I am a 28-year-old straight
woman who has been dating a 24-year-old straight male for two months.
Recently, I gave him oral sex while he was seated naked on my couch.
The next day, as I went to sit on the couch, I noticed a brown stain on
the cushion that looked highly suspicious. I have come to the
conclusion that it was, in fact, poo. The stain had a streakish quality
and was located where his buttcrack region was placed during the
encounter. And furthermore, I smelled it. And I know what shit smells
like!
Okay, so the question: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!
Is this normal for men? Can I talk to him about this? Should I? I would
like to be open and honest with him, but how do I even broach the
subject?
I suspect that he knows that shit stains are
an issue for him, because we were recently packing for a weekend trip
and he got upset when I went to fold/pack his underwear. He wouldn’t
let me handle the undies because he didn’t want me to “see any stains.”
I didn’t think anything of it, assuming that he left occasional skid
marks as some guys do, and I just made a joke about my period panties
and moved on. But now I am annoyed. He should have realized what had
happened when I blew him and at least tried to clean it up while I was
sleeping or otherwise occupied.
Is pooping on the couch a deal breaker? Or
can we be “cleaner” in the future and protect my bedding and furniture
somehow?
Shit On Furniture Annoys Girl A Lot
Seeing as he’s aware that he has a
problem—he acknowledged as much when he kept his underwear out of
your hands—this straight boy, at the very least, should’ve
thought to spot-check your sofa after grinding his ass into it for the
duration of that blowjob. But you have to take some responsibility,
too, SOFAGAL. You encouraged this young man to plop his naked ass down
on your sofa and proceeded to engage in the kinds of behaviors that
would cause any man to (1) open his legs and (2) grind his ass into
whatever he happened to be sitting on. And where bare asses are set,
shit stains are always a possibility.
So I’d say you’re both at fault, SOFAGAL.
Knowing what he knows about his own ass, the boy should’ve eyeballed
your sofa and discreetly cleaned up after himself. But, again, shit
stains can happen when you allow a nude man to sit his bare ass on your
sofa, SOFAGAL, and commence blowing him. If I may invoke/resurrect a
Rumsfeldism: Prior to this incident, blowjob-related shit stains on the
sofa were, for you, an unknown unknown—something you
didn’t know you didn’t know—but in the wake of this incident,
shit stains are now a known known. And knowing what you now
know, SOFAGAL, you might consider placing a towel—might I suggest
a beige one?—on any sofa that you invite this man, or any other
man, to set his bare bottom on prior to blowing him.
Finally, SOFAGAL, how to broach the subject?
With a sense of humor. Sex can be messy, and shit happens quite
literally sometimes—and not just to men. Let him know that he
tagged your sofa—try to smile when you say it—and then head
to the nearest gay neighborhood to pick up some brown or beige bath
towels. And come on, how bad can it really have been if you didn’t
notice when your nose was down there?
My wife and I got into S&M about two years ago, and it’s done a wonderful job of spicing up an
otherwise very vanilla marriage. It was the odd happy ending to the
usual doomed story of “husband who knows he’s submissive finally gets
courage to tell vanilla wife.” We’re constantly upping our
game—we went from pegging and D/s to flogging to hardcore
beatings pretty swiftly, and we want to continue to push our
boundaries.
Now we’re looking into electrical play. Our
question is about cattle prods. Are they safe? We’ve seen a couple of
BDSM porn movies where a cattle prod gets used, but we have no idea if
these are prop cattle prods or the real deal. And are there any books
out there on safe electro-stim play?
Sub Needs Some Shocks
“Electric play is a great addition to BDSM,
but cattle prods are a bad choice as they’re not designed for use on
humans,” says David X, an electrical engineer who used to work in tech
but today designs e-stim products for Eros Tek. “There are several
reports of muscle injuries and even a few broken bones from
prod-induced involuntary muscle contractions,” David continues. “Burns
and nerve damage are also possible. There really isn’t any way to make
a cattle prod safe, but if you must, use it only below the waist and
make each shock as brief as possible. Make sure the submissive does not
have weight or tension on their limbs and has room for safe
movement.”
And if you’re attached to your balls, SNSS,
and would like to remain attached to them, make sure they’re not tied
to anything. But, again, neither David nor I think you should use a
cattle prod at all. David has a bias, of course, and would prefer to
see you purchase something designed for use on humans—preferably
something designed by him—but your bias-free advice professional
strongly agrees with David: Invest in a product designed for use on
humans.
“The best devices for BDSM electric play are
made for that purpose,” says David. “They can deliver very intense
sensations while being much safer than a cattle prod. As for books,
you’re best off following the instructions that come with whatever
device you purchase. This is another advantage of the BDSM
products—they come with instructions for using them on humans
instead of cattle.”
I’m a 23-year-old straight
female. I have been friends with this guy for the past two and a half
years and would like to continue. Problem is he gets jealous (because
he has the hots for me, but I’m not interested) and a bit distant
whenever there is a boyfriend/date in the picture. I’m not sure if I
should approach him about this or not.
Just Friends Jealousy
Maintaining a friendship with a man who has
the “hots” for you when you’re not interested isn’t kind, JFJ, it’s
emotionally sadistic. Maybe it’s thoughtless sadism on your part, but
it’s sadism nonetheless. Because for as long as you’re hanging out with
him, JFJ, he’s going to delude himself into thinking that he has a
chance with you. And every time a potential boyfriend appears on the
horizon—someone for whom you do have the hots—he’s going to
realize, once again, that he’s a fool and, perhaps, being played for
one. (How many times has he helped you move?)
Your friendship, while a marvelous treasure
under most circumstances, is not a consolation prize for this guy. It’s
a torment. He doesn’t have the strength to cut you out of his
life—something that, if he’s reading, I would strongly advise him
to do—so you’re going to have to do it for him, JFJ. If you
don’t, well, you can’t claim that your sadism is thoughtless anymore.
It’s overt, conscious cruelty—”mean girl” bullshit. And if you’re
not careful, Garfunkel & Oates will write a song about you. 
I have been in a situation that was similar to that of JFJ, only mine was with an ex. I was very upfront with him about how I had no feelings for him but really wanted his friendship, and for a while he acted like, even though he did have feelings for me, that was okay. Then all of a sudden he would act cold and say I was “using him”. I told him that if he needed time that I would leave him alone until we could be friends again, but he refused to take the responsibility of leaving, though he did say I was “hurting him” by talking to him. Eventually, I realized that I had to be the one to step up, because, even though it’s his responsibility, he was never going to. I had to protect him, because I do care about him, just not as a romantic partner. So I no longer carry on a friendship with him, but I hope that one day he will be over me and we can be friends again. I advise JFJ to do the same thing I did. But don’t feel bad. If you’ve been upfront, then it’s not your fault. But if you can see it’s still hurting him, but he won’t take responsibility, be the bigger person and leave him alone, at least for a while.
My problem with the answer to SOFAGAL is that the guy obviously has a problem, be it hygienic or or organic, and he left the stain for HER to clean up. If you know you tend to leave stains, suggest a towel to begin with. If you don’t want to do that, then unobtrusively check the couch after and clean up after yourself. I would make the same suggestion to a woman having her period. If you know there is a potential problem handle it.
As for why people are angry about the answer to JFJ, calling someone sadistic, even if you say it is unknowing is horrible. Sadistic is NEVER unknowing, part of the definition is deliberately causing pain. Then Dan goes on to accuse her of using the guy. Perhaps there was more to the letter than we read, but JFJ didn’t talk about what he did for her, just said he was a friend who was into her and she wasn’t into him. The implication is she is a user. Finally, Dan is putting the responsibility of the relationship totally on the woman. He tells her to take care of the man. She’s not his mommy. She’s definitely not his girlfriend. She is a friend who owes him honesty and nothing more. If his behavior bothers her, then she should end the friendship, if not then she can wait until he puts on his big boy pants and decides if he is willing to be a friend without benefits, or if he just wants to sulk whenever she dates someone else.
In both cases, the real problem is that the woman is expected to take care of the problem, not the man who has the problem.
SOFAGAL, maybe you’re just getting good enough at the oral skills to make *anyone* brown the couch. I was going to suggest just blowing him on the john, but the various advice both about hygiene and medical issues is sure to be more useful. I can only add that if one can’t afford one of those hand held shower thingies, a little squirt-bottle of the kind used for ironing or watering plants can really help.
It’s sure to be more affordable than that fancy-shmancy toilet seat I saw at the Gay Expo last year that does everything but pull your pants back up.
On Memorial Day Weekend went to a nudist resort for the first time. I did it for a number of reasons, but establishing a good self image for 13 year old daughter was one of the main ones.
But that’s besides the point.
At a nudist resort, towels are a must. Everyone carries one. No one sets their naked bottom on anything but their personal towel.
The toddlers were instructed by mothers, teens picked it up quick.
Having your towel is the number one rule for the naked Miss Manners.
The only exception were infants like my sister-in-law’s ten month old son.
All restrooms had bidets and showers were everywhere.
Nudist are like porn stars in that their bottoms are clean enough to eat off.
maybe sofagals guy has a scat fetish and wanted to tag her cushion, as well as his own undies? Perhaps he’s one of those dirty boys who wedges himself and leaves it all day…? [eww: maybe from some weird unrecquited schoolyard bully-lust… !]
@51: “You’re being a jerk everytime you call him after 10 pm, gently touching his arm when he makes a joke, or comment how
there aren’t any decent guys in the town.”
NAILED IT.
Don’t forget also: brag about the sex with boyfriend X, get dressed for a date in front of him, go bra shopping, suggest oysters and wine for dinner, compliment his eyes/hands/hair/ass/stamina, and slowly pick up a pen you dropped.
HAHA. heh.
That stuff sucks when you’re crushing one-way. It’s totally her fault, er, yup, ….er. wait a minute. She might be cluelessly fucking with his head…. but
He’s a dick.
She should talk to him about his raging jealousy thing in simple, friend terms, not wanna-be-lovers terms: “I’m your friend, I found love – so, be happy for me, or else GTFO”. Is he avoiding good potential relationships during this 2.5 years, or is he getting his too? I think we’re all picturing a boy version of a bunnyboiler here; he might be fine. He sounds like a creepy stalker-in-training type of guy, the kind of guy that mooches off friends, doesn’t get haircuts often enough, practices bad hygiene, and doesn’t know what you’re talking about when you list 5 current movies now playing, but knows all about sex positions and ways to get your dirty kink on. Kinda like SOFAGALS’s freak boy who can’t afford toilet paper. [[whoa – It’d be weird if it WAS sofagal’s guano-slugtrailer!!]]
The moving thing likely only applies if he’s got the blueball hardon during the movin’ day activity; otherwise, he might be just helping schlepp like any friend might. Everyone’s got different reasons for helping move – I do it for karma. Also, is he cashing in trips to the airport or catsitting in return?
Cattleprod couple: buy a TASER already, sheesh.
I usually like Dan’s column, but his advice to JFJ was a bunch of crap, and some of the comments saying Dan was “spot on” are nothing but offensive misogynist bullshit made by guys who need to be taking to the nearest lot and summarily shot by a firing squad. I am a guy who knows how to be an adult, unlike some of these loser guys who are posting. I have had crushes which haven’t been reciprocated, and I have always understood that it was MY problem. I learned to either accept a friendship, or just move on. Also, where are some of you idiots getting your ideas from? Nowhere in JFJ’s letter was there any suggestion she asked her friend for favors, led him on, “called him at 10:00 P.M.” at night, etc. Her friend needs to man up and realize she just cares for him as a friend and nothing more. Then, HE needs to make a choice to either deal with it and remain her friend and stop being a whiney asshole, or if he can’t handle it, cut all ties. It’s not the woman’s responsibility to massage a man’s ego or tend to his emotional well-being. We really live in a pussy society–everyone’s a fucking victim. Time for people to take ownership of their own live, and stop expecting others to run around being their mommie.
Gee Crampton, you’re right. All the rest of us are a bunch of whiney pussies. Who cares that if everyone on the planet were like you there’d be none of the great novels or operas or movies, just nursery rhymes and Souza Marches? The sacrifice would be worth it because we’d all be as well adjusted as *you*.
@162, a.k.a. thank God that’s over—-
Spot on (pun intended!)!!!!
Now what we need is a big elephant-sized poopie-scoopie bag; load Bush, Cheney, ad nauseum into it, and flush that shit away—for good. Guantanimo Bay, Cuba sounds like a proper final Republican pig dumping ground. Or possibly Baghdad, Iraq, or Darfur–and let ’em sweat it out.
Pig roast! Pig roast!!
@96: GOOD QUESTION!!!!
Ahem….gentlemen??
@13: Ummmm…biggie.
Do you ever get past a first date with girls? You getting any lately? No? I wonder why not.
Focusing on one’s “inner asshole” only makes you a more obvious OUTER ASSHOLE, you idiot!
Different take on Sofagal’s situation.
I’m a man. Got blown on a desk once. An amazing bj from a lovely woman.
A concurrence of joy at her being the bj administrator, a while since I’d come, her technique, the situation (her office), whatever intestinal thing was going on with me…and I spasmed as I came and did a tiny wet fart on a legal pad on her desk. Luckily, she didn’t notice…I did (of course)…and was able to tear it off during post-bj activity…tidy up.
Maybe guy ISN’T dirty…but wet fart a testament to your skills/his desire. His failure to admit would be embarrassement..don’t necessarily damn a good thing.
Fibre, fibre, fibre, is essential. And a regular schedule.
I agree with useless_guilt about JFJ. The last time I found myself on the receiving end of an unrequited friend-crush, the friend in question was one of a tight-knit group of friends, so it would have been impossible for me to burn the bridge entirely without cutting out a lot of other close friends. I avoided hanging out one-on-one with this guy and limited my face time with him to group hangouts. He still eventually broke down and disassociated himself with everyone in the group. Now I’m married and he’s engaged, so hopefully he realized it wasn’t meant to be. He lost a lot of good friends along the road to that realization though. Straight guys can be stupid about that stuff.
I think most good looking girls have a guy around who is friend but friend only because he hasn’t had the courage to ask her out for dating. I would say that unless he gets the courage to ask you out and attract you, he can live happily with jealousy in his dreams.
I am in the place of JFJ’s friend and it can be emotionally sadistic. In my situation, my friend/flame always strings me along when he/we get drunk and the passion always bubbles up (we end up making out, though never sleeping together) but then he ends up saying that I am not what he wants, etc. and then goes on talking about other women who are in his life sexually.
I feel like he uses my attraction to him to boost his self-esteem in between women he dates.
If the person who is not interested in the friend, like JFJ, is respectful to the one attracted to them it can be OK but I think a lot of times the “JFJ-person” feeds off of the self-esteem of other one and if she were a true friend, would back off and let the friend find real love.
JFJ, i have the exact same problem. weve tried to just cut the whole friendship off so many times…but we run to each other after no more than 3 days 😮 i dont love him the way he loves me, and i would date him… but im best friends with his sisters…and that would fuck it up.
he understands…but i would rather not keep him waiting around the way he is. help.?
SOFAGAL, there is an entire branch of medicine devoted to your boyfriend’s problem. It is called colorectal surgery. Mostly they work on hemorrhoids, but they also do problems like anal sphincters that don’t close properly. I’m guessing a few stitches might tighten him up, and make him just as good as the self-righteous assholes who have been putting down his hygiene. It’s just a simple in-patient procedure. But it can change his life. If he could just realize he needs it, and that it is a well-known problem in the field.
Ok, I realize this post is ancient and whatever, but can I say – to non-North Americans, the concept that you dry clean your asses in general is really disgusting. In response to SOFAGAL, and maybe we can help in the spread of this practice in general, invest in wet wipes and hand some to your boyfriend (are you still together? Whatever.)
Beyond wet wipes, you can also install bidets if space permits, or Arab countries have installed specialized hoses and shower attachments for this purpose, and in really low tech households they have a water jug specifically for this purpose. ANYTHING that would ensure your asses are actually clean when you leave the toilet. Please make this the next hygiene trend! Thank you!
In response to all the readers who comment that the guy doesn’t wipe his ass well. Sorry people, but if you think wiping before sex is good enough, you are delusional. Even if it takes away the brown, it doesn’t take away the smell. If someone cannot be bothered to jump in the shower for an entire 1 minute to wash his hole with running water and soap before sex, then fucking DTMFA.
I stopped wiping my ass with bleached toilet paper. I won’t shit anywhere else but at home anyway.
I know when I have to take a dump and it is a daily routine.
So I go in to the shower and squat, use the removable shower head, blast the water at my crack and hole, and put soap on my fingers and scrub away. Sometimes a little ‘push’ inside to really get at the butt goblins.
Cleans the shit out of my ass, and prevents ass crack stench later in the day.
Some people have B.O, some people have ass crack stench. Its the worst.