on the money that he’s probably hiding the sheer volume of exhibitionism. From my experience most crossdressers have an absolutely insatiable desire to be admired. The maddening thing for those of us who are attracted to them is that it’s all a tease. Crossdressers rarely follow through with their online sluttiness. They only crave the attention, not the actual sexual conduct. So on the one hand, she doesn’t need to worry that it will lead to something more.”
I can see that. It’s a bit like enjoying flirting casually with people you see on the street. You can enjoy *the attention* of flirting, but after that, it’s all on you as to whether or not that would be enough.
I have found that a lot of people who are markedly very imposing outwardly; those who possess a strong, outer presence are Sometimes those who crave to give up control in the sack.. Allowing someone else to take up the slack of the burden of being in charge all of the time..
Dan’s right that a GGG guy or woman could surprise you in fulfilling your wish to be dominated, but not emasculated or degraded. What’s really so hot about treating your lover like dogshit? What kind of true satisfaction could that be? A lil’ teasing and playfulness in the sack goes a long way.
I would rather know everything and deal with it all together than not know and feel that I wasn’t enough of a person to be trusted with my man’s desires.. Honesty is everything, man. It’s a two-way street. I never minded making an example of my own honesty to make someone else more comfortable with theirs; you have to give it out to get it back.
And all that good stuff 🙂 .
“Dominants” that say anything about what a “real” or “true” submissive does have probably only chatted online or they’re not mentally stable.
Tying someone up, dressing them up and all that is quite fun, and cool. I’d rather lock up my man’s goods in my mouth, or another available orifice..
As far as the cross-dressing and the online stuff goes, it may have been a line crossed having your husband send a picture of his dick to someone over the internet (or pic text 😉 ).
In a way, it’s not that much different than just jacking off with your iPad: it’s just that you throw on a well-accessorized ensemble to complement that string or pearls.. Actual or liquid lol.
Even a gentle GGG person can demonstrate behavior normally associated with a Top. The whole idea of being nothing more than an absolute Top & Bottom is rather vanilla in itself. Life’s more fluid and complex than that.
I myself am gay: no woman, no bi 🙂 . I am also a long-haired, rock and roll-loving cat who loves to rock out and write (reading’s cool, too 🙂 ).
Because I’m about 5’9″ and have shoulder-length brown hair (being of average attractiveness facially also helps). In a way, I’m already something of a cross-dresser, except it’s hair. I’ve never had a desire to wear women’s clothes. Not seriously anyway. I’d try on a frock if it would make my man happy. We can even dress up together. Why limit what you could possibly do?
I do find it worrisome when the desire to be dominated is mixed in with self-esteem issues and or a feeling that you don’t deserve to be treated better, fairly, or with affection and respect.
I guess I do have a streak of ‘Top’ in me. I’d cater that to my man if he wanted to be a little less of a ‘Top’ than usual.
It all comes down to how well two people in a relationship really gel, and how well they can honestly communicate what gets them off.
I’m quite open-minded and generally a non-judgmental person. It takes all kinds to make the world go ’round. If you’re into who you’re with, you’ll always find a way to make the effort to understand and please who you’re with, unless you’re someone who doesn’t give two shits about whether or not anyone you’re fucking is getting off with you. It gets me *hotter* knowing I turned my man on as fully as I could.
The Truth Is Better (and Sometimes, Stranger:) ) Than Fiction.
The Truth That Shall Set You Free To Feel The Bliss Of Being Restrained;).
+~+
But if he wanted me to lock his junk up in some sort of chastity belt device, I’d do that!
Not sure why that’d be so hot for him, but it’d probably tickle me to see him wearing one!
Being a ‘Top’ is more about having the natural sort of personality to lead the way here and there in the sack. You can be a top without being a heartlessly-domineering, crude bastard. Balance…
Maybe HITME’S hubby is actually bi. I never really understood how men could cross-dress and not be into wanting outside cock. But then, that’s just me.
The forbidden is always enticing.
Being a ‘Top’ is more about leading the way towards seducing who you’re with into sheer ecstacy..
May It Be 🙂 .
I’m with the ‘snooping is wrong’ crowd because yes, sometimes people do want to have their own private thoughts and do not necessarily want to hurt other people.
I’ve beentheredonethatandgottheshirt too, and had some terrible experiences with insecure snoopers who gave me absolutely no space and no privacy. It was driven by their incessant need to seek out any and all possible negative thoughts, ideas or anything else ‘scary’ to justify their constant fears. At some point, you wind up just going “oh hell, you want it, here it IS: Boooo!” and just running them off. And really, LW#2 demonstrates what that is all about! Why is it repressive conservatism inevitably brings out the twisted kinky?
I have one ex who could have been (be?) similarly vindictive. She did make some untrue claims (of a sexual nature) about me and what happened to cause our demise, but she didn’t dish out all the dirt she could; maybe because I had pictures to back up my version of our exploits. Thankfully, we have both moved on and appear to be settled happily into new relationships.
I don’t think that’s the truth in the case of LW1 – I’m with the folks opting for door #2 – part of what gets him off is the sneaking – it’s not as much fun just being out in the open and including her. I’d bet that, not just the deceit, but that part of it excludes her, is what bugs her.
@30 if that is his kink (excluding her), you can’t blame her for being frustrated. He didn’t tell her about that kink early on to see if she wanted to date/marry someone who was tweaked that way… and he still hasn’t admitted to it. Maybe because he hasn’t admitted it to himself.
@ 30: If HITME wants to be secretive, then be secretive and cover yer damn tracks, then!
I equate what’s going on to being caught masturbating by someone else. The distinction here is that HITME’s wife found out her hubby sent a pic of his cock to some other dom chick over the ‘net.
Most people have something sexy, a bit illicit or secretive that they turn to to get themselves off. Shit, I’m 42 and I *still* masturbate at least once a day. So much for libido decreasing with age..
Sneaking off is only ok if he contains the action to himself (no consummated physical cheating with anyone else other than his wife) and *moreover keeps track of his evidence*, then what’s the big deal? Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and desires. That’s why people in happy relationships still have a wank in solo privacy. It’s allowed! No one person can fulfill someone’s every need.
Respect for one another’s feelings and honesty is the way to go. A balance must be struck.
Scenario 3: He’s cheating on her. That’s what I think.
I just have to say, fuck that guy who poses as a girl online to exchange pictures with other girls. Given how much Dan bitches about that sort of shit going on on Craigslist, I’m surprised it was just sort of overlooked in his response.
It’s hard enough for girls to find other girls out there without half of the people they are talking to being guys pretending to be someone they aren’t. The guy is lying to his extremely understanding wife, which is bad enough, but he is also apparently lying to everyone he meets online as well. Am I the only one that sees that as wrong? Am I the only one that would have responded with a resounding dump that lying piece of shit?
Maybe I’m just overly sensitive. 😛
(Sorry to hog space here and everything but…)
@ 31, EricaP: Great point you made:
“…if that is his kink (excluding her), you can’t blame her for being frustrated. He didn’t tell her about that kink early on to see if she wanted to date/marry someone who was tweaked that way… and he still hasn’t admitted to it. Maybe because he hasn’t admitted it to himself.”
Has he admitted it to himself?? THAT’S the real question, here.
They just need to throw down, hash it out and get real. There’s no other way around it, really.
Just be as brave as you can, as honest as you can.
Just do your best and the rest usually takes care of itself, I’ve found.
Why Bother dressing up as a girl (when you’re a man) to pick up other girls??
Wouldn’t one go through all of that to get some dick, instead of some poon-tang?
It takes all kinds, I guess!
@34, ya gotta take everything on the internet with a grain of salt. If you’re going to be pissed off to discover that the girl you’ve been chatting with has a dick, then you should probably expect to be pissed off pretty often.
@36 you are mistaking what HITME’s husband is doing. He’s mainly sharing pix of himself dressed up as a woman with other men who dress up as women. Very few cis-women are into that sort of thing. I happen to be one of them. The woman he shared the pix of his locked-up junk was another. The rarity of the female interest must have been hard for him to resist. Usually other CD’s aren’t interested in cockpix, they are all about the stockings and lingerie.
@ 38, Marrena: Thanks. Yeah: I must’ve missed that part of the 1st letter:
“..you are mistaking what HITME’s husband is doing. He’s mainly sharing pix of himself dressed up as a woman with other men who dress up as women.”
Gotcha. It’s a bit like playing ‘Dungeons (no pun intended? ;-D lol) & Dragons’, but instead of role-playing as some whacko wizard or some shit, you’re dressing up in stockings, a halter top and mini-skirt..
I *have* pretended to be a chick to get straight guys off on the ‘net before (who hasn’t done a lil’ of that for the hey of it 😉 ), but I wouldn’t (this is just me) wanna or need to hang out with other people like me trying to do the same thing: pretending to be a chick to get some straight, etc. guy off.
I sometimes wonder if the cross-dressing fetish, and even bi-ness, is a consequence of a distant mother figure. Who knows?
So, really, it’s a bit like sharing enthusiasm for collecting vintage baseball cards, when in effect, the token baseball card is lingerie, stockings and some lurvly fuck-me pumps!
To each their own, as the great saying goes.
Maybe I should try cross-dressing. I’d probably look like a right asshole, but that could be part of the goof in trying it all out for size!
🙂
Grammar police here again …
What’s with multiple “XXX asked Terry and I YYY”
on the current Ira Glass Podcast?
C’mon Dan, you DO know better!
Well, drag queens crossdress to get a wider spectrum of available men, but that’s a different sort of crossdressing altogether. Most crossdressers aren’t gay. The majority tend to be bi, but often bi with other crossdressers, so not your typical sort of gay man. Drag queens are gay.
It may simply be that HITME’s husband is compensating for the lack of control in his daily life. Isn’t it human nature to want some control somewhere? Happy as he may be in his submission, it just seems natural to want some small area of his life that’s just for him.
Re HITME, I’m gonna go with “likes secrets”. That one will be a tough kink to break, not least because you can’t know if you’ve broken it or just driven it underground.
If that is his kink, it seems she could do well to make honesty more rewarding than secrets. There are plenty of ways to do that, from the slow handjob interrogation/indoctrination (one of my personal favorites) to secretly monitoring his activities and contouring his rewards and punishments accordingly.
Good luck, HITME. You’re a treasure, and any sub would be lucky to have you playing along with them.
Ah, I didn’t realize he was dressing as a girl for other guys dressing as a girl. I thought he was sending pictures of actual girls claiming to be them, which happens all the damn time. And really sucks. 😛
@41 “often bi with other crossdressers”
Marrena, do you tend to see an evolution, where they start out seeing themselves as just straight, then gradually admit the cross-dressing is important to them, then gradually admit they’re interested in other men who cross-dress? And if so, do you see more of a tendency for them to want sex with people who have both breasts and cocks, or more of a tendency to want sex with people who just have cocks or breasts (not both)?
I am more in line with Mr. J’s line of thinking than with the possibility that HITME’s husband has a secret kink for keeping secrets. I think this is more about having some aspect of his sexuality that is within his control. I also see this as being about maintaining some autonomy.
For some people, autonomy matters, for others it’s of less importance. Our esteemed Ms. EricaP has stated many times that (in her approach) married people tell each other everything. Dan endorses full disclosure as well. But I don’t think that is something that works for everyone. I think I’m one of those people.
I’ve been married a long long time. More than half of my lifetime, literally all of my adult life. And I didn’t figure out until fairly recently that I reallyn do need to have something that is just mine. It sounds fairly childish and selfish, but I really don’t think it is. Some people need to maintain that sense of me separate from the we of the relationship.
I came at this whole crossdressing thing with a completely open mind, but I have to say that from my experience crossdressers tend to have remarkably similar sexualities and psychologies.
Usually the crossdressing comes before the deciding whether gay or straight. The crossdressing itself starts either in childhood or early teenaged years. Of course then it raises questions. But usually crossdressers identify as completely straight until they go all pink fog and really get into the crossdressing. When dressed they usually identify as straight women and over time that starts to make them wonder what it would be like to give blowjobs and be the receiver in anal sex while dressed. But almost always they are emotionally interested in women. The ideal for most crossdressers seems to be as a submissive serving a dominant woman who occasionally “forces” them to serve men, often while in chastity.
From what I’ve seen crossdressers generally love bondage, are submissive, and love to serve women. With the lack of dominant women out there into them, the more heteroflexible ones tend to fall into CD-CD sex hookups, but those don’t tend to be emotionally intimate relationships.
I came at this whole crossdressing thing with a completely open mind, but I have to say that from my experience crossdressers tend to have remarkably similar sexualities and psychologies.
Usually the crossdressing comes before the deciding whether gay or straight. The crossdressing itself starts either in childhood or early teenaged years. Of course then it raises questions. But usually crossdressers identify as completely straight until they go all pink fog and really get into the crossdressing. When dressed they usually identify as straight women and over time that starts to make them wonder what it would be like to give blowjobs and be the receiver in anal sex. But almost always they are emotionally interested in women. The ideal for most crossdressers seems to be as a submissive serving a dominant woman who occasionally “forces” them to serve men, often while in chastity.
From what I’ve seen crossdressers generally love bondage, are submissive, and love to serve women. With the lack of dominant women out there into them, they more heteroflexible ones tend to fall into CD-CD sex hookups, but they want to love and serve women.
“Lain”, Dan?! WTF? You really dug deep for that one, man.
Just skimmed the comments so I hope I’m not repeating a suggestion someone else made but here’s a thought: could the husband in letter #1 keep a naughty diary documenting his adventures? It could, in turn, play a role in disclosure to his wife. Maybe it could be locked up with a key for bonus boner-making, if he’s got a secrecy fetish.
And preemptively: since this would probably lead to him writing fantasies (which would make it harder for his wife to know what’s going on during approved Diary Inspections), maybe a rule could be made that he must document all facts in black ink — and any additional writing (i.e. fantasies) would have to be in another colour.
Just a thought!
@48, thanks, Marrena. Interesting that (many of) these men think of themselves as alternately man and woman, but always straight. Myself, I think of myself as a bit queer when I play with cross-dressing men. But maybe I’m just flattering myself.
@46 – just want to clarify that my ideal is complete honesty between spouses, but I’m learning to accept that I’m not actually going to get that.
@HITME:
Dan just proposed monthly interrogation scenes. I suggest taking maximum advantage of this! 😀