Savage Love

I recently discovered,
accidentally, while moving things out of my 16-year-old son’s room
prior to a renovation, a cache of my sex toys that had mysteriously
disappeared over the past year. While I’ve wondered how it was possible
to misplace a glow-in-the-dark crucifix-shaped dildo (complete with
Jesus in relief), it never dawned on me that it might be an inside
job.

This raises several issues. There’s the
you-stole-my-stuff problem, with responses available from the full
range of the passive-aggressive scale. But the nature of the swag
complicates matters. I kind of need to know whether he took them to
snicker over with his friends or whether he has used them. I’m dead
certain if he’s used my insertables, that he did so without putting
condoms on them first.

So it seems I need to force the
you-stole-my-stuff conversation in order to have the safe-toy-use
conversation. Suggestions?

Discomfited Aged Deviant

You’re gonna have to have a long talk with
the little shit, DAD.

First, apologize for
snooping—accidentally, of course, during “a renovation.” Uh-huh.
Then bring up the sex toys. Be matter-of-fact about it, DAD, but firm
enough to communicate a sense of violation: He violated your privacy
and your glow-in-the-dark crucifix-shaped dildo, a sex toy that was
consecrated to your orifice(s) and your orifice(s) alone. (“Your
orifice(s)” refers to your own personal orifice, DAD, as well as the
orifices of your chosen sex partners, a position that is not—one
hopes—open to your 16-year-old son.) Don’t let on that you’re
embarrassed, even if you are—force a smile, if you can.

Then turn the tables on your son and
embarrass the shit out of the little shit: Ask him if he was
penetrating himself with your crucidildo, and ask him if he has any
questions about sex toys in general or butt toys in particular. He’ll
insist that he wasn’t sticking that thing in his
ass—although we both know he was—because he’ll want to end
this conversation as quickly as possible. Your job, DAD, is to drag…
this… talk… out… to achieve maximum mortification.

Tell him that you’re aware that he might be
too shy to admit to using butt toys or to ask for info about the proper
use of butt toys, so… you’re going to walk him through butt-toy
safety and etiquette just to be on the safe side. Then explain it all
to him. Tell him about the importance of using lots of lube, of washing
sex toys with hot water and a little soap after each use, of putting
condoms over them for safety’s sake—and tell him about how one
preps an orifice to accept a glow-in-the-dark crucifix (and just how
many “Our Fathers” one has to say for penance after doing such a
thing). Conclude by pointing out that sex toys aren’t something people
share (particularly with their parents), so the one you’d been using,
the one he stole and used himself, is going to have to be deconsecrated
now, i.e., disposed of. Then offer to get him one of his own and a
bottle of lube.

The point is to make him feel bad for
invading your privacy and swiping your stuff, DAD, but not for whatever
it was he might have done with your stuff. A nice long talk about butt
toys—safe use, storage, ethical procurement—will make him
realize that violating your privacy and stealing your sex toys invites
conversations that he doesn’t want to have with his dad.

My wife of three years has a
problem with me masturbating. At one point, we made a deal that I
wouldn’t do it while she’s in the house. That would be just fine with
me, except that she is rarely out of the house without me. Our sex is
really, really great, but I’m pretty horny and I like to masturbate
once in a while. She says that she feels like I’m cheating on her.
About a year ago, I DID cheat on her—yes, I’m an idiot—and
maybe this is my punishment, but I’ve always needed to masturbate a
lot. I do it to relieve stress and sometimes just because I get horny
and I want to stop being horny in a minute or two so that I can
concentrate on something else. This just doesn’t have very much to do
with her, and I feel stupid trying to justify myself to her on this
matter. How do you think I should resolve this situation?

Jerk Off

When someone you love is irrational and
controlling about some aspect of your private life that doesn’t involve
or affect her—say, your masturbatory routine, JO—you have
two options.

First, you can waste a lot of time and
energy trying to talk her out of being irrational and controlling and
idiotic. That approach is unlikely to make things better, and it could
make matters worse: “Gee, you must really love to beat off without me
around, seeing as you’re really going to the mat for this.”

Your second, and far superior, option is to
tell her what she wants to hear—”For you, I won’t
masturbate”—and then beat off when you want to or when you need
to and lie about it. Beat off on the kitchen table when she’s out of
the house; slip away for 10 minutes to take a “crap” or a “nap” when
she’s home. So long as you’re an attentive lover and you’re not
neglecting her needs, and so long as you’re not inconsiderately leaving
evidence all over the place (wash out your own crusty come socks), feel
free to work around her irrationality with a little harmless
deceit.

I dislike a lot of things about your column: I disagree with your stance on religion and I’m
against homosexual marriage. But I love reading your column: It’s like
a car wreck—I have to look. So I have a question for you.

I am a 32-year-old heterosexual married man.
My wife and I have a great sex life. We have been married just over a
year. She is pretty open to just about anything, except ONE thing: When
she is blowing me, sometimes instead of coming in her mouth, I want to
come all over her face. She finds that repulsive. She normally has no
problem with swallowing my come or letting me come on her chest. But
for some reason, the face just creeps her out. She says it’s degrading.
Now, I cannot for the life of me understand how unloading on her face
is any more degrading than coming in her mouth or on her chest.

Any advice?

Facials Are Causing Embarrassment

Sorry, FACE, but your wife is correct:
Facials are degrading—and that’s why they’re so hot. Now,
I would normally arm a married man in your predicament with some killer
talking points guaranteed to convince his wife to let him blow a load
on her face, FACE, but… I’m not going to help you out. While being
denied a little sex advice doesn’t compare to being denied the right to
wed, I reserve the right to discriminate against straight married
assholes who support discrimination against me.

Now, if there’s a married straight man out
there who supports marriage equality and wants some advice on talking
the wife into facials, I would be more than happy to share my surefire,
fail-proof, 100-percent-guaranteed pro-facial arguments with
you. And if you’re a justice on the Iowa State Supreme
Court—which last week ruled unanimously in favor of marriage
equality for same-sex couples—I’ll toss in a free phone
consultation.

mail@savagelove.net